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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Step grandfather, inappropriately touched my daughter

254 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 14/04/2022 15:55

Last night my dd16 went for tea with her dad and stepmum to stepmums parents.

She was weird when she came home and more moody than normal.

I asked her a few times if all okay etc, she said yes.

Later on I was saying good night to her and she seemed better, I asked her if she was okay as I was a bit worried about her. She told me when she was leaving step grandfather gave her a cuddle and squeezed and jiggled her bottom.

She has made me promise to not tell anyone. Obviously I want to tell exh about this but if I do I betray her trust and she will never confide in me again.

She rarely ever sees her dad and the rest of them. She said he’s never done anything like this before.

Feel really torn. He is a dirty perv and will get away with it!

Wwud?

OP posts:

StopStartStop · 15/04/2022 10:48

@Tillsforthrills

OP you really need to find a backbone ASAP.

No matter who says what, your daughter was sexually assaulted. I’ve read family perpetrators are common because they feed off the “oh but it’ll make everything so awkward for the family!”

The fact that you feel like maybe you shouldn’t have spoken up due to their reaction and that you’d even allow her in his presence again is beyond shocking to me.

Quite.

Tell your dd you've spoken to them and what they said - including 'wouldn't be welcome'. They are minimising abuse, protecting an abuser.

JacquelineCarlyle · 15/04/2022 10:52

@Eatingjumper

Just to add - oftentimes this is a predator testing to see what he can get away with. Just something ambiguous that could be explained away incase it is called out. Once he knows he's gotten away with it who knows where it goes. And then the pressure is on your daughter.

This is so true. Sorry your DD has experienced this. Please do speak up to protect her.

PraiseBee · 15/04/2022 11:02

Jesus I'd be speaking to the police about this.

42isthemeaning · 15/04/2022 11:15

I would never let her go back there. You'd never forgive yourself if something else happens.
The right thing to do is to report him. It is a sexual assault.

Mahanii · 15/04/2022 11:28

I feel like it has made things worse that I have spoken up. Worried dd will find out I have spoken to them. At the same time I had to do something

You do need to tell your dd you have done something. This is what I would do:

Sit dd down, say "I spoke to dad and stepmum in the hope they would deal with it appropriately to keep you safe. They didn't. The next step now is to call the police and report it as a sexual assault. This is how women should deal with sexual assault and this is how I will keep you safe."

Then you call the police.
The police in all likelihood will not do a great deal BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT. The point is to teach your daughter the right thing to do in these situations. This is a huge and very important life lesson for her, right now you have an incredible opportunity to show her how to be a strong, assertive woman, as well as how much you love her.

Comedycook · 15/04/2022 11:44

This thread is so depressing. I'm shocked by the reaction of this girls father...most men would be apoplectic with rage if this happened to their daughter. I think the stepgf was testing the water to see what he can get away with. It's disgusting that other adults know about this and are basically doing nothing. No wonder abusers get away with it...

mumsn3tt3r · 15/04/2022 11:57

Stepmum said if she spoke to her dad about it dd wouldn’t ever be welcome there again.

This is mind blowing.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 15/04/2022 12:00

Her Dad's reaction is disgusting! I wouldn't let my daughter anywhere near the lot of them.

I would also be going to the police, because sexual should always be reported!

It is so sad that your daughter has also downplayed what happened!

SummerWhisper · 15/04/2022 12:27

@Mahanii's advice is spot on. You would be modelling what to do. You have done the correct first step although what that proved is that your daughter's private parts are not private if a man in their family wants to mess with them for his pleasure and he is more important than she. The fact that her stepmum already knows the pervert's response is telling. I wonder who else has been cast out for complaining. He either has money and they don't want to lose out on their inheritance or he is domineering and controlling and all the women and girls remain subject to his filthy ways. I think the stepmum herself is only surprised that he is now including extended family members in his perversity, thereby exposing himself to risk of arrest, hence why she is warning you that the loop must be closed.

It is fucked up, so please ban that man from ever being in your daughter's company and call 101 for advice so that he will be on their radar. They will likely interview him. It's absolutely what needs to happen. Your repulsive exh has proved he will never safeguard your daughter. When you have spoken to the police, let the stepmum know that nobody touches your daughter like that and gets away with it.

oakleaffy · 15/04/2022 12:29

@Workinghardeveryday

Thank you so much for all the advice.

Last night I decided to speak to her dad and stepmum.

I was really nice and explained everything that happened. The reaction I got wasn’t helpful at all. Exh was more annoyed that I had wasted an hour of his night. Stepmum was understandably shocked by it and I ended up feeling guilty for saying something.

She said that is just the way he says bye!! They totally played down the whole thing and made out dd was over reacting. He isn’t a pervert as they know him so well!!! Wtf.

We all agreed in the end not to say anything further but dd would never be alone with him and he would be ‘watched’ in future.

I feel like it has made things worse that I have spoken up. Worried dd will find out I have spoken to them. At the same time I had to do something.

Stepmum said if she spoke to her dad about it dd wouldn’t ever be welcome there again.

