DP retelling the story of our relationship as if I was the sole initiator /instigator / predator

[uhustick]

DP and I (both divorced, with DC, me 38, him 55) went on a mini break in Europe over the last few days away from DC. We have been together for 4 years.

Over dinner last night, DP raised a glass to us being together for four years this April and he said "who would have known?" I said "what do you mean?" He said "well it just felt like a fling/nothing special at the beginning, and who would've known we'd fall in love and be together now?"

I was a bit surprised as our early relationship had been very romantic, not fling-like at all. In those early months there had been lots of big talks and outlining what we both wanted - even before we had slept together, we had made it clear we were both on the same page (that we wanted a serious relationship.)

I didn't want to ruin the evening but DP kept banging on about how surprising and shocking it was that it went from "nothing" to "something." I questioned him about it, said I did not recall things in the same way, and he reminded me of a time (about 3 weeks into our relationship) where he had felt I was a bit full on and it was a bit "too much." But he said we "shouldn't dwell on it now.") I said what do you mean? He said "you were constantly in touch and I just felt it was all too much."

This was never my impression of the relationship. If anything, DP had been the initiator of everything for a long time, constantly in touch, literally narrating every fucking movement.

His version of the relationship, as he told the story back to me, was very different of my own. "Do you remember when you were in France and you missed me so much that you flew back?" Literally a lie. I did not do that - HE did that.

I have just got home and looked at the texts between us in those first three weeks where I was apparently "too full on." (I kept them.) I wasn't at all, it was mostly him.

He then went on to say that it seemed like I had "planned everything". That I was the main initiator. He then did the gesturing as if he was a fish and I had a fishing rod and I had reeled him in (gesture of finger in side of mouth) That he basically had no choice except to get "caught in my web." The whole story was told as if he was an innocent who had no choice in the matter. THis is completely untrue. He pursued me, I eventually reciprocated and then we were together. I am quite confused.

WHy is he making me feel like this? Why is he re-writing the narrative to make me seem like the instigator of everything when I wasn't?

Last night when i protested he kept saying "don't ruin things" and we were out at a nice meal, so I wasn;t going to argue over who said what when, or who was more the instigator, but now I am back and see it in front of me (I have records of all texts and emails from that time), it seems unfair and untrue and like he wants to put me on the backfoot

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

This awful old man is nagging you.

The hills are that way my dear and you are in the prime of your life. Dont waste a minute more on this ridiculous specimen.

Negging, not nagging.

Seriously OP you can do so much better. He is an arse.

I agree with the other posts about re writing history. How annoying for you op

If you’re usually okay, and he isn’t doing this in an aggressive or defensive way I wouldn’t worry too much honestly. People seem to have jumped to some pretty extreme explanations here! But if anyone asked my husband I’m sure he’d jokingly think the same things or have no idea of the narrative of us meeting. It sounds like a pretty flippant comment about being surprised - my husband would be surprised too, I doubt he saw us seven years down the line! Probably couldn’t even imagine beyond the bar. Try not to worry too much or assume he’s having an affair, it sounds reasonable normal to em.

[quote LoisLane66]@Clymene
I only read factual books.
4 years as a very short time to give a marriage and I don't think his version of their earlier years warrants a split or an argument. There are a lot of pot stirrers ready to give men the boot or encourage women to leave relationships instead of working on them. This guy was over 50 when they met and probably set in his ways. She must have known his personality well enough to have stayed in the relationship for 4 years. My view is that you never truly know everything about a partner. It's a journey which has many obstacles.[/quote]
Oh please.

You don't have to give a relationship 5 minutes if you see red flags or for any other reason. You do indeed sound a bit Mills and Boon because in a mature relationship you don't come across "obstacles" and then ignore them, which seems to be your suggestion. You talk about them and try to resolve them. The op's partner won't allow that to happen, so what is she to do? Your approach sounds very immature.

@uhustick, I'm going to tell you a little story about my first husband who was 22 years older than me.

This is exactly the kind of nonsensical bollockry that he liked. He felt a need to control the narrative of our relationship because he was a very insecure man. So if he told himself and others that I was the driver, when it all inevitably went tits-up, the narrative holds. 'She did this to me, I was an innocent victim of a she-devil'

Of course it's not true. I married him in my mid-20s because he seemed a bit dangerous and edgy with his 'worldly cynicism' and I was bored with boys my own age.

