Husband and I having different views on him not working

[coffy11]

I've been going over this in my head for so long and would really love to get some perspective from others in this situation.

So some background, dh was a SAHD for a number of years when the kids were little and never had a career as such. I've always been the breadwinner and love working. Dh has had various casual jobs here and there but quits when it gets hard. He has anxiety and issues with his knees, back etc so the type of jobs he's done in the past have been cleaning type jobs which he can't really do anymore because of his health issues.

We haven't really talked about it but he has pretty much decided that he is "semi retiring" and won't really look for work because as he says he's not qualified to do anything and nobody would want him.

The problem is that while I understand his health/anxiety concerns it's not fair that he gets to decide that without me agreeing. I have so much resentment that's built up over the years and i feel like something has to give. It's like I've lost respect for him, I'm always annoyed with him and then he's annoyed that I'm annoyed. I just want him to want to contribute financially, even if he went out looking for work one day a week it would make all the difference. I just feel like I'm stuck and have no idea what to do. I just want to stop being angry with him all the time.

Any advice?

But OP hasn't said that?

@Acheyknees

But OP hasn't said that?

She hasn't said he's just pottering around doing housework either, though

I have so many things I could fill my time with. I find it really strange when people act like life without work has no meaning. Even without outside organised activities, I'd have quite a good time just me, myself and I. Being able to spend 3 hours cooking a new meal just for the fun of it, a leisurely morning in the garden reading a book, a walk through the local nature reserve, going to the gym, listening to podcasts while doing the housework and best of all, being able to sleep without worrying about work (best luxury of all). Add into that the extra organised activities like language lessons, a group meet up, volunteering etc I think I'd still manage to run out of time.

That all sounds lovely @flaglady but it’s not acceptable to decide someone else has to pay for you to lead that life. You bet I’d give up work tomorrow if I won the lottery!

I'd lose respect for someone, man or woman, who had no ambition beyond the home in their 50s.

I think that really judgemental of you. Why should people who don't want a career or work outside the home not be respected? Why do you look down on people who want to be at home, cleaning, cooking, gardening and keeping things nice for their partner? Why is it an admirable ambition to go out and clean someone else's house but it lacks ambition to stay at home and clean your own?

@TedMullins

That all sounds lovely *@flaglady* but it’s not acceptable to decide someone else has to pay for you to lead that life. You bet I’d give up work tomorrow if I won the lottery!

No I couldn't do it while someone else was financing it either (at least not financing it by working their backside off in a successful job). But there have been a few comments about how awful it would be to give up work and potter around.

She hasn't said he's just pottering around doing housework either, though

But she has said he isn't contributing or at least not contributing enough financially.

He's full of excuses for why he can't get a job, but expects the OP to keep working.

@moonbedazzled

I'd lose respect for someone, man or woman, who had no ambition beyond the home in their 50s.

I think that really judgemental of you. Why should people who don't want a career or work outside the home not be respected? Why do you look down on people who want to be at home, cleaning, cooking, gardening and keeping things nice for their partner? Why is it an admirable ambition to go out and clean someone else's house but it lacks ambition to stay at home and clean your own?

I would look down on anyone who is doing it on someone else’s dollar, and think it a very unhealthy dynamic. If they’re independently wealthy and can bankroll themselves, crack on! But it’s not fair to unilaterally decide to NEVER return to work after being a SAHP - the same as it wouldn’t be fair for the working partner to announce they had no intention of ever doing any housework or chores and wanted the SAHP to remain at home against their will.

@SandyY2K

She hasn't said he's just pottering around doing housework either, though

But she has said he isn't contributing or at least not contributing enough financially.

He's full of excuses for why he can't get a job, but expects the OP to keep working.

I wasn't talking about whether he had a valid reason for not working.

PP said they'd have no respect for someone just "pottered about at home doing housework" - I was just saying that nothing in OP's posts suggests that's what he does.

This is a reverse, isn’t it? Why should be expect the poor OP to subsidise him while he does nothing? Households need money to run and he isn’t bringing any in. All the stress is on the OP and he has decided this unilaterally. It’s not fair. For all those saying “why work”, the reason is bills need to be paid!

@moonbedazzled

I'd lose respect for someone, man or woman, who had no ambition beyond the home in their 50s.

I think that really judgemental of you. Why should people who don't want a career or work outside the home not be respected? Why do you look down on people who want to be at home, cleaning, cooking, gardening and keeping things nice for their partner? Why is it an admirable ambition to go out and clean someone else's house but it lacks ambition to stay at home and clean your own?

This partner doesn't want that. Neither wold I.

And I'm fairly sure I haven't been supportive on here of women who want to do bugger all while their husband works either.

I don't know all these women who never go back to work. All my friends have. MIL didn't but that was decades ago. My mother and grandmothers all worked after children.

@moonbedazzled I think the trouble with what you've said is that that assumes that it's healthy to have your entire self worth dedicates to making someone else happy which I fundamentally disagree with.

I think it depends on his role within the household. Rather than asking if he ‘keeps’ the house, does he actually ‘run’ the house and family? Is he a sounding board for the teenagers? Does he take on all caring responsibilities for ageing parents? Is he a driving force in planning household projects and holidays? Does he manage the finances and upkeep of the home?
If he does this vital and responsible role, then YABU.
If he does a bit of laundry and grocery shopping but leaves all the strategic/emotional stuff for you when you’re home from work then YANBU to think he should be working too.

@balzamico

I'm not dissimilar to your husband except that I haven't worked since having the kids (now teens). I don't plan to go back to work, we don't need the money and my career is long gone. I don't feel that any of us would benefit if I took a low paid job for the sake of it.

