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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Step grandfather, inappropriately touched my daughter

254 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 14/04/2022 15:55

Last night my dd16 went for tea with her dad and stepmum to stepmums parents.

She was weird when she came home and more moody than normal.

I asked her a few times if all okay etc, she said yes.

Later on I was saying good night to her and she seemed better, I asked her if she was okay as I was a bit worried about her. She told me when she was leaving step grandfather gave her a cuddle and squeezed and jiggled her bottom.

She has made me promise to not tell anyone. Obviously I want to tell exh about this but if I do I betray her trust and she will never confide in me again.

She rarely ever sees her dad and the rest of them. She said he’s never done anything like this before.

Feel really torn. He is a dirty perv and will get away with it!

Wwud?

OP posts:
Foolsrule · 15/04/2022 13:56

Just report him, OP. Someone has to be the adult here and it’s clearly not her own dad. What a weak, spineless man!

stripeyflowers · 15/04/2022 14:00

I'm not shocked about the playing down and minimising. That's how these perverts get to continue as they are, by the family refusing to acknowledge that cuddly old Uncle/Grandad/Dad is crossing sexual boundaries/a groper/an assaulter/a rapist. I would not let this drop.

stripeyflowers · 15/04/2022 14:01

About the 'testing' thing - yes. I look back now and see what all the tickling was about when we were children.

jellybeanteaparty · 15/04/2022 14:11

You can call the nspcc for advise as mentioned by another poster you can also speak anonymously to your local social services Multi agency safeguarding hub for advise and to raise a concern.

oakleaffy · 15/04/2022 14:14

@stripeyflowers

About the 'testing' thing - yes. I look back now and see what all the tickling was about when we were children.
Ugh...Yes...ALWAYS done by men.

Have you ever known a woman who ''Tickles?''

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 15/04/2022 14:20

Stepmum said if she spoke to her dad about it dd wouldn’t ever be welcome there again. wow.
I quite like @Mahanii's advice.

Yaya26 · 15/04/2022 14:28

I’d definitely do something. What if he chances his arm a bit further with your DD or another girl next time. Prick! Xx

StopStartStop · 15/04/2022 14:37

@stripeyflowers

About the 'testing' thing - yes. I look back now and see what all the tickling was about when we were children.
Yes. Tickling is always a red flag.
stripeyflowers · 15/04/2022 14:41

Oakleaffy

No - NEVER a woman.

There is much that annoys me about these times but it's wonderful we are so much more aware of these behaviours and can see them for what they are.

TheMoreYouKnow · 15/04/2022 14:42

So he'll say goodbye to her infront of them and do it again?! Wtf is the matter with them?? Why isn't her Dad disgusted and sticking up for her?

stripeyflowers · 15/04/2022 14:48

I've just read the comment about your DD not being welcome in that house.

Speaking from person experience of a child forced to visit abuser's house, even on Christmas Day, regularly for years - what a blessing that would have been to be banned from going.

oakleaffy · 15/04/2022 14:53

@stripeyflowers

Oakleaffy

No - NEVER a woman.

There is much that annoys me about these times but it's wonderful we are so much more aware of these behaviours and can see them for what they are.

Exactly. So many of us as children had to put up with inappropriate touching. As for that horrible step grandfather so say ''That's how he says Goodbye'' Is that how he'd say goodbye to the male tradesperson, or male friend? Of course he wouldn't! He spotted a vulnerable girl and took gross advantage of her.
oakleaffy · 15/04/2022 15:02

@stripeyflowers

I'm not shocked about the playing down and minimising. That's how these perverts get to continue as they are, by the family refusing to acknowledge that cuddly old Uncle/Grandad/Dad is crossing sexual boundaries/a groper/an assaulter/a rapist. I would not let this drop.
Yes, exactly this. As a child {9 yrs} I was left with a tradesman who was 'Old' and ''A lovely little man' ....

This ''Lovely little man'' seriously sexually assaulted me on two occasions.

