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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need to cancel my wedding

516 replies

Wouldyoubabys · 07/04/2022 11:11

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

OP posts:
sellthesizzle · 07/04/2022 20:28

@Grandmum1

I think you’ve had some crap advice on here . Calm down , your DP probably feels really stupid and annoyed with himself and is now focusing on salvaging something positive from the situation . You have a healthy relationship with the ex & can get “ married” with a celebrant with her blessing . Go ahead and have your day . Kiss and make up fgs. He didn’t do it on purpose , he was an idiot but men do these things . You had a great life yesterday and nothing has changed . You can still choose to be happy - it’s up to you . Have a great wedding x
This 😊
CambsAlways · 07/04/2022 20:34

How do you forget you aren’t divorced! Has he got amnesia

neverknowwhatusernametochoose · 07/04/2022 20:36

I'm so sorry you're going through this (and for some of the unnecessarily mean comments). Couple of points from someone in the wedding industry.

  1. A surprising amount of couples do the legal bit on another day for all sorts of reasons (e.g. they want to get married outside and the venue isn't licensed for that) and most of the guests have no idea
  1. If you need to/choose to postpone the wedding you might not lose the whole £30k, every supplier is different and it depends on the individual contracts but some might well move the date (if you pick a new one they can do, and particularly if it's not a peak date) for no fee/a fee but not the full amount.
  1. If you decide to cancel financially the sooner you can do this the better. Again everyone will be different but I have a sliding scale in my contract. From memory, if you cancel within 3 months of the wedding then the full amount is due, but if it's 3-6 months it's a smaller percentage.

Good luck with everything...new to mumsnet, don't know how you do the flower pic....but 'flowers' to you!

Grenlei · 07/04/2022 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

AskingforaBaskin · 07/04/2022 20:46

@Nanny0gg from the sounds of it she told him as soon as she was informed of the wedding.

Turningpurple · 07/04/2022 20:52

A surprising amount of couples do the legal bit on another day for all sorts of reasons (e.g. they want to get married outside and the venue isn't licensed for that) and most of the guests have no idea

So these people get everyone to attend a pretend marriage, but are really married to someone else?

Wouldyoubabys · 07/04/2022 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted as it quotes a deleted post.

PiperPosey · 07/04/2022 21:00

@neverknowwhatusernametochoose

I'm so sorry you're going through this (and for some of the unnecessarily mean comments). Couple of points from someone in the wedding industry.
  1. A surprising amount of couples do the legal bit on another day for all sorts of reasons (e.g. they want to get married outside and the venue isn't licensed for that) and most of the guests have no idea
  1. If you need to/choose to postpone the wedding you might not lose the whole £30k, every supplier is different and it depends on the individual contracts but some might well move the date (if you pick a new one they can do, and particularly if it's not a peak date) for no fee/a fee but not the full amount.
  1. If you decide to cancel financially the sooner you can do this the better. Again everyone will be different but I have a sliding scale in my contract. From memory, if you cancel within 3 months of the wedding then the full amount is due, but if it's 3-6 months it's a smaller percentage.

Good luck with everything...new to mumsnet, don't know how you do the flower pic....but 'flowers' to you!

This is the best advice. Seriously...I know of 2 couples who had a marriage ceremony, but for some reason or another couldn't get a license. and then just got married at courthouse when they could.
Suzie81 · 07/04/2022 21:02

Unless you guys are in a whole other level of richness, 30k is still not something even multi millionaires just casually walk away from. Sure, I can understand it not being life or death, but unless I'm taking to Elon Musk's partner that's got to sting a bit.

Trixiefirecracker · 07/04/2022 21:09

We got married before we went to the registry office, it was fine and no one saw it as a fake wedding, at least they didn’t appear to!

EdithRea · 07/04/2022 21:31

He forgot he wasn't divorced?

Oh, come on.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/04/2022 21:35

Absolute madness to book a wedding before the divorce comes through, ridiculous. I bought a house with my DS and his partner and wouldn't even consider doing it until her divorce came through. I was quite clear about that.
Like everything else the divorce courts are very behind and it can take ages to get the absolute.

Cocomarine · 07/04/2022 22:02

@Shehasadiamondinthesky but they didn’t book it when they were waiting. They booked it thinking he was divorced - bizarrely! And it took his ex to say, “dude, you’re forgetting something…”

suzy2b · 07/04/2022 22:10

Friends of mine did a do it yourself divorce cost them £75 ( mine that was a few years ago now) and it didn't take them very long.

