Dating Thread 227- Stepping Into Summer

[ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Daydreamscometrue @ButterflyOfShay

My sexual desire was basically dead until I met this guy. i certainly hope that I don't have the ick!
Most likely it was because of the horrible cold sore, my exhaustion, and fear of my daughter coming downstairs.

But also, I am going through a total rollercoaster of conflicting feelings just by virtue of dating again. It's all a bit weird and scary!

I've also Pygmalioned myself significantly and I sort of think that I would have to help him in this way (which he actually seems open to - for example he was confused about some basic stuff in the fancy restaurant he chose, and he is about to redecorate but has no decorating sense). I'm not totally clear whether it's a positive thought.

Out of curiosity, what would others think of this type of skin condition? (Eczema, dandruff which I assume is related) Would it give you the ick?

Oh and @Daydreamscometrue he did want to kiss me, and tried to a couple of times. I did kiss him back but I was super worried about the cold sore

Everyone’s different but if I got sent that message I probably wouldn’t reply.

Firstly because asking me if I want to chat seems clunky - why not just open with an interesting question or one-liner? And secondly because straight away I’d feel like you were criticising or being demanding by saying that about the photo.

I’m not saying therefore that you’re wrong to go in as you did, but it would not work for me. I like witty, lighthearted openness from someone from the get go and any immediate demands for me to satisfy their requirements for additional information or photos annoys me.

@gelatodipistacchio Ms H also commented that my beard gave her chin 🔥, hmm 🤔 maybe the beard should go.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow proceed with caution! Debearding can be a bit of a shock! I really like Mr S's beard, hope we can find a way through that doesn't destroy my face

Shunter350

regarding the likes and not reply

I’m back on the apps but very half heartedly

so I’m doing it because I think I should to get over the last one
not because I want to , I’m not even horny !!!

so it’s feasible I have a bored view of hinge ,
like a few people
they might like me back and then i think ‘nah I can’t be arsed’ because I’m feeling meh, not chatty and not flirty

its nothing personal I’m just not in the right headspace
so I’d imagine many others are the same as me ?

Wait, what? Sexual activity on hold? Why???

It sounds like you had a great evening. I think my therapist would say try to think of MrS as a potential future friend and take the heat off wondering whether his imperfections (also known as, being human ) need to be hyper-analysed. This is as long as you still fancy him of course, which it sounds very much as though you do!

Ref the beard, I always find there is a critical time of beard growth during which no extreme snogging must be undertaken (and this time varies with beard-owner)... with MrM this was sort of 1-5 days post-shaving but after that things were fine. During this period my chin would be lacerated!

Thanks for the support re. Mr Ginger - I do find it interesting how hard it is for me to say no to things that are partly nice, but not good enough. I feel better today though, so that's good - maybe it'll just be a couple of days of slight pining. He had sent me back the most adorable, well-written, sensitive response saying such lovely things, I think it had given me pangs of regret. He said it was a sad outcome, but he recognised he was in a funny stage of his life (grieving sudden death of his mother a year ago, etc) and knew he was being a bit rubbish and was sorry.

I don't know why but I refuse to use the phrase 'giving the ick' BUT... this has to be personal. To a degree it wouldn't bother me on the hottest man I fancied, but if it was terrible it's the start of thing in a long term relationship that might start to make me feel a bit bilious.

Ref the Pygmalion effect - what do you mean; he's willing to be shaped and influenced by you and is that a healthy thing? I would be very careful with this - however that's because I know for sure that the more someone did that for me, the less I would ultimately respect them and want them as a long term partner. If it was something more short-term and casual it wouldn't bother me at all I don't think.

gelatodipistacchio

i suppose I’d want them to try and fix it
both his conditions can be addressed by the trip to the pharmacy !
i get frustrated when people
dont address
problem's

it’s interesting what you say about pygmalian
i read ‘women who love too much’
it’s a terrible title but it’s an eye opener in why I often go for people that need fixing or helping

but the ultimate question is does he make you smile . ?

Shunter350

ive just paused my profile again !
your post made me think
I don’t want to waste people time

@Thisisworsethananticpated he is definitely making efforts with the eczema. It's become clear that it's a big thing - like he puts on this cream before showering, and he has flare ups anyway. And when I stayed at his house i saw head and shoulders in the shower, so I am very certain he's trying.

