DP retelling the story of our relationship as if I was the sole initiator /instigator / predator

[uhustick]

DP and I (both divorced, with DC, me 38, him 55) went on a mini break in Europe over the last few days away from DC. We have been together for 4 years.

Over dinner last night, DP raised a glass to us being together for four years this April and he said "who would have known?" I said "what do you mean?" He said "well it just felt like a fling/nothing special at the beginning, and who would've known we'd fall in love and be together now?"

I was a bit surprised as our early relationship had been very romantic, not fling-like at all. In those early months there had been lots of big talks and outlining what we both wanted - even before we had slept together, we had made it clear we were both on the same page (that we wanted a serious relationship.)

I didn't want to ruin the evening but DP kept banging on about how surprising and shocking it was that it went from "nothing" to "something." I questioned him about it, said I did not recall things in the same way, and he reminded me of a time (about 3 weeks into our relationship) where he had felt I was a bit full on and it was a bit "too much." But he said we "shouldn't dwell on it now.") I said what do you mean? He said "you were constantly in touch and I just felt it was all too much."

This was never my impression of the relationship. If anything, DP had been the initiator of everything for a long time, constantly in touch, literally narrating every fucking movement.

His version of the relationship, as he told the story back to me, was very different of my own. "Do you remember when you were in France and you missed me so much that you flew back?" Literally a lie. I did not do that - HE did that.

I have just got home and looked at the texts between us in those first three weeks where I was apparently "too full on." (I kept them.) I wasn't at all, it was mostly him.

He then went on to say that it seemed like I had "planned everything". That I was the main initiator. He then did the gesturing as if he was a fish and I had a fishing rod and I had reeled him in (gesture of finger in side of mouth) That he basically had no choice except to get "caught in my web." The whole story was told as if he was an innocent who had no choice in the matter. THis is completely untrue. He pursued me, I eventually reciprocated and then we were together. I am quite confused.

WHy is he making me feel like this? Why is he re-writing the narrative to make me seem like the instigator of everything when I wasn't?

Last night when i protested he kept saying "don't ruin things" and we were out at a nice meal, so I wasn;t going to argue over who said what when, or who was more the instigator, but now I am back and see it in front of me (I have records of all texts and emails from that time), it seems unfair and untrue and like he wants to put me on the backfoot

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

YANBU at all BUT there are always 2 sides to every story and if your version of events are the complete opposite of his then the truth probably lies somewhere in between.

I think you brought it back up at the wrong time but I’d want to speak to him about it again at an appropriate time, just so you can feel like your side has been heard. But then you need to both drop it as neither of you are going to accept the others version.

My guess is that this is the story he tells other people and he’s said it so often it’s affected how he remembers it.

So he may not be deliberately lying or gaslighting you. That said, it’s telling that this is the way he chose to present it. He comes across as a bit of a golf club bore and a dinosaur- is that fair?

@MaChienEstUnDick

Look, I'll give you my take but it isn't a very pleasant one.

A 51 year old man embarking on a relationship with a woman 20 years' younger than him has two different narratives: the one in the golf club (or wherever) where he tells his mates that he's still Mr Studley of Studley Manor, and the one for everyone else which goes 'yeah, I know inside your heart of hearts you're thinking this is creepy AF but actually, I had no control over it. She pursued me, I'm not taking advantage of her, I'm not fishing from a pool I should be well and truly age-barred from, I'm not even in control of this story because she wants me so much.'

Men need to be the hero of their story (NAMNALT) and in this one, the age difference means you have to be the pursuer which not only absolves him of any ick factor, but shores up his Mr Studley status.

Sorry. I know that's not particularly balanced or kind.

Yeah I think this is probably right

Memory is a funny thing. People can start to believe things they wanted to be true or stories they have told other people. So I don't necessarily think anything sinister is going on just from that.

However I'm not sure how healthy your relationship is...its not normal to not be able to point out a glaring mistake that paints you in a poor light because youd be accused of spoiling an evening. It's not normal to dwell on something for a whole day rather than speak about it because youd be accused of being negative.

Me and my husband both have memory blanks about where we saw a certain band. Its only a minor thing but we are both adamant we are right. If one of us said we thought we saw it in london the other would say 'oh I'm not sure that's right, I could have sworn we saw it in Manchester' and we may go back and forth a bit 'no it was London because the nearest tube station had closed' etc. And if either of us had actual proof like old tickets or email confirmation they'd just tell the other one 'oh look what I found, it was Liverpool after all' and that would be it, there wouldn't be a fear of telling the truth because no one would accuse anyone of carrying on an argument or being petty or whatever

He thinks he's a complete catch as well 🤢

So you met him when you were 34 and he was 51. You were young, young enough for anything, and frankly, could have had a man of any age from 21 up, if you chose to. He was 51, and let's be honest, that is not peak age for a man. In the dating economy, you were far more desirable than him. If anything, it was him chasing you, trying to nail you down, not the other way round! He has rewritten the courtship in his mind that a beautiful woman chased and captured him, because he feels it flatters him. The reality is that he chased you, isn't it?

This would worry me - the story telling. Either he lies to himself, lies to you or has memory problems. Whichever it is, this is very bad. He is only a boyfriend, not a husband or fiance or even a man living with you. I wouldn't let him in to your life any more than you have already.

He is a narcissistic gaslighting arse and these are all red flags. He is also closing down anything you say by saying don't be negative. Believe me I would have a good hard long think about this relationship as it seems he is rewriting the whole relationship and is very controlling. Some good advise on here and I would tell him to just sit down and show him the texts etc and make him see you are not lying. Have some time apart to think about where you go as he sounds very annoying and controlling.

