34 and he's still at home... a dealbreaker?

[yachtflair]

He was working abroad until early 2020, came back mid-Covid and has a deposit but is completely priced out of the market where we are (this is true, tbh).

I don't know why it bothers me but it does.

It wouldn't bother me at all, my late dp was living with his dad when I met him until he found somewhere to live, he found a one bedroom flat & it ended up being home to me & ds as well. He could clean better than me & cook. My sometimes FWB lives with his parents, he has his own business, is a single dad but is an amazing cook & does the cooking at home most nights.

It depends on the circumstances, my DS and DiL in their 40's bought a house with me because they can't get on the housing ladder, I live in the granny annexe and work full time.
We live pretty much separate lives but I am there for pet sitting and generally helping out if needed.
DS lived alone for 15 years before they came back.

My DS worked abroad for six years, came home and set up his own business from home. He was no trouble, saved money, met a young woman who had her own flat. He didn't move in with her instead they bought a home together. He was 34 when he left home . A successful business and two children later they're very happy.

Living abroad meant everything took a bit longer when he came home. He was never a mummy's boy

Personally I wouldn't date a man in his 30s who was frittering money on a professional house share, when he could swallow his pride and spend a couple of years living at his parents house and save nearly a whole years salary for a couple years to get together a deposit.

Well this is the thing, living with your parents is actually the more grown up thing to do because it makes more financial sense, and trying to live "independently" outside of your means just comes across as being insecure. These are probably the same women who think that if a man drives a big SUV, then he must be more grown up for some reason.

Unfortunately, women often get immaturity back to front when evaluating prospective men... and then they wonder why they end up with awful men.

@MakeMeWanna

I get what you're all saying, the practicalities of being with a partner/parent, of-course I do.

It's hard to stomach tho, essentially being told you're not worthy of being loved, having a partner because of your living arrangements.

It isn't about being worthy of love, it's a personal choice for me if I'd met you when I met my husband say and I was looking to marry and have kids. The outing circs might make a difference, or how emmeshed yours and the parents lives are etc. So in rl, I think people are kinder when there's a real person to judge rather than basic facts

And I note both posters who endorsed this are mummies, not the the women who would have to date these man children. what's the age limit? I was 29 when I moved out, does that make me a pathetic Daddy's girl? I did my own washing, cleaning etc, I locked up the house every night, I looked after the dog. I paid an equal share of all the bills. He didn't give me pocket money and sing me a bed time story and iron my pajamas for me. Being a few years older wouldn't have made any of that any different, or being a few years younger.
Living with other people in a flat share is also a great way to make friends, improve your social skills, broaden your life experience, etc.. he's hardly a kid who needs to learn how to make friends bad learn about the world. Imagine telling an adult who's worked abroad etc that he needs to go into a flat share to learn about the world 🤣🤣

what's the age limit? I was 29 when I moved out, does that make me a pathetic Daddy's girl? I did my own washing, cleaning etc, I locked up the house every night, I looked after the dog. I paid an equal share of all the bills. He didn't give me pocket money and sing me a bed time story and iron my pajamas for me. Being a few years older wouldn't have made any of that any different, or being a few years younger.

You're a woman, so that makes your situation OK in the minds of MNers. MNers believe men aren't allowed to be like that though. Men are supposed to be stoic leaders, and are supposed to fulfil the arbitrary checklists which single women have inside their heads, and unfortunately, living at home in your 30s doesn't meet that standard.

It's funny how all of these supposedly enlightened women regress to old conservative values when it comes to dating.

If he was buying his own place now then you'd probably have a whole different set of concerns...he'd have to buy something small and then you'd worry about if he'd considered a future with you when he bought!

Then if you decided to move in together that's difficult as neither of you would want to give up your own security.

Also with property prices rising it doesn't make much sense to just buy something, anything, to get on the property ladder, as prices could crash and then he's stuck with a large mortgage on something that may not be suitable long term.

He was working abroad so it makes sense that he hasn't put down his roots and bought yet, and then obviously the pandemic....so it's not like he's a 34 year old who has never left home.

@yachtflair

Mmmm I'm not sure. He has said he wants to buy rather than rent but with the market the way it is. IDK.

We get on really well but I am not even ready to think about moving in with me.

So after reading this he says he wants to but so has he actually suggested moving in or is it something you think may happen?

Sorry should have been buy not but

If he was living abroad until recently, it's clear he does have a level of independence and can look after himself.

He's moved back to the country and been with his parent's for a few months, when he has perhaps gone years without seeing them properly. Entirely reasonable.