I do practically everything household-wise (& rightly so), the key difference for us is that dh and I have discussed it regularly (as it hasn't always been easy on either of us at different times for different reasons).

Maybe your dp would benefit from not having the pressure of being the sole earner? Maybe he (she?) would benefit from reducing their hours?

@TorringtonDean

This is a reverse, isn’t it? Why should be expect the poor OP to subsidise him while he does nothing? Households need money to run and he isn’t bringing any in. All the stress is on the OP and he has decided this unilaterally. It’s not fair. For all those saying “why work”, the reason is bills need to be paid!

But OP admits they don't need the money - she's just resentful that she's out working while he's at home.

Which is perfectly valid of course, but they should both have planned for this years ago when they decided he would give up work and stay home with the children.

Realistically speaking, a 55 year old with no recent experience, low confidence and health issues is going to struggle to get a job. And that's the risk you take when you opt out of the workplace for well over a decade - except OP benefitted from that risk and is now pissed off with the long-term consequences of it.

It's clear they both need to sit down and talk - and be realistic about what jobs he's capable of working with his health problems and whether it will actually benefit the household to have him working (as OP will then have to pick up his share of household tasks, school runs etc).

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

'But OP admits they don't need the money'

Whether they 'need' the money is subjective. She also says they will never own the house they are in outright and will have to sell it and downsize to fund themselves.

I don't think they are rolling in it.

Two incomes would protect them against unforeseen circumstances, could help them stay in their home, allow them to gift their children a deposit to get on the property ladder, fund travel or other things OP might want to do in retirement.

Most people aspire to more than making do with the basics. It's not fair for DH to expect the family to fund his lifestyle choice at the expense of things OP might want to do.

What happens if OP wakes up tomorrow and decides she won't be working anymore? Why does he get that choice and not her

Nobody ever doesn’t need more money! They could have a better life if he got off his backside and contributed.

How has the OP benefitted? She has had to work full time to provide while he has done the home stuff. Maybe she loves her work, but all work comes with a good deal of stress.

Let me tell you something. The home stuff is not a full time job!

I’m a lone parent and I work. I have to. My earnings fund this household. I also do all household tasks. I maybe don’t dust as much as I should but we are not living in squalor. So the cleaning, shopping etc does not take up a full day’s work, five days a week. Washing machines have been invented. You can shop online. Technology is a great thing.

Anyone who is a SAHP is getting the benefit of the doing fun stuff (and sometimes less fun stuff) that comes with being around the kids. And they are subsidised for that.

Can he work? Of course he could. Does he want to? No, he wants the OP to slog away without even a say in the matter. He is financially controlling her. And of course if the they divorced he would also probably take more than half of all she has earned. He is using her.

I'm a widowed mom with 3 kids between 5 and 12 years. I work full time and have little family support. I enjoy my job, it's good to have adult conversations at work. When I finish work I have the evenings to take kids to activities and to catch up on the housework. I batch cook at the weekends. I'm not saying it's easy but is is doable. If I could afford to I probably would go part time but it's not an option for me now. I don't know what I would do with my time if I was at home full time, think I'd crack up

Unless both partners agree it is not on for one partner to opt out of making a finsncisl contribution to the household. He needs to get a job.

Surely this is just the deal with a long-term SAHP. After so long out of the workforce, he's not going to be on minimum wage. What's the impact on the household? He's unhappy, OP has to take on much more of the grunt work and for what? Does the addition of minimum wage really make such a difference to the household to be worth that?

Not all work is paid. As long as he's pulling his weight who cares.

My mum was a SAHM and housewife all her life, she was the anchor of our family and appreciated by all of us (well the kids might've needed to grow up ).

A lot of people have to live on the minimum wage. Someone with some maturity behind them, some work ethic and skills could easily win a promotion after a few months. It’s easy for those subsidised by others to sneer at those toiling for an income but a true partnership is one where each contributes as best they can - financially as well as in other ways.

What if the OP becomes ill? There is nobody for her to fall back on because her DH prefers to spend the day folding laundry. What if she falls out of favour at work? Or if she would like to retire early? No chance under this setup. Her husband is entirely selfish.

What happens if OP wakes up tomorrow and decides she won't be working anymore? Why does he get that choice and not her

To be fair, nobody here has said she shouldn't get that choice.

But unfortunately this is one of the problems with agreeing to be the breadwinner and agreeing for your partner to stay home full-time for over a decade.

It has consequences far beyond the stay at home years. Pensions and NI contributions are affected, job opportunities when you eventually decide to go back to work are affected - plus the working partner has benefited from all those years of work, promotions, experience and not having to worry about school runs or attending assemblies or covering sick days or INSET days.

Too many people agree for one person to stay home without the considering what will happen when the kids leave home and that person has been out of work for 10-15 years with no recent experience.

@Soupercat

Wtaf does he do all day though

This has made me think. Myself and OH work FT and we do the cleaning between us and I WFH so do some school runs. I wouldn't say it is a FT job and we both fit household work and life admin around our jobs, although it is stressful.

I think you resent him because it isn't fair. I think we have a habit of applauding guys for doing their job as a dad and vacuuming a few times a week and being glad we aren't with a total waster. He has been great being a SAHD, and yes that is a job in itself, but the kids aren't home much of the day anymore.

I don't think you are helping him by allowing him to not to earn his own money. It probably perpetuates his mental health problems to an extent as he can just avoid things easily. He is assuming he is over the hill career wise, but how does he know until he tries? It sounds like he lacks confidence

He could even start his own business if he wanted to. Plenty of people do in their 50's.

How would not working also affect his pension contributions and him financially if the worst was to happen and you die?

I think the key thing here is about agreement or lack thereof. Being the main or only breadwinner is hugely stressful whether you are male or female.