34 and he's still at home... a dealbreaker?

[yachtflair]

He was working abroad until early 2020, came back mid-Covid and has a deposit but is completely priced out of the market where we are (this is true, tbh).

I don't know why it bothers me but it does.

@greasyshoes

I wouldn't fancy waiting til a 34 year old man "has his own place" to visit overnight.

Why do you need to stay at his home? Presumably, you had your own place to live and sleep before the relationship begins. That should still be the case. And he has his own place to live and sleep too.

Your comment doesn't really make any sense.

I wouldn't want to be permanently hosting or shagging the guy with his parents hovering in the same house, obvs!

My 34 year old son still lives at home with us as he has had a few - over 20 - shitty years due to cancer. The unlucky bugger has fought it off twice! He is doing brilliantly setting up and developing his own business and we are supporting him to to do that.

Not everyone in their 30s who still lives at home is a lazy, indulged shirker.

@SleepingStandingUp

It has to be equal sleepies else he's a cocklodger who secretly dislikes you but just wants to take over your house

Hmmm, Poe's law.

I wouldn't want to be permanently hosting or shagging the guy with his parents hovering in the same house, obvs!

Well for sex, why don't you just let him come over to your home once in a while? It's hardly "permanently hosting" as he's only going to be there once in a while.

[quote greasyshoes]@SleepingStandingUp

It has to be equal sleepies else he's a cocklodger who secretly dislikes you but just wants to take over your house

Hmmm, Poe's law.[/quote]
Edgar Alan?

"Most women these days are looking for relationships to progress anyway into living together or getting married, not some kind of perpetual girlfriend/boyfriend situation years down the line that never changes, especially in your mid thirties"

Most men don't realise (or do they?) that their only worth past 30 is to be fulfill some woman's milestone of marriage and babies?

There's nothing wrong with being 'partners' without the above milestones of both parties don't have interest to marry or have children

@Musttryharder2021

"Most women these days are looking for relationships to progress anyway into living together or getting married, not some kind of perpetual girlfriend/boyfriend situation years down the line that never changes, especially in your mid thirties"

Most men don't realise (or do they?) that their only worth past 30 is to be fulfill some woman's milestone of marriage and babies?

There's nothing wrong with being 'partners' without the above milestones of both parties don't have interest to marry or have children

Nobody is saying that’s their ‘only worth’, just that women who are seeking things they do not have it cannot provide will not want to date them. Which is the context of this conversation.

We are allowed to value different things in people.
I personally would be unlikely to date someone mid thirties still living at home.
I'm a lone parent and I'm sure there are lots and lots of people who wouldn't touch me with a barge pole, including other lone/single parents. That's absolutely fine.

@greasyshoes

I wouldn't want to be permanently hosting or shagging the guy with his parents hovering in the same house, obvs!

Well for sex, why don't you just let him come over to your home once in a while? It's hardly "permanently hosting" as he's only going to be there once in a while.

And the rest of the time? She doesn’t want to be permanently hosting, and probably wants sex/alone time/to hang out with her partner more often than once in a while. Most of us do. And we do not consider this compatible with men who live with their parents. So we don’t date them.

Nobody is trying to stop you or anyone else from dating them, however.

Only 6 months in - I'd say you still have a lot to learn about each other - in terms of how he spends his time when not working, how he manages his work/life balance, what he wants to do with his job/career and in his relationship.

I know two very different guys very well - both around 30 - one has an allotment, is always cleaning up the flat he rent with his partner (they have £75k saved for a deposit and have been looking at houses for over a year - they can't find anything in their area they can afford that doesn't need another £50k spending on it and they have eased off looking as the market - they think - is likely to col down - prices are so inflated ATM), he likes to cook, is very caring and considerate towards his mum, brothers and sisters, runs, cycles, climbs, reads...

The other spends too much time immersed in on-line gaming, watching films, going to rock concerts, spends a fortune on lego , lives off food you can heat up in the microwave, drives too fast, has to be coerced to exercise, still likes to hang out with his mates like he is 17 - this couple own a house worth £450k - mortgage will be paid off this year... he is a very smart and hard working guy doing very well internationally in his field of research.

Both genuinely are lovely guys with very good jobs/careers but they are so so different.

