DP retelling the story of our relationship as if I was the sole initiator /instigator / predator

[uhustick]

DP and I (both divorced, with DC, me 38, him 55) went on a mini break in Europe over the last few days away from DC. We have been together for 4 years.

Over dinner last night, DP raised a glass to us being together for four years this April and he said "who would have known?" I said "what do you mean?" He said "well it just felt like a fling/nothing special at the beginning, and who would've known we'd fall in love and be together now?"

I was a bit surprised as our early relationship had been very romantic, not fling-like at all. In those early months there had been lots of big talks and outlining what we both wanted - even before we had slept together, we had made it clear we were both on the same page (that we wanted a serious relationship.)

I didn't want to ruin the evening but DP kept banging on about how surprising and shocking it was that it went from "nothing" to "something." I questioned him about it, said I did not recall things in the same way, and he reminded me of a time (about 3 weeks into our relationship) where he had felt I was a bit full on and it was a bit "too much." But he said we "shouldn't dwell on it now.") I said what do you mean? He said "you were constantly in touch and I just felt it was all too much."

This was never my impression of the relationship. If anything, DP had been the initiator of everything for a long time, constantly in touch, literally narrating every fucking movement.

His version of the relationship, as he told the story back to me, was very different of my own. "Do you remember when you were in France and you missed me so much that you flew back?" Literally a lie. I did not do that - HE did that.

I have just got home and looked at the texts between us in those first three weeks where I was apparently "too full on." (I kept them.) I wasn't at all, it was mostly him.

He then went on to say that it seemed like I had "planned everything". That I was the main initiator. He then did the gesturing as if he was a fish and I had a fishing rod and I had reeled him in (gesture of finger in side of mouth) That he basically had no choice except to get "caught in my web." The whole story was told as if he was an innocent who had no choice in the matter. THis is completely untrue. He pursued me, I eventually reciprocated and then we were together. I am quite confused.

WHy is he making me feel like this? Why is he re-writing the narrative to make me seem like the instigator of everything when I wasn't?

Last night when i protested he kept saying "don't ruin things" and we were out at a nice meal, so I wasn;t going to argue over who said what when, or who was more the instigator, but now I am back and see it in front of me (I have records of all texts and emails from that time), it seems unfair and untrue and like he wants to put me on the backfoot

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

*shut down

I would tell him calmly we both know the truth about how we got together but if you insist on rewriting history I will have to think about rewriting any future with you.

When he starts trying to disagree gaslight, you grey rock as I'd say you've stated your position.

Honestly, unless he comes back and says yeah, I got carried away and really apologises then I'd say the rot had set in.

He'll tell me only I can make a negative out of a positive

Wow. That’s quite the put down.

Isn't this just the usual macho bs that men never want serious relationships, they just fall into them by starting casual relationships with women who 'get their claws into them'. It's a common trope isn't it.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

You can't stay in a relationship when someone lies to your face and thinks its okay.

Sit down, either leave now (sensible) or lay it out. He's lying. Straight up. It stops or the relationship is over - the flying from France is just bizarre. This isn't a case of 'our first date was at an Italian' vs 'Our first date we had a kebab' - this is much more serious.

You are already walking on egg shells and not disagreeing. That's not healthy. The whole 'fish hook' is just quite disgusting.

He's a lot older than you, honestly - I think you should be giving thought to this. Find someone in their 30's/early 40's who isn't going to lie to your face.

Ask him if he really believes you perused him relentlessly and hooked him in. If he says yes explain that you are sure that isn’t the situation. Await the fall out and decide what you want to do.

A PP described this as a character assassination. I would agree.

It took me a long time to realise how unhealthy my marriage was.

Mainly being told I was anyways negative if I disagreed or challenged and that over thought things when I was just reacting, processing, considering. Of course it's healthy and normal to discuss things and not be silenced or shut down. I know that now.

I also understand much better how narcissists behave. They are so charming and pushy and forceful at the beginning until you let them in. You literally feel amazing. Mine was a covert narcissist too. Everyone was fooled.

Once they get comfortable they gradually and slowly start to rearrange things.

Put you down.

Make you question yourself or accept things. Like gas lighting. Changing the narrative.

I stayed in far too long mainly because we had children.

I was codependent so just ignored all the red flags. I accepted what I was given. And eventually all the stuff about how no-one else could stand me or how I was happy really and had a nice life.

But I always felt unsettled, like I was living the lie I was. Something felt odd and I couldn't put my finger on it so was in denial.,

Leaving took courage. I'm still recovering and healing.

Please don't accept his version of you and your life.

He sounds like an absolute freak and you are 4 years with him?

Why?

@CordeliaBrideshead

It took me a long time to realise how unhealthy my marriage was.

