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Original poster

Found camera in house

294 replies

Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 20:03

Hi,

This morning I found our old WiFi baby camera on top of the bookcase, plugged in and facing across the living room. You can see with it via an app, which I don't log into anymore (haven't for months)

I confronted my husband as soon as I found it, and he said it was to keep an eye on the pets, and for security and it isn't on anyway. (You turn it on via the app).

I feel utterly violated and made it clear to him. He keeps saying he trusts me and he forgot he put it there and forgot to tell me about it.

We've been together 15 years, young children. Both work. I work evenings so home all day with kids.

Relationship is generally good, nothing like this has happened before. Had our issues over the years as has anyone, but no issues around fidelity etc.

I'm in two minds as to whether it is a dealbreaker for me. On the one hand it is utterly unacceptable whatever the reason and a giant red flag. On the other... if what he has said is true, then I feel it would be an overreaction to leave the marriage over it.

I suppose it comes down to whether I believe him or not, and at present I'm on the fence. Utterly furiously on the fence.

Is this an instant dealbreaker for you? Help.

OP posts:
Soupercat · 12/04/2022 03:49

@heartofgrass

Hi OP I've only skim read so apologies if this has been mentioned.

If he has an iPhone you can look at screen time in settings and it'll show you how much he has been using the app (unless he's deleted it already)
This might help you make sense of what is believable or not.

Fwiw I believe he is spying on you and I can't believe anyone would be okay with this.

Yup. Might be up to all sorts
Baconking · 12/04/2022 07:34

Set up the camera in the kid's room so you can check if he really is getting up to them.

Say you want it on to work out why they are waking

loopycurtains · 12/04/2022 07:42

@Baconking

Set up the camera in the kid's room so you can check if he really is getting up to them.

Say you want it on to work out why they are waking

That's actually a great idea!
yogafairy · 12/04/2022 07:48

@Baconking love this idea.

MadeForThis · 12/04/2022 10:23

Love it. I'll bet you find the kids suddenly start sleeping through the night.

dramalessllama · 12/04/2022 15:00

[quote Dairymilk50]@dramalessllama genuine question here and it doesn't apply to those who are going away and even then it doesn't make sense. Anyway what exactly is a cat going to do? Most cats are well trained are they not? Dogs are too other wise surely they would be chewing your house down.

What can you do whilst your away anyway... VIA camera. Its odd.[/quote]
You know, I never questioned it at the time because he was so attached to his cats (2 were mine, 2 were his) and once he started living at the new house pretty much full time, before we legally and officially separated, I just assumed he missed them. When I say he was "Attached" to them, it was...bizarre and unhealthy, imo. He would get legitimately annoyed and hurt if they didn't come up to bed when he went to sleep that he would get up, go downstairs, and carry them up. If they jumped on the bed, he'd get upset but leave them be but yelling, "fine, go sleep somewhere else" at them.

His therapist diagnosed him as having narcissistic personality disorder, and there were huge codependency issues - on both sides, to be fair. But I've never known anyone who was codependent on their cats.

All this to say, it was just an excuse to spy on me, I am sure.

mathanxiety · 12/04/2022 15:30

He is lying to you about the smartwatch and the camera set up in the sitting room. His lies are utterly preposterous.

Get a camera yourself and set it up in the children's bedroom. Don't bring up the subject of his lying for a while, and see what happens at night, whether the children actually wake and whether he goes to them.

Go through the house with a fine tooth comb to see if there's anything else hidden. Check inside every single thing in every room, particularly the bathroom and all bedrooms.

mathanxiety · 12/04/2022 15:31

Also, change all your passwords.

Original poster
Forschittssake · 13/04/2022 07:02

So spoke with him. Raised everything (including night wakings). I also recalled that we've had a camera issue before (I knew it was there that time, for 'security') and I'd had to remove it due to him logging in. Totally forgot until my friend reminded me.

His reaction to everything was profusely apologising, then a massive sob story about how he's been struggling so much, how everything is so hard for him. How his mental health was poor at the end of last year (this is true, he had therapy). Then he went onto "I can't believe after 15 years this is what you think of me" "I can't believe you'd think I'd do something like that". Then suddenly started talking about work bonuses and what we can do with the extra money (which I recognise as gaslighting and love bombing). More than the camera, the reaction told me everything.

Then I was speaking with a friend after, and had the sickening realisation that there is absolutely no way he didn't recall the camera. Without being so outing I may as well post my name and address, he said he'd found the camera looking for something else. The day he said he'd put the camera up, I remember him telling me about finding the other item. So he'd remembered to tell me about that, but conveniently forgot the camera.

I'm utterly in shock, I can't believe that this has happened. I'm calling woman's aid this morning for advice and then telling him not to come back. Then going to call his parents and inform them their son will be returning home.

I'm utterly fucking FURIOUS.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 13/04/2022 07:12

Oh dear. That's awful, I'm so sorry. However, your gut instinct is justified. ThanksThanks

HotDogKetchup · 13/04/2022 07:14

I move baby monitors around and don’t always tell my DH. They’re not concealed so I would assume he’d notice.