One from a single parent family with 4 siblings, one a somewhat spoilt/privileged only child.

One previously had a single long term girlfriend 3-4 years, the other had a handful of shortish relationships 1-2 years.

One wants to marry, the other is saying he does but seems a little shy of making the commitment... he's 31/32 and his gf is about 29 and thinking of starting a family - is it going to work out for her - I have no idea!

How do your past relationship experiences compare? Are you on the same page about work/life balance, marriage, having children, whether both of you will work or one will go part-time.. - I guess it is far to early for you to have talked about these things.

It can be very hard to buy a property ATM - why not just wait - leave things as they are for a year - see how things go with the two of you - the housing market may also change. Maybe you will reach a point where you decide to buy somewhere together with an equal financial stake - although I suspect that may not be possible if you already own/have a mortgage on a property - you have to think through how you can both protect your own interests and how you might deal with any unevenness in your finances - i.e. savings/income/job prospects & future earnings.

Maybe I'm wrong but it strikes me that you have expressed such a shallow view on his situation and are thinking after 6 months of going all in. I'd definitely hold off, give the relationship time to mature and learn more about him, his situation and how both your aims line up. Relationships are the most complicated things IMHO that you have to deal with in life but there's no harm in thinking deeply about important and complex issues even though - most of the time, IMHO, the future turns out to be different to what you thought it would be or hoped for or wanted - you learn to adapt to circumstances - well - you do if there is a commitment - me and my partner had non-ideal living situations for years before we could live together.

And the rest of the time? She doesn’t want to be permanently hosting, and probably wants sex/alone time/to hang out with her partner more often than once in a while. Most of us do. And we do not consider this compatible with men who live with their parents. So we don’t date them.

You don't have to be stuck in someone's house to have alone time. You can go out for a walk in a quiet place, or go to a coffee shop, or go for a nice drive. Plenty of ways to hang out with someone and be alone without having your own house. Sex is really the only thing that requires privacy, so there's really no need for someone to be at your house all the time.

And the rest of the time? She doesn’t want to be permanently hosting six months in why does she need to host him?? I'm biased cos we lived together by then but surely by that point he can make his own and her cuppa, put breakfast on, wash up or cook dinner. It's all so formal

@greasyshoes

And the rest of the time? She doesn’t want to be permanently hosting, and probably wants sex/alone time/to hang out with her partner more often than once in a while. Most of us do. And we do not consider this compatible with men who live with their parents. So we don’t date them.

You don't have to be stuck in someone's house to have alone time. You can go out for a walk in a quiet place, or go to a coffee shop, or go for a nice drive. Plenty of ways to hang out with someone and be alone without having your own house. Sex is really the only thing that requires privacy, so there's really no need for someone to be at your house all the time.

I haven’t said you ‘have to be’. Just that some of us want to be. I do not want to have to go out or have them over to mine every time I want alone time with my partner. I do not want sex to only be occasional or for it to always be at mine.

I do not want those things. That is not what I’d be looking for in a relationship. It may work for you, it wouldn’t for me.

@SleepingStandingUp

And the rest of the time? She doesn’t want to be permanently hosting six months in why does she need to host him?? I'm biased cos we lived together by then but surely by that point he can make his own and her cuppa, put breakfast on, wash up or cook dinner. It's all so formal

I am using the word ‘hosting’ to mean having them over. What that entails is entirely up to the couple in question. I wouldn’t want a relationship where all of our chill time was spent in my space.

If and when you live with someone, that’s shared space, which I’m fine with. We’d be at the sharing space stage. However, if we’re dating, I welcome you into my space and you welcome me into yours. This doesn’t work if you have no such space. And I wouldn’t consider your parents’ home to be such a space.

@greasyshoes

And the rest of the time? She doesn’t want to be permanently hosting, and probably wants sex/alone time/to hang out with her partner more often than once in a while. Most of us do. And we do not consider this compatible with men who live with their parents. So we don’t date them.

You don't have to be stuck in someone's house to have alone time. You can go out for a walk in a quiet place, or go to a coffee shop, or go for a nice drive. Plenty of ways to hang out with someone and be alone without having your own house. Sex is really the only thing that requires privacy, so there's really no need for someone to be at your house all the time.

