DP retelling the story of our relationship as if I was the sole initiator /instigator / predator

[uhustick]

DP and I (both divorced, with DC, me 38, him 55) went on a mini break in Europe over the last few days away from DC. We have been together for 4 years.

Over dinner last night, DP raised a glass to us being together for four years this April and he said "who would have known?" I said "what do you mean?" He said "well it just felt like a fling/nothing special at the beginning, and who would've known we'd fall in love and be together now?"

I was a bit surprised as our early relationship had been very romantic, not fling-like at all. In those early months there had been lots of big talks and outlining what we both wanted - even before we had slept together, we had made it clear we were both on the same page (that we wanted a serious relationship.)

I didn't want to ruin the evening but DP kept banging on about how surprising and shocking it was that it went from "nothing" to "something." I questioned him about it, said I did not recall things in the same way, and he reminded me of a time (about 3 weeks into our relationship) where he had felt I was a bit full on and it was a bit "too much." But he said we "shouldn't dwell on it now.") I said what do you mean? He said "you were constantly in touch and I just felt it was all too much."

This was never my impression of the relationship. If anything, DP had been the initiator of everything for a long time, constantly in touch, literally narrating every fucking movement.

His version of the relationship, as he told the story back to me, was very different of my own. "Do you remember when you were in France and you missed me so much that you flew back?" Literally a lie. I did not do that - HE did that.

I have just got home and looked at the texts between us in those first three weeks where I was apparently "too full on." (I kept them.) I wasn't at all, it was mostly him.

He then went on to say that it seemed like I had "planned everything". That I was the main initiator. He then did the gesturing as if he was a fish and I had a fishing rod and I had reeled him in (gesture of finger in side of mouth) That he basically had no choice except to get "caught in my web." The whole story was told as if he was an innocent who had no choice in the matter. THis is completely untrue. He pursued me, I eventually reciprocated and then we were together. I am quite confused.

WHy is he making me feel like this? Why is he re-writing the narrative to make me seem like the instigator of everything when I wasn't?

Last night when i protested he kept saying "don't ruin things" and we were out at a nice meal, so I wasn;t going to argue over who said what when, or who was more the instigator, but now I am back and see it in front of me (I have records of all texts and emails from that time), it seems unfair and untrue and like he wants to put me on the backfoot

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

@Midlifemusings

I don't think this means he is cheating. More that his perception of events is skewed. Was there alcohol involved?

I agree with the above poster that he has recreated a version of events and told this story and it has become his truth. Maybe because he is almost 20 years your senior - he didn't want to seem predatory so he has twisted it in his mind to you pursuing him?

I would speak to him about it. It is one thing to have a slightly different version and viewpoints of events - that is very common where both people think they did x or y more or less but to take it to the extreme where he flew from France but is saying you did and other actual lies - I would call him out on those.

My thoughts exactly.

Have you questioned him on the France thing? That's the lie that will be easiest to prove.

@MaChienEstUnDick

Look, I'll give you my take but it isn't a very pleasant one.

A 51 year old man embarking on a relationship with a woman 20 years' younger than him has two different narratives: the one in the golf club (or wherever) where he tells his mates that he's still Mr Studley of Studley Manor, and the one for everyone else which goes 'yeah, I know inside your heart of hearts you're thinking this is creepy AF but actually, I had no control over it. She pursued me, I'm not taking advantage of her, I'm not fishing from a pool I should be well and truly age-barred from, I'm not even in control of this story because she wants me so much.'

Men need to be the hero of their story (NAMNALT) and in this one, the age difference means you have to be the pursuer which not only absolves him of any ick factor, but shores up his Mr Studley status.

Sorry. I know that's not particularly balanced or kind.

This.

@Easterisoffeggstooexpensive

That's the story he tells people..

I suspect he’s bragged about it like this so many times he believes his own version to be the truth

He sounds really conceited and dishonest. Honestly you're so much younger, I would end it for that reason anyway unless he's absolutely someone you can't live without (you can).

@uhustick someone did this to me once-slightly different as I was in the sixth form with a new boyfriend who was a narcissist. At a football match, the dad of a friend came over and told new partner about when I'd been on the French exchange and had chased and chased his sons French exchangee when nothing could be further from the truth-it was always a joke in our group that this guy was mooning over me and I wasn't interested. Obviously because the dad was an adult, my new boyfriend didn't believe me and the more I protested, the more it looked like I was covering things up. How can someone remember things so differently?

As PPs - wait a week or so and then sit down to talk to him about it. Bring the proof of the texts etc. say you are a little bit worried about what appears to be a significant lapse in memory? His reaction will inform you as to what his motivation was.

My ex did something very similar to this. It happened because something had rattled his cage earlier that day which had made him feel inferior and insecure. He felt he needed to be in control of events so gaslighted me trying to make out that he was the innocent victim in our relationship and wouldn’t be in it had I not pursued (which I most definitely did not!).

