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Original poster

DP retelling the story of our relationship as if I was the sole initiator /instigator / predator

233 replies

uhustick · 09/04/2022 20:21

DP and I (both divorced, with DC, me 38, him 55) went on a mini break in Europe over the last few days away from DC. We have been together for 4 years.

Over dinner last night, DP raised a glass to us being together for four years this April and he said "who would have known?" I said "what do you mean?" He said "well it just felt like a fling/nothing special at the beginning, and who would've known we'd fall in love and be together now?"

I was a bit surprised as our early relationship had been very romantic, not fling-like at all. In those early months there had been lots of big talks and outlining what we both wanted - even before we had slept together, we had made it clear we were both on the same page (that we wanted a serious relationship.)

I didn't want to ruin the evening but DP kept banging on about how surprising and shocking it was that it went from "nothing" to "something." I questioned him about it, said I did not recall things in the same way, and he reminded me of a time (about 3 weeks into our relationship) where he had felt I was a bit full on and it was a bit "too much." But he said we "shouldn't dwell on it now.") I said what do you mean? He said "you were constantly in touch and I just felt it was all too much."

This was never my impression of the relationship. If anything, DP had been the initiator of everything for a long time, constantly in touch, literally narrating every fucking movement.

His version of the relationship, as he told the story back to me, was very different of my own. "Do you remember when you were in France and you missed me so much that you flew back?" Literally a lie. I did not do that - HE did that.

I have just got home and looked at the texts between us in those first three weeks where I was apparently "too full on." (I kept them.) I wasn't at all, it was mostly him.

He then went on to say that it seemed like I had "planned everything". That I was the main initiator. He then did the gesturing as if he was a fish and I had a fishing rod and I had reeled him in (gesture of finger in side of mouth) That he basically had no choice except to get "caught in my web." The whole story was told as if he was an innocent who had no choice in the matter. THis is completely untrue. He pursued me, I eventually reciprocated and then we were together. I am quite confused.

WHy is he making me feel like this? Why is he re-writing the narrative to make me seem like the instigator of everything when I wasn't?

Last night when i protested he kept saying "don't ruin things" and we were out at a nice meal, so I wasn;t going to argue over who said what when, or who was more the instigator, but now I am back and see it in front of me (I have records of all texts and emails from that time), it seems unfair and untrue and like he wants to put me on the backfoot

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

OP posts:
AmbushedByCake · 09/04/2022 20:22

Is there any possibility he has another woman? Seems common for adulterous men to re write history and make their partner an evil harpy who they never actually loved but were trapped by, so they can convince themselves their shagging around is justified.

housemoveslowmo · 09/04/2022 20:23

Agree with above. Sounds like he's re writing history. They often do this when they try to emotionally detach. We wary.

Blanca87 · 09/04/2022 20:26

He’s a creepy narcissist. What a total psychopath doing that, really what is going under the bonnet, there?! Very concerning l, I would be reconsidering the relationship.

Sunnytwobridges · 09/04/2022 20:28

I hate to agree with the other pp but yeah something is fishy about this.

Original poster
uhustick · 09/04/2022 20:29

that's exactly the feeling I got. The story he was telling me was one where I had "caught" him as part of my evil plan. I am still a bit in shock. Glad to feel justifed that it was not right, instead of bad for "ruining a lovely evening by questioning him"

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 09/04/2022 20:29

No you are no overreacting. Someone rewriting history, especially to paint you in a negative light, is a very very bad sign.

How is the relationship otherwise?

HirplesWithHaggis · 09/04/2022 20:32

It's all a bit gas-lighty, isn't it? Just as well you have written evidence.

MaChienEstUnDick · 09/04/2022 20:34

Look, I'll give you my take but it isn't a very pleasant one.

A 51 year old man embarking on a relationship with a woman 20 years' younger than him has two different narratives: the one in the golf club (or wherever) where he tells his mates that he's still Mr Studley of Studley Manor, and the one for everyone else which goes 'yeah, I know inside your heart of hearts you're thinking this is creepy AF but actually, I had no control over it. She pursued me, I'm not taking advantage of her, I'm not fishing from a pool I should be well and truly age-barred from, I'm not even in control of this story because she wants me so much.'

Men need to be the hero of their story (NAMNALT) and in this one, the age difference means you have to be the pursuer which not only absolves him of any ick factor, but shores up his Mr Studley status.