OH @Workinghardeveryday That is appalling. Minimising just seems to happen from people who are connected to these perverts.

The stepmother making excuses for her pervy father is not on.
A friend years ago was told by a young relative about what sounded like serious abuse.
When she told the child's mother, all hell broke loose, defending the ''alleged guilty party'' and saying the child had been making it up and lying!

Friend was also told she was ''No longer welcome'' at family get togethers unless she wrote a fulsome letter of apology to the ''Alleged guilty party''.

It was all very shocking.

It was all brushed under the carpet, hush hushed, with the {Probably erroneous} belief that the ''Alleged'' guilty party would be too scared to do it again.

So another sex abuser gets away with it.

oakleaffy · 15/04/2022 12:32

@Comedycook

Quite.

Always downplayed.
Aaaaand this is precisely how the Saviles of this World get away with it for years.

Rhondapearlman · 15/04/2022 12:43

Never mind telling the ex, you need to report him to the Police. Also don’t question your daughter any further as it could undermine any investigation.

It’s needs reporting to protect any other child he could have access to. This isn’t the sort of thing you can keep a secret.

Crimesean · 15/04/2022 12:45

Please call the police - ask them what they think you should do. It's shocking that your poor DD's own father is minimising this

It is never ok for an adult male to fondle the arse of any woman who hasn't consented - and it's much worse that your DD is a child.

Don't bloody well let your ex take her back to that house, she shouldn't be exposed to that pervert ever again.

You're her mum, this is your time to show her that (a) this is NOT acceptable; (b) she was right to say something; and (c) you should and will act on this and stop it from happening. Role model the right response and right behaviour.

theDudesmummy · 15/04/2022 12:55

The stepmum saying that is "just the way he says bye" means that this behaviour is the norm for him and that he has obviously done it to her too, probably for many years. She is not going to want to admit , even to herself, that she too is a victim of abuse.

100% go to the police. If it was me I would probably have gone straight to the bloody creep and torn him a new one, but actually that would not have been the right thing to do first, it would give him a heads up to get his story straight before the police speak to him.

You have no way of knowing who else has been groped and worse by this man but I can assure you it is not a small number.

SavBbunny · 15/04/2022 13:03

My daughter was attacked at 12. By whom, we have never found out.
Countess counsellors and schools tried to help but it ruined her education and her relationship with her brother who accused her of making it up.
If I ever find out the police will be the least of the perverts worries.
Your daughter needs you to be outraged for her. Your ex ashamed.

girlmom21 · 15/04/2022 13:06

She said that is just the way he says bye!!

Did you tell her that's the way perverts say bye?

Stepmum said if she spoke to her dad about it dd wouldn’t ever be welcome there again.

Bonus. She needs to talk to him.
Then he can say DD isn't welcome and nobody can blame DD for being awkward.

custardbear · 15/04/2022 13:20

Disgusting behaviours of everyone on that side of the family. Normalised child abuse!

MzHz · 15/04/2022 13:27

Sorry I’d missed your post this morning @Workinghardeveryday

I’m glad you spoke to them, but that kind of confirmed that he has form for this

What he’s doing is totally unacceptable but they have been groomed to think it is.

Let it sink in perhaps then follow up

I’m particularly disappointed in the reaction of your h. :(

Clymene · 15/04/2022 13:29

This is not how he says good bye to men though is it? I bet he doesn't squeeze your ex husband's arse.

I'm sorry your daughter's father can't be trusted to keep her safe. He's shown you all where his priorities lie hasn't he?

I'm so sorry. Your poor daughter. I also think @Mahanii's advice is good

Gizacluethen · 15/04/2022 13:30

You have to tell and show her that SHE shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed. She hasn't done anything wrong and she shouldn't feel the need to be silent because it's embarrassing. You need to show her she doesn't have to accept it silently. As hard as it is you have to tell her dad I think

MzHz · 15/04/2022 13:30

I’d tell exH that if she goes to his home or has contact with him ever again, that is report it to the police

His w is soo so wrong. I bet he’s touched her too. :(

theDudesmummy · 15/04/2022 13:39

The fact that is "just how he says bye" is also something that should be mentioned to the police when you call them. They might be interested in what other children he "says bye" to.

LondonQueen · 15/04/2022 13:42

I would be phoning the police, how many other women has he sexually assaulted? It sounds like he has done the same to the step mum.

Clymene · 15/04/2022 13:43

There are 3 other younger grandchildren who are at risk. And who I presume he sees more.

Orgasmagorical · 15/04/2022 13:52

She said that is just the way he says bye!!

To everyone?

They totally played down the whole thing and made out dd was over reacting.

How dare they . She didn't come in all guns blazing, you had to work to get it out of her. Twats.

He isn’t a pervert as they know him so well!!! Wtf.

WTF indeed. He isn't a pervert but he always squeezes and jiggles people's bums when he says bye

They know him so well - no-one knows an abuser better than their victims. But they don't want to know.

Well, at least it shows you just how important your daughter, a child's, safety and welfare is to them. Her own father

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