Hugsssssss · 07/04/2022 22:15

So sorry you are feeling sad. A lot of people judging here. At the core he hasn’t respected how you feel T all and that must be tough. Hope it all gets better and don’t let the comments get to you

HaggisBurger · 07/04/2022 22:26

@suzy2b

Friends of mine did a do it yourself divorce cost them £75 ( mine that was a few years ago now) and it didn't take them very long.
They still have to apply to court. Your friends just didn’t use a solicitor to do the paperwork. The issue is the court service processing time from Covid and now a surge in no fault divorce applications. This can vary area to area at the moment but is not quick for anywhere at present.
Dindundundundeeer · 07/04/2022 22:35

@Grandmum1

I think you’ve had some crap advice on here . Calm down , your DP probably feels really stupid and annoyed with himself and is now focusing on salvaging something positive from the situation . You have a healthy relationship with the ex & can get “ married” with a celebrant with her blessing . Go ahead and have your day . Kiss and make up fgs. He didn’t do it on purpose , he was an idiot but men do these things . You had a great life yesterday and nothing has changed . You can still choose to be happy - it’s up to you . Have a great wedding x
Er you are mumsnet you know. Rational and real life responses aren’t welcome.

I’ve asked for your post to be deleted.

Familylawso1icitor · 07/04/2022 22:37

A D11 application (not a D10) to expedite might make sense, but if its just to abbreviate the 6 weeks between decree nisi and decree absolute then you have enough time even if not abbreviated? Waiting times for looking at D11s are about 3 months so doubt that will help.
There’s no such thing as companies that do speedy divorces by the way, they can’t speed it up any faster than anyone else.

SunflowerTed · 08/04/2022 00:04

I think I would struggle marrying somebody so ‘forgetful’

IamTheEvilPea · 08/04/2022 00:15

Divorce is an exhausting and drawn-out process even if it's what you want. It is not something anybody "forgets" or is unclear whether they've done or not. It's not an errand to the supermarket, it's a deliberate act as much as a wedding which both parties are fully aware of.

That he could arrange a wedding with you knowing he is still married is mind blowing, the level of deceit. What did he think would happen?!

Leave this man immediately.

IamTheEvilPea · 08/04/2022 00:17

@suzy2b

Friends of mine did a do it yourself divorce cost them £75 ( mine that was a few years ago now) and it didn't take them very long.
Lol. The court fees alone far exceed that. And a divorce doesn't happen without both parties being aware. It's just bot even remotely credible that this cretin is claiming he doesn't know whether he's married or not. How absurd.
IamTheEvilPea · 08/04/2022 00:21

* This is the best advice.*

No, it isn't. Why would anybody advise the OP of how to still fake-marry this man when he has already been lying to her about such important things, and disrespecting her, before they even do that?! This is madness.

And do you really think this future faking man will suddenly actually get divorced and marry her after they've had their fake wedding? Or be well aware that she'd then be so humiliated to tell friends and family that it was a fake wedding, that he'd just carry on as he has been?

Tough one to figure out. 🙄🙄

OP - painful as it is, end this. There is no other way here, for you to keep your self-respect and to have him respect you also.

Mananna · 08/04/2022 00:23

@IamTheEvilPea

Divorce is an exhausting and drawn-out process even if it's what you want. It is not something anybody "forgets" or is unclear whether they've done or not. It's not an errand to the supermarket, it's a deliberate act as much as a wedding which both parties are fully aware of.

That he could arrange a wedding with you knowing he is still married is mind blowing, the level of deceit. What did he think would happen?!

Leave this man immediately.

This is such a weird argument. He didn't actually get divorced, so hasn't been through this exhausting drawn-out process which is impossible to forget!

He hasn't experienced it - so how can it be something he could never forget?!

IamTheEvilPea · 08/04/2022 00:27

@Mananna well precisely. So he'd know if he had. And he (obviously) has not. Anybody saying they "don't know" if they are divorced is either: 1) lying, or; 2) severely mentally challenged and living under a rock and has no idea of what a marriage contract actually is, how it works, or how it is terminated.

Whichever category the OP's OH falls into, it's pretty obvious he's not marriage material!!!!

IamTheEvilPea · 08/04/2022 00:29

You CANNOT be divorced without going through the divorce process. People know if they have done that or not. Have they filed or responded to divorce proceedings or not? Have they received confirmation from the court that their marriage is terminated, or not? This isn't complicated. Unless he has significant learning difficulties, to even propose that he didn't know if he was divorced or not is beyond ridiculous.