I’m wondering if because he’s significantly older than you, that other people have said something to him and he’s tried to rewrite it so he doesn’t look predatory? Otherwise I agree with other posters that he’s rewriting history because there’s possibly someone else on the horizon

Something is off. He is gaslighting you for some reason.

Ease his guilt when he splits? Doesn’t feel the same way now and so has rewritten history to suit his feelings?

Is this the tale he has told a new woman?

I really do t like that he shuts you down if you question him, disagree with him or generally have an emotion that is inconvenient.

I would tell him you have taken his rewrite of your relationship as an indication of how he feels now and you don’t want to be painted as someone who has trapped an unwilling partner. Therefore it’s goodbye.

Yeah, I'd approach it as you're concerned about him. He's obviously misremembering stuff - France, how you met etc. Here's the actual texts from that time, don't you remember?

That is v weird. Especially the France thing.

Good luck 😕

Maybe he's told this story to himself /other people so many times that he believes it.
Maybe he's deliberately trying to make you feel unsettled.
Either way, he doesn't seem to have much respect for you, any self-awareness or any decency.

@pumpkinpie01

I would wait til you are home then show him the text messages from years ago and just say casually' you have got such a bad memory , have a read of these ' see what his reaction is then .

Well that’s tempting, but it couldn’t do any good. You know the truth and so does he. He wants to manipulate you and a few facts aren’t going to get in the way.

You can’t persuade someone to treat you with respect and kindness. They are either respectful and kind or they are not.
I would be very firm about wanting time out.

DP does this too. Drives me round the fucking twist.

However he was the one to phone the registry office this week. I'm fucked if I'm doing it only to be accused of forcing him down the aisle next!

Is he getting dementia?

Whether it's that he has turned the tale of your romance to make himself out an irresistible stud or so as not appear to be a 'creeper' OR that he's starting to get a wandering eye and trying to justify it by saying you 'hooked him doesn't matter. What DOES matter is that he's putting you down to big himself up (either to himself or others) and that he's stifling you when you want to discuss it. And I have a feeling that this isn't the first or the only time he's made you feel that you aren't allowed to question him or complain about things he's said or done.

If I were you I'd feel like it was time to 'take a break'. You really need time and space to think about this relationship in its entirety. Is this really the way you want to be treated for the next 20-30 years? You are still young, don't waste your time on someone who doesn't treat you with respect. There are men out there who will treat you the way you should be treated, as a person with the right to express her feelings and opinions. Don't shortchange yourself.

Odd.

Esp the France thing. The fish hook also pretty unpleasant, unless done as a genuinely silly joke.

Is it a subtle put-down of you? And bigging himself up?

Telling you you over think things, etc. is that criticism done with love or dislike?

Is he actually a nice man?

Only you know and can decide.

Either way you’re 38. Alot of options.

This is obviously quite odd and annoying but I'm surprised to see everyone saying to end the relationship and have time away etc! If you're happy with the rest of the relationship it will be hard to shake this from your head for a while but I really think this is one of those MN examples when everyone jumps on recommending a break up without thinking about the scale of the issue and consequence of the break up

My ex and I had a similar age split at a similar age to you, and I recognise this strategy of revising history well. Turned out he was a covert narcissist.

It occurs when they are starting to resent what they feel is a power imbalance in the relationship in your favour (maybe your comparative youthful appeal, maybe you have started to earn more money, maybe he's not getting laid as much as he wants – you may be able to figure out what the reason is) and yes, it's done to make you insecure and also as a test to see if he can get away with it (this is not necessarily a conscious process for narcissists, I should add).

If you accept his version of history by giving him the benefit of the doubt that he's just being forgetful, start doubting yourself or brush it off/ignore it, make no mistake, he is very likely to take this as evidence that he gets to decide the truth of the relationship and you will encounter more twisted narratives in the future. His admonishments to 'not ruin the night' will escalate into direct questions of your memory and accusations that you're crazy/distrustful/difficult to be with. This is then used to justify him behaving in selfish ways – kicking off an emotional affair, hiding money from you, ditching shared responsibilities.

The fact that he has told you a direct lie (about the flight back) should not be minimised at all. This is a major red flag.

My advice is that you to take a massive emotional step back, try to look at your relationship and his behaviour in general more objectively (perhaps from the perspective of someone who cares about you but has no obligations to him) and see if there are perhaps other issues in your relationship that do not feel quite right that you've been ignoring.

I’d be so mad about this. This is definitely a narrative he wishes to circulate, to put ‘his’ version out there as the desired one - very narcissistic. I used to have similar with my ex, where stories got retold with him as the hero where I had played a (low-level) hero role. Once I called him out on it in front of people (I had spoken up when I saw a tour guide being bullied by other tourists, but when the story was retold, it was all about how he had done the challenging, and it was like I hadn’t even been there - the use of ‘I’ not ‘we’) and he pulled me up afterwards for embarrassing him .

I would be determined to tackle this head on, and say ‘what you say happened is not correct. It is wrong to rewrite history in a way that is pejorative to me. Explain why you are doing this.’ I wouldn’t let it lie. It’s disrespectful and is done to cast you in a negative light.

@Easterisoffeggstooexpensive

That's the story he tells people..

I agree. I wonder whether it's because of the age difference that people think he's lucky to have you and so he's invented this story about how you were very demanding and insisted on having him.

I think we are all coming up with the same theory here. Time to take a step back and really look hard at this relationship.

@Maybeitstimeforachange

Even if factually incorrect this is how he remembers it, how do you feel about that?

I don't think it necessarily is. I also think this is the boys' club version - he couldn't possibly do anything as unmanly as want a relationship or be serious about a ball and chain woman.

He’s old enough to be your dad. Bin him off, the miserable old bastard! You’re young, find a man half his age to worship you. You deserve so much more!

Red flags