I think I need to cancel my wedding

[Wouldyoubabys]

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

@Primtemps

Sorry I have no advice for your situation (except to say that i would go ahead with the celebrant and have a legal bit privately whenever i could) .

I love how you have dealt with all the horrors on here. They are often just hanging around looking for someone easy to lay into and any details you can give about your life will be ammo. So bizarre.

I’ve been on MN about 12 years, I have seen the way it goes. People forget it’s a real life person on the end of the screen. I haven’t personally went out and kicked their puppies and stole their sweets but you would bloody think I had.

I am bowing out (really) now for good as in amongst the shitty replies have been some good advice and food for thought.

We had an idyllic life meant we were content. We enjoy each other’s company and the kids are all happy and we run along nicely. I never knew saying that would be cause for people to try rip me apart.

People don’t know our financial situation. I’m sorry I rubbed people up the wrong way with my statement - I was trying to illustrate why I was hurt, not show off or make other people feel crap.

His kids are very much involved - they live here half the time (no fixed schedule, they come and go as they please) we are taking them on our bloody honeymoon fgs.

I could defend myself all day, but that’s not the point and it’s not actually going to get through to those bitter enough to just kick someone who has had a really shitty few days and who came here for support.

Genuinely, thank you to those who were helpful (even if I didn’t like what you were saying!) I’m off to deal with real life now

People seeing from the outside with a different perspective to someone living in it can often come up with unpalatable advice - doesn't mean they aren't right or that they are doing it to cause harm.

How can anyone forget whether they are divorced or not is the biggest loads of codswallop to date!!!!

Absolutely @Lavenderlid.
And some people are rude. Possibly jealous. Definitely bitter.

Posters can only read what you write.

I can see how you find it hurtful but you have not once acknowledged that he may be in the wrong and in fact have defended him, in the main.

Your first few posts set out very clearly how you felt - having to urge him on to get the divorce sorted, (which he resented), how he ignored your wish not to see his wife and pregnant daughter, how he didn't come to bed and has sulked by walking the dogs and ignoring your feelings.

You can't help people reacting when many MNs are struggling to put food on the table and keep warm.

Regardless of that, You aren't engaging at all with the notion he's behaved appallingly and you need to give your head a really good wobble and decide if you can marry a man who duped you and who doesn't even now seem to care about how it has made you feel.

OP, in your shoes I'd be checking out my financial position with a fine tooth comb, possibly with legal advice.
You say you have wills that leave everything to each other. Have you seen his? It seems that his was made either in the knowledge that he was still married or that he forgot he had a wife. I'd want to know whether this means the will is valid or not.
Your home... How do you own it? Big difference between joint tenants and tenants in common.
Who benefits from his pension?
I'd also want to know why it was in his wife's interests to stay married... She clearly didn't forget.
I'm in a very long term cohabiting relationship and we have made sure all the financial stuff is sorted out so it can be done but it needed action from us.
I suspect you may be more financially vulnerable than you believe.

@JinglingHellsBells
Why do you even think or care about how low my bar is set? I’m nobody to you.
Focus on your life and your own bar. Happiness generally comes from within.

You say you have wills that leave everything to each other.

I wonder how his and your children feel on this?
They have been disinherited effectively.

(Not clear if you have children by a former partner or not. You don't mention your own children.)

His are presumably adults now if one of them is pregnant.

In 2nd marriages, it's more usual for spouses with children to leave their estate to their children, but make provision for their 2nd/3rd/ 4th wife during their lifetime.

@ThatshallotBaby I am allowed to comment on posts here. If you don't like people criticising your comments, don't come to a forum.

As an aside.

How does that work? You make a will with a partner, the partner dies and then it turns out they are still married.

Does the wife automatically get a share of what's in the deceased name. Do they have to contest it, is it worth contesting.

Its this sort of things that would bother me. He has been through the sale of several businesses, wrote wills (that may mean very little) purchased property with Op all while being legally tied to someone else.

Its that bit I couldn't get passed.

When did he forget he wasnt divorced? When he met op, when he started dating her? When they moved in together and blended families. At some point he was planning on divorce and then at some point his brain just decided he was divorced?

@Grenlei

I have to say in the OP's position I'd probably be more upset and concerned about my mum being seriously ill in intensive care than worrying about cancelling/ postponing a wedding (although I suppose she may have made a quick recovery in the last 3 weeks).

What with that, her upcoming breast reduction and her 5 planned holidays this year she's got quite a lot on her plate it seems.

I'm really sorry you're going through this! However, how did it just escape his mind that he never actually got divorced? That just seems so weird because apart from nothing else, when a marriage is over, you want financial separation etc. I just don't see how you could plan a whole wedding and 'forget' this rather important point. When you first got together, did he tell you his marital status, E.g 'I'm divorced'?

Such a lot of pain for you!

I am a bit confused here. Did the OP say her partner had not realised divorce was not completed or that he had forgotten one was not begun?

I can buy the former if a couple didn't understand the need for a decree absolute and both assumed it was done. But I guess in such a case they would have done the financials and be operating as if they were legally binding and so on, as they thought they were divorced?

