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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found camera in house

294 replies

Forschittssake · 10/04/2022 20:03

Hi,

This morning I found our old WiFi baby camera on top of the bookcase, plugged in and facing across the living room. You can see with it via an app, which I don't log into anymore (haven't for months)

I confronted my husband as soon as I found it, and he said it was to keep an eye on the pets, and for security and it isn't on anyway. (You turn it on via the app).

I feel utterly violated and made it clear to him. He keeps saying he trusts me and he forgot he put it there and forgot to tell me about it.

We've been together 15 years, young children. Both work. I work evenings so home all day with kids.

Relationship is generally good, nothing like this has happened before. Had our issues over the years as has anyone, but no issues around fidelity etc.

I'm in two minds as to whether it is a dealbreaker for me. On the one hand it is utterly unacceptable whatever the reason and a giant red flag. On the other... if what he has said is true, then I feel it would be an overreaction to leave the marriage over it.

I suppose it comes down to whether I believe him or not, and at present I'm on the fence. Utterly furiously on the fence.

Is this an instant dealbreaker for you? Help.

OP posts:
Dairymilk50 · 11/04/2022 10:49

@elephantmarchingin you willinglytold your DH and you went away = the reason for the cameras.

OP has had her cats 6 years

Inthispositiontoo · 11/04/2022 11:37

You are right to feel violated, the pets and security sounds like a cover up, it is controlling. If he is that worried about security, he can get CCTV outside.

loopycurtains · 11/04/2022 11:53

@Forschittssake Would his log in show his activity on the app, ie when he has switched it on and off? If so, why not just ask him to show you? If he has nothing to hide, surely he'd open it up for you immediately? If he refuses or makes excuses, then I think you have a clearer picture.
Personally, I'm with all the PPs who ask why the need to hide it if it's just to watch the pets?

AgathaX · 11/04/2022 12:02

You're being pretty calm and accepting of this op. He's lying about the Fitbit. Mine shows even when I have wakeful periods in the night but stay in bed. They're very sensitive. As for the camera, very dodgy.

CandyLeBonBon · 11/04/2022 13:49

Yeah my smart watch knows if I've got up in the night. It doesn't register if I'm just lying awake in bed with insomnia, scrolling in my phone, but if I have had to get out of bed, it most definitely registers me as 'not asleep'.

CandyLeBonBon · 11/04/2022 13:50

Mine is a cheapo smart watch which may not be as sensitive as the more expensive ones but it definitely registers me as awake if I'm out of bed

dramalessllama · 11/04/2022 14:03

Similar experience to mine, except I knew the living room camera had been installed along with outside cameras. My now exH and I set up 2 cameras inside, one in the LR and one in the screened porch area to check up on our cats when we traveled. Except we never traveled.

ExH started living in what was supposed to be our dream home 2 hours away, and I was working from home. I'd unplug the living room camera because I knew he was watching me, and sure enough, within a couple hours I'd get a text saying "the cats must have knocked out the plug. Can you plug the camera in?"

This went on daily for months until I officially divorced him. He always claimed he wanted to "watch the cats." Riiiiiiight

Dairymilk50 · 11/04/2022 14:09

@dramalessllama genuine question here and it doesn't apply to those who are going away and even then it doesn't make sense. Anyway what exactly is a cat going to do? Most cats are well trained are they not? Dogs are too other wise surely they would be chewing your house down.

What can you do whilst your away anyway... VIA camera. Its odd.

Original poster
Forschittssake · 11/04/2022 15:43

@AgathaX I'm just utterly dumbfounded about it, I really want to believe him, but I don't. Now I've had chance to sleep on it overnight, I am still angry, violated and dont believe him.

He's getting sat down tonight once kids are in bed and he's going to show me the log ins and camera activity. If he's been logging in/refuses to show me then I'm done. If he hasn't and what he has said is true, then we clearly have some issues to address.

OP posts:
Drinkingallthewine · 11/04/2022 15:50

Why would a camera need to be hidden out of sight if it's for cats? Not like Fido is going to spot a camera and go "whoops, good job I spotted that before I licked my arse on the sofa"

And why set up a camera to monitor cats when someone's at home most /all of the time?

You know this is crap. You know that he set that up to look at what you were doing while he's not there. And that's very very wrong.

It's also concerning that you are being told that you are so dead to the world you don't hear your kids - do you drink in the evenings or does he make a drink for you before bedtime? I really don't want to alarm you but either you ARE dead to the world - in which case I'd worry why, or he's talking shite about getting up. But neither are things a healthy relationship should have. That's even without the camera...

