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Original poster

34 and he's still at home... a dealbreaker?

170 replies

yachtflair · 14/04/2022 20:12

He was working abroad until early 2020, came back mid-Covid and has a deposit but is completely priced out of the market where we are (this is true, tbh).

I don't know why it bothers me but it does.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 17/04/2022 00:09

Before my son moved up North and bought his house he stayed home to save deposit. He lived on top floor with his adult brother, own shower room. I hardly saw him. He cooked for himself or ate out, was out with friends a lot, did his own laundry and ate dinner with family about once a week. He was also working long hours to get extra money. I don't see a problem. Now I just have one adult son living on top floor and saving for a deposit.

MakeMeWanna · 17/04/2022 00:22

I'm 40 (and who whoever asked, I'm female) living with a parent and my earnings are on the lower end of the scale. A bit of a waste of space by the sounds of it.

But on the bright side, at least I'm not a judgemental prick.

greasyshoes · 17/04/2022 00:31

I'm 40 (and who whoever asked, I'm female) living with a parent and my earnings are on the lower end of the scale. A bit of a waste of space by the sounds of it. But on the bright side, at least I'm not a judgemental prick.

I remember there was a thread about household income on mumsnet, and plenty of people were posting household incomes well in excess of £100k.

That's why there are so many judgemental pricks in this thread. They're just completely out of touch with the lives of normal people.

Walkingalot · 17/04/2022 01:31

At 6 months in, moving in shouldn't even be on the cards. Maybe in 18mths-2yrs. You don't really know him yet. Please protect yourself financially and think with your head, not your heart.
Every potential cock lodger has a credible background story prepared.
Yes I'm older and cynical and my rose tinted specs fell off years ago.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/04/2022 05:29

@Walkingalot

At 6 months in, moving in shouldn't even be on the cards. Maybe in 18mths-2yrs. You don't really know him yet. Please protect yourself financially and think with your head, not your heart. Every potential cock lodger has a credible background story prepared. Yes I'm older and cynical and my rose tinted specs fell off years ago.
It's all relative. At six months we were living together and engaged. Married at 18 months and trying for a baby. Baby at 3 1/2 years after meeting only cos it took a while. 10 years down the line, two more kids, no regrets.

But agree re financial protection

SleepingStandingUp · 17/04/2022 05:36

@MakeMeWanna

I'm 40 (and who whoever asked, I'm female) living with a parent and my earnings are on the lower end of the scale. A bit of a waste of space by the sounds of it.

But on the bright side, at least I'm not a judgemental prick.

Tbf there's only been one poster being a dick about nmw jobs. The issue isn't your income, it's owning with a parent so no plans on moving out and therefore having to take on you and your parent long term. In rl people don't know that about you first though, so it's something they'd learn in the context of how funny or attractive or smart you are. It wouldn't be a singular fact in which to make a hypothetical decision.
YukoandHiro · 17/04/2022 05:42

It would put me off but his reasons make sense. My DH was renting a place on his own when we first met (he was a similar age) but due to an unexpected redundancy and a significant bereavement in the same month he ended up taking a few months off work to rebuild and moved home for a short while then as we weren't ready to move in yet. It was tough on the relationship and I questioned it a few times but it was all fine. When he was back on his feet we made the choice to move in rsther than it being for convenience for him at that time.
His mum actually died not long after so I'm glad they had that time together in retrospect

RettyPriddle · 17/04/2022 06:01

Why doesn’t he buy what he can afford, now? He could always rent it out, if he doesn’t want to live there himself. That takes the pressure off you; it also means he has a foot on the ladder. If it all works out, you could pool your resources, later. I’ve known loads of adults return to live with their parents when they’re older; it just shows that he gets on with his family and that they all support each other, when needed. It sounds like you really get on; that’s something to celebrate!

BigFatLiar · 17/04/2022 09:16

Perhaps he's simply happy at home with his family, saving his money for a nice place of his own with no intention of moving in with OP.
Once he has a place if his own she can visit overnight. Lots of people like the intimacy of a relationship without the hassle of living together. If she just doesn't want him at her place every time suggest a weekend away instead.

SucculentChalice · 17/04/2022 09:28

@BigFatLiar

Perhaps he's simply happy at home with his family, saving his money for a nice place of his own with no intention of moving in with OP. Once he has a place if his own she can visit overnight. Lots of people like the intimacy of a relationship without the hassle of living together. If she just doesn't want him at her place every time suggest a weekend away instead.
I think thats the problem! He sounds too comfortable.

I wouldn't fancy waiting til a 34 year old man "has his own place" to visit overnight.

The mind boggles as to how you would actually conduct a relationship like this and whether its worth the hassle. Bad enough for teenagers sneaking around to get some privacy.

Most women these days are looking for relationships to progress anyway into living together or getting married, not some kind of perpetual girlfriend/boyfriend situation years down the line that never changes, especially in your mid thirties.

me4real · 17/04/2022 09:29

It would be a red flag for me as personally I would always want my own space, I would never go back to my mum's 'to save.'

liveforsummer · 17/04/2022 09:51

@MakeMeWanna

I'm 40 (and who whoever asked, I'm female) living with a parent and my earnings are on the lower end of the scale. A bit of a waste of space by the sounds of it.

But on the bright side, at least I'm not a judgemental prick.

