Dating Thread 227- Stepping Into Summer

[ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Gelato
Another to say hints don’t work always !

I have the same issue with loft !

Agree with smaller loads but last year I paid a friend who was on furlough to help me as I worried I’d fall down ladder and die alone 😂

@ButterflyOfShay oh, no doubt he had no idea what I was getting at. And no, I don't want to rush things. Really I was just hoping to orchestrate a reason for us to see each other before a literal month passes between meetings. Also, what is the point of a potential boyfriend if they don't help with stuff?

@SortingItOut yes, his concerns are very sensible! It was extremely stupid to not just directly ask him if he would come help me. He kept offering to help when my flights were messed up, so he would no doubt have been fine with it. I don't know why I wasn't direct - it really isn't like me and this outcome is showing why hinting is a mistake.

@Thisisworsethananticpated honestly, I think that I am going to have to just leave it for the moment because there is no way I can do it alone. A key problem is that my house is just too small. The clutter will have to continue (not envy).

Really, I am just kicking myself for attempting to be crafty and now having to deal with the fallout! It would have been a good opportunity to see how helpful and generous he is with his time, as well as to confirm how we approach a problem together. I'm now all about vetting.

Ps as of this morning, I have developed an enormous cold sore on my face (not mouth a huge one on the outside of my nose. 😨

So - not ideal for another meeting, nor for starting a new job.

@gelatodipistacchio Also, what is the point of a potential boyfriend if they don't help with stuff

To have a good time together, companionship, great sex....

I'm so independent I rarely ask Mr K for help, probably 3 or 4 times in 2.5 years. Too be fair I don't ask anyone for help as I 'have' to prove I've got this on my own🙄

Is the clutter all stuff you need to keep?

I hate getting stuff in the loft, mine is right at the top of the stairs and the landing is tiny - why can't it be in a bedroom?
Sometimes I rope my son in (who lives at home) or my daughter and I do it together although its not great as we don't like heights, get scared and then laugh too much when we're up the ladder which is even more scary 🙄

@gelatodipistacchio another one echoing what @SortingItOut says. You don't need a boyfriend who 'helps' as you're bored living together or likely to anytime soon.

You want a boyfriend to be kind, generous, warm, loving, respectful, a good match in bed and in sex generally, someone you want to spend your free time with.

I know everyone's different but you might want to reframe that in the opposite way, 'my boyfriend wants me to be helpful, available at short notice for female jobs such as cooking, ironing or childcare'.

Free yourself from the shackles of heteronormative expectations and you might surprise yourself with how much happier you are in your choices

*not bored, unlikely

Dratted autocorrect!!

@SortingItOut @BelladiMamma

When I said this, it was a bit tongue in cheek, but actually I sincerely wouldn't see the point of a boyfriend if he isn't interested in helping me when I am in a pinch. I would expect to do the same for a prospective partner.

My ex was worse than useless and I moved across a literal ocean to be with him, far from my family. I have almost no support here. Despite this, I have managed to escape him, divorce him, buy and renovate a house, buy and maintain a car, and handle almost all childcare in the past 3 years, by myself. I've proven I can do it, but to be honest it's fucking miserable at times, especially because everything here works differently from the United States. And
it's expensive to have to pay people to help all the time, for every tiny thing.

I think it's fine to hope for a partner who wants to provide practical support on occasion. Don't worry, I would ask for help with non heteronormative things on occasion too! And it's not like I am envisaging constantly bringing him over to do stuff, just helping on occasion with simple things that require multiple people. (For example, I recently used my neighbourhood WhatsApp group to get someone to help me with hanging some curtains - just putting them on hooks. I'm the only person who asks for this type of help because everyone else is partnered or has a support network in this country).

In this case, it really was a vetting tool/excuse to see each other sooner more than anything else, as described above.

gelatodipistacchio

Have you done your post ex DH decluttering ?
I’ve been brutally doing it for two years
And yet - there is always more
I don’t mean all their stuff but the paperwork
Books
New baby cards
All memories I have in head , so Chuck
I’ve somehow managed to eradicate

And the clutter is all stuff that I really want to keep but I just don't have space for. My arsehole ex kept the 5 bedroom house and told me I could store some stuff there long term, but still he insisted I come get these things recently, just after I had sorted my house

@Thisisworsethananticpated i think it will take a while to eradicate ex. He does everything he can to stay front and centre in my mind. He just ruined Easter for me and made sure that I know that his girlfriend will be highly involved in my daughter's Easter, for example.