When I mention it to Stepmom , all she says is ''But he was ancient, and tiiiiiny'' as if that made any difference! Confused

Minimising through guilt??

theDudesmummy · 15/04/2022 15:09

If this thread encourages just one parent to take the step of going to the police in similar circumstances, that will be well worth while. The police will take it seriously these days, really they will. I am not saying grandad will be convicted of anything because that is extremely unlikely. But: This is never ever going to be an isolated incident. The men who do this will have been doing it to many children/women for donkey's years. That in itself is damaging enough and a cause to go to the police to give him the message that he has been rumbled and needs to stop. Also, in a good proportion of cases this type of contact is a precursor to much more, either to that same girl or another one down the road. Call it out!

stripeyflowers · 15/04/2022 15:18

@theDudesmummy

If this thread encourages just one parent to take the step of going to the police in similar circumstances, that will be well worth while. The police will take it seriously these days, really they will. I am not saying grandad will be convicted of anything because that is extremely unlikely. But: This is never ever going to be an isolated incident. The men who do this will have been doing it to many children/women for donkey's years. That in itself is damaging enough and a cause to go to the police to give him the message that he has been rumbled and needs to stop. Also, in a good proportion of cases this type of contact is a precursor to much more, either to that same girl or another one down the road. Call it out!
Indeed.

The wife herself has said it HAS happened before and WILL happen again - because this is how he says goodbye.

C152 · 15/04/2022 15:24

@RB68

I think she knows you have to say something, I would have another chat with her and explain that she shouldn't put up with it, its not for her to be embarrassed and ashamed but that her Dad needs to know so she is not put in that position again. I am afraid now you know if you don't say something you are complicit if nothing is done
I agree with this. I understand why you are worried it will make her reconsider confiding in you in the future - I would worry about this too - but I don't think you have a choice. I would actually go one step further and report him to the police - this is sexual assault, which is a criminal offence.
ldontWanna · 15/04/2022 15:25

@theDudesmummy

If this thread encourages just one parent to take the step of going to the police in similar circumstances, that will be well worth while. The police will take it seriously these days, really they will. I am not saying grandad will be convicted of anything because that is extremely unlikely. But: This is never ever going to be an isolated incident. The men who do this will have been doing it to many children/women for donkey's years. That in itself is damaging enough and a cause to go to the police to give him the message that he has been rumbled and needs to stop. Also, in a good proportion of cases this type of contact is a precursor to much more, either to that same girl or another one down the road. Call it out!
Google Semina Halliwell.
oakleaffy · 15/04/2022 15:35

Google Semina Halliwell

Poor girl, poor Girl.
Just awful. Semima, you deserved so much better.

Police are useless...Just as they were with Savile complaints.

1forAll74 · 15/04/2022 15:35

You really should tell her Dad, if not this will kind of be a big worry for you from now on.and always be on your mind.

stripeyflowers · 15/04/2022 15:38

Oakleaffy

Minimising through guilt - yes, entirely possible. It's another terrible injury on top of the first - that some man, sometimes even a random man, is given automatic exemption from suspicion or blame, while calling their own child a liar.

billy1966 · 15/04/2022 15:48

Your husband is a disgrace.

Based on their response it might be an idea to call 101 for advice.

BadNomad · 15/04/2022 15:57

Of course you did the right thing. Your teenage daughter is uncomfortable with the way a man touched her body. She should not have to put up with that.

unname · 15/04/2022 16:01

@Workinghardeveryday

Thank you so much for all the advice.

Last night I decided to speak to her dad and stepmum.

I was really nice and explained everything that happened. The reaction I got wasn’t helpful at all. Exh was more annoyed that I had wasted an hour of his night. Stepmum was understandably shocked by it and I ended up feeling guilty for saying something.

She said that is just the way he says bye!! They totally played down the whole thing and made out dd was over reacting. He isn’t a pervert as they know him so well!!! Wtf.

We all agreed in the end not to say anything further but dd would never be alone with him and he would be ‘watched’ in future.

I feel like it has made things worse that I have spoken up. Worried dd will find out I have spoken to them. At the same time I had to do something.

Stepmum said if she spoke to her dad about it dd wouldn’t ever be welcome there again.

She’s probably also been abused. But your daughter never seeing this man again would be an ideal outcome.
mbosnz · 15/04/2022 16:10

Does DD want to see this man and his daughter again? If not, then explain to her piss-poor excuse of a father that in future (if she wants to continue to see him), that any contact will need to be far, far away from this scumbucket and his current wife who is an apologist for a perve.

Neverreturntoathread · 15/04/2022 16:14

Yuk he says goodbye to young girls by groping them and his daughter thinks that is fine. No prizes for guessing what her childhood was like 😥

I’d ask NSPCC for advice, this is their patch, they will have good suggestions.

I’d also let the mum of the other grandchildren know. They are at risk.

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