Page 9 | Step grandfather, inappropriately touched my daughter

Workinghardeveryday · 2022-04-14T14:55:38+00:00

Last night my dd16 went for tea with her dad and stepmum to stepmums parents. She was weird when she came home and more moody than normal. I asked her a few times if all okay etc, she said yes. Later on I was saying good night to her and she seemed better, I asked her if she was okay as I was a bit worried about her. She told me when she was leaving step grandfather gave her a cuddle and squeezed and jiggled her bottom. She has made me promise to not tell anyone. Obviously I want to tell exh about this but if I do I betray her trust and she will never confide in me again. She rarely ever sees her dad and the rest of them. She said he’s never done anything like this before. Feel really torn. He is a dirty perv and will get away with it! Wwud?

theDudesmummy · 15/04/2022 16:16

Apart from telling the poice I would to your XH that it is untenable that DD spends any time with her stepmother, who, it has emerged, considers child sexual abuse to be a "way of saying bye".

theDudesmummy · 15/04/2022 16:20

And yes, absolutely definitely contact the parents of the other grandchildren. (I presume the stepmother herself may be the mother of some of the grandchildren? In which case the police definitely need to know specifically that she considers child sexual abuse to be a "way of saying bye". I would also contact the duty social worker to report that).

Pinksparkledust · 15/04/2022 16:36

Alarm bells here.

Step back.

An old man groping a 16 year old girl . A girl who is clearly traumatised . Not on.

These men rely on people not saying anything I order to get away with their disgusting behaviour.

You are worried you will cause a problem by bringing this up . This is something that must be raised.

Do not ever let her go around there again. The fact your ex and partner don’t take this seriously means they will not be watching her and looking out for her if she does go there again.

You need to step back and imagine your not the mum. Re read your post . It’s shocking . I would confront this man and say you want an explanation and it is a disgrace .

I’m a reserved person but if anyone ever touched my children - i would confront it head on . This is not on .

MzHz · 15/04/2022 16:40

I actually think Mahani has the right idea, showing a young woman that we always speak out when we’re abused and the shame isn’t on us, it’s on the pervert who did it.

Take this decision for her @Workinghardeveryday and tell her that it’s what needs to be done, for her protection first and foremost

If this man gets away with this now, this time, he WILL do it again and perhaps it’ll escalate too

My oh F was convicted of abusing a gc- it happens, and this is what needs to happen to stop him.

It’s so sad.

MzHz · 15/04/2022 16:42

@Neverreturntoathread

Yuk he says goodbye to young girls by groping them and his daughter thinks that is fine. No prizes for guessing what her childhood was like 😥

I’d ask NSPCC for advice, this is their patch, they will have good suggestions.

I’d also let the mum of the other grandchildren know. They are at risk.

Good advice, but I’d imagine the best people to inform other members of the family that @Workinghardeveryday isn’t a part of and has no contact with is the Police

Hoppinggreen · 15/04/2022 16:48

It’s tricky because if you do anything when she has asked you not to it may mean she doesn’t feel she can tell you things in the future. I think you need to try and persuade her to let you do something
Don’t expect any support from anyone though, chances are they will close ranks and it will just be “x messing about”. I have seen it in action.
The family will say it didn’t happen and if it did it’s not a big deal
I would want to kill him and of course she can’t go there again but unfortunately you probably can’t do much without DDs permission

Cottonfrenzie · 15/04/2022 16:50

'Wouldn't be welcome there again.' Good! I bet she doesn't want to go near him. He's made her feel uncomfortable. If I were her father I would be outraged he did that!

mrziggycoco · 15/04/2022 16:52

What would the word with the son entail and what would you hope it would achieve?
Is it likely to achieve that?
Is it likely to have a different outcome?
How would your daughter feel upon the second outcome?
Is she ever going to be around that man again?

FeelingYellow · 15/04/2022 17:00

I don’t think this has been handled well at all tbh. Your daughter deserved to know you told her dad and step mum. If anything, it’s a greater betrayal that you’ve not told her after she confided in you.
With all the minimising I wouldn’t trust her dad or step mum to accurately safeguard your Dd in future situations.

mbosnz · 15/04/2022 17:23

I agree that daughter needs to be told you've told her father and his wife.

I also think that you follow your daughter's lead as to whether to contact the police or not. Her voice and opinion, as the victim, need to be respected. You can tell her your reasoning why you think she should (preferably without implying that if she doesn't tell then other victims could result, and that this would be on her head), but ultimately the decision should be hers.