Once I wised up and grew up and realised he was just a bit of a loser that I could easily leave and he was using me to prop up his failures, the scales, how they fell from my eyes.

Thankfully, the thing that made me leave and not go back was when I realised I wanted children, he went to consult about a vasectomy reversal and I thought, 'I want children, but I do not want that man to be their father'.

So I fucked off and met a decent man my own age to mix genetic material with.

It sounds as if he would want to gaslight you by pretending his comments were positive, but obviously, they were not.

@Blackbird2020

Urgh, this is going to get worse OP. This is your massive red flapping flag slapping you round face. He will minimise your concerns and life will move on, until the next disturbing/creepy/disrespectful situation, which you also won’t be able to bring up for fear of being labelled ‘negative’, or some other random gaslighty fiction to make you shut up.

At 38 I’d be wanting to make sure my 55 year old partner was damn well near perfect, as when I’m 58 I’ll likely be bordering on being his carer…. #worthit 😆

This....

All you've said here.... Id be re considering the relationship!

I don't like this. It's the belittling of the early days knowing it would have felt special to you, trying, for whatever reason, to wrong foot you a bit and make you feel insecure or foolish or desperate. And then refuse to discuss it and again, make you feel insecure about 'overreacting'. I think the key point is that he wants to control the narrative and ongoing conversations/emotional engagement.

What I might do is laser focus on the absolutely unambiguous. So the flight back from france that you know to have been him. I would say to him, 'Steve, I was just a bit confused as to why you mentioned I had flown home early from france. It was definitely you, look, here's the ticket/ a text. Seems a big thing to forget. No, I'm absolutely not starting a row, I just wanted to check why you thought that'.

I had something similar in a recent short relationship- the guy suddenly started saying I had been 'all over him' and "looking at him like a piece of meat' on out first date and that he had not gone to hold my hand (as he had) but had put his next to mine to see if I would take it as a 'mind game'. He then said that he didn't know if he wanted a second date. A) he came to sit next to me and kissed me, I didn't touch him, b) I certainly did not look at anyone like a piece of meat and c) he said on the date he couldn't wait to see me again and texted on the way home to confirm this. So was either lying about that or revising history.

None of this is important as I ended things after a series of put downs but it was definitely designed to make me feel a certain way and less secure. Not to default to this type of thinking but I think he was the one feeling insecure. I am not being a dick but think a lot would see me as more attractive than him and more accomplished. I think one explanation is your partner trying to not so subtly clip your wings. Has he ever worried about your age gap?

I would be treating any 55 year old who said I had taken a flight that in fact they had taken as if they were showing signs of early dementia. Part of that treatment, if said 55 year old was simply a non-cohabiting boyfriend who acted the cunt on holiday, would be me getting out of the relationship as I’d have no interest in caring for him at any point. Negative but true 🤷🏻‍♀️

Uhustick, this is appalling. He goaded you with a lie and mocked you with a contemptuous gesture. When you questioned him, he bullied you to hold your tongue. I’m not surprised about his manipulation to train you to never complain or disagree with him.

He has an agenda to unsettle and put distance between you. Whatever his narcissistic game is, I wouldn’t subject myself to more of his contempt.

So he tells a story where you were obsessed with him, because he is such a prize you simply couldn't not have him. He saw you as unimportant and just a fling and rather him liking then loving you, you basically wore him down.

No one misremembered who flew home from France early.

Yeah I wouldn't be happy with this at all. I actually had an ex that tried this shit on me. Made me feel like the trope of a psycho woman who would stop at nothing to have my prize. It made me feel like he hadn't chosen to be with me. That he felt forced. He actually pursued me quite heavily. At first I wasn't sure about us. I think he wanted to believe that he was so amazing, so wonderful that he had bestowed and honour on me by being with me.

I ended it with him. Who wants to be with someone who thinks they didn't choose to be in the relationship, that thinks they are the prize and their partner is punching, that has no grip on reality and also thinks they can convince their partner that this false reality is true.

