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Original poster

DP retelling the story of our relationship as if I was the sole initiator /instigator / predator

233 replies

uhustick · 09/04/2022 20:21

DP and I (both divorced, with DC, me 38, him 55) went on a mini break in Europe over the last few days away from DC. We have been together for 4 years.

Over dinner last night, DP raised a glass to us being together for four years this April and he said "who would have known?" I said "what do you mean?" He said "well it just felt like a fling/nothing special at the beginning, and who would've known we'd fall in love and be together now?"

I was a bit surprised as our early relationship had been very romantic, not fling-like at all. In those early months there had been lots of big talks and outlining what we both wanted - even before we had slept together, we had made it clear we were both on the same page (that we wanted a serious relationship.)

I didn't want to ruin the evening but DP kept banging on about how surprising and shocking it was that it went from "nothing" to "something." I questioned him about it, said I did not recall things in the same way, and he reminded me of a time (about 3 weeks into our relationship) where he had felt I was a bit full on and it was a bit "too much." But he said we "shouldn't dwell on it now.") I said what do you mean? He said "you were constantly in touch and I just felt it was all too much."

This was never my impression of the relationship. If anything, DP had been the initiator of everything for a long time, constantly in touch, literally narrating every fucking movement.

His version of the relationship, as he told the story back to me, was very different of my own. "Do you remember when you were in France and you missed me so much that you flew back?" Literally a lie. I did not do that - HE did that.

I have just got home and looked at the texts between us in those first three weeks where I was apparently "too full on." (I kept them.) I wasn't at all, it was mostly him.

He then went on to say that it seemed like I had "planned everything". That I was the main initiator. He then did the gesturing as if he was a fish and I had a fishing rod and I had reeled him in (gesture of finger in side of mouth) That he basically had no choice except to get "caught in my web." The whole story was told as if he was an innocent who had no choice in the matter. THis is completely untrue. He pursued me, I eventually reciprocated and then we were together. I am quite confused.

WHy is he making me feel like this? Why is he re-writing the narrative to make me seem like the instigator of everything when I wasn't?

Last night when i protested he kept saying "don't ruin things" and we were out at a nice meal, so I wasn;t going to argue over who said what when, or who was more the instigator, but now I am back and see it in front of me (I have records of all texts and emails from that time), it seems unfair and untrue and like he wants to put me on the backfoot

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

OP posts:
LoisLane66 · 09/04/2022 23:36

Yes, you are. Justice joy being together. If he wants to fantasize about how you reeled him in and he was over one with your charms...let him.
There's no fool like an old fool and he's probably loving his version of your backstory.
Let him dream. Who made the moves is if no consequence now if you love each other. Look forward not back. Enjoy. 😁

LoisLane66 · 09/04/2022 23:37
  • Sorry. Should read 'just enjoy'
LoisLane66 · 09/04/2022 23:39

Errors = past my bedtime.
overcome. 😳

Clymene · 09/04/2022 23:42

@LoisLane66

Yes, you are. Justice joy being together. If he wants to fantasize about how you reeled him in and he was over one with your charms...let him. There's no fool like an old fool and he's probably loving his version of your backstory. Let him dream. Who made the moves is if no consequence now if you love each other. Look forward not back. Enjoy. 😁
Get back to your Mills and Boon
CockSpadget · 09/04/2022 23:43

No way should you let him suppress your right to air your concerns/opinions! That is classic controlling behaviour.
You definitely need to show him those texts and emails, and ask him why he is trying to rewrite history.
Aaaghhh this would wind me off the clock, I hate being told lies when I absolutely know the truth!

froufroufrou · 09/04/2022 23:45

I’d flip off this old codger as he seems like a narcissistic gaslighter.
With that age gap he should have been down on one knee within a year and yet here you are 4 years later…
Get yourself a nice 30s/early 40s man, you don’t want to be a carer in a decade when you’re barely 50.

Mumof3confused · 09/04/2022 23:47

His behaviour is really awful. He has probably been slowly normalising this sort of gaslighting and controlling behaviour so you don’t see it, but we do. He sounds really awful, the finger in the mouth story alone is quite horrifying. And now you’re not allowed to be upset because you’d be ruining a nice evening/ ungrateful for the treat/overreacting/being neurotic or whatever. This will only get worse. I’m not one to say LTB easily but please don’t waste your best years on this man.

TipTopT · 09/04/2022 23:48

Telling you that you misunderstand something you understand perfectly well. Made me think - does he have any odd attitudes to women, especially sexually? Does he respect your intelligence? It’s just that it reminded me of something (from my own past). I could be way-off here of course.

