Dating Thread 227- Stepping Into Summer

[ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow I'm actually feeling hacked off on your behalf. I'm so sorry.

I would have to have a frank talk with her about how this is making you feel if I was in your position. You both should be planning things equally.

@ButterflyOfShay so glad to hear about this. He sounds lovely 🥰

I think that the worst part of dating is the obsessive thoughts, which come from a place of uncertainty.

At this point, everything seems basically fine with Mr S and me. I'm sure he is very into me, despite the boner issues. I also really enjoy spending time with him. (It's not everyone you can have a 32 hour date with.) We have made plans for next time.

So now we have established basic personality compatibility, there's the inevitable process of getting to know each other better, learning about the things we don't like, establishing whether we want an actual relationship, etc etc.

Just thinking about it is stressful and exhausting. I don't know why I am doing this to myself!

Maybe part of the issue here is that without serious efforts by both of us, we will not see much of each other (and therefore go through the getting-to-know-you process) for the next month. I'm not sure he has really focused on this, but I want to go through our diaries and lock down times because I have a bunch of contingencies. But this seems like it might be a bit weird. We have known each other less than two months!

Sorry I don't come on this thread much and can never keep up! I just thought I would share this funny one. I've decided to stick with Bumble as its the least rubbish one for me. I was chatting to one guy for about 10 days but I was finding the chat a bit bland and it seemed like he just wanted banter rather than actually getting to know me. He sent me a message saying "hey I've decided to knock this online dating on the head, its been lovely chatting to you and hope you find someone special". He is now showing as a deleted account so I thought 'oh well at least he was decent enough not to just unmatch me'. 2 days later, there he is with a new profile!!😂

gelatodipistacchio

i hear you
my primary disquiet From my past 10 months of dating is how obsessive I get

I can forgive a lot , but not my obsessiveness

how can a man turn me into a mad woman who’s checking WhatsApp almost non stop and in my own crazy cycle of thought

how is it that if I ever met my overseas irons kids I’d recognise them as stalked their Facebook
id run up and greet them 😂

I’ve had times when I think I’m crazy
I think we worry about different things
but that 100% focus is driving me crazy and I’m actually angry with myself for it !!!

@Brightstar29 this just happened to me too, the date went well , he messaged to say he'd like to see me again, but then just dull boring messages which has now fizzled out, I don't get it, why do they say they want to meet again ? 🤷‍♀️

@Lollysticks12 men I have spoken to in the past admitted they have faded on girls in the past and then came back to them and told me it’s a male ego thing because they thought they could do better then realised they couldn’t. This is when speaking to male friends etc. When this has happened to me
they always try to come back and I never accept it but it still annoys me. I want someone who wants me enough the first time, but it seems that’s quite hard to find these days.

@gelatodipistacchio
@ButterflyOfShay
@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers
it been just over 8 weeks now, I’m feeling a unsure what to do, if I suggest something it’s me do the running again, but if I don’t, it feels like I’m cutting of nose to spite my face.,
Easter felt like a turning point, but maybe it’s not turned in the direction I was expecting!
i think I’ll sit on hands today ( not literally), and tomorrow I’ll prompt her with a “what are our plans for the weekend then “.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow that sounds like a good idea. I really hope that you can get something sorted ❤️

@Brightstar29 @Lollysticks12 I'm a guy (!)., I'll just say that in my experience if I don't get "encouragement" then I'll resort to boring messages and see what happens.
If I message a woman it's because I'm keen and I won't let it fizzle out unless it's not reciprocated.
I think it's still the case that women like men to lead but at 57 years old I'm not going to embarrass myself..

@Shunter350 I thought saying I'm free Thursday would be classed as encouraging lol , what would class as encouraging?

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow do you and Ms H chat much in general or is it pretty much sporadic and only related to the next date ? I can't recall if you have had the conversation about her availability ? I think I would send a message or call and bring it up quite clearly into the conversation- 'Hi I like you, I enjoy very much what we have shared but I guess I'm just wondering how you are viewing what we have going on here. '
If you are happy with occasional sex and not meeting anyone else then roll with it. However when I have been in similar situations it felt like I was making do, hoping for change and in the meantime not freeing myself to meet someone that maybe had more time to meet.

On the general issue of irons making contact following dates I think if someone leaves you wondering about their next move or level of interest then there is usually a reason for that. Communication is important to me and without exception every relationship I have had that flourished initially was with men who kept up good communication and put effort into sustaining the connection. In every other scenario where I was left wondering, accepted breadcrumbs and compromised about what I wanted, when I saw them and what they offered eventually messed with my head and came to nothing.