Not someone I would want to be in a relationship with

Yeah I would bring it up the next time and say look I am really worried about your memory . Look here are the texts you might need to go get checked out

I would end this relationship. It's not just what he said but how he is making you feel. It sounds like he minimises your issues a lot OP. I suspect he is like this a lot but on the W/E away he was so overt you have seen it for what it was.

I was suddenly able to see this with my ex. He overstepped basically. After that I was quietly on to him but he knew the balance had changed and he tried to shut me down in every possible way. I left.

You are right to feel off balanced by this behaviour. It's actually quite dangerous.

This false viewpoint of how things began between you isn't healthy. I'd find it hard to move on from this.

@uhustick

Usually things are fine. We are both busy with work so do not see each other as much as we would like. Maybe 3-4 times a week we stay over at each other's houses.

He doesn't like it when I complain about anything or get annoyed at something he has said. His belief is that I "overthink" or I "always see the negative." Not surprised I always see the negative if he is constantly gaslighting me

This is a really negative dynamic and he sounds dreaful. I think you should take a long hard think about this relationship - he is gaslighting you and putting you down.

He’s gaslighting you by telling you not to ruin a pleasant evening when his comments were anything but simply unpleasant.

I can’t help but feel that he may be more insecure about his age than he might be letting on. I mean he’s only 5 years away from turning 60 and there’s nothing wrong with that in itself. But your age difference where you clearly are the significantly younger person in the relationship and this just feels like negging to me.

And even if there isn’t anyone else in the background, it just could be a way to keep you in your place. As though his toast is some kind of backhanded compliment that your relentless pursuit led to this relationship. As though he’s the catch and you just “reeled” him in. As though he is somehow therefore more significant because it was you who was the one who was more interested in him.

Do you really want to be in a relationship where you cannot voice your concerns? Where you cannot even stand up for yourself because somehow you’ll “ruin” things by being “too negative”? Do you want to waste the rest of your 30s after already spending 4 years with this person?

Even if he’s found someone else and is now re-writing history, would you have wanted to continue in a long term relationship with him?

He's just told you what he did at the beginning of the relationship. How he got his "catch".

Sorry, it's awful, but this is what narcissists do. And it's helpful because it tells you they're up to/have been up to. Everything they accuse you of doing, they've done or are doing.

And it is part of a gaslighting technique. Leaves you feeling really confused. He's only going to attack your character if you show him the messages and make you feel shit about yourself.

Have a listen to Dr Ramani on YouTube. I'm going to bet you recognise quite a lot of what she's got to say on her channel.

This is a man who will destroy your sense of reality if you remain with him. If you want to end it and he doesn't (because then you're controlling the narrative which is something you're only allowed to do when it suits his made up narrative) you'll be faced with a barrage of insults and manipulation leaving you feeling confused. But that's far better than staying with someone like this. He's a direct threat to your mental well-being.

Quite apart from anything else, he sounds a bit dim. And any man who views himself as a helpless, passive prey in his relationship is pretty unattractive.

Is he generally a bit boorish?

Wow… a man who tells you what HE doesn’t like YOU doing when you are trying to tel him what you don’t like HIM doing? See:- Narcissist. Get out while you can.

The fact that you are relieved to prove yourself right is very telling and to be is evidence that this isn't a one off from him. He has established a dynamic which is making you doubt yourself - classic gaslighting.

This might have been a wonderful romance once but the honeymoon is over and you are starting to see the real man and he sounds very unpleasant. Cut your losses.

Always speak up Uhustick. If he can’t handle listening to the truth than he can’t handle you.
And you deserve someone who can.

*then

Something else to consider: could he be ill? Either mentally or physically? It's such a sudden and strange behaviour.

How horrible of him: it’s such a belittling thing to do. He’s basically making himself out to be some sort of prize and you out to be some icky cliché. It’s very undermining and unkind (at best).

If you feel unable to talk to him about how he made you feel then you must re-examine the relationship. This shouldn’t be a hard conversation to initiate, so if you can’t discuss it ask yourself why. To avoid conflict/further belittling? That’s concerning.

Good luck op. Well done for knowing what’s true and what isn’t and don’t let him try and destabilise your truth. X