WinterSunglasses · 09/04/2022 23:48

@stuntbubbles

Even if he does remember it as like this (he doesn’t; he’s lying), why would he go out of his way to be hurtful when ostensibly toasting your four years together? “Here’s to us, remember when I wasn’t into you?” isn’t a nice thing to say or think. Especially when adding the fishing gesture, AND on top of that the extra gaslighty instruction for you not to ruin the evening: you didn’t and couldn’t, he ruined it with the initial comment. The whole thing is designed to undermine you – but why?

What are things like usually?

Exactly this. The whole conversation was designed to unsettle you. Teamed with this:

He doesn't like it when I complain about anything or get annoyed at something he has said. His belief is that I "overthink" or I "always see the negative." Not surprised I always see the negative if he is constantly gaslighting me

Why would he ramp up this behaviour now? Has anything changed lately? Have you or he raised the idea of moving in together or any other life change? It comes across as him manoeuvring to get you to feel more - insecure? Like the clingy girlfriend?

I don't see this at all positively. If you're not ready to break up, though, I would do two things in the meantime

A) pay close attention to his behaviour towards you, and do some reading on abusive relationships to see if it rings any bells.
B) distance yourself. Get busy. Don't stay over as much. Do things with other people. If he comments negatively on this, say in a breezy manner that you're both busy independent people and it's nice that you can do that and not be clingy. See how he reacts.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/04/2022 23:59

@LoisLane66

Let him dream. Who made the moves is if no consequence now if you love each other.

I think that rewriting history to the extent you're gaslighting / lying to your partner is of consequence actually. It's troubling OP. Women don't have to fake not being troubled just to appease a man or reinforce his ego. Why doesn't OP's memory or sense of security that her partner is honest mean as much as his ego / dream aka lie?

DragonOverTheMoon · 10/04/2022 00:02

My ex proposed to me, booked both our notices, sorted loads of wedding things out, booked us a lovely place for our wedding night, sorted out cars, basically did the majority of the wedding planning. He rewrote history a few months after marriage to me pressuring him to get married. First he said I forced him, then tricked him and now maintains I pressured him. He did all the fucking pursuing. Idiot. He makes out, like yours like he's the prize Hmm

Fireflygal · 10/04/2022 00:04

@WonderfulYou, he lied. The op knows this.

Op, Confusion is a relationship is a very bad sign. He has chosen this narrative to make you feel insecure and to paint himself in a positive light. If he is a convert narcissist he may already be smearing you to his friends "we were having a lovely time away, I took her to restaurant to celebrate our 4 years and all of a sudden she got weird & moody"

You know HE lied about France. Hang on to that, don't doubt your reality. You are unlikely to get anywhere by challenging him but I think it's important that he knows you know.

Maybe this incident doesn't end the relationship but I think you are on the decline to the end. Once you see gaslighting and lying in your partner it's hard to unsee.

Btw, he was odd to chase a much younger woman so you can do much better.

LoisLane66 · 10/04/2022 00:07

@Clymene
I only read factual books.
4 years as a very short time to give a marriage and I don't think his version of their earlier years warrants a split or an argument. There are a lot of pot stirrers ready to give men the boot or encourage women to leave relationships instead of working on them. This guy was over 50 when they met and probably set in his ways. She must have known his personality well enough to have stayed in the relationship for 4 years. My view is that you never truly know everything about a partner. It's a journey which has many obstacles.

LoisLane66 · 10/04/2022 00:09

*Relationship not marriage.

Geppili · 10/04/2022 00:13

He was gaslighting you. Just the two of you without the children. He was passive aggressive and deeply hurtful. I think he resents you in some way and that he is used to deceiving himself and others. How is he with your DC? What about him makes you feel good? What was your parents' relationship like? He sounds sneaky and devious.

frazzledasarock · 10/04/2022 00:23

[quote LoisLane66]@Clymene
I only read factual books.
4 years as a very short time to give a marriage and I don't think his version of their earlier years warrants a split or an argument. There are a lot of pot stirrers ready to give men the boot or encourage women to leave relationships instead of working on them. This guy was over 50 when they met and probably set in his ways. She must have known his personality well enough to have stayed in the relationship for 4 years. My view is that you never truly know everything about a partner. It's a journey which has many obstacles.[/quote]
You can stay with liar while makes you question your sanity if that’s what floats your boat.

OP I’d walk away. Pubs spent four years not being allowed to express any discomfort. He shuts down any dissenting conversation from you by claiming you’re ruining the moment/atmosphere and he’s a bare faced liar.