Do you have any suggestions for removing exes from one's head? I could use these 😅

(maybe brain ex-cavation is something MrS can help with, simply by taking up space in my mind which is currently occuped by arsehole ex)

@gelatodipistacchio, why not be a little bit honest and say you have been wondering if there is a window of opportunity to see him ? As I read it he may not have picked up on this being a stealth attempt at getting him to your house and he might have thought you were simply asking for his advice. You’re saying in a roundabout way that you are busy and have no doubt told him that the new job starts on Tuesday. I would be a bit bold and ask if he fancies distracting you from the drudgery and grab a quick coffee or go for a walk? Or round to the house and see what unfolds.

@Stepcount I will probably do this. Hinting was a stupid thing to try. I definitely don't hold it against him that he didn't try to invite himself over - honestly, that would have been a red flag!

@gelatodipistacchio I hear you and I did see the tongue in cheek nature of the way you framed it here.

BUT ... and this is from a real perspective of 'I've been there' ... it's so important to know that you can do all this shit yourself (however angry it makes you feel sometimes that you ARE doing it all by yourself) ... because then your head is clear for the new interests to take up headspace, be they lovers, hobbies, new jobs ... etc etc

My ex is literally grey rocked in real life and also in my head. If he pops up in my brain 🧠 I tell my stoopid brain to grey rock 🪨 him. Doesn't always work, but massively reduces the headspace they take up ...

Oh, you should have called me, any excuse to shin up a ladder and rummage through a loft, I’d would have been round in a flash !, love doing that kinda thing.

As for
I know everyone's different but you might want to reframe that in the opposite way, 'my boyfriend wants me to be helpful, available at short notice for female jobs such as cooking, ironing or childcare'

I don’t have any kids, Ironing is easy and I’m an okay cook, so I sometimes wonder why I keep looking for partners 🤷🏼‍♂️, if thing Ms H goes south, not sure what l’ll do, I do get lonely now I’m full time WFH, it’s nice to just “be” with someone, as I’m alone for long periods of time now, not sure I really want to back to a full time relationship either,
Maybe a FWB would be a better arrangement, but I can also feel my sex drive slowly going, so maybe just some more friends,
Saying that, I’m out Tomorrow doing hobby stuff and Sat am as well.

gelatodipistacchio

What a cxxt
Grey rock 🪨? but someone here can advise probably better than me

Basically minimal minimal
Contact in bare sentences only relating to
A) kids
B) finance

Don’t let him ruin Easter
And ideally no speaking or face to face

[quote gelatodipistacchio]**@SortingItOut* @BelladiMamma*

When I said this, it was a bit tongue in cheek, but actually I sincerely wouldn't see the point of a boyfriend if he isn't interested in helping me when I am in a pinch. I would expect to do the same for a prospective partner.

My ex was worse than useless and I moved across a literal ocean to be with him, far from my family. I have almost no support here. Despite this, I have managed to escape him, divorce him, buy and renovate a house, buy and maintain a car, and handle almost all childcare in the past 3 years, by myself. I've proven I can do it, but to be honest it's fucking miserable at times, especially because everything here works differently from the United States. And
it's expensive to have to pay people to help all the time, for every tiny thing.

I think it's fine to hope for a partner who wants to provide practical support on occasion. Don't worry, I would ask for help with non heteronormative things on occasion too! And it's not like I am envisaging constantly bringing him over to do stuff, just helping on occasion with simple things that require multiple people. (For example, I recently used my neighbourhood WhatsApp group to get someone to help me with hanging some curtains - just putting them on hooks. I'm the only person who asks for this type of help because everyone else is partnered or has a support network in this country).

In this case, it really was a vetting tool/excuse to see each other sooner more than anything else, as described above.[/quote]
I'm with you on this and don't think it's anything to do with heteronormativity either (definition of which is the belief that heterosexuality is the preferred or normal mode of sexual orientation). What you were asking for was for someone to help you with something that you couldn't do on your own, not asking him to come over to put the bins out or put up a shelf.