Sorry. I know that's not particularly balanced or kind.

Sparkletastic · 09/04/2022 20:34

That's really odd. And incredibly off-putting.

ComDummings · 09/04/2022 20:34

That’s really weird of him, definitely gaslighty. I’d be suspicious about why as well.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 09/04/2022 20:35

He's met someone else

Maybeitstimeforachange · 09/04/2022 20:36

Even if factually incorrect this is how he remembers it, how do you feel about that?

KohlaParasaurus · 09/04/2022 20:36

You're not making a mountain out of a molehill. That's deeply shocking behaviour and if he's rewritten the narrative to that extent already he can't be trusted not to make up even bigger lies about your relationship. It's a difficult position for you to be in, but you may need to reassess the person your DP is. He is in no way a gentleman, that's for sure.

Maybeitstimeforachange · 09/04/2022 20:38

Also does he often tell you not to ruin things by questioning him?

WTF475878237NC · 09/04/2022 20:38

Something is off here.

Darhon · 09/04/2022 20:43

When you met, he was fairly Middle aged - what was his relationship history? And how had it all dissolved with his most recent ex? I assume you were out of your first relationship and wanted to find another long term and settled relationship?

What is the set up now? Do you live together?

stuntbubbles · 09/04/2022 20:44

Even if he does remember it as like this (he doesn’t; he’s lying), why would he go out of his way to be hurtful when ostensibly toasting your four years together? “Here’s to us, remember when I wasn’t into you?” isn’t a nice thing to say or think. Especially when adding the fishing gesture, AND on top of that the extra gaslighty instruction for you not to ruin the evening: you didn’t and couldn’t, he ruined it with the initial comment. The whole thing is designed to undermine you – but why?

What are things like usually?

Original poster
uhustick · 09/04/2022 20:44

I feel really uneasy with all of this. Even this morning I tried to bring it up again but it just felt like a stupid thing to say. "You know you said last night that at the beginning of our relationship I was the initiator and I basically had a plan and reeled you in... well that's not true..." EVerything on the surface over the time away was great - good food, cultural experiences, got on well, lots of conversation and laughs. It was just his "summary" of our time together which basically narrated how I had planned everything and then finally got my "prize" (ie him.)

Do you really think he might have met someone else?

I feel like I can't bring it up or I'll get told that I'm making a negative out of a positive, or looking for the bad things. Or he'll say why am I taking a nice thing - like him raising a toast to our anniversary - and making it bad? He'll tell me only I can make a negative out of a positive,

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 09/04/2022 20:46

Do you live with him?

Is there a way for you to have some space for a few weeks?

Original poster
uhustick · 09/04/2022 20:46

Usually things are fine. We are both busy with work so do not see each other as much as we would like. Maybe 3-4 times a week we stay over at each other's houses.

He doesn't like it when I complain about anything or get annoyed at something he has said. His belief is that I "overthink" or I "always see the negative." Not surprised I always see the negative if he is constantly gaslighting me

OP posts:
LadyLothbrook · 09/04/2022 20:47

My husband did this. He tells me I pursued him when he was actually obsessed with me. I didnt even wanna be with him really and he just kind of ended up my boyfriend but he swears blind he wasn't even interested and I was chasing him? I feel like i am going insane trying to convince him of the true story.

Maybeitstimeforachange · 09/04/2022 20:49

His belief is wrong - time to throw him back into the sea 🎣

CousinKrispy · 09/04/2022 20:50

Yeah it's just not on at all. The fact that he's lied to paint you in a negative light is tremendously concerning.

And beyond that, what kind of asshole starts accusing you of ruining the evening when you point out that he's said something that concerns you? If he loves and respects you, he should be able to have a sensible conversation about it, and also to have the sensitivity to stop repeating it.

This does not sound at all healthy to me.

CousinKrispy · 09/04/2022 20:51

Ok, just saw your update. Sounds like the two of you can't resolve disagreements and he shuts you down with glib insults about you being "negative." In a healthy relationship you MUST be able to resolve conflicts respectfully and openly.

This relationship doesn't sound healthy.

BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ · 09/04/2022 20:52

@uhustick is he gaslighty generally? Because this reminds me of an ex of mine who was 15yrs older than me and very gaslighty- ended because he was a lying, gaslighting narc in the end.

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