Sex on holiday

[44PumpLane]

Sorry I appreciate the word sex is in the title, but this is more of a relationship query rather than a black and white sex query.

We are going on a family holiday, and my husband does not want to stay in a holiday inn style room( you know the type, two double beds in one room and a bathroom, and that's it).

The reason for this is that he wants to have sex on holiday, and it upsets him that I'm not bothered about this. To him its not a holiday if he can't relax and have a bit of intimacy with his wife.

The type of holiday that we are going on means that to get an apartment or villa with multiple rooms, we will either be further away and have to hire a car (though overall this will cost less money for more space), or spend literal thousands of pounds more if we want an apartment on site (Disney).

We don't have the best sex life as it is, and that's totally my fault, so to me I feel like i'd rather we be staying on site. I think the kids will prefer it and the transportation is included and therefore easier.

So what I'm really asking is, should I just suck it up and get the multiple room property so that we can have sex?

It's hard as I do think my husband puts up with a lot as my drive has completely nose dived and his hasn't, and he mostly just sucks it us while clearly being quite miserable about this particular aspect of our relationship. So maybe the fact that it's a holiday means we should make the effort, and the kids will have a good time either way really won't they.

And having a kitchen is probably a better idea too? Ugh!

Sorry...any opinions?

@stormswiftlysweetafton

I'd rather save the money, but if he's taking it personally, that needs to be addressed. I'd want to do what felt best for this particular holiday, which is focused on the children and family time. If that saves money, all the better. The money you save could go toward something special for just the two of you, whether that's something new for the bedroom (luxurious bedding?), a weekend or a night in a local hotel, or some romantic meals out.

I'd approach it this way: You'll be too exhausted on this trip to feel much in the mood, but the money saved will be set aside for a time in the near future when you can relax and enjoy one another more fully.

@stormswiftlysweetafton Even with saving some money like that though, most families these days still wouldn’t have enough money for a separate adult only trip later in the year. So the Disney land holiday really cannot be fully child focused otherwise the adults literally wouldn’t get any holiday time

@Libertaire

Sex is the glue which holds relationships together. If I went on holiday with my partner, and they were not interested in having sex at all, I would be asking myself serious questions about the health and future of the relationship.

I think most peoples marriages are a bit deeper.

@Nocutenamesleft But they are in their 70s! The OP and he husband are 30-40 years younger. Of course you can have a happy marriage without sex if that's what you both want, but her husband really really doesn't want that. I really think that marriages should be cherished and there shouldn't be one person making more decisions about things like a sex life.

Nocutenamesleft, your friends are in their 70s. OP is young enough to have 5 year old children. I hardly think you are making a reasonable comparison.
And her DH is not content with the situation.

OP, it sounds like you experience "Responsive desire", which means that you may not feel much / any urge for sex spontaneously, don't feel like ripping your bloke's pants off, but once you find yourself in a sexy situation and he has initiated things, then you enjoy it, get into it, and feel desire in response to the situation. It's very common for women, especially as life goes on, after children etc. Here's Dr Chelsea Page on responsive desire, & a quick search will throw up other articles.

Re Mirena, I'm a health researcher and have not found any good evidence that Mirena is associated with decreased libido, although I think there is evidence of this for the Pill. In rare cases an individual woman can experience all kinds of side effects from any contraception, of course, and there probably are women for whom this has occurred but given the very low hormone doses involved it's likely to be rare. There are other, far more likely, causes - just age, life stage, busyness and familiarity, for starters.

It sounds like you have a good marriage and a lovely DH. This is one of the most precious achievements in life and I envy those who have it. Please treasure it and nurture intimacy in all its forms to keep your relationship strong. It sounds like a little would go a long way here.

I have to say I disagree with this. My friend is in the happiest marriage I know. They are two peas in a pod and when one had a stroke. They had to call an ambulance for the other as they panicked so much they collapsed. It’s a beautiful relationship. But now in their 70’s. Sex is the last thing on their minds and they very rarely have sex. So I must have to say I disagree with sex being a marker for how happy you are.

Is this for real? Maybe the reason they’re so happy now is because they were at it like rabbits when they were young.

Even when we went to Disney pre-kids we barely had sex.

It's exhausting.

I'm all up for lots of holiday sex - but it totally depends on what the holiday is!

For Disney - especially Florida being on site is so beneficial.

It's worth a couple of weeks without sex for us.

@Snowdropsarelovely

Honestly, after having been to Disney a few times I think you'll find that you're so exhausted by the evening that sex will be the last thing on your mind!!

Lol totally agree!! 😜Make this a kids trip and then book a weekend away just you two then everyone is happy xxx

I’m with your husband.

