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Original poster

34 and he's still at home... a dealbreaker?

170 replies

yachtflair · 14/04/2022 20:12

He was working abroad until early 2020, came back mid-Covid and has a deposit but is completely priced out of the market where we are (this is true, tbh).

I don't know why it bothers me but it does.

OP posts:
DMinChi · 15/04/2022 00:56

@Gettingthereslowly2020

Forgot to add:

It's understandable him living with parents during lockdown when he first came back to the UK but the lockdowns were ages ago now. House prices aren't going to reduce anytime soon. If he's priced out then he's stuck until he either finds a significantly better paid job or finds someone to buy with

At 34 he'd be most likely sharing with people a lot younger than him and living in a filthy hell hole because they don't tidy up after themselves, there's no guarantee he'd even get on with them and may end up spending hundreds of pounds a month and consigning himself to his bedroom every night. Awful, I'd much rather live with my parents and save up for a house.
DMinChi · 15/04/2022 00:58

Sorry, I seem to have quoted the wrong message, I was responding to someone who was dismissive of him living with mum and dad and saying he should live in a house share.

MissyCooperismyShero · 15/04/2022 01:13

@KhansMambo

Personally, I wouldn’t date someone in their mid 30’s who either was unable to afford to live by themselves or (possibly even worse) could afford it, but chose to live with his parents.

Also, this:

Not a complete mummy's boy but he could probably be doing more. I've never heard him mention going for a shop etc

Hell, no.

Personally I wouldn't date a man in his 30s who was frittering money on a professional house share, when he could swallow his pride and spend a couple of years living at his parents house and save nearly a whole years salary for a couple years to get together a deposit. Especially if I already owned my own home, if he wasn't busy saving I'd be worrying I'd caught a potential cocklodger.
RantyAunty · 15/04/2022 01:17

My ds is 32 in a minimum wage job still at home
He hasn’t got a cat in hells chance off either renting or mortgage in a 10 mile radius where we live.

Why is your 32 year old DS only making minimum wage?

UniEntry2019 · 15/04/2022 01:36

Personally I wouldn't date a man in his 30s who was frittering money on a professional house share, when he could swallow his pride and spend a couple of years living at his parents house and save nearly a whole years salary for a couple years to get together a deposit. This. I'd be delighted if one of my children did this.

BadNomad · 15/04/2022 01:37

@RantyAunty

My ds is 32 in a minimum wage job still at home He hasn’t got a cat in hells chance off either renting or mortgage in a 10 mile radius where we live.

Why is your 32 year old DS only making minimum wage?

That's a rude question. There's nothing wrong with earning "only" minimum wage. Not everyone is academic or ambitious.
BadNomad · 15/04/2022 01:39

He's not "still at home". He's back home. He obviously knows how to work, how to live independently, and how to save. He sounds fine.

KhansMambo · 15/04/2022 01:56

@MissyCooperismyShero Then I suppose it’s handy that we all have different dealbreakers. There’s a lid for every pot.

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 15/04/2022 02:04

@yachtflair

So he came back when people had to isolate in bubbles, he has a deposit but it won't be enough for the area at the moment?

Yes. A lot of people have moved here from down south and it's priced out so many locals in the space of 2 years.

I'm afraid to type this because I sound very big headed and naive, but we could potentially be very serious. On paper, we're a great match (same cultural background) and we get on great. I don't think he expected it to happen and now he maybe doesn't see the point of going to the hassle of buying/renting when there is the possibility of moving in with me.

It sounds SO big headed but there you are.

I think I understand what you're saying now. You're thinking he is looking at moving in with you as an easy option because he assumes you will move in with him soon (as you get on so well) so he's not doing anything else about his living situation and it's making you feel under pressure. Obviously correct me if I'm wrong! I've experienced something similar before so I'm not going to say anything other than trust whatever your gut is telling you.
dipdye · 15/04/2022 02:09

What do his parents say??

dipdye · 15/04/2022 02:09

I make less than I think he does, I just happened to be able to buy at a good time.

^

I'm sure he realises this

Monty27 · 15/04/2022 03:14

OP he needs to stand on his own two feet to prove he's not a cocklodger.
I won't hold my breath. Good luck though

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 15/04/2022 03:52

@RantyAunty

My ds is 32 in a minimum wage job still at home He hasn’t got a cat in hells chance off either renting or mortgage in a 10 mile radius where we live.

Why is your 32 year old DS only making minimum wage?

Because some people have to work minimum wage or else no one would do it? That's not a very nice thing to say, at least he's working.
HeadPain · 15/04/2022 04:22

Why should it put you off? Better to save the money towards buying a house rather than putting it down the drain renting. Lots of people are doing this.

DukeofEarlGrey · 15/04/2022 07:23

I think the jury is still out. I was back home at a similar age due to a crippling housing and job market and relationship breakdown. If my lovely mum hadn't been willing to have me for a while I would have rented but never been able to get on the housing ladder in a part of the country where I am close to family, friends and (now) plenty of jobs in my field. Being able to save some money also enabled me to go back to studying, which led to a career change, which led to me increasing my salary dramatically in the following years. Single financial decisions (for better and for worse) can have a lifelong impact.

However, I have also had a cocklodger DP in the past and so am extremely wary. It was a contributing factor that led me to being in a tricky spot in the first place. If in it for the long term, I would be looking ahead to when you can buy a place together with equal contribution to the equity. It might not be the next step but you should be protecting your current assets.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 15/04/2022 07:43

6 months is not long
give the guy a break

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/04/2022 07:52

If he’s working and saving
Wouldn’t bother me at all

SucculentChalice · 15/04/2022 07:59

Personally I wouldn't date a man in his 30s who was frittering money on a professional house share, when he could swallow his pride and spend a couple of years living at his parents house and save nearly a whole years salary for a couple years to get together a deposit. This. I'd be delighted if one of my children did this

Only on mumsnet is spending money on a basic need like shelter described as "frittering away money". And I note both posters who endorsed this are mummies, not the the women who would have to date these man children. Living with other people in a flat share is also a great way to make friends, improve your social skills, broaden your life experience, etc..