He's sensible and hard working enough to have saved for a deposit.

The rental market is a nightmare at the minute. I know of people who've been looking for almost a year.

@SucculentChalice How is someone who has spent months living independently and working in finance in a different country whilst saving for a deposit a "man child"?

Plenty of people have a deposit, but the assessment of the housing market is that now is not a particularly wise time to buy.

Very few people in their late 20s have their own place, so I imagine your respect wouldn't stretch very far.

I'd be much more likely to respect someone who's worked hard and saved rather than someone who's had their parents hand them the money for their own place.

He sounds good to me.
If he were living in some shit flat then you'd be judging him for that.

If he's lived abroad (not Ibiza!) then presumably he has some cojones and some drive. He has a good relationship with his parents. I'm not sure why you are judging. It seems a bit like arseholery to me.

My brother was in exactly this situation. Brilliant man. It makes me despair that someone would judge him for being sensible with cash, wanting to invest wisely and speaking to his parents!

@dane8

There's a huge difference between minimum wage and having a high powered job.

As a mum, you'd think you wouldn't want your child to go through life in poverty.

There are plenty of things he could train for that would pay more than minimum wage.

There are plenty of things he could train for that would pay more than minimum wage.

You are making a huge number of awful assumptions about this woman and her son. In case you haven't noticed, it's not just school kids who do low-wage work, but people of all ages. And they all have their reasons for being in that situation, and doing that job.

It's probably a shocking revelation for you, isn't it? That there are men out there who don't have huge sums of disposable income? Sorry this has shattered your middle-class bubble.

[quote Snoozer11]@SucculentChalice How is someone who has spent months living independently and working in finance in a different country whilst saving for a deposit a "man child"?

Plenty of people have a deposit, but the assessment of the housing market is that now is not a particularly wise time to buy.

Very few people in their late 20s have their own place, so I imagine your respect wouldn't stretch very far.

I'd be much more likely to respect someone who's worked hard and saved rather than someone who's had their parents hand them the money for their own place.[/quote]
Because he's 34 and lives with his parents with no plans to move out?

The guy works in finance fgs. If he was determined enough, he could leave home.

The point is that it will put some women off. And in answer to the other poster, it will put some men off too. I just can't imagine how hard it would be to date someone who lives with their parents. I'd get fed up with them constantly coming to mine. What would you do? Rent a hotel to spend a night together every second week?

I also think some of those people put off by it would be even more put off by the hectoring potential MILs insisting their sons are wonderful for living at home and accusing posters who pay rent of "frittering money away".

I haven't lived in the UK all my life, I've lived in other countries in Northern Europe where house shares are still very common and where living at home isn't the norm.

There are more important things in life than money...I wouldn't really assess someone solely on how much money they'd saved, and I'd put equal emphasis on independence and life experience. Not just travelling.

Why doesn't he live in a house share or rent his own place?

In my mid-thirties I wouldn't have dreamt of living at home with my parents still, and I definitely wouldn't have dated someone who did.

If he can't afford to buy that's not a deal breaker, living with his parents is.

I'd get fed up with them constantly coming to mine.

Yeah, and it gets even worse than that. This will be shocking for you, but did you know that couples in long-term relationships even go so far as to live together? Surprised me too when I found out.

Why doesn't he live in a house share

Who wants to live with random strangers?

or rent his own place?

Ah yes, putting money into the pockets of a Russian landlord. A really noble thing to do with one's cash.

@greasyshoes

Why doesn't he live in a house share

Who wants to live with random strangers?

or rent his own place?

Ah yes, putting money into the pockets of a Russian landlord. A really noble thing to do with one's cash.

Life sounds quite scary wherever it is you live!

Anyway, my point is, it will put off some women. It will be a dealbreaker for some women. Its a personal preference for some women. Some women will object to it or find it odd. It reduces the potential dating pool. But there should still be plenty of women out there for your son who won't be bothered by it.

Oh FGS. He is clearly capable of"independent" living if he has lived abroad.
He sounds sensible to me.

My partner was living at home when we met at 30/31. His being at home meant he has the savings to put a hefty deposit on our mortgage when we bought. ( I didn’t know he had savings for ages)

He isn’t an entitled spoilt mummy’s boy either, he is a pretty normal functional human being who can pull his weight as much as me .I can see why it possibly could put others off but it ended very well in our case.

Anyway, my point is, it will put off some women. It will be a dealbreaker for some women. Its a personal preference for some women. Some women will object to it or find it odd.

There are men who don't care what "some women" think.