It's very hard for some of us to ask for help and I don't think it's particularly healthy to not aspire to having it from a partner. This is not the same as dependence.

Interestingly my therapist is trying to get me to to the point where I actually do aspire to have a partner who is capable of helping me. Not because I'm weak or dependent or 'heteronormative', but because I am deserving of a partner who wants to contribute to my life in this way in the same way that I would contribute to theirs.

gelatodipistacchio

I didn’t realise you weren’t from the the UK

I knew long before I split with ex we were going to split and I’ve worked out a support network

But most critically im running a grey economy!
I’ve got ( cheap !) cash in hand babysitters , childminders , handy people , I’ve even paid mates who aren't working to help me out

That said when my handy friend came and helped me I nearly cried with happiness

I even sawed decking and took to dump last year!!

But it does sound like omnipresent ex is a bigger and harder challenge to navigate ?

And might be driving how you are about your iron

How much is liking him and how much is wanting to get ex out of headspace ?

[quote BelladiMamma]**@gelatodipistacchio* another one echoing what @SortingItOut* says. You don't need a boyfriend who 'helps' as you're bored living together or likely to anytime soon.

You want a boyfriend to be kind, generous, warm, loving, respectful, a good match in bed and in sex generally, someone you want to spend your free time with.

I know everyone's different but you might want to reframe that in the opposite way, 'my boyfriend wants me to be helpful, available at short notice for female jobs such as cooking, ironing or childcare'.

Free yourself from the shackles of heteronormative expectations and you might surprise yourself with how much happier you are in your choices

[/quote]
Such wisdom @BelladiMamma ! I’m working though this at the mo- what is it I want in a relationship in middle age, kids almost grown- I don’t need someone to merge lives with , more
connection, able to be entirely myself. Have 2 more than irons at the mo, both at a stage now where I need to make a choice or it will feel unfair. One is lovely- intelligent, kind, interesting but I think he’s looking for a more conventional partnership. The other is also intelligent , from very different worlds but extremely hot. Haven’t dtd with either yet but it’s looming 🤔

@BelladiMamma I get it. To be honest, thinking this through I can see that this issue is a big trigger for me. My ex is a total user and I know he's putting his girlfriend to work, and maybe I feel a bit of jealousy and competition with him even though I think that he is pathetic and disgusting.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow thanks - maybe I will ask you next time 😅

@ibelieveinmirrorballs bingo. I think that I have expected too little of some partners (and maybe too much of others in the far past), and I think I may finally be to a place where I can have healthy expectations without being needy.

People on MN told me that with my ex (who constantly told me I asked for too much) that in fact I was asking for too little

It’s hard work on these apps isn’t it!

I’ve had a few matches (I think I’m a touch old and a touch short for most people) and pretty much every one the chat has been hard work. I’ve just done a flurry of “I’m sorry I’m going to unmatch as there’s no spark here”, which is better than just ghosting yes?

@Thisisworsethananticpated I've done similar. Have been to the tip so many times, carried a houseful of wood flooring inside by myself when the courier dumped it outside (v. Difficult), etc etc. I'm also working on building a grey economy - good tip! I think part of what I would like is a feeling that someone has my back(?)

My parents have this, and my ex appears to have this. It's so upsetting to see various ways he helps his girlfriend when he was so shabby to me.

But honestly, I don't think that's driving my interest in Mr S. I have been single since Sep 2019 now, and I have shut down a number of interested men. Though maybe I am fooling myself, idk.

Gelato
To be fair I didn’t mean that ex was driving your interest per se , it’s clear you like him

But you have been in a bit of a tizzle recently and I’m curious if Easter coming and ex interactions havnt helped ?

I don’t know how you can easily get a space of minimal contact and interaction with your ex . Mines abroad and is also grey rocking me !

But the less you know and see and hear , the better for your sanity maybe ?

I think many of us want a nice man or woman to help us though life
But yeah
I also want world peace and no wrinkles

Real interesting reading about the “loft gate” situation.

What sort of responses would really like from your various partners?
Just saying you would do something for someone seems a presumptuous, would be more a case of, “I would do so and so, but let me know if you need some help “