Can I ask if you have ever actually dated a man? Or perhaps you are quite elderly?

Because having to be explained the basics of modern dating and this strange idea you have of women being happy with what is, the way you describe it, a casual and non-committed relationship at best, sounds like the sort of fantasy ageing men have about the sort of imaginary relationships they think they will have with women.

I could imagine what you suggest working where the people are maybe in their fifties or older with no desire to get married or have children again, but most women are all too aware that they have limited time in which to find someone to get married to and, if they want, have children with.

I can't help noticing that all the things you suggest are free, or nearly free. It really is quite bizarre, and not at all attractive to most women. Casual sex once a week in her house that she provides for you, and take her for a drive or a walk or even a coffee if she's lucky.

Mmmn...don't think they'll be queueing up for that somehow.

Can I ask if you have ever actually dated a man?

I am a heterosexual man, and not elderly.

I can't help noticing that all the things you suggest are free, or nearly free. It really is quite bizarre, and not at all attractive to most women. Casual sex once a week in her house that she provides for you, and take her for a drive or a walk or even a coffee if she's lucky.

First of all, I was specifically responding to a point about having alone time together, so I was suggesting ways for a couple to spend time alone together.

Secondly... I don't think the monetary value of something is an indicator of how valuable or worthwhile it is, and suggesting otherwise is ridiculous. What's wrong with something being free?

@greasyshoes

Can I ask if you have ever actually dated a man?

I am a heterosexual man, and not elderly.

I can't help noticing that all the things you suggest are free, or nearly free. It really is quite bizarre, and not at all attractive to most women. Casual sex once a week in her house that she provides for you, and take her for a drive or a walk or even a coffee if she's lucky.

First of all, I was specifically responding to a point about having alone time together, so I was suggesting ways for a couple to spend time alone together.

Secondly... I don't think the monetary value of something is an indicator of how valuable or worthwhile it is, and suggesting otherwise is ridiculous. What's wrong with something being free?

Ah, so I was right in thinking you have no idea what women want.

Nothing wrong with dates being free, but as pointed out, rather a lot wrong with every single date being free or very minimal cost, and every single stay over being hosted by one party alone.

I don't think we really need suggestions as to how a couple can spend time together, do we? Its not as if no-one has ever heard of having a meal in a restaurant or something now, is it?

What you are however suggesting is a casual relationship, and its really quite deluded to think that any woman is going to put up with it for very long. That is presumably why the OP is getting fed up with the situation she describes. I mean, it sounds like a dream for the guy, sex with almost no commitment and all he has to do is drive her around the countryside occasionally, but I can't really see any real live women finding it very tempting.

It might appeal to other men though.

@Snoozer11 I'd be much more likely to respect someone who's worked hard and saved rather than someone who's had their parents hand them the money for their own place. Do forgive those of us whose parents died in our 20s - at least I could support myself through the recovery from a long ICU stay after a major accident, 2 years of reconstructive surgery, and have enough left for my little house. So having at, ahem, life experience, or maybe life-and-near-death experience I am lucky enough to be back in my career which pays enough to just manage on 3 days a week tp balance with my health. I'm 38 with many more years to work.
I'm dating a man who also has complex health difficulties, works 5 days a week, and moved home with his parents after 8 years abroad and a 10 year marriage.

It's nice that so many of you think life is so straightforward - but it's not, a lot of the time. I'd probably have said I'd not want to date someone that lived at home but actually not having to travel or leave my animals is great! He's immensely helpful - asks and does the stuff my ongoing disability makes most difficult for me - and tbh I outearn him so I'm happy to pay for the food - he brings extras every so often and gets the odd takeaway.

Like the OP it's been less than a year and I'm in no rush, see myself as being not a good bet to have children so for now I am glad his close family gives him so much support, I get that from my friends, sometimes life doesn't quite end up anything like what you planned. Take it slowly OP and you'll feel more sure in time.

Nothing wrong with dates being free, but as pointed out, rather a lot wrong with every single date being free or very minimal cost, and every single stay over being hosted by one party alone.

Surely the romantic value of a date is completely unconnected to its financial value?

I think the "hurry" is to settle down ie marry and have children as quickly as possible.
I'm sure IP wouldn't be in such a rush if she were in her 20s?