OP - I think your DP is not so bad as some, because he has at least lived abroad, but given that he works in finance and has saved a deposit already, I would suspect its a calculated decision on his part to get a woman to buy a property with. So be wary that is what he is looking for and that is part of your role in the relationship.

Personally, I really don't like it. I guess you always have to put him up if he is staying over? And you have no idea how competent he is at cleaning up after himself, paying bills, adult decisions, etc? So its all risk for you and low risk for him. I find it hard to respect a man in his late twenties who doesn't have their own place, never mind one of 34 happy to live with mummy. I'd be thinking if you can be independent, why can't he?

Original poster
yachtflair · 15/04/2022 08:18

And you have no idea how competent he is at cleaning up after himself, paying bills, adult decisions, etc? So its all risk for you and low risk for him.
Yes!

You're thinking he is looking at moving in with you as an easy option because he assumes you will move in with him soon (as you get on so well) so he's not doing anything else about his living situation and it's making you feel under pressure.
And this. Exactly.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 15/04/2022 08:29

Not a deal breaker in this circumstance. I assume he was living abroad independently? He has a career and savings. A deal breaker wound be moving with mum and dad never having moved out earning nmw with no desire to do more. That's not what's happening here.

gannett · 15/04/2022 09:21

@SucculentChalice

Personally I wouldn't date a man in his 30s who was frittering money on a professional house share, when he could swallow his pride and spend a couple of years living at his parents house and save nearly a whole years salary for a couple years to get together a deposit. This. I'd be delighted if one of my children did this

Only on mumsnet is spending money on a basic need like shelter described as "frittering away money". And I note both posters who endorsed this are mummies, not the the women who would have to date these man children. Living with other people in a flat share is also a great way to make friends, improve your social skills, broaden your life experience, etc..

OP - I think your DP is not so bad as some, because he has at least lived abroad, but given that he works in finance and has saved a deposit already, I would suspect its a calculated decision on his part to get a woman to buy a property with. So be wary that is what he is looking for and that is part of your role in the relationship.

Personally, I really don't like it. I guess you always have to put him up if he is staying over? And you have no idea how competent he is at cleaning up after himself, paying bills, adult decisions, etc? So its all risk for you and low risk for him. I find it hard to respect a man in his late twenties who doesn't have their own place, never mind one of 34 happy to live with mummy. I'd be thinking if you can be independent, why can't he?

Plenty of posters in this very thread have described unexpected life circumstances that meant they had to move back in with their parents as adults. Did those posts go over your head? Shit happens in life and sometimes people have to deal with non-ideal circumstances. It's not a reflection on their character.

If you want to weed out dickhead men, look at their characters and who they are as people and how they behave. Living situation isn't a shorthand for any of that no matter how much you sneer about "mummy's boys" (a pretty unpleasant phrase when you think about it).

Iwouldlikesomecake · 15/04/2022 09:40

Ok so my brother lives with my parents, his job often takes him away for work most weeks (2 nights at home and the rest away). He looks after our elderly parents, mum is dad’s main carer and she values the support and extra adult company.

There would be literally no point in him renting somewhere to never be there.

If your man is helpful, helps when he’s round your house etc and has lived away from home before then just see how it goes. You might get to the point where you want to get somewhere together. If he expects to be waited on like a guest in your house then that’s a different story!

mrziggycoco · 15/04/2022 09:56

Do you want to be a mother? Do you want a husband who has the capacity to support you to do that free of other stresses?

Genevie82 · 15/04/2022 10:04

Sounds fine OP, the fact that he has lived abroad and been independent and not just a guy that ALWAYS lived with his parents up until now makes it ok in my eyes . It just feels understandably weird as your living a grownup life and its unequal that he’s living with parents but understandable given property prices. Just remember even if he was living in private rental with his own flat or shared professional house it doesn’t mean once you start living together you wouldn’t find yourself tidying up after him/ picking his pants up off the floor! That all stuff that gets sorted out once you commit to living together regardless.
If things are feeling good and when your ready he’d move in with you with a DOT and agreement about bills etc to protect your mortgage and then eventually you buy a property together with his money too into the deposit -seems fine xx

KhansMambo · 15/04/2022 10:09

@SucculentChalice

Personally I wouldn't date a man in his 30s who was frittering money on a professional house share, when he could swallow his pride and spend a couple of years living at his parents house and save nearly a whole years salary for a couple years to get together a deposit. This. I'd be delighted if one of my children did this

Only on mumsnet is spending money on a basic need like shelter described as "frittering away money". And I note both posters who endorsed this are mummies, not the the women who would have to date these man children. Living with other people in a flat share is also a great way to make friends, improve your social skills, broaden your life experience, etc..

OP - I think your DP is not so bad as some, because he has at least lived abroad, but given that he works in finance and has saved a deposit already, I would suspect its a calculated decision on his part to get a woman to buy a property with. So be wary that is what he is looking for and that is part of your role in the relationship.

Personally, I really don't like it. I guess you always have to put him up if he is staying over? And you have no idea how competent he is at cleaning up after himself, paying bills, adult decisions, etc? So its all risk for you and low risk for him. I find it hard to respect a man in his late twenties who doesn't have their own place, never mind one of 34 happy to live with mummy. I'd be thinking if you can be independent, why can't he?

Perfectly expressed.