I think I need to cancel my wedding

[Wouldyoubabys]

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

No one in their right mind would happily spend 30k and risk bigomy on a wedding they knew couldn't happen and if he's still that friendly with his wife , he would have told her about the wedding and she would have mentioned they were still married.
I call BS .

Is this an age gap relationship OP?

Might be relevant in some ways.

I think you said his daughter is expecting a baby, so she must be adult, but also you were TTC (sorry if I got it wrong.)

I just have a horrible idea that this is an older, quite wealthy man, starting over and having a 2nd family lined up, yet he's 'forgotten' to divorce his first wife!

Could that be because he wanted to hold onto his financial assets which would happen if they divorced- and in the meantime he's paying her , to keep her happy, but not felt the full impact (financially) of a divorce?

And now you and he have set a date, he's been caught out?

@Wouldyoubabys
I would go ahead with the wedding plans and have a celebrant.
Keep talking to him. It’s been a big shock. It’s ok for you to feel how you do. Hope all goes well.

Given the expected rise in divorces being processed with the introduction of no fault divorces it may be difficult to get it finalised in time.

What is most important to you OP? The big wedding or the marriage? If the celebration, vows in public and being recognised as his wife is the key thing then you might as well continue with the wedding with a celebrant. That achieves everything even if you know that you're not actually married.

If being legally married is more important then cancel and don't plan anything until you've seen the official paperwork to confirm that he is divorced. If you go ahead with the fake wedding he will probably just keep putting off getting divorced. In his mind he would see no need as your family and friends regard you as married anyway.

The fact that he "forgot" his marital status would worry me. What else has he "forgotten" and is happy to publicly pretend about?

financials etc were all split when they first separated over a decade ago

This always worries me.

Agreeing a settlement that is not 'legal' often results in the wealthier partner having more than they ought to. Some men do this (avoid the actual divorce) as they know that a court/ lawyer would award the wife more.

If they are still married, and he died suddenly, she'd be entitled to half his pension. I think she might also have a claim on half your house although you'd need to check that out. I know he has a Will leaving half to you, but I think a wife could contest that.

What is very strange is that you have each done some things jointly- buying the house together , sorting out your wills, but the ONE fundamental issue of his divorce isn't sorted.

If he's a successful man, now retired, able to 'keep' two families ( you say you don't work), then why and how could he possibly 'forget' to finalise a divorce?

I really would think long and hard about marrying him as he's been very dishonest with you.

she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced

It really does get worse.

So he only had to come clean once his wife (separated) told you.

If she'd not, what would he have done?

I am sure when we bought our house we both had to declare there was no one else who could have a financial interest in it. Not sure if dp had to show his actual divorce certificate but we were certainly asked about it. I bought with someone else before and we were also asked if anyone could have a matrimonial interest.

@Vapeyvapevape

No one in their right mind would happily spend 30k and risk bigomy on a wedding they knew couldn't happen and if he's still that friendly with his wife , he would have told her about the wedding and she would have mentioned they were still married. I call BS .

She did tell the OP- in the first post.

Hope it all gets sorted out. It sounds like he reacted defensively in the first instance and has not yet taken on board your feelings. It also sounds like he is trying to fix the situation - in a practical way. He maybe thinks fixing the practical will fix the emotional. (I'm thinking about how my own very kind but emotionally dense DH would react in this situation!) Hopefully when you are both feeling less hurt and upset you can look at this together and make a plan together. All is not lost!

@anotherbrewplease

Wow - so much drama.

The divorce company has until June to sort it - it is only April 8th.

Maybe save the drama for a bit later.

It's Mumsnet, it's all about the drama and the bonkers replies.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but I have read all OP’s posts. I am firmly in the camp that it is not possible to forget whether you are married or not. He lied and was about to commit bigamy. I don’t know why you are prepared to get past this OP. If you had any self respect you would end this farce of a relationship now.

Sorry but absolutely no one ever would not realise / remember they weren't divorced .
If he can blag his way through this what else don't you know ?
Seriously take some time and space to consider the reality of this and put the wedding on hold .

You've had a big shock and it's understandable you're upset,..but...
Your DP knows he's messed up; he's trying his best to sort it out; he still wants to marry you.
It sounds like you have a good life together usually, and he's a good father and partner.

So stay calm, do nothing and back off. It's not your issue to rectify at the moment - it's his. Be gracious and let him find a solution.
How would you hope he would react if you had made a huge mistake? Take that path. It doesn't have to be a big drama/disaster unless you make it so.

@Grandmum1

I think you’ve had some crap advice on here . Calm down , your DP probably feels really stupid and annoyed with himself and is now focusing on salvaging something positive from the situation . You have a healthy relationship with the ex & can get “ married” with a celebrant with her blessing . Go ahead and have your day . Kiss and make up fgs. He didn’t do it on purpose , he was an idiot but men do these things . You had a great life yesterday and nothing has changed . You can still choose to be happy - it’s up to you . Have a great wedding x

This is very good advice. Ignore all the 'end this relationship NOW' posts, OP (and the ones who are jealous about the money aspect). In particular, ignore the vile post by @Grenlei, who probably enjoys kicking people anonymously online.

You can't forget you're still married.

Why did you send the invites out before the divorce was sorted?

You have only known him for 5 years. (I don't see how he could have accumulated all his wealth in that short time ,as well as financing his wife for the past 12 years but maybe he's a venture capitalist and made a few million:)

Anyway, just don't let the lifestyle you have with him blind you to what he has done.

It's very clear that he had no intention of telling you he was married still. It was his wife who did that. If she'd not- what then? Go ahead with the bigamy?

Have you asked him when he'd have told you? How did he answer?

I completely disagree with the posters minimising his behaviour.
It's appalling.

He's lived a lie with you and because he's rich you appear to be overlooking that. He also possibly put your finances and your future in jeopardy as his wife would have had a claim on his estate in the event of his death while married to her.

There are all kinds of legalities involved in a marriage not least next of kin had he needed that. She has that status- not you. So 'forgetting' he is still married was bollocks.

So to answer your question, should you cancel the wedding- yes.

OP , you lost a lot of posters with the '£30k isn't much compared to income' comment.

Obviously there's no need for people to be nasty, but that's not going to garner much empathy, is it?

You also say that you have an 'Idyllic lifestyle ' , and most posters have chosen to understand that you are rich and living an existence most of us can only dream of.

Quite logically, most of us can see your husband to be is a not a very nice person and also a liar. No decent man would go ahead with wedding plans knowing they are still married, which he clearly did. Everybody remembers a divorce, even the most amicable sort.

So, I'm assuming what you want to hear is that he's made a genuine mistake, his reaction is down to embarrassment, all will be well and you can find another £30k down the back of the sofa to plan another wedding when the divorce is complete, and this can be a funny story for the best man to tell.

I suggest you read your first posts OP where you speak the truth about his behaviour. How hurtful it is, how he doesn't take on board your emotions, how you have only lived together for 2 years and rowed a lot as you were both used to living alone.

You need to have a long, hard think over whether you are in love with the fantastic lifestyle this man provides for you (maybe you earn enough on your own to create that yourself?) or if you are being blinded by the money.

Would you still think well of him if he earned next to nothing and your only holiday was a week in a cheap hotel in the UK?

Separate out what he is , how he's behaved and the lifestyle he gives you. I wonder why you call yourself a housewife when he is retired and you don't work? Do you ever plan to work again?

Sorry I have no advice for your situation
(except to say that i would go ahead with the celebrant and have a legal bit privately whenever i could) .

I love how you have dealt with all the horrors on here. They are often just hanging around looking for someone easy to lay into and any details you can give about your life will be ammo. So bizarre.

If I were the ex I'd be seeking to renegotiate the financial settlement to claim on his recent wealth and income. Might delay things a little for you though. Do any of these holidays include his first family?

Some serious over investment by posters on this thread.
The op needs to find her self respect and leave him?
Come on

@ThatshallotBaby

Some serious over investment by posters on this thread. The op needs to find her self respect and leave him? Come on

Rather some serious minimising about a man who lied about not being divorced and was willing to commit bigamy or delay the wedding indefinitely.

Do you always set the bar so low for your own life?