Husband and I having different views on him not working

[coffy11]

I've been going over this in my head for so long and would really love to get some perspective from others in this situation.

So some background, dh was a SAHD for a number of years when the kids were little and never had a career as such. I've always been the breadwinner and love working. Dh has had various casual jobs here and there but quits when it gets hard. He has anxiety and issues with his knees, back etc so the type of jobs he's done in the past have been cleaning type jobs which he can't really do anymore because of his health issues.

We haven't really talked about it but he has pretty much decided that he is "semi retiring" and won't really look for work because as he says he's not qualified to do anything and nobody would want him.

The problem is that while I understand his health/anxiety concerns it's not fair that he gets to decide that without me agreeing. I have so much resentment that's built up over the years and i feel like something has to give. It's like I've lost respect for him, I'm always annoyed with him and then he's annoyed that I'm annoyed. I just want him to want to contribute financially, even if he went out looking for work one day a week it would make all the difference. I just feel like I'm stuck and have no idea what to do. I just want to stop being angry with him all the time.

Any advice?

@Jewel1968

I think the key thing here is about agreement or lack thereof. Being the main or only breadwinner is hugely stressful whether you are male or female.

Exactly this.

I think the key thing here is about agreement or lack thereof.

I disagree - the key question is if he can actually get a job, without any up to date experience; and I don’t mean a ZHC or the gig economy? Many of those sort of employers, who treat their staff like robots, could cause someone with anxiety and physical health problems, huge stress?

I am curious. Those of you that say things along the lines of.... You ran (run) the house and DP/DH/DW have had the benefit of career progression because you ran the home. And you would feel aggrieved if your DP/DH/DW now wanted you to get a low paid job.... Do you ever worry about what would happen if your DP/DH/DW got sick or could not work for whatever reason?

@TheSummerPalace but how will he know until he tries? Working can benefit mental health especially if you know you can stop if it isn't helping your mental state.

Working can benefit mental health especially if you know you can stop if it isn't helping your mental state.

I am talking from experience, although not DH. I can assure you, I get loads of texts every day, about all the problem an employer can cause; I spend my time reading up on employment law; and have been inches away from doing an employment disability discrimination tribunal. Some employers do not have a clue about The Equality Act and reasonable adjustments!

My ex-husband just upped and quit several jobs. It was immensely worrying for me. It meant I never cut back on my own work when I had two kids to raise too. I never had the luxury of a choice! When we ultimately divorced he got a larger share of our joint assets (majority earned by me) and waltzed off without seeing his kids again.

Partners who won’t try to earn a contribution (when kids are old enough) are basically exploiting their other half. I don’t believe they are in any way supporting the other’s career because actually single parents can still earn a living! It’s an antiquated argument.

Let him get a zero hours contract if needs be and earn his way up. Have a taste of his wife’s life as a worker. Does he really have zero skills or experience or qualifications? He must have done something before becoming a SAHP.

@TheSummerPalace I do understand that. I really do (as someone who has a disability) but I also know of cases where work has been a godsend for people. Luck is probably a factor but if you don't explore you won't find out. And knowing that you as a family can afford it if you need to walk away from a problem job should give you the reassurance to try. So many people are trapped in jobs that destroy their health (I have been there) and often because they are the main breadwinner (I have been there too).

So he says he has no qualifications and no skills, so what was he doing up to the age of about 40 before you had DC? - that's 20 years of work experience he should of had, but if he was doing very little prior to DC, it's no surprise he's not developed gumption afterwards. Signs were probably there as to how he was at 40, you accepted it then though, so why not now? If you both agreed that he'd go back to work once the DC's became more independent and he's reneged on that, I can see why it would cheese you off. But, if you did not discuss this during plans of him being a SAHD, you don't have much leg to stand on.

I’d say it’s not always a case of a couple sitting down and discussing these things. Sometimes it just comes about because one partner loses their job and you are married and have kids and are basically trapped in that situation.

Maybe the OP and her partner sat down and discussed it clinically. Or maybe he just told her he had lost his job. No reason why there can’t come a time to reassess the situation anyway.

I can’t for the life of me see why one partner should subsidise the other for ever! It’s meant to be a two way street.

This problem is normally reversed isn't it. It's interesting how the career person is happy for their partner/spouse to take a back seat from their job/career when it works for them ie they get supported to forge ahead in their career and then when the childcare issue is resolved the career person seems to think it is reasonable that the person who gave everything up to take any old job regardless of what they want. Inevitably they don't have any up to date quals so choice if position is limited.

I expect also that generally the career person wants their partner to just work part time so they still don't have to pick up their half of the household tasks.

Whilst I agree this should be discussed I can also see that your partner may also feel a lot of resentment.

It does sound like you just expect him to do it regardless of his he feels. As others have said think about replacing all the tasks he does with paid help. Best in mind he may only be able to get a min wage job but the cleaner and gardener will cost more than that.

What cleaner or gardener? Who says the career person was ever happy to let the other take a back seat?

Partners who won’t try to earn a contribution (when kids are old enough) are basically exploiting their other half.