You don’t need this old man to drag you down.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 10/04/2022 00:28

Sounds like he is feeling insecure about himself and bugging himself up- maybe it is the age difference or he is being smug. I wouldn’t say he is cheating at all- but he’s behaving weird was he drinking? Maybe he was trying to wind you up. I’d call him a cheeky sod and set the facts straight and he will probably realise

SandyY2K · 10/04/2022 00:28

Tell him it's really showing that's he's Xx years older than you, as his memory isn't so good, but you understand that happens with age.

Downunderduchess · 10/04/2022 00:36

He sounds like a bit of a prick, at least in this scenario. Bizarre that he felt he needed to bring it up & bang on about it. Even worse if it’s not even an accurate account of what happened. I just don’t understand why he would do that.

chisanunian · 10/04/2022 00:46

@uhustick

Usually things are fine. We are both busy with work so do not see each other as much as we would like. Maybe 3-4 times a week we stay over at each other's houses.

He doesn't like it when I complain about anything or get annoyed at something he has said. His belief is that I "overthink" or I "always see the negative." Not surprised I always see the negative if he is constantly gaslighting me

They aren't entirely fine, are they?

He doesn't like it if you complain, or pull him up on something he's said. He believes you are seeing the negative. Well... you are. They are the negatives in his behaviour, but of course he can't have that, can he? No, so he tells you you're overthinking, or ruining things. Basically, turning it over on its head and making it your fault.

adriftabroad · 10/04/2022 00:48

@CheekyHobson

My ex and I had a similar age split at a similar age to you, and I recognise this strategy of revising history well. Turned out he was a covert narcissist.

It occurs when they are starting to resent what they feel is a power imbalance in the relationship in your favour (maybe your comparative youthful appeal, maybe you have started to earn more money, maybe he's not getting laid as much as he wants – you may be able to figure out what the reason is) and yes, it's done to make you insecure and also as a test to see if he can get away with it (this is not necessarily a conscious process for narcissists, I should add).

If you accept his version of history by giving him the benefit of the doubt that he's just being forgetful, start doubting yourself or brush it off/ignore it, make no mistake, he is very likely to take this as evidence that he gets to decide the truth of the relationship and you will encounter more twisted narratives in the future. His admonishments to 'not ruin the night' will escalate into direct questions of your memory and accusations that you're crazy/distrustful/difficult to be with. This is then used to justify him behaving in selfish ways – kicking off an emotional affair, hiding money from you, ditching shared responsibilities.

The fact that he has told you a direct lie (about the flight back) should not be minimised at all. This is a major red flag.

My advice is that you to take a massive emotional step back, try to look at your relationship and his behaviour in general more objectively (perhaps from the perspective of someone who cares about you but has no obligations to him) and see if there are perhaps other issues in your relationship that do not feel quite right that you've been ignoring.

All of this 100%.

Me and H 18 years difference.

He'll say it about any DC's you have with them (in front of them) too.
That's the point I left.
Seriously, leave now.

Regularsizedrudy · 10/04/2022 01:14

He’s a gross old man and needs to create a narrative where this isn’t the reality.

TealSapphire · 10/04/2022 01:15

@Fireflygal is spot on.

I lived with ex's narrative for 24 years, and after my eyes were opened it was the beginning of the end. He soon lost interest when he couldn't hoodwink me any more.

Onthedunes · 10/04/2022 02:21

@MaChienEstUnDick

I agree with your post.

I suppose it also depends on his relationship status when you met.
He does seem to be portraying he is victim to his audience, he's not a gentleman is he.

This would annoy the shit out of me, how dare he.
Tell him you could also leave the relationship with as much vigor as you obviously displayed when you first met, if he keeps with the verbal diarrhrea.

coodawoodashooda · 10/04/2022 02:33

[quote Fireflygal]@WonderfulYou, he lied. The op knows this.

Op, Confusion is a relationship is a very bad sign. He has chosen this narrative to make you feel insecure and to paint himself in a positive light. If he is a convert narcissist he may already be smearing you to his friends "we were having a lovely time away, I took her to restaurant to celebrate our 4 years and all of a sudden she got weird & moody"

You know HE lied about France. Hang on to that, don't doubt your reality. You are unlikely to get anywhere by challenging him but I think it's important that he knows you know.

Maybe this incident doesn't end the relationship but I think you are on the decline to the end. Once you see gaslighting and lying in your partner it's hard to unsee.

Btw, he was odd to chase a much younger woman so you can do much better.[/quote]
Bingo!