Mainly being told I was anyways negative if I disagreed or challenged and that over thought things when I was just reacting, processing, considering. Of course it's healthy and normal to discuss things and not be silenced or shut down. I know that now.

I also understand much better how narcissists behave. They are so charming and pushy and forceful at the beginning until you let them in. You literally feel amazing. Mine was a covert narcissist too. Everyone was fooled.

Once they get comfortable they gradually and slowly start to rearrange things.

Put you down.

Make you question yourself or accept things. Like gas lighting. Changing the narrative.

I stayed in far too long mainly because we had children.

I was codependent so just ignored all the red flags. I accepted what I was given. And eventually all the stuff about how no-one else could stand me or how I was happy really and had a nice life.

But I always felt unsettled, like I was living the lie I was. Something felt odd and I couldn't put my finger on it so was in denial.,

Leaving took courage. I'm still recovering and healing.

Please don't accept his version of you and your life.

Exactly this . You have told mine and countless other women's life stories . This is awful behaviour which experience has shown me won't get better .

Please end this "relationship" . It won't be good for you and therefore , your children . Nothing wrong with you at all . These narcissists are very skilled at what they do in order to to feel ok in their pitifully weak, vulnerable ,fragile sense of self . He is a catch laced with mercury .

My first thought was gaslighting when I read your post.

I would be very annoyed. You know what happened. Don't let him tell you otherwise. Either he has convinced himself that this happened (in a big himself up sort of way) or he has someone else and is now making you out to be the big bad wolf. Out of interest, had he had a few drinks?

I would be taking a massive step back and cool things right off. What he does next will tell you all you need to know.

Sorry, it's horrible when you find out someone isn't what you thought you were.

isn't what you thought they were.

It sounds like an ego thing tbh. makes him feel good that he thinks you 'chased' him. He sounds like a bit of an arsehole.

I agree with PP’s, be very careful, OP, and consider whether you really want to continue this relationship. Right now, you’re only seeing each other 3-4 times a week-if you do want to be with him, I’d keep it like that, keep your independence and your own life.

I have a family member who rewrites history and it’s very frustrating and at times, disturbing. Put plainly, it’s lying.

I wouldn’t want to be in a serious relationship with someone like that and you’re also a lot younger than him-is this really what you want?

You're age gap of 38 and 55 is massive too. That might be fine now but not very good going forward. Think very carefully if you want to be caring for him in your 50s or 60s.

He is being rude and disrespectful. I’d break up with him. Not nice.

I expect it has been already said on this thread, but if it hasnt, I would be showing him your texts as evidence.

Cringe, what a massive cringe. He’s really flattering himself isn’t he? Plus re-writing history which l find especially grating. I’m not sure what the thinking is driving this but l would be careful. It’s a major red flag

You know he’s lying, he knows he’s lying - it’s pointless to confront him. He’s testing if he can fool and control you, is hell-bent on insulting and degrading you. So far he’s succeeding. Ditch him.

Well you have the proof OP which you can offer if he argues.
You can also remind him of the age difference and make a point of saying how lucky he is to have a younger attractive partner.
You could also suggest he has a chat with his GP as at his age this memory confusion might mean a TIA (mini stroke) or blood pressure problems or a myriad of other things and you are concerned.

Perhaps he has seen/met someone and is reliving how he remembers the past. Flattering himself with what a catch he is.
DH does this with regards to how much he was involved in bringing up the DCs. Infuriating but the DCs know.

My ex did this. We met at a work event, but it's was a very normal, uneventful meeting for me at the time. At first, he retold the story as our eyes having met across a crowded room and is having had a 'moment'. I didn't challenge that one as it felt romantic and sure, if that's what he thought, it wasn't hurting anyone. But then he added another layer - he started saying how he'd 'rescued me from being on the shelf'. I was in a relationship when we met - it was complete nonsense. I challenged that one, and he told me not to be so sensitive. He started telling me not to be so sensitive about a lot of things after that. See also; stop overreacting. Anyway, after a lot of confusion, I did my research and he was a textbook narc. Literally every box ticked. Good luck with this one - knowing the signs of narcissists helped me a LOT.

I don’t know if OP is still here or not but I just wanted to add something.

“Rewriting History” is a classic narcissist trait. I’m not sure why. They can “absolve” themselves of any untoward behaviour? Make you the bad guy. Make themselves into little victims, or big victims. Often it’s a complete reversal or reality! My mum is/was like this. You also can’t disagree with them.

reversal of reality I meant.

As somebody nearer his age than yours, I'd be hearing it more stuck and unable to escape the creepy pub guy but there you go and thinking what a fucking predatory sleaze he was, trying to make himself sound so attractive that a younger woman would set out to trap him. And the fucking fish hook thing? Piss off. He's channelling his favourite racist, misogynistic, probably convicted of domestic abuse, 'comedian' there.

You can do so, so much better than that.