This view denigrates the contributions of generations of women. I've no skin in this game, DH and I both work FT with two preschoolers although we could afford to live on one salary. The SAHP life isn't for me. But if DH suddenly decided it was for him my life would get dramatically easier overnight.

OP is being very unfair here I think. This has been coming for, what, fifteen years? As her DH spent longer and longer out of the workforce did she at any point say she expected him to return to work? She doesn't sound appreciative of his contribution to the family at all. She cast herself in the role of breadwinner, and by her own admission enjoyed it. Well guess what, that role runs until retirement. That's the deal.

I still don't understand why the person who is not the 'career person' doesn't feel vulnerable relying on one salary.

It doesn't denigrate generations of women. It's only fairly recently that our society requires two people working to afford a home etc... It's not about sex or gender it's about mental load, stress, and health of both parties.

I think it's unfair to say OP is being unfair as we don't know all the details.

@TorringtonDean, many men are happy for heir partners to become full time sahp as many think this absolves them of having to do any 'wife work'. When they aren't happy it strikes me that they want them to work but perhaps part time because, you know, they can then still do nothing as that person had enough time to do the wife work. They are happy because they can advance their careers (makes sense I earn more!) and build up their pensions.

You see post after post on here where the partner, mainly men, aren't pulling their weight yet still expecting their partner to work full time or part time and do the grunt work.

I agree with previous a poster, society holds little value to sahp because it's normally women.

@Noisyprat I am sure some (or many) people are happy to be the 'career person' and not want to do the 'wife job'. But many of us who are the primary or only breadwinner are not and do still do the 'wife job'. Who do you think the school contacts when there is a problem etc....

I certainly never wanted a career at the expense of not seeing my kids grow up but you do what you have to in an attempt to keep roof over your head and food on the table. The stress of being the only breadwinner is indescribable.

@Jewel1968

I am curious. Those of you that say things along the lines of.... You ran (run) the house and DP/DH/DW have had the benefit of career progression because you ran the home. And you would feel aggrieved if your DP/DH/DW now wanted you to get a low paid job.... Do you ever worry about what would happen if your DP/DH/DW got sick or could not work for whatever reason?

I like this observation/question!

Do partnerships still have an "in sickness and in health;for richer or for poorer" clause?

I was a stay at home partner to a greater or lesser extent and not the most employable or in the best place for getting jobs and I am honestly not sure we ever had a plan for that!
Many people are three months pay off the breadline but still 'other' those who always struggle to keep their heads above water.
I really feel for this guy managing with anxiety. It must be an awful thing to deal with. I assume there is a background of early trauma. Part of me hopes he leaves his partner and moves on or at least that he comes to see that option as a possibility. I think some supported voluntary work where he can work with others without bullying and a bit of skills training to boost self esteem and confidence might get him closer to being ready for interviews. He is probably of an age to have known chronic mass unemployment when guys in their fifties were written off. Depending on where he stays that may not be the way it is now. There is certainly a scarred generation though and many are far worse eg stuck on alcohol and substances or disability.

One reading of the post might be the wife gearing herself up for deserving a different partner. I hope it is not unfair to see that side in It. I honestly do not intend to impugn OP's character.

All the best. Life is a bit too short to get hung up on this stuff in the end but it is not always easy to see what is at the heart of it at the time.

Start by going to a men's shed for a bit?

@GrowingSlowly not sure if there is an answer to my question in there. Perhaps it's not relevant to your situation. I am curious about worry. I worry all the time about what would happen if my health gets too bad and I can't work (have a disability) and what that might mean as I am the breadwinner.

There was a time when married women were not allowed to work and certainly mothers were forced out of their jobs. Those days are gone now but it was one reason why women had to become SAHPs. Mostly throughout time women have worked and the idea of a SAHP is a very 1950s idea - sold to women to persuade them to know their place and let the men take the jobs.

That role was pretty denigrating of women’s intelligence.

Men have never been forced out of work like that. A man with teenage children could certainly work. I wonder why he feels it’s OK to let his wife do it all?

No. There wasn't an answer. I just said it was a good question.

I am in the exact same boat OP. My DH has minimal pension and not enough NI contributions for a full pension. I can't help thinking if anything happened to me he would struggle financially very much.

It was never the plan for him to be a sahd but an unexpected DC came along and as the higher earner my wages covered the bills and his didn't. I did not expect to be the sole earner 15 years later. He is honestly the only person of his age I know that doesn't work. All of the SAHM I knew are now working at least part time.

We are ok day to day but few savings, likely having to support 3 DC through university and one very old car.

@GrowingSlowly Ah understood. I thought it was me not understanding your post properly

Its a natural thought process tbh. Personally, I believe men and women should stick to their traditional roles as much as they have the ability to, otherwise, it will lead to resentment, subconsciously. Women are "wired" to be supported financially by their husbands, whilst they nurture the home and children. If we mess with this dynamic, it will create long-term problems, like the OP is feeling now. And yes, I am a woman.

What have I just read ?!

Does he have his own independent income? If not, how does he propose to support himself in his "retirement" if you are not in agreement with his decision? Is he just assuming that you will fund his choice?