His needing help is a huge turn off for me. I think it might be unfair. Historically, I go for men who act authoritative and push me around. 😐

He is super lovely and he definitely makes me smile 🥰

ibelieveinmirrorballs

you did really well with ginger 👍👍👍
he sounds like a nice chap but he was clearly stressing you out . When it’s 65% stress and 35% smiling
why bother ?
I might have the % wrong !

i am also pausing
i have some very tentative dates
but I’ve been doing alot of thinking and I think I need to address my unmet needs another way
I’m also not at all horny 😂😂

@ibelieveinmirrorballs re Pygmalion, he just lacks a bit of polish. He didn't know things about a menu that are basic to me. Obviously easy to learn.

After he saw my house, which I have put loads of effort into, he said that it has made him think that maybe he should take more care with his renovation. He showed me a photo of an ass ugly sofa that he has chosen, and I had to tell him that I hate it. It's like he is content just to default to a 90s middle class England aesthetic. So it would be fun to help him, but my abusive ex (for example) had amazing taste and was obsessed with appearances.

I actually think that his artlessness is part of what makes him a good person and potentially a good partner. And my mum revamped her husband, who embraced new sides of himself in their relationship, so it's probably not terrible?

Thanks - I really appreciate you saying that - this stuff is hard isn't it?! I didn't feel that stressed by him, but also didn't feel that excited either. The absolute bottom line too was that I don't think I would have fancied him enough to be a FWB type of thing (if I'm even capable of that).

I think that's a good realisation re the unmet needs. It's not easy to think these things and realise you can't 'unthink' them. As I say I've had the recent realisation that a very large part of my issue is the extent to which someone becomes the main feature in my brain. It's like whatever else is there to satisfy my needs, make me feel happy/content, etc, just shrinks away when there's a romantic interest.

I also am thinking uncomfortably about how I know my ex put his new girlfriend to work designing his garden, ffs. I don't want to be a mug either 😐

I think it could either be terrible or not terrible, depending on the people involved.

I'm curious about what constitutes a 90s middle class England aesthetic sofa? . And did you HAVE to tell him that you hated it?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs @Thisisworsethananticpated

These are really astute thoughts from both of you! Speaking for myself, it's a bit disturbing how when I meet someone, suddenly I feel that they are the only thing that can satisfy my needs.

@Thisisworsethananticpated any insight into where the horn went? Is it in mourning?

ibelieveinmirrorballs

yes . So the week the kids came back I was so ducking upset abiut Balkan I didn’t have the energy to do anything , engage with mental health agencies
that made me very angry with myself actually

happily I’m back on it but that made me quite worried

my unmet need is people and flirting and charming people
my sons school refusal has really isolated me
it’s only two years in and I’m realising that

Since the hipster revolution a few years ago, every man and his bearded collie has a beard, and as follows there has been an explosion in beard care products, personally I use one of Nivea ones, try suggesting to Mr S he uses an oil to condition it, you can pick up the Bull Dog stuff anywhere, lots of natural products as well, but those are more costly

www.menshealth.com/uk/style/a759646/best-beard-oils-to-buy/

I can suffer from dry skin as well, so use an Aqueous cream from boots, dead cheap

@ibelieveinmirrorballs there's still time for him not to buy it! It was so ugly.

It was sort of like this, but uglier: www.oakfurnitureland.co.uk/category/2-seater-leather-sofas/

I feel kind of bad for mentioning his physical issues, but this is an anonymous forum after all. I think most of it is worrying about what others might think, which is very unworthy of me.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow Mr S is so nice that he immediately bought beard oil! He's been using it consistently for a week already. Now his beard has a slight perfume to it

gelatodipistacchio

dont know and don’t care ! It’s only got
me into trouble
stay away horn !!!

im glad he makes you smile 😊
sometimes it’s all so confusing that you have to use simple measures

Yeah that’s a horrible sofa 🤣

sorry !!!

We might take a break until September as her DD is supposed to be going to Uni, this could remove some blockers and introduce overnight stays, weekends etc , especially when her weekends are sometimes mid week..