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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found camera in house

294 replies

Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 20:03

Hi,

This morning I found our old WiFi baby camera on top of the bookcase, plugged in and facing across the living room. You can see with it via an app, which I don't log into anymore (haven't for months)

I confronted my husband as soon as I found it, and he said it was to keep an eye on the pets, and for security and it isn't on anyway. (You turn it on via the app).

I feel utterly violated and made it clear to him. He keeps saying he trusts me and he forgot he put it there and forgot to tell me about it.

We've been together 15 years, young children. Both work. I work evenings so home all day with kids.

Relationship is generally good, nothing like this has happened before. Had our issues over the years as has anyone, but no issues around fidelity etc.

I'm in two minds as to whether it is a dealbreaker for me. On the one hand it is utterly unacceptable whatever the reason and a giant red flag. On the other... if what he has said is true, then I feel it would be an overreaction to leave the marriage over it.

I suppose it comes down to whether I believe him or not, and at present I'm on the fence. Utterly furiously on the fence.

Is this an instant dealbreaker for you? Help.

OP posts:
growinggreyer · 15/04/2022 10:24

It all sounds like coercive control. Have a quick google and read up on it. It sounds like you have supportive friends, so perhaps go there and use their internet to do your research.

Forschittssake · 15/04/2022 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Forschittssake · 15/04/2022 10:34

@growinggreyer oh its definitely coercive control, thankfully I've been on MN for years and well aware of red flags, unfortunately I've never noticed them in my own relationship and now I've got bunting of the fuckers. But now I'm not sure what the next steps are - as stupid as that sounds as if I was reading the thread I'd be like LTB ffs 🤦‍♀️ but it's not that easy when you're in it, and you have people telling you it's OK, and to date you have been fine with everything because its all isolated things. So while I feel sure I'm right and this is all really fucked up, there is also a massive part of me that's not sure if this is really happening or that I'm blowing it out of proportion or being dramatic

OP posts:
caringcarer · 15/04/2022 10:38

This man sounds a techno perv. The combination of making up crap about kids awake in night and spying on you would be enough for me to step back and leave. He sounds controlling and creapy. Don't put up with it.

caringcarer · 15/04/2022 10:59

If he was innocent he would have instantly given you his password to see if he had been watching you. The fact he did not says volumes. Check the bedroom for camera.

Catupatree123 · 15/04/2022 11:20

I think you would benefit from talking to a counselor, you need outside input to help you see everything clearly. Being in a relationship where you are undermined, gaslit and financially controlled makes you doubt everything. Its not you, its him.

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/04/2022 11:43

None of this is okay. Flowers

You poor woman. Agree outside counselling may be of use.
Also please do follow up with womans aid and also keep talking to your friends and family.

Do not cover up or hide his shitty behaviour.

You do not need a plan here and now you can take some time. Given how small the children are i would consider putting them in together so you have your own room or you and not so DH move into kids room and they tale ypurs if its bigger.

He is a horrible controlling unhappy sounding man.

notapizzaeater · 15/04/2022 12:05

Don't forget this is only what you've found out about - have you checked your other devices ? Odd he mentioned finances when you've mentioned it to friends.

caringdenise009 · 15/04/2022 12:09

You've got your children's names in those screenshots

MumUndone · 15/04/2022 12:17

Oh come on, you've been together 15 years and nothing like this has happened before - so why don't you trust what he's saying and feel violated? We have a very rarely used camera in the kitchen for the dog, if I found it on it wouldn't bother me because I trust my husband and couldn't give two hoots if he saw what I was up to in there.

LazyJayne · 15/04/2022 12:24

@MumUndone

Oh come on, you've been together 15 years and nothing like this has happened before - so why don't you trust what he's saying and feel violated? We have a very rarely used camera in the kitchen for the dog, if I found it on it wouldn't bother me because I trust my husband and couldn't give two hoots if he saw what I was up to in there.
This is such bullshit.

OP, if someone filmed me in my own house without me knowing I’d be out of there. Even if that person ‘forgot’ 🤨 they’d done it, or said they were doing it for my/the family’s ‘own good’.

You have a right to privacy.

Not to mention the rest of the things you’re starting to notice. All of them are ‘off’ as your gut is telling you.

Be aware that the next things he’ll do are:

Make you feel crazy (‘I said I forgot, why are you inventing an evil version of me, you know I love you’)
Make you feel guilty (bringing the kids/his mental health into it)
Accuse you of infidelity (‘There’s another man, you want me gone’)
Accuse you of being abusive
Tell his family/friends you’re crazy/cheating/abusive

The circumstances are always different but the playbook is the same.

I’m really sorry, OP.

Dairymilk50 · 15/04/2022 12:25

@MumUndone your scenario is irrelevant to OPS. Her husband is claiming he has been getting up with kids.. on numerous occasions. Do you not think it's odd that OP allegedly has not her kids wake up??

Chances are unless she lives in a mansion her DH is a lying B

Dairymilk50 · 15/04/2022 12:26

Heard**

PupInAPram · 15/04/2022 12:30

@MumUndone

Oh come on, you've been together 15 years and nothing like this has happened before - so why don't you trust what he's saying and feel violated? We have a very rarely used camera in the kitchen for the dog, if I found it on it wouldn't bother me because I trust my husband and couldn't give two hoots if he saw what I was up to in there.
Did your husband secretly put the camera there and not tell you? Does he control your finances and tell you that your parenting is bad? There's no equivalence in your situation and OPs.
AhNowTed · 15/04/2022 12:33

@MumUndone

Oh come on, you've been together 15 years and nothing like this has happened before - so why don't you trust what he's saying and feel violated? We have a very rarely used camera in the kitchen for the dog, if I found it on it wouldn't bother me because I trust my husband and couldn't give two hoots if he saw what I was up to in there.

Bullshit.

So your husband goes out and buys a camera, secretly installs it on one of your rare work days, and you'd be happy for him to monitor you in your own home. You're as weird as he is.

Dairymilk50 · 15/04/2022 12:35

@AhNowTed haha you told that poster firmly. I'm with you!

Tulipsandviolets · 15/04/2022 12:47

Sounds like you're over reacting

PupInAPram · 15/04/2022 13:24

@Tulipsandviolets

Sounds like you're over reacting
@Tulipsandviolets are you OP's husband??
Original poster
Forschittssake · 15/04/2022 13:50

Thank you i didn't realise 🤦‍♀️ I've asked MN to delete that

OP posts:
Original poster
Forschittssake · 15/04/2022 14:02

@LazyJayne this far I've had tears, his mental health, "how can you think this of me" and now calling me paranoid

OP posts:
AgathaX · 15/04/2022 14:07

He's going to try every trick he can think of to keep you together. Ultimately though, he's just buying time until you forget or forgive, then he'll revert straight back to type.
This is your life too though, and you don't have to live it with someone like this.

Planesmistakenforstars · 15/04/2022 14:49

As far as the bank accounts, you have cards for them so they must be joint accounts. Contact the banks directly and get login details. Don't even bother going through him, you know he will only stall and not give you them. It is your money too, you have as much right to those accounts as he does.

REignbow · 15/04/2022 15:15

I would call WA and keep posting here.

Like others have said, he is relying on you to forget about this or feel pressured by the flying monkeys (his parents etc) to not mention it again.

I bet if you looked at everything (like you are starting to do), his behaviour is beginning to unravel.

So far from what you have posted:

He gaslights you
He has spied on you
He has lied about waking in the night for the DC (implying you are neglectful)
He has told you that you cannot cope when the DC are unwell
He controls the finances and makes you ASK if you can spend small amounts of money
He will not give you the log in details of the accounts of shared family money

None of the above is normal or right.

Original poster
Forschittssake · 15/04/2022 15:16

They're not joint, they are in his name and I have the card and pin. He puts an amount on it each month and that is my budget for food shopping (usually £300, that's kids, cats and food)

OP posts:
billy1966 · 15/04/2022 15:17

I feel so horrified and sorry for you.

When you combine all that he has been doing, it absolutely is 100% coercive control and absolutely a crime.

If you walked into a police station and asked to report a coercive control crime, I think you would be ticking every box.

My head is blown by the lies about getting up at night, implying you can't cope with your children, completely financially abusing you, you have no access to your own money even though you work?, and covert cameras in your home recording you.

I know you are shocked.
In your place I would call 101/ Women's aid for advice.

When he starts his histrionics, tell him YOU are very unhappy with his behaviour and are seeking advice.
If he feels the above behaviour is acceptable, he should be very happy for YOU to get advice.

Because he IS gaslighting you about this.

If he is 100% happy with his behaviour, he will have no problem with police involvement.

This is not a good man.

I don't believe you really know him, for the above to have been occurring.

Women's aid will confirm that his behaviour all combined together is a crime.

So start thinking about what you want.
But IMO the laws of the country behind you.

I'm so sorry.Flowers