FrydayFish · 13/04/2022 07:17

@HotDogKetchup
"I move baby monitors around and don’t always tell my DH. They’re not concealed so I would assume he’d notice"

Good for you

BusterGonad · 13/04/2022 07:19

@HotDogKetchup

I move baby monitors around and don’t always tell my DH. They’re not concealed so I would assume he’d notice.
How is this helpful?
redbigbananafeet · 13/04/2022 07:31

[quote Forschittssake]@hardrockowl - yes, because surely the watch would show when he was awake? So I wanted to see if there was a pattern to the times they are supposedly waking, and if its one waking the other up, so we could address that with relocating their beds, rooms etc.[/quote]
My watch (which is a cheap Fitbit) shows when I'm awake enough to have a sip of water. I'm
Afraid he is lying to say his is reading asleep when he's up actively settling or putting kids back to bed.

redbigbananafeet · 13/04/2022 07:43

Sorry, just seen your update and now know the watch is the least of the issues. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Cockenspiel · 13/04/2022 07:50

Unless he has the shoddiest smartwatch on the world then there’s no way it’s not registering getting up in the night. For one thing it would be counting steps and movement from A to B. If it’s a fancier watch it will be tracking his heart rate and oxygen level which changes a lot when you’re upright and moving around.

The way he’s reacted to your chat is quite telling, he’s trying to weasel out of it and derail with talk of work bonuses etc..

Xiomara22 · 13/04/2022 07:50

If you work all evening is there a possibility he’s filming himself and/or filming himself with someone?

Alwayspaintyournails · 13/04/2022 07:50

@Forschittssake

So spoke with him. Raised everything (including night wakings). I also recalled that we've had a camera issue before (I knew it was there that time, for 'security') and I'd had to remove it due to him logging in. Totally forgot until my friend reminded me.

His reaction to everything was profusely apologising, then a massive sob story about how he's been struggling so much, how everything is so hard for him. How his mental health was poor at the end of last year (this is true, he had therapy). Then he went onto "I can't believe after 15 years this is what you think of me" "I can't believe you'd think I'd do something like that". Then suddenly started talking about work bonuses and what we can do with the extra money (which I recognise as gaslighting and love bombing). More than the camera, the reaction told me everything.

Then I was speaking with a friend after, and had the sickening realisation that there is absolutely no way he didn't recall the camera. Without being so outing I may as well post my name and address, he said he'd found the camera looking for something else. The day he said he'd put the camera up, I remember him telling me about finding the other item. So he'd remembered to tell me about that, but conveniently forgot the camera.

I'm utterly in shock, I can't believe that this has happened. I'm calling woman's aid this morning for advice and then telling him not to come back. Then going to call his parents and inform them their son will be returning home.

I'm utterly fucking FURIOUS.

I am so glad you confided in your friend. Once he is out you need to go through the house with a fine tooth comb - check for cameras and listening devices he could be continuing to use.
notacooldad · 13/04/2022 07:56

I understand your feelings Op.
I can't see how you forget to mention it.

ScrumptiousBears · 13/04/2022 07:57

Did you ask to see the footage?

Soupercat · 13/04/2022 08:02

@Forschittssake

So spoke with him. Raised everything (including night wakings). I also recalled that we've had a camera issue before (I knew it was there that time, for 'security') and I'd had to remove it due to him logging in. Totally forgot until my friend reminded me.

His reaction to everything was profusely apologising, then a massive sob story about how he's been struggling so much, how everything is so hard for him. How his mental health was poor at the end of last year (this is true, he had therapy). Then he went onto "I can't believe after 15 years this is what you think of me" "I can't believe you'd think I'd do something like that". Then suddenly started talking about work bonuses and what we can do with the extra money (which I recognise as gaslighting and love bombing). More than the camera, the reaction told me everything.

Then I was speaking with a friend after, and had the sickening realisation that there is absolutely no way he didn't recall the camera. Without being so outing I may as well post my name and address, he said he'd found the camera looking for something else. The day he said he'd put the camera up, I remember him telling me about finding the other item. So he'd remembered to tell me about that, but conveniently forgot the camera.

I'm utterly in shock, I can't believe that this has happened. I'm calling woman's aid this morning for advice and then telling him not to come back. Then going to call his parents and inform them their son will be returning home.

I'm utterly fucking FURIOUS.

I don’t understand now.
Soupercat · 13/04/2022 08:04

What is the other thing he could be looking for that would out you so much, thinking now

duskyspringfield · 13/04/2022 08:38

His reaction is very telling… sounds pretty creepy OP.

SVRT19674 · 13/04/2022 08:46

Hmmm tricky. That he might forget to tell you about the camera, especially if he´s not actively using it, may pass. But the sleep thing...no. There is something weird going on and I can´t put my finger on it, and that alone puts the camera thing to be seen in another light. I think you need to keep your eyes and ears open to see if anything else weird crops up, especially if it has anything to do with gaslighting...

SVRT19674 · 13/04/2022 08:47

Oops just read your update...

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