Like you I saw it for the bollocks it was so challenged him. His response was that I ‘couldn’t take a joke’ and was ‘way too serious’ totally minimising the situation so it was my fault (again).

Red flag. Not saying you have to ditch the relationship right now but watch out for a pattern. His insecurity isn’t yours. Keep your reality and don’t let him destabilise you.

I’d be upset by this OP and I am very pragmatic. If I were you I’d withdraw for a bit and make sure I kept a good network of friends and family around me.

It's a bit of a character assassination really. You are right to be uncomfortable with it.

Ug what a twat. Regardless of whether he is a partner, a mate, a friend, these types are TWATS. I have a mother like this, but sadly I can’t dump her. Get rid now. No good comes of these manipulative twats. Keep your sanity 💐

I know it must feel like you have invested a lot of time in him and it would be wasteful to walk away, but it’s the total opposite, you would only be wasting more time if you stayed.

I would take one chance to have it out and say ‘that is not how I remember it, and I was there too’ he is not allowed rewrite things about you. Good luck.

You are 38. Time to call it a day on this man. You can do better

Red flags aplenty. Doesn't mean there's another woman imo. It just means he's an arsehole and he's trying to put you in your 'right place' as accessory to his ego and self-image.

I wonder if he's starting to feel his age, noticing the age gap, feeling a bit insecure so wants to remind you what a catch he is?

Tbh you are only 38 so I would imagine he thinks if he rewrites the narrative he might increase the chance that you stay with him as he ages. He sounds like an arse. Unless I had an extraordinary connection the age gap would be unattractive as he approaches 60. I really would get out now.

There is a big age gap .He sounds like he is maybe worried about your future as he hits his mid 50s. If you can show him the texts and see what he does.He may have another woman of course ,but it sounds like hes rather insecure to me

Definitely be cautious OP. My ex started to do things like this, completely change our history.It turned out he was having an affair and I think he was doing the changing to try and convince himself in his own mind that our relationship was bad and I was the bad guy to make him feel better about having the affair.

YANBU at all BUT there are always 2 sides to every story and if your version of events are the complete opposite of his then the truth probably lies somewhere in between.

Nonsense. Sometimes the two sides to the story are the truth, and a lie. One of you was on a plane back from France, and it’s easy enough to check who it was.

But he may be telling the truth in one sense: he may have revealed how he really felt about you at the start of the relationship, regardless of what he said at the time.

Narcissist. Plain and simple. Wave goodbye 👋🏻

Massive red flag there. People with flexible memories find it easier to excuse their own bad behaviours, gas light, shift responsibility and see themselves as “victims” (and act on serious issues as if they were!)

I would also find it quite a turn off for a man who put so much effort in the relationship talking as if he was chased and caught against his will.
If you try to rectify what he is saying, he says “do not ruin the evening”? Nice thing to say when he is obviously ruining it for you.

Do not let him shut you down on this one OP. Keep the momentum until he admits he lied, you understand why he lied, then make a judgement to dump or invest more of your future with him. Personally, I'd dump.

It looks like the beginning of revealing his true self. He is very carefully managing the narrative of your past. He has manipulated it to favour himself and that is a worry.

The direct lie (about your flight back) is also a huge red flag. I am so pleased you do not yet live together.

The fact your conversations and already your thoughts (at this stage just shutting you down) are being managed is the biggest red flag. Why does he get to decide what you talk about and when.

He has this vision in his head of how the night was supposed to go. You are not allowed to alter that. The monologue about how you captured him with your femme fatale ways (massively controlling but also very insulting to you) you were not allowed to interrupt or change his story.

I don't think he has anyone else. I think this is about him carefully sculpting you into the muse he wants. I don't think he sees you as an equal OP. It's like you are an accessory to his life. I'm guessing he talks an awful lot about himself.

What is he like when you are doing the boring stuff? Do you have happy relaxed times together?

As others have said, please ditch this person before he destroys you. One of my close relatives has a personality disorder and is abusive and controlling. No-one is allowed an opinion, especially women - this is simply an example of them being negative. Generations have been destroyed by this bully. Your last post could have been written about him.

Isn't part of the point of an older man that he's more worldly and takes the lead? What's the point of a man who's old enough to be your dad if he's also going to pretend he's your helpless prey?

And even if it were true, what kind of human contraceptive voices it, turns it into a thing and ruins all sense of sexiness?

I think MaChienEstUnDick had it...

Hi OP. I wonder if maybe he's insecure about the age difference... you're a lot younger and could no doubt find yourself a younger man if you wanted. So he's re-writing history to point out what a catch he is and how much you wanted him.

That was my first thought. My bf is 18 years old than me - similar ages actually - and I know he sometimes feels threatened by men closer to my age. He doesn't go to the extremes of gaslighting me, but I can tell he has his insecurities.