@Babdoc

I’m more concerned about why you have lost your libido, than the accommodation arrangements, OP. Is it exhaustion - is your DH not doing a fair share of childcare and chores - or does he not spend time wooing you - is he crap in bed - do you no longer fancy him? If this is not addressed, your marriage may fail, as sex is usually a good marker of how happy the relationship is. Couples who love each other and work well as a team are usually very keen to get their hands on each other on holiday. It’s rather sad that you aren’t. I’m not for a minute suggesting that you should grit your teeth and have sex you don’t want, I’m just saying that perhaps you should look at what’s causing the problem, with a view to fixing it if possible.

I agree. If you are tired out with work, kids and housework while your husband skips out with his mates or does his hobbies no wonder your libido has gone! Does he need to step up and be less selfish?? 😘

We don't have sex on holiday anymore on a fortnight break we did it once when she went to kids club . Which she didn't like 🤣. I thought a lot of parents did this ? It's perfectly possible to have a shag after you get home.

I would be totally with you OP.

@WorkHardPlayHard1 OP specifically said up thread that her DH does pull his weight around the house and that she feels the split of responsibilities is pretty equal.

I appreciate that does not entitle him to sex, but the constant desire on here to blame the man can be dispiriting.

As are some attitudes that appear to be from the 1950s if not earlier, that Sex is something women mostly tolerate because men want it.

@ArtVandalay

I’m with your husband.

Actually right now this minute? Because if so that’s a whole other thread probably involving Find my IPhone, a tracker and an errant bobby pin/Kirby grip 😉

@cantbecoping

I would be totally with you OP.

@cantbecoping

Would you? Why??

I’m with your DH here.

[quote rookiemere]@WorkHardPlayHard1 OP specifically said up thread that her DH does pull his weight around the house and that she feels the split of responsibilities is pretty equal.

I appreciate that does not entitle him to sex, but the constant desire on here to blame the man can be dispiriting.

As are some attitudes that appear to be from the 1950s if not earlier, that Sex is something women mostly tolerate because men want it.[/quote]
There does seem an element of that - that for women sex is something to be endured, they shouldn’t take any pleasure in it etc. When they’ve got the children there’s no incentive for them to do it any more, etc.

And any man who wants to still have sex with his wife post kids is seen as some kind of selfish teenagery sex deviant!

Surely some women actually enjoy sex and don’t see it as some sort of chore/favour/obligation to their husband?

Separate to the holiday, if you really do want to have more sex but just sort of 'forget', scheduling it might help. Strictly as a reminder and not an obligation, obviously, but setting a time/day to seriously consider 'do I want to have sex tonight?' might be more effective than waiting for your libido to come back on its own.

It may have already been said, but a lack of libido could be side effects of a medication or stress / depression. (It can even be a side effect of anti depression medication, which is a bummer).

I lost my libido for years once and I didn’t even notice it was gone, I just thought I was like that now. Then when I was less stressed it came back.

It might be nice to get your own separate room, but I also agree with other pps here that booking a separate holiday just as a couple would be great as well.

[quote rookiemere]@WorkHardPlayHard1 OP specifically said up thread that her DH does pull his weight around the house and that she feels the split of responsibilities is pretty equal.

I appreciate that does not entitle him to sex, but the constant desire on here to blame the man can be dispiriting.

As are some attitudes that appear to be from the 1950s if not earlier, that Sex is something women mostly tolerate because men want it.[/quote]
Totally agree with this.
If the genders were reversed on this thread and it was the man who didn’t want sex the responses would be leave him at home and go and have a good time with your kids and divorce when you get back ( and this is normal response on threads where men don’t want sex),
But this time it’s a man who wants to have sex with his wife ( who would have thought that), and he is still wrong or lazy or crap in bed or selfish.

Ridiculous responses from some people

Forget the sex for a minute, don’t you want to be able to move around, chat, have wine or coffee and watch a film on the evenings?

On the subject of sex, obviously don’t lie back and think of England just for his sake, but if you don’t fancy it even on a relaxing holiday, there’s probably a more serious problem there that needs addressing.

We had a villa for Disney and shared with six other friends. We had a downstairs bedroom at the front of the house far from others and had sex once maybe twice. We were just too exhausted and warm!! 😂 we were only like 27 as well.

Ok, I’ve been to Disney many, many times. You will be too tired to even sit up straight by the end of the day. Honestly. On site is cramped but your kids will probably love it (we hate it). If you’re going that far, and it’s sooo expensive too, then just make memories with your dc.

Disney holidays staying on site are too full on for us. After the first time, we have always rented off site apartments to have a relaxing down day in between. The queuing drove me mad and so many crowds difficult to move. At least off site you can relax and chill. Besides, staying on site you feel you have to get your moneys worth so never really get any downtime! DD loved having the down day to swim in the pool, go to the beach, do something different. And she was older than your little ones.

Villa in Orlando is way better! You can have your own private pool, kitchen etc. Abit of space to hang out after the children have gone to bed. Yes hiring a car is a cost but it will cost you much much less overall for a nice little villa with pool and car hire than staying on site at Disney.