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Original poster

Found camera in house

294 replies

Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 20:03

Hi,

This morning I found our old WiFi baby camera on top of the bookcase, plugged in and facing across the living room. You can see with it via an app, which I don't log into anymore (haven't for months)

I confronted my husband as soon as I found it, and he said it was to keep an eye on the pets, and for security and it isn't on anyway. (You turn it on via the app).

I feel utterly violated and made it clear to him. He keeps saying he trusts me and he forgot he put it there and forgot to tell me about it.

We've been together 15 years, young children. Both work. I work evenings so home all day with kids.

Relationship is generally good, nothing like this has happened before. Had our issues over the years as has anyone, but no issues around fidelity etc.

I'm in two minds as to whether it is a dealbreaker for me. On the one hand it is utterly unacceptable whatever the reason and a giant red flag. On the other... if what he has said is true, then I feel it would be an overreaction to leave the marriage over it.

I suppose it comes down to whether I believe him or not, and at present I'm on the fence. Utterly furiously on the fence.

Is this an instant dealbreaker for you? Help.

OP posts:
DaggerIsle · 13/04/2022 09:13

Wasn't he meant to show you the footage and the log ins?

marriedwithhounds · 13/04/2022 09:18

Jesus, this is dark. Definitely get out. I don't like the sound of him turning it on you ('I can't believe you think that...') or the love bombing with the promises of money and treats. Sounds like grooming and gaslighting.

Run!

billy1966 · 13/04/2022 09:31

Creepy as fxxk.

I think your instincts are correct.

The night wakings that you somehow weren't hearing is so premeditated and gaslighting.

Is it a police matter if your spouse is filming you in your home without your consent?

I think it is.

Perhaps Women's aid will be able to tell you.

He sounds like a manipulative, untrustworthy creep.

I would not want him in the house.

He needs to move out and you need time

I'm so sorry.

I don't think you know the truth at all.
There is something going on.
His verbal diarrhoea trying to worm his way out is very damning.

I wouldn't trust him for a minute.

AgathaX · 13/04/2022 12:19

I'm sorry this has turned out like this but so relieved that you can see it for what it is. I hope you get through to WA ok and get good advice from them. He sounds as creepy as fuck.

mrziggycoco · 13/04/2022 12:22

So you don't believe him/trust him? (this is the dealbreaker)

Vintagechic72 · 13/04/2022 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whoturnedthesunoff · 13/04/2022 13:53

@Vintagechic72
It would be better if you started your own thread separate to this one
Then you will get more support 💐

Vintagechic72 · 13/04/2022 14:26

Apologies, new on Mumsnet - I thought it was a separate thread - trying to figure how to delete

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/04/2022 14:47

@Vintagechic72

Apologies, new on Mumsnet - I thought it was a separate thread - trying to figure how to delete
Hi Vintage. I've reported your post so MNHQ can delete it. You have to Start New Thread.
Littleorangeflowers · 13/04/2022 15:58

Red flag central.
Then I read your update. The pleading, the I'm having so many problems. Red flag central. Follow your instincts.

Newschapter · 13/04/2022 19:09

My friends dh put "dummy cameras" in their house to "deter burglars".

Except when she finally threw him out and got her brother to help her sort her shit out, the cameras were very much wired up and keeping check of every room in their house- including the bathroom.

We told her she could report him to the police for voyeurism as visitors used the bathroom too, but she didn't follow that up (to be fair, she has a shit load going on, he's an utter cunt)

I hope you have the answers you're looking for and wish you all the luck going forward Flowers

movingon2022 · 13/04/2022 20:00

@Newschapter

My friends dh put "dummy cameras" in their house to "deter burglars".

Except when she finally threw him out and got her brother to help her sort her shit out, the cameras were very much wired up and keeping check of every room in their house- including the bathroom.

We told her she could report him to the police for voyeurism as visitors used the bathroom too, but she didn't follow that up (to be fair, she has a shit load going on, he's an utter cunt)

I hope you have the answers you're looking for and wish you all the luck going forward Flowers

There were so many people here saying this is normal and that she should trust her husband. The thing is we all trust our husbands until we do not any more. People do crazy stuff and sometimes you cannot tell until it is too late. I say, do not trust anyone 100%, people can disappoint you.
Crazyinlove123 · 13/04/2022 20:49

I’m probably being thick now but can someone explain the connection between the fake getting up with the kids in the night and the camera?