WhenTheLeveeBreaks · 15/04/2022 17:43

I’ve name changed for this so it doesn’t link to my usual posts

Please take this further , it is NOT harmless , your x and his partner are choosing to play this down instead safeguarding yourself DD , people like this will progress from this type of touching

My parents split when I was 8 and at 13 my mother sent me to live with my abusive dad and step mother so she could have a new life with her new husband . My dad used to visit his very elderly parents every weekend and I had to go .. having had a close relationship with them as a little girl I was shocked when on one occasion on leaving .. he hugged me tightly and did exactly the same .. He squeezed my bottom .. my father witnessed it and said nothing
I was then subjected to weekly groping for almost three years by my grandfather , I should add that he was in his eighties at the time .
On one occasion I couldn’t bare it and begged my father not to make me visit and told him I didn’t like being touched, my father slapped me round the face and called me a liar . Accusing me of being a trouble maker
On one occasion my grandfather actually attempted to properly kiss me and grab my boobs , the abuse only ended when he died of cancer when I was 16 and I subsequently moved out of my then abusive household
Years later my father admitted he knew I was telling the truth and said my GF had been caught trying to do the same to other women and he had caught him attempting to rape a young woman with LD who lived next door.. my dad said he covered it up because the truth would have killed his mother , so my father enabled his abusive father and delivered me weekly like a lamb to the slaughter so as not to upset his mother
Please don’t let this man get away with what he is doing , your dd and any other children that visit need safeguarding from this pervert

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2022 17:47

@Workinghardeveryday

Thank you so much for all the advice.

Last night I decided to speak to her dad and stepmum.

I was really nice and explained everything that happened. The reaction I got wasn’t helpful at all. Exh was more annoyed that I had wasted an hour of his night. Stepmum was understandably shocked by it and I ended up feeling guilty for saying something.

She said that is just the way he says bye!! They totally played down the whole thing and made out dd was over reacting. He isn’t a pervert as they know him so well!!! Wtf.

We all agreed in the end not to say anything further but dd would never be alone with him and he would be ‘watched’ in future.

I feel like it has made things worse that I have spoken up. Worried dd will find out I have spoken to them. At the same time I had to do something.

Stepmum said if she spoke to her dad about it dd wouldn’t ever be welcome there again.

You don't want DD going there again!

stripeyflowers · 15/04/2022 17:51

@WhenTheLeveeBreaks

I’ve name changed for this so it doesn’t link to my usual posts

Please take this further , it is NOT harmless , your x and his partner are choosing to play this down instead safeguarding yourself DD , people like this will progress from this type of touching

My parents split when I was 8 and at 13 my mother sent me to live with my abusive dad and step mother so she could have a new life with her new husband . My dad used to visit his very elderly parents every weekend and I had to go .. having had a close relationship with them as a little girl I was shocked when on one occasion on leaving .. he hugged me tightly and did exactly the same .. He squeezed my bottom .. my father witnessed it and said nothing
I was then subjected to weekly groping for almost three years by my grandfather , I should add that he was in his eighties at the time .
On one occasion I couldn’t bare it and begged my father not to make me visit and told him I didn’t like being touched, my father slapped me round the face and called me a liar . Accusing me of being a trouble maker
On one occasion my grandfather actually attempted to properly kiss me and grab my boobs , the abuse only ended when he died of cancer when I was 16 and I subsequently moved out of my then abusive household
Years later my father admitted he knew I was telling the truth and said my GF had been caught trying to do the same to other women and he had caught him attempting to rape a young woman with LD who lived next door.. my dad said he covered it up because the truth would have killed his mother , so my father enabled his abusive father and delivered me weekly like a lamb to the slaughter so as not to upset his mother
Please don’t let this man get away with what he is doing , your dd and any other children that visit need safeguarding from this pervert

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Byerolls · 15/04/2022 18:31

@Aquamarine1029

You have to tell your daughter right now that there are some things that absolutely can not be kept secret. This is one of those times.

I would be on a fucking rampage if I were you.

I completely agree!

I wouldn’t be able to contain myself. I know your in an awful situation OP, this is a mother’s nightmare. But I would go straight to him!

whynotwhatknot · 15/04/2022 18:49

this is how jimmy saville got away with it everyone was too scared

i wouldnt let her near them again

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 15/04/2022 19:43

OP you don’t have to leave it there.

There’s nothing wrong with reopening the conversation , in fact it can be an immensely powerful tactic to do exactly this. People think everything has been settled, and they’ve had the last word and then you come back with “actually now I’ve had time to think about it …”

They don’t get to shut down the conversation. And their ignorance is not the standard by which the decisions should be made.

I would possibly be willing to allow that it can be a difficult thing to get your head around, and that you had more time to process it. And give them a second opportunity to get this right. But I wouldn’t let it stand.

