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Original poster

34 and he's still at home... a dealbreaker?

170 replies

yachtflair · 14/04/2022 20:12

He was working abroad until early 2020, came back mid-Covid and has a deposit but is completely priced out of the market where we are (this is true, tbh).

I don't know why it bothers me but it does.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 14/04/2022 21:07

@yachtflair

We're about 6 months in. I'm 31 so I would like to be settled but do have some time.

He washes up at mine, but it would feel very strange to expect him to do anything else Confused

Well I meant more along the "leaves his dirty clothes on the floor for you to pick up, has a drink and leaves it on the floor for you to clear away, eats at yours five nights a week and expects yo u to pay"

But no, I think given the circs its fair enough. Why throw money away on rent when he wants to buy and has options.

Riverlee · 14/04/2022 21:13

Not a deal breaker. He hasn’t lived at home continuously, and it’s only circumstances making him live at home now. He’s also making plans to move out.

UnsuitableHat · 14/04/2022 21:20

Wouldn’t bother me unless he was dependent on his parents to do stuff for him. Home might be the most convenient place to live, especially if he also gets on with his M&D.

irishfarmer · 14/04/2022 21:21

I don't think it is a deal breaker. He has lived abroad and can clearly look after himself. 2 of my friends (both female) in early 30s still live at home. They are saving for deposits. Rent in our little town, like everywhere, is astronomical right now so it makes sense.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/04/2022 21:22

Does he bring stuff to yours eg wine and snacks?

Ever offer to cook ? Take all his dirty washing home with him

For me it’s not an immediate deal breaker and I think it shows you have good instincts to be thinking this way

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 14/04/2022 21:25

No, it wouldn't put me off as long as he has a plan to move out again. I found myself in a similar situation and would hate to be written off because finances had put me in an awkward situation, writing off nearly 20 years of living alone.

Original poster
yachtflair · 14/04/2022 21:26

He brings wine and snacks, offers to cook and pays for takeaways. He's taken all his washing away but has left clothes on the floor (although I haven't organised a drawer or anything for him either). I'm not sure how much he looked after himself when he was abroad- he had a cleaner for sure.

He is great and I like him but I've always just assumed that it is a dealbreaker without actually being in the situation!

OP posts:
Horcruxe · 14/04/2022 21:35

Nope.

I think he needs to move out and rent/ houseshare.

I'd be really suspicious hes way too comfortable at home.

gannett · 14/04/2022 21:41

Living with parents isn't a dealbreaker because it's just a situation, it tells you nothing about his character. There are so many factors that colour how you see it. Moving back home having lived abroad is different to never leaving home. Living at home with a solid plan for the future is different to having no plan.

I think the biggest thing that can make a difference is what his family are like, what his relationship with them is like. If he's living at home and there's a sense of being too enmeshed, either side not wanting to let go - that's a dealbreaker. If his parents are just pleasant people with a big house whom he gets along with - don't see why that would be a problem.

I'd never dream of living with my parents as an adult but that's because they're toxic - it doesn't mean I'm better than some friends who have lovely parents and who have moved back home for spells as adults!

I also know plenty of people who were definitely not capable of self-sufficient living or breaking free from the parental apron strings even though they were in supposedly grown-up houseshares. The guy who trailed his dirty laundry over the house and expected us to clean it all up. The girl whose mother came every weekend to pick up a suitcase of her dirty laundry, to be washed and returned the following weekend.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 14/04/2022 21:54

Great Post @gannett

Mamabananananana · 14/04/2022 22:08

Dont be daft OP
Lots of people move back in with the parents to save for a deposit! Have you seen it out there!? Its mental!
I think every one of my friends or colleagues late 20/early 30s moved in with parents to save for homes. Truly!!
At least he's thinking of the future! And sensible.
I wouldve have, had i the option: rather than scrimping into my ISA for the next 10 years in the hope of getting a mortgage before im 40

Backontgedatingtrain22 · 14/04/2022 23:03

My bf of a few months lives at home and has never moved out . At first , I was wary but I am glad I didn't let it put me off . He's great when he's here . He helps with chores , he washes up , dries and puts away after every meal or if the sink is filling up and is overall great guy . He also takes his dirty laundry home and works full time.

Don't let it put you off , just him when he's at yours and soon enough, you will be able to work out if he's one to keep Smile

Backontgedatingtrain22 · 14/04/2022 23:05

Great post @gannett

BigFatLiar · 14/04/2022 23:37

Probably should have been a deal breaker fr my OH then as I lived at home with my parents, mum did the cooking and cleaning etc. Didn't put him off me (at least it didn't seem to - he did end up having to teach me to cook)

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2022 23:48

I'd be wondering how much mummy does for him. Sorry, but I wouldn't look twice at a man his age who lives with mum and dad.

greasyshoes · 14/04/2022 23:55

It would put me off, yes. Surely he'd rather live in a professional house share and have some independence instead of living with mummy and daddy.

So live with strangers who you may not get on with, while putting money into the pockets of a greedy Russian landlord? Whereas when living at home, money brought into the house is going into the family.

NiceTwin · 14/04/2022 23:57

It wouldn't put me off under the circumstances.

TeddyBeans · 14/04/2022 23:59

My partner lived at home until we bought a flat together. He was in the navy so it didn't make sense for him to have a place of his own. If he'd tried to buy on his own he would have been priced out of the market. We pooled resources to be able to afford our flat.

Your partner's situation doesn't sound too dissimilar. It wouldn't be a red flag for me

TheLoupGarou · 15/04/2022 00:00

I don't understand people saying he should move into a house share - why spend a fortune on rent if he doesn't have to? That's crazy- especially if he now has to save more towards a deposit because of house price increases.

He is planning to buy, is saving for a deposit and a good job. OP you aren't ready to move in with him so it makes no difference to you surely? It's not like he's never left home - he's there due to circumstances.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2022 00:05

It would bother me but wouldn’t necs be a dealbreaker.

Is even a flat out of the question? Or moving to a cheaper area?

dane8 · 15/04/2022 00:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 15/04/2022 00:21

It would put me off a bit but actually if local property is so expensive it makes sense for him not to spend on rent if he can stay somewhere and keep saving. He actually sounds quite sensible.

KhansMambo · 15/04/2022 00:22

Personally, I wouldn’t date someone in their mid 30’s who either was unable to afford to live by themselves or (possibly even worse) could afford it, but chose to live with his parents.

Also, this:

Not a complete mummy's boy but he could probably be doing more. I've never heard him mention going for a shop etc

Hell, no.

worriedatthistime · 15/04/2022 00:23

Loads of adults are living it home longer to save for deposits, even a house share around her is about £5/600 pcm and I am in a cheaper area
So what if he moved back and is in his mum and dads , he is saving for a deposit .
He has a job
If you move in thats when you need to be more careful just to protect your asset but if it works out well you could always buy together and he should have some cash to put in as well
MN is very anti men being close to their mums as well at times ,

Namesrus · 15/04/2022 00:38

When I met my DH he was 32 and living with his mum and dad. I was a single mum in a council flat so he definitely wasn’t seeing me as a way to get out. He was a perfectly formed adult who knew how to cook, do laundry and clean he just happened to live in the family home. If I had dismissed him out of hand for still living at home we wouldn’t have been together for 30 years.