I don't think you are a waste of space or that anything is wrong with you. I'm sure you're a lovely person and I myself am on a v low income and also a single parent also puts people off as a potential partner - understandable. It's nothing about your character or income that would put me off dating you (if you were a male in that situation) just that there wound t be a potential future in developing the relationship ie moving in together.
SleepingStandingUp · 17/04/2022 09:55

The mind boggles as to how you would actually conduct a relationship like this and whether its worth the hassle. Bad enough for teenagers sneaking around to get some privacy. erm she has a home? Does it really matter if sleepovers are even? If she's always buying the food and cooking then communicate. He can cook in her house, he can take his dirty washing home, he was tidy up after himself.

Hausa · 17/04/2022 10:45

@SleepingStandingUp

The mind boggles as to how you would actually conduct a relationship like this and whether its worth the hassle. Bad enough for teenagers sneaking around to get some privacy. erm she has a home? Does it really matter if sleepovers are even? If she's always buying the food and cooking then communicate. He can cook in her house, he can take his dirty washing home, he was tidy up after himself.
It matters to some people and not to others. The people to whom it matters would not date him, the people to whom it doesn’t might. Neither party is wrong - people can date who and as they want.

What you’ve described wouldn’t be a relationship setup that I’d find appealing. So, I wouldn’t date this person.

I’m finding this thread so odd. Some of you appear to be mortally offended that some women have different criteria to you. Why is that?

Hausa · 17/04/2022 10:48

I wouldn’t date someone in his mid 30’s who didn’t have his own space (rented or bought, I don’t really care, house ownership isn’t important to me) and wasn’t financially solvent. These would be hard lines for me.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/04/2022 12:27

@Hausa just curious why it's only a good relationship of you can sleep in his bed an equal number of times to yours. I've travelled to a boyfriends every weekend t recast he had his own place and I didn't (because I'm pathetic and moved home after uni) which worked as he worked some weekends so I'd get the place to myself. And when with someone else we both had our own place I actually preferred it at mine because all my stuff was here, naturally more comfortable in my own home etc (it did tend towards even as obv he felt similarly). I just couldn't have imagined taking umbrage with him sleeping at mine more like this man I loved was an opportunist trying to save his electricity

LegMeChicken · 17/04/2022 12:52

What’s your cultural background?
It’s very common to stay with parents in mine, and everyone acts like adults. In fact kids are expected to do more around the house so parents can relax 😎

greasyshoes · 17/04/2022 13:12

I wouldn't fancy waiting til a 34 year old man "has his own place" to visit overnight.

Why do you need to stay at his home? Presumably, you had your own place to live and sleep before the relationship begins. That should still be the case. And he has his own place to live and sleep too.

Your comment doesn't really make any sense.

Hausa · 17/04/2022 14:11

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@Hausa just curious why it's only a good relationship of you can sleep in his bed an equal number of times to yours. I've travelled to a boyfriends every weekend t recast he had his own place and I didn't (because I'm pathetic and moved home after uni) which worked as he worked some weekends so I'd get the place to myself. And when with someone else we both had our own place I actually preferred it at mine because all my stuff was here, naturally more comfortable in my own home etc (it did tend towards even as obv he felt similarly). I just couldn't have imagined taking umbrage with him sleeping at mine more like this man I loved was an opportunist trying to save his electricity[/quote]
I didn’t say it would only be a good relationship if…well anything, actually. I haven’t said a good relationship categorically is or isn’t anything. Nor have I called anyone pathetic. I’ve stated what I would and wouldn’t want.

And I wouldn’t ‘take umbrage’ at not being able to do it, because I wouldn’t be in that position. As stated above, I wouldn’t date someone who didn’t have their own place.

Snoozer11 · 17/04/2022 14:34

@Walkingalot

At 6 months in, moving in shouldn't even be on the cards. Maybe in 18mths-2yrs. You don't really know him yet. Please protect yourself financially and think with your head, not your heart. Every potential cock lodger has a credible background story prepared. Yes I'm older and cynical and my rose tinted specs fell off years ago.
You'd be surprised by how desperate some people are.
SleepingStandingUp · 17/04/2022 14:59

@greasyshoes

I wouldn't fancy waiting til a 34 year old man "has his own place" to visit overnight.

Why do you need to stay at his home? Presumably, you had your own place to live and sleep before the relationship begins. That should still be the case. And he has his own place to live and sleep too.

Your comment doesn't really make any sense.

It has to be equal sleepies else he's a cocklodger who secretly dislikes you but just wants to take over your house
SleepingStandingUp · 17/04/2022 15:05

At 6 months in, moving in shouldn't even be on the cards. Maybe in 18mths-2yrs
You'd be surprised by how desperate some people are
You know sometimes people's time scales are just different right?

MrsIglesias · 17/04/2022 15:26

Depends if he cooks for his parents/cleans/does his washing etc. If yes then totally fine with me.

BigFatLiar · 17/04/2022 16:19

Most women these days are looking for relationships to progress anyway into living together or getting married, not some kind of perpetual girlfriend/boyfriend situation years down the line that never changes, especially in your mid thirties.

It's only six months in and going by what the OP has said it sounds like this is all in her mind. Doesn't sound like he has asked about moving in she's just concerned he wants to. He's saving up for his own place now and not just buying the first place he can find which seems fine, I wouldn't want to just buy somewhere I didn't like just for the sake of buying. Perhaps she should sit down and talk to him he may not see her as long term if he does then they can discuss where the relationship is going.

KosherDill · 17/04/2022 16:44

Multi-generational living arrangements are a path to upward mobility for many. Better than throwing away money on rent.

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