Dating Thread 227- Stepping Into Summer

[ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

It’s good you didn’t text him 😄

Penguinwaddler
ima huge fan of walking dates for this reason
statistically a high % of dates won’t be a success
but at least with a walk you get a chat in
see some places
and can stay for coffee or a drink if there is a spark

ButterflyOfShay
exactly ! I work from home perma
so yeah a walk and seeing a part of London I don’t usually see was a not unpleasant experience

as it has to be positive, otherwise why bother

I hear you @Thisisworsethananticpated , a walk, coffee, chat, sit in the sun if it’s nice is actually my perfect first date 😁 if they’re horrible you only need to endure 20 mins before scarpering!!

Ah well. Had a chat with my match, she's confirmed that she's sees me a "just friends".. disappointed but that's life.. back into the fray.

Sorry to hear that but at least she was honest and you can move on. I had a guy message me on Facebook who I knew when I was a teen, he had a big crush on me back then but was the most annoying person I have met, he seemed to think messaging me 22 years on would earn him a date, over the past few days he has been m messaging non stop and I haven’t been replying as I have been busy, yesterday I got really annoyed with all the messages so told him straight that he was annoying me, he then asked if he could make it up to me by taking me on a date, again I had to bite the bullet and be totally honest, so I said ‘no thank you, your not really my type’, his reaction wasn’t great 😬 but at least I was honest……and the messages have stopped. Honesty is always the best policy.

Though saying that, I’m not being honest with the guy I dated the other day, I really like him but haven’t told him that, mainly because I’m pretty sure he’s not that keen on me.

I am so glad I didn’t text him! And that I hadn’t been sat pining. If he calls later, then fine - but I won’t be chasing up. But some bloody effort in young man!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs have you and he had a chat about what you both want or are offering? He’s a number of years younger than you? Maybe he’s not sure how to act in his communication with you. Are you viewing this as a potential relationship or are you looking for some fun/low commitment?

@Lovemusic33 thank you.. maybe you should fess up and say you "like him very much" or find him attractive.
I told my match both these things and she still said the friendship thing.
I asked her if she felt awkward me finding her attractive in the friendship situation and she said no..

Shunter350

but do you need new friends
i really like Some of my irons but don’t fancy them per se
not sure if friendship will work with different expectations ?

maybe get back in the hunt ?

Thank you.. I maybe do need new friends tbh.. a fresh friendly face. Expand my circle a wee bit.
And I've just had a very friendly "morning" message from her. Maybe it's my male viewpoint.. I'm not used to having female friends. It's all a bit strange..
She also said she has no issue with me going back in the hunt.
So I have.. seat belt on..

No we haven’t - and we should. I think it’s such early days and it’s been terrible timing with both of us mostly away that tbh I wanted to see if we even thought there was sufficient spark there before having that kind of chat.

im definitely thinking more along the lines of ongoing friendly fun/lighthearted commitment rather than an ‘escalator relationship’ type of thing.

thinking more along the lines of ongoing friendly fun/lighthearted commitment rather than an ‘escalator relationship’ type of thing

if that’s the case then I think you have to put it in the right box and manage emotions accordingly

I fucked up on this front with Balkan , and so did he frankly

do it’s like do it IF we can say…..

no stressing about texts
mum fact less texts !?
agree communication frequency
agree what’s reasonable , and what falls
into relationship mode
agree to stop when it’s not right and communicate this
rather than ghosting etc

id even add in a one month review and path forward meeting 😂

this is my thinking if I get into a casual sexual again

@Thisisworsethananticpated yes - and I think, being realistic, the only way I can be like that is if I'm chatting to/dating others.

Last session with therapist (who is going to have much to say when we speak later today about my snogging/fumbling day hiking with MrM on Sunday ) concluded very much that until there is clear certainty with one person I should be a) holding off intimacy and b) dating/chatting to several people. ie. the 'interview process' needs to involve several candidates and should be lighthearted and non-intense. And that my issue seems to largely stem from premature fixation on just one person - which is unfair on them and creates ridiculous expectations that can't readily be met.

ibelieveinmirrorballs

im similar , and it’s stressful - as if i really like
the FWB (maybe more than as an FWB) I don’t feel right chatting with others
feels like I’m cheating and or wasting time

and frankly if you have FWB with ginge and mrM you are going to be one stressed lady !?

hmm so a pause this end whilst I consider my approach

Not sure how much I'm enjoying this now I've started! Been messaging with Mr NoProfile lots every day, but I think I'm now getting ahead of myself and over invested before I've even met him. I tend to overshare, which I know can be off-putting for men, and my messages are a lot longer than his. I now haven't heard from him all day today. I've messaged him twice, but will not message him again now. We are meant to be having a date on Sunday and I feel like maybe he's having second thoughts...

I'm also one for over messaging and over investing. I'm disciplining myself that sometimes "little is more".. for me it's a sign of my low self confidence and could be a red flag..
think of a plant.. don't overwater or over feed.. let it grow, don't suffocate..

lesgalettes

turn phone off !
this pre date texting is a total minefield
total headfuck

it’s like we get to know people via texts
itS madness and I’ve done the exact same by the way

@Shunter350 you're so right, I will try to learn from my mistakes, I've definitely just rambled on in my texts with too much detail about my everyday life which just doesn't really mean anything to someone who doesn't know me and maybe has 5 other chats going on at the same time. It just seemed too boring to just keep saying "How's your day" etc. But I'll take your point on that less is more. Shame because I know I was over invested but I did really like him.

@Thisisworsethananticpated yes it'll take all my willpower to not message him again, but I know I have to stop now. I've gone from being so excited I couldn't eat, to being so upset, which is ridiculous really because it was just a fantasy - I didn't really know him.

Shunter350 I have several friends I have met on OLD, one is now one of my best friends but there are awkward moments as I know he would like to be more than friends, I’m the one who wanted to be friends. I don’t have a huge friendship group which makes it hard to meet new people so it’s always good to get new friends.

Mr NoProfile has just messaged me! I think I will play it v cool as advised, and not message him back til much later tonight...

you see

and yeah email later , for your own sanity so not checking for a reply

have you turned off ‘last seen’ on WhatsApp yet lesgalettes ?

@lesgalettes , was it a message that needs a response? I would maybe text sometime after 7. That’s long enough that you didn’t just fire a text straight back but also allows time for maybe a few more to be exchanged this evening. As a general rule though it’s far better to not allow over investment in the texts and see if you can move to either a call, face time or best still in person meet.

Apart from childhood I've never had any female friends, colleagues yes but not "real" friends. Just the way it panned out I suppose.
Perhaps I'm struggling with the novelty of it all. It's a nice novelty though.
I'm curious, how do you handle the situation knowing that you're male friend wants more than friendship ?

@Thisisworsethananticpated were just messaging on Bumble so he doesn't know that I've seen message