CrowAndArrow · 13/04/2022 21:17

Good for you OP.

Forgot, my arse.

ChameFangeNail · 13/04/2022 21:21

@Crazyinlove123

I’m probably being thick now but can someone explain the connection between the fake getting up with the kids in the night and the camera?
It demonstrates that he’s a lying, gaslighting creep.
Luredbyapomegranate · 14/04/2022 07:46

@Littleorangeflowers

Red flag central. Then I read your update. The pleading, the I'm having so many problems. Red flag central. Follow your instincts.
Yes having read your update, I’d agree.

Lots of red flags now.

SpringsSprung · 14/04/2022 16:00

@Forschittssake Everything ok??

whynotwhatknot · 14/04/2022 16:36

Sorry to read your update all the gaslighting and crap about how could you thin this of me just sounds like hes been caught out

MMadness · 14/04/2022 20:32

Feels like he's spying isn't the same as he is spying.

Unless he has previous form for being controlling and/or jealous I'd not even raise an eyebrow.

Truthfully ask yourself if you believe he's done this for nefarious reasons.

mathanxiety · 14/04/2022 20:47

'Feels like he's spying' based on finding a camera for which there is no logical or reasonable explanation is exactly the same as if he is spying, which he very likely is.

When someone has 'problems', do they respond by rigging up a camera to record what goes on in their living room or do they engage with a therapist and get to the bottom of it?

Original poster
Forschittssake · 15/04/2022 10:05

Hi all,

So I told him that there is absolutely no way he has forgot about the camera. The other item was a phone charge cable. He told me he found the camera while looking for the cable, and thought he'd put it up for security (he's not mentioned the cats again). He did it while I was out working in the day (I usually work evenings) and told me all about finding the phone charge cable when I got home because he's been looking for the fast charge cable for a while. He never mentioned the camera. So in the course of putting it up, telling me about the charge cable, and the week it was up, he never once thought to mention that it was there. As my mum pointed out, this has happened prior to me having a week off work also.

I told him I needed space to process everything and for him to not come home. He stayed out at his parents. He was here with the children yesterday as he had booked the day off prior anyway. Then yesterday evening I asked what the plan was for today (friday), and he said he was staying here. No discussion, just he was sleeping here. He graciously Angry gave me the choice of being in with one of the kids, or the sofa Hmm

I'm about to start night shifts so he's going to be here with the kids and staying overnight so as not to disrupt them.

I can see that this was controlling, and I felt instantly trapped. I informed his parents clearly what has happened and he's given them a totally different story of course. They've told me to sort it out quickly "for the kids" so there is fuck all help there. My mum seems to be supportive but I suspect she'd rather it all just brushed under the carpet to avoid anything difficult.

I do have close friends supporting IRL who are absolutely spitting feathers and sanity checking me.

I feel like im going absolutely crazy. One minute I'm not sure if I'm blowing this out of all proportion, or making it out to be worse than it is. Then im absolutely heart broken, as far as I'm concerned we were doing great and very happy together. We've had a really tough few years and this year has really picked up and been much better. (We lost my dad last year after a hard illness with cancer, as well as having our second child during covid). Then I think everything through and am just utterly furious again. 😠

Things keep coming back to me too and popping into my head. He's been making comments about my parenting on top of the sleep crap (FYI both kids slept through last night, what a shock) kust things like "im taking the day off today you can't deal with both kids when DS is ill" (DS had a cold).

I've also realised he controls all our finances. I've never really thought anything of it before but my close friend who is supporting me was horrified. I have to ask permission before I spend any money and he makes a big show of putting it into the spreadsheet and adjusting everything "so the finances work" (were talking small amounts 20, 30 quid). I bought myself a new top and leggings yesterday in asda, and left it in the car until he was out. I've always done it and never ever questioned why I do this when I buy myself something. Always felt guilty about treating myself. It's just not right. There are also two other accounts that he transfers money to, for food shopping budget and savings. I have cards for both accounts but cannot log in to see balances. He uses one with different "pots" for savings. I have asked repeatedly over the years for him to set the app up on my phone so I can easily check the balance and authorise online payments, and he never has. I do have access to the finance spreadsheet he keeps and I think it makes sense.