@Thisisworsethananticpated such a downer! Well I have a second date lined up this weekend with Mr Hipster from last weekend...

@Lollysticks12 yup! Sorry! That's what happens when I speed read., you're doing the right thing.
Personally I like a bit of flirty messaging.. it means we're both on the same "romance not friendship" page.
I'm currently in a friendship only rut.. which is nice but not what I'm really looking for.
Good luck!

Interesting to hear a male perspective on the messaging. What sort of thing constitutes flirting? I've been quite burnt with it ending up going down the sexting road when they have no intention of meeting but just want a cheap thrill.

Yeah I've seen this loads of times. Although in my case they haven't said goodbye they've just deleted the account and then created a new one. I think it probably gives them more matches as new members?

Ah I see. He must realise I will see him again though, so why lie? Obviously I swiped left this time.

Interesting to hear a male perspective on the messaging. What sort of thing constitutes flirting?

does “do you want me to fix your lawn mower” count ?

I agree with this - and on this basis have mentally parked Mr Ginger. After a good second date last week and despite pencilling our third date for next Weds, there’s been too little contact for my liking. It’s not for me. I’ve been ridiculously manic since we met so haven’t been pining or obsessing at all (for once!) but am operating purely on the wisdom here that it really shouldn’t be like this and I’m not going to pursue it further.

I can’t remember if I posted since but I also saw my ex MrM on Sunday for the first time since he finished things at the end of January. Lots of good talks about what happened and clear mutual affection. Also clearly still mutual attraction and I know if I wanted to the option for fwb is on the table. I’m pretty sure this is not a good idea but I haven’t felt weird or anxious since we met and feel good about the conversations we had about how things ended (despite having never argued it was a very upsetting conversation and he’d said some hurtful things during it for which he apologised).

it’s hard this dating lark. I wish I could have a FWB thing with him as we do like and fancy each other, and the sex was amazing. But I know it’s likely I’d end up getting hurt. Onwards…

@Stepcount
i would say it’s a bit sporadic, one of the key issues seems to be that she mostly works shifts so our free times don’t line up particularly well, her “weekend” might be one sun/mon or Monday/Tuesday kinda thing, where as I’m pretty much core office hours,
but I do take your point about making do,… 🤔

Swoon 😍😍😃

I agree with Stepcount so much on this:

every relationship I have had that flourished initially was with men who kept up good communication and put effort into sustaining the connection. In every other scenario where I was left wondering, accepted breadcrumbs and compromised about what I wanted, when I saw them and what they offered eventually messed with my head and came to nothing.

the only relationship that has flourished has been with Mr L and 8 months on it gets better and better. I have never once questioned whether he was into me because he has always made it clear and he is so consistent with the communication too. Interestingly our first 2 dates were dinner dates (although second one ended on a more intimate note 😀) and again the conversation that first time never faltered.
I really wish all of you do find what I have with him because it’s pretty special :)

100% agree with this!

@Shunter350 @Lollysticks12 I feel the same about subtle flirting - I think it's a good thing and points more towards a potential romance and not just a friendship
I am totally not interested in dick pics or explicit sexting but subtle hints or euphemisms are good, also prefer if it's not all the time! Some normal chat and then a little bit flirty.

So, Mr P who was so unresponsive over half term was a no show on a planned date, he stood me up. I called him up a few hours later and although he sounded mortified (says he got the date wrong), I'm done with it... I told him I'm not a mindreader and he can't just ignore me and expect me to pick up where we last left off. He can bugger off!

I had a good date on Friday... it's a younger man, and he's rather hot. Let's call him Music Man! He's a little bit unsuitable, really, in that he is living at home at the moment (he is just past 30) and in a career that has unsociable working hours, but ... we have a lot in common, including friends, and I already know his family. He's also a neighbour! This could be an absolutely terrible idea or fantastic, but we've hung out a few times since already - including a dinner date - and he's a fantastically generous lover. Very affectionate and straight talking. I have no doubts when I'm around him. This is likely to be a fling rather than anything serious, but I'm enjoying it!

On the subject of flirting.. I suppose it's subjective but I follow a few women comedians and characters on Twitter., and not in a weird way before everyone piles in..
I'll often send in some of the naughtier stuff. My chatmate seems to like it..
Look for Claire Cheeseman on Twitter.. you'll get the idea..

I haven’t heard from the guy I went on a date with yesterday other than one message yesterday, he could be waiting for me to message him, grrrrrr I hate this bit sometimes, mainly because I don’t want to make a tit of myself and I can’t handle rejection. I know I need to pull my big girl pants up and message him.