And she absolutely shouldn’t be seeing the creepy pervert again.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/04/2022 20:05

Your poor DD I could be and be and I hope i am way off the mark here, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if he hasn't been doing this for years. The vile creep. People don't just wake up in their late years and I think
Oh I think I'll be a perverted cunt today.

Comedycook · 15/04/2022 20:17

We all agreed in the end not to say anything further

Why did you agree to that? I wouldn't be quiet. They have effectively told you to shut up. Why would you agree to that? Honestly op, your passive reaction to this is quite frustrating. Your dd may say she just wants to forget it and not take it further but she's a child. She told you this for a reason. Do something.

Fox2010 · 15/04/2022 20:22

I’m stunned ! The fact you’re saying they’ll be watched, he won’t be alone again. And if they spoke up she wouldn’t be welcome again. Wow !!!!! Well I must be rare but by god my child wouldn’t be bloody going there again, any normal father should instantly feel rage. See this right here this is exactly why sexual abuse happens and beasty men get away with it. Sweep it all under the carpet, thank god my kids have a mum who’d move heaven and earth for them !

Whatinthelord · 15/04/2022 20:33

Oh lord this is disgusting. Your poor daughter. Firstly poor her for having been touched by a dirty old man, secondly poor her for having such a shit heap father and step-mother who would justify/excuse/enable such inappropriate behaviour.

“She said that is just the way he says bye!! “ - this is so ridiculous and pathetic.

Op I appreciate you want to maintain your daughters trust, but I would tell her that it is your responsibility to take some action to safeguard her. I’d suggest she should never see the stepgrandparent again, simply just not being alone with him clearly isn’t adequate if the other people around excuse his behaviour. I’d ask if she still wants to visit her father too…but maybe leave w/where up to her.

Op I suspect you are struggling with managing the awkwardness of conflict with your ex. However this is absolutely a scenario in which you need to get angry, be firm and assertive. If you allow her to be around this man again, then sorry to say, but you are enabling potential abuse to happen.

I’d call police and make a Sarah’s law request too.

Whatinthelord · 15/04/2022 20:36

@Comedycook

We all agreed in the end not to say anything further

Why did you agree to that? I wouldn't be quiet. They have effectively told you to shut up. Why would you agree to that? Honestly op, your passive reaction to this is quite frustrating. Your dd may say she just wants to forget it and not take it further but she's a child. She told you this for a reason. Do something.

Wow I missed this.

Op you can call them back and tell them after further thought you are not happy with it being left. Put boundaries in place NOW.

How would you feel if your daughter ends up being groped/abused/assaulted AGAIN.

She told you because she wanted you to help her.

WTF475878237NC · 15/04/2022 20:49

This is horrendous. She told you because she thought you'd have to act on it and you could take the fallout. You've completely absolved yourself of your parental responsibility.

Pinkyxx · 15/04/2022 23:25

I'm not sure there's any value in further discussing with your Exh or his wife. I'd suggest re-opening the dialogue with your DD to help her reach the point where she's willing to report this. She's naturally feeling very uncomfortable with what happened, wanting to avoid fall-out, avoid all the shame that inevitably comes with this type of experience.

I experienced CSA as a child, it was glossed over by my parents, never discussed again. The police were involved but I didn't know that at the time, as where my school - it was all covered up and hushed over. I was too young at the time to understand what had happened to me. I think they all thought I'd just forget. As I got older I realized what had happened, it was like slow torture as the pieces fell into place over a number of years. I was left with this overwhelming sense of guilt, shame and utter disgust at myself. I buried all this deep in myself, blocked it all out. It had and continues to have a huge impact on my life, something that's taken me a very long time to understand.

The only way to stop this happening to more girls and women is to throw light on this type of situation and teach girls, women that they are not to blame. That people who do this will be brought to justice. That they will be protected. She has told you because she wants and needs help. She needs you to be the one who stands up and protects her, no matter what the consequences. You need to report this and ensure she is protected from here on. If there's fall out with her Father so be it - you do not need his (or his wife's) permission to safeguard your child. Your DD should not be in the care of her Father ever again as he's told you loud and clear that he is not willing to safeguard her. You cannot pretend this hasn't happened: It has. Now you must safeguard your child.

All I can say is god help anyone who lays a finger on my daughter.

DrGoogleSaysSo · 16/04/2022 03:57

I'd report to the police. That disgusting man has to be stopped.

Monty27 · 16/04/2022 04:15

You betrayed your DDS trust. Absolutely not helpful. And you've thrown a hand grenade in to the mix.
Good luck with that OP.