Is this OK and I'm being ridiculous and blowing everything way out?? I don't want to be the one who ends the marriage and split up the family and it be over something small and stupid - hence the needing reality checks.

OP posts:
BingBangB0ng · 15/04/2022 10:12

@Forschittssake

Hi all,

So I told him that there is absolutely no way he has forgot about the camera. The other item was a phone charge cable. He told me he found the camera while looking for the cable, and thought he'd put it up for security (he's not mentioned the cats again). He did it while I was out working in the day (I usually work evenings) and told me all about finding the phone charge cable when I got home because he's been looking for the fast charge cable for a while. He never mentioned the camera. So in the course of putting it up, telling me about the charge cable, and the week it was up, he never once thought to mention that it was there. As my mum pointed out, this has happened prior to me having a week off work also.

I told him I needed space to process everything and for him to not come home. He stayed out at his parents. He was here with the children yesterday as he had booked the day off prior anyway. Then yesterday evening I asked what the plan was for today (friday), and he said he was staying here. No discussion, just he was sleeping here. He graciously Angry gave me the choice of being in with one of the kids, or the sofa Hmm

I'm about to start night shifts so he's going to be here with the kids and staying overnight so as not to disrupt them.

I can see that this was controlling, and I felt instantly trapped. I informed his parents clearly what has happened and he's given them a totally different story of course. They've told me to sort it out quickly "for the kids" so there is fuck all help there. My mum seems to be supportive but I suspect she'd rather it all just brushed under the carpet to avoid anything difficult.

I do have close friends supporting IRL who are absolutely spitting feathers and sanity checking me.

I feel like im going absolutely crazy. One minute I'm not sure if I'm blowing this out of all proportion, or making it out to be worse than it is. Then im absolutely heart broken, as far as I'm concerned we were doing great and very happy together. We've had a really tough few years and this year has really picked up and been much better. (We lost my dad last year after a hard illness with cancer, as well as having our second child during covid). Then I think everything through and am just utterly furious again. 😠

Things keep coming back to me too and popping into my head. He's been making comments about my parenting on top of the sleep crap (FYI both kids slept through last night, what a shock) kust things like "im taking the day off today you can't deal with both kids when DS is ill" (DS had a cold).

I've also realised he controls all our finances. I've never really thought anything of it before but my close friend who is supporting me was horrified. I have to ask permission before I spend any money and he makes a big show of putting it into the spreadsheet and adjusting everything "so the finances work" (were talking small amounts 20, 30 quid). I bought myself a new top and leggings yesterday in asda, and left it in the car until he was out. I've always done it and never ever questioned why I do this when I buy myself something. Always felt guilty about treating myself. It's just not right. There are also two other accounts that he transfers money to, for food shopping budget and savings. I have cards for both accounts but cannot log in to see balances. He uses one with different "pots" for savings. I have asked repeatedly over the years for him to set the app up on my phone so I can easily check the balance and authorise online payments, and he never has. I do have access to the finance spreadsheet he keeps and I think it makes sense.

Is this OK and I'm being ridiculous and blowing everything way out?? I don't want to be the one who ends the marriage and split up the family and it be over something small and stupid - hence the needing reality checks.

The fact he’s not given you access to the accounts to see the balances etc. when you’ve explicitly asked is a red flag. Suggests it’s deliberately controlling behaviour rather than him just managing it for practical reasons and not thinking about it that way.
Original poster
Forschittssake · 15/04/2022 10:18

This is what I have realised. Its all lots of tiny things that over time I just roll my eyes and move on, but now I'm looking at it as a whole and I can't get my head around what I'm seeing

OP posts:
AgathaX · 15/04/2022 10:21

He sounds financially controlling, if not abusive. I'm sure he doesn't ask your permission before he spends £20 or buys himself a t-shirt?
He's not respecting your very reasonable current boundaries.
I think that the lack of support from both families is irrelevant. It's you that has to live with this man, to co-parent with him, whilst he gaslights, spies, lies and controls.
You have support from friends. You know you are in the right here.

BingBangB0ng · 15/04/2022 10:24

@Forschittssake added together it paints a picture of a very controlling and manipulative man. The level of premeditation involved in trying to convince you that you sleep through your kids waking, basically that you’re not a competent parent and are reliant on him, is sinister even taken alone.

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