I don't buy someone claiming not to remember a divorce was never started. I THINK that is what the bloke is saying here and somehow after agreeing a wedding 'discovers' in January he had never begun a divorce? If he thought a divorce would have cost him I can see why he stayed married IF he didn't care that it would affect OP if he died. But then why wasn't his ex pushing for it? Is it possible she thought as he became wealthier it would be better to wait or never have one and gamble on him dying first?

All seems very odd to me

@Duracellbunnywannabe

Why in January did you not postpone the wedding then? It was madness to continue with a wedding for this year and in summer when he not divorced yet.

Sorry op, But you found out he was still married, but still booked and paid for a wedding, that same month?

Doesn't make any sense to me.

Personally I wouldn't even thought about getting married, till the papers came through?

To go from having nothing 5 years ago to being able to sell 3(?) businesses, retire on the profits, buy a house, pay for houses for other family members, spunk £30k on a cancelled wedding and for that £30k to be no big deal is a little unusual, no?

Or more accurately it's surprising that a man so apparently financially astute he can make that amount of money had 'forgotten' he wasn't divorced.

Given the level of background drama and inconsistency I'm somewhat sceptical about this in it's entirety, but playing along I'd be very suspicious of this man's true motives in the OP's position. And the OP probably also needs to look at her own, would she stay in this situation if he was penniless? Or even just averagely well off? Doubtful. It's a bit reminiscent of the Mrs Merton quote 'so Debbie Mcgee what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?'

And OP don't take someone seeing your situation for what it is as bitterness :) I've had the chance to be a rich man's mistress, it wasn't for me and I have zero regrets.

The whole financial side is a huge mess and a train crash waiting to happen.

You said on your other posts that you sold 3 businesses and it sounds as if you have kind of 'won the lottery' in terms of money- buying extended family houses etc.

But any divorce settlement now will surely need to take into account this newly acquired wealth (happened in the last 3 years) despite his being separated for 10 years or so.

I suspect this is why he's being so tardy to press on with the divorce as he knows he's done things that may catch up with him.

I'd hot foot it to a lawyer and get advice asap. You may find your own financial situation is far more complicated and precarious than you assume.

So you've bought a house with a married man?

If he now gets divorced she can make a claim on it!

Ok so this will be my last post or other posters will pop along and accuse some of us of being overinvested.

OP I am sorry you are going through this.
It IS a shock but you need to take the scales off your eyes and start getting real.

It may be that your P has lied/ been dishonest in many aspects of his finances, from a legal perspective.

I don't know if he has a pension. As a businessman, he may have had equity etc instead and no pension. But his wife would have a claim to his assets beyond what is in his will (I assume unless they have had that conversation.)

I know you are keeping the assets from the sale of his businesses quiet- you have said this before- so others don't think you have a pot of gold to share.

BUT where is his wife in all of this?

She clearly knows about the houses bought for his children. has she decided she wants no claim on the rest of his assets? Is there a legal document saying she won't pursue him for any more money? Has he 'paid her off'? Or is that why he's delayed his divroce?

What if she changes her mind?

Where does that leave you and your share of the jointly owned house?

Maybe the wedding is the least of your worries.

I hope you do take this seriously and find a way out of it.

But any divorce settlement now will surely need to take into account this newly acquired wealth (happened in the last 3 years) despite his being separated for 10 years or so

Excellent point.

He may have said that everything was settled financially with the Ex (like how he said he was divorced), but even if there is an agreement how binding is any of that legally? Does the Ex know the extent of his recently gained wealth? If not she may become less friendly once she does, and want a (half) share of it.

Maybe she was playing the long game and hanging on for that all along hence why she'd never bothered getting divorced....who knows?

I been separated from my H for 17 years. We both know we're not divorced. This is totally implausible.

@JinglingHellsBells
Comment away!
It’s all good

Very sorry you are going through this. It sounds shit.

Is / was your OH a very successful business man - sounds like he was. I don't know how he can forget that he wasn't divorced but I can imagine a person who is so involved in their job, have teams of people round him to do all his admin and therefore because it wasn't done for him he never got around to sorting out a divorce.

The ex probably knew she was onto a cushy number - don't flag anything to him as, should anything awful happen, all assets will be hers.

@RoserParks

Typical mn! Where different situational aspects can never be tolerated and it's suddenly 'rude' to talk about money in any given context. 🙄

I can smell the jealousy from here!

Op, ignore and enjoy your wine and chocolate. Tomorrow is another day and you will both get through this together

Thing is, that £30k was going to be very useful. Paying for goods and providing employment.

We need people to spend money!
And where most of us can’t right now, those that can, should

@Wouldyoubabys you shouldn't have to defend yourself. You're well off, it's not a crime. Unfortunately there are some vile people on here who like to kick people when they are down. I wish you well

[quote Justateweetabix]**@Wouldyoubabys you shouldn't have to defend yourself. You're well off, it's not a crime. Unfortunately there are some vile people on here who like to kick people when they are down. I wish you well [/quote]
I read a few posts where the posters clearly were jealous of the OP's money. Those sorts of comments are missing the point of her post.

But there are many more who are more concerned about the actual relationship and the lies. Sadly, the only OP seems to want confirmation she is right to go ahead with the wedding rather than different perspectives because she's not engaged in any meaningful discussion about whether his behaviour has left her financially vulnerable now, or how bad his lies were.

I hope you are okay @Wouldyoubabys and appreciate most posts her are trying to help you even if it's giving you a reality-check.