AgathaX · 11/04/2022 15:50

Well I'm glad you have plans for wanting to see what he has. Of course, he could have, and probably has if he's any sense, deleted the camera activity. He'd have tried it out at least once surely, if he'd gone to the trouble of putting it up there, so there should be something to see.

Isthisit22 · 11/04/2022 15:51

There is no reason to set something like this up secretly other than to watch you secretly.
He already has form for lying to you and trying to gaslight you about the night wakings.
I'm sorry but I think you're going to find some pretty awful stuff on his laptop (unless he's already deleted it)

Cherry35 · 11/04/2022 15:57

He should have told you about the camera but it's definitely not a deal breaker. You can't divorce for this.

frazzledasarock · 11/04/2022 16:08

@Cherry35

He should have told you about the camera but it's definitely not a deal breaker. You can't divorce for this.
Thankfully legally OP can divorce for any reason she so chooses.

A lot of posters have non existent standards or are just outright trolling.

I don’t know anyone who would be happy to discover they’d been secretly filmed regardless of how boring and innocent their lives are.

AlisonDonut · 11/04/2022 16:22

I'm wondering now if the recordings are to document the 'not waking at night' issue?

QueenCamilla · 11/04/2022 16:34

I would be worried he's checking how deeply asleep you were with questions: Did you really not hear anything?! Did you not hear the kids? Did you not hear me getting up and about?

And that's worrying in it's own right...

Cherry35 · 11/04/2022 16:43

@frazzledasarock

Legally you can divorce for anything you want but I meant emotionally, you shouldn't throw away a marriage over such situation.

If your marriage was good before that and trust your DH, she should give him the benefit of the doubt. If they were already on the rocks then this is just the last straw. Obviously, nobody wants (or should) to be with a manipulative or jealous person

In my case, I would trust my husband due to the kind of relationship we have but I guess it depends on individual marriages.

rainbowstardrops · 11/04/2022 18:29

The camera thing is weird enough but to imply that he's getting up to the children and he can't believe you can't hear them, when his watch is clearly saying he's asleep, is very, very weird.
Like others have said, why did he need to watch the cats when you're at home all day and presumably he's there of an evening

If this is true then it's seriously fucked up.

CombatBarbie · 11/04/2022 19:02

Def suspicious and the story of him doing the wakings in night with the kids.

I think you played the card too soon though.... I would have jiggled the power cable at the back so it wasn't connected but not fully disconnected or switched it off at the plug and see if he reconnected it.

Either way, if your gut doesn't believe him, be wary.

Luna42 · 11/04/2022 21:49

What with the camera and gaslighting stuff about getting up in the night he sounds controlling. If your children are quite young it could be his true beliefs and entitlement is starting to show now he thinks you can't/ wouldn't leave him.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/04/2022 22:03

[quote Forschittssake]@Luredbyapomegranate the only thing that has really had me questioning, is he always claims he's been up in the night loads with the kids, 'how did you not hear them etc"..

I asked him to get his sleep data up off his smartwatch "gosh that's really bad, it's shows I'm asleep when I've been up with them, worrying that I'm asleep when I'm sorting them!" I told him that perhaps he's been dreaming about being up with the kids? This is perhaps why I'm as utterly livid as I am, as its come a few weeks after this.

(Apologies if that's an epic drip feed, I realise now it's relevant to my reaction and should have put in OP)[/quote]
Right. Well claiming to get up in the night when he isn’t is odd, so that plus the camera is unsettling.

There is no way a smart watch wouldn’t register someone getting up. They aren’t very good at measuring sleep cycles, but they do register walking around. So unless the watch is broken he is lying about that. And if it measures his steps during the day, it isn’t broken.

It is strange, could you tackle him about this at the same time as the camera?

If he is generally sound then I don’t know you need to pack your bags yet, but I’d be keeping an extremely close eye.

heartofgrass · 11/04/2022 22:47

Hi OP I've only skim read so apologies if this has been mentioned.

If he has an iPhone you can look at screen time in settings and it'll show you how much he has been using the app (unless he's deleted it already)
This might help you make sense of what is believable or not.

Fwiw I believe he is spying on you and I can't believe anyone would be okay with this.

ponyclub1234 · 11/04/2022 23:43

I feel like after 15 years u know ur husband well enough to know his excuse is legit or not, has he shown controlling behaviour before / jealous behaviour? Also did the camera look like it was intentionally hidden away? I don't see why it would need to be particularly hidden if it was to spy on the cats!

AhNowTed · 12/04/2022 01:41

If it was to innocently check on the pets, why was it hidden.

Soupercat · 12/04/2022 03:49

Two CATS though. Weird.
I’d get his setting for the app. Change his password/ email address on it and tell him you’re doing it

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