Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need to cancel my wedding

516 replies

Wouldyoubabys · 07/04/2022 11:11

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

OP posts:
IamTheEvilPea · 08/04/2022 00:34

So yeah in conclusion OP, save yourself a great deal of heartache and do not marry this man, cut him out of your life immediately.

The audacity of planning a wedding with you when he knew he was still married to someone else is mind-boggling. You would have been dragged into a bigamy case!

Cut your losses, leave, forget him.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Thanks

IamTheEvilPea · 08/04/2022 00:42

@Turningpurple

A surprising amount of couples do the legal bit on another day for all sorts of reasons (e.g. they want to get married outside and the venue isn't licensed for that) and most of the guests have no idea

So these people get everyone to attend a pretend marriage, but are really married to someone else?

Bonkers. I've never come across or heard of this, ever. Totally mad. Why would anybody do that? You'd have to have self-esteem on the floor already and be fake-marrying somebody pretty screwed up in 99.99999995% of situations I could think of, which wouldn't bode well for how the fake-marriage would pan out. Sad
Dindundundundeeer · 08/04/2022 00:55

OP - painful as it is, end this. There is no other way here, for you to keep your self-respect and to have him respect you also

Some people do talk crap. They had a row. It Confusedhurt. So what.

It’s like no one on here ever has a messy moment.

Dindundundundeeer · 08/04/2022 00:55

@IamTheEvilPea

So yeah in conclusion OP, save yourself a great deal of heartache and do not marry this man, cut him out of your life immediately.

The audacity of planning a wedding with you when he knew he was still married to someone else is mind-boggling. You would have been dragged into a bigamy case!

Cut your losses, leave, forget him.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Thanks

Pure comedy
Ellmau · 08/04/2022 01:19

Is it possible they got the decree nisi but not the decree absolute?

The DP is still to blame though.

Sorry you're going through this, OP.

me4real · 08/04/2022 01:28

You have a healthy relationship with the ex & can get “ married” with a celebrant with her blessing

@Grandmum1 I can imagine a lot of the blokes we read about on these boards, and I think PP's have already mentioned, that then the risk is he has no incentive to get a divorce and might well stall and not bother giving OP the marriage she wants.

Plus then their real marriage would be just signing the book at the registry office or whatever.

Whereas I imagine @Wouldyoubabys along with a lot of women, would want a real commitment and to do their wedding/marriage 'properly.'

Might as well wait a few months more and do what you actually want to do @Wouldyoubabys - unless a blessing rather than an actual marriage is ok with you for your big day.

LBFseBrom · 08/04/2022 02:03

It's up to you what you do but, in your place, I'd cancel and put it out of my mind until after the decree absolute. Then, if your partner is suitably contrite and you both still want to marry, go to the registrar and have a big party somewhere later. At least then you will know it is happening for genuine reasons and you can share the joy with your guests but maybe not on the same day (it will make no difference to them anyway).

I certainly understand why you're upset with him, he has been not just ridiculously vague but quite irresponsible. However you already have your home, children and financial security without the bit of paper so you obviously do mean a lot to each other. It might be best to just calm down now and let things gradually unfold.

IamTheEvilPea · 08/04/2022 02:10

@Dindundundundeeer

OP - painful as it is, end this. There is no other way here, for you to keep your self-respect and to have him respect you also

Some people do talk crap. They had a row. It Confusedhurt. So what.

It’s like no one on here ever has a messy moment.

This isn't a row. 🤣🤣 He has lied to her consistently and planned a wedding with her when he knows he is married to someone else.

Jesus. How low does the bar have to be before you stop trying to duck it?

IamTheEvilPea · 08/04/2022 02:11

Pure comedy

Not sure what's remotely funny about attempted bigamy and trying to lure somebody into a fake wedding. Do enlighten us all.

IamTheEvilPea · 08/04/2022 02:15

@Ellmau

Is it possible they got the decree nisi but not the decree absolute?

The DP is still to blame though.

Sorry you're going through this, OP.

Nope. It's very, very clear what each stage of the process is and whether the marriage has been dissolved or not.

Decent, sane people do not propose to other people and plan weddings with them while they're still married to someone else, and without bothering to even inform their intended new spouse of that fact!! 🙄😆

BudgetPlanMum · 08/04/2022 02:32

Sorry OP but you can't come here crying for advice then be unhappy when people give conflicting opinions.

Your responses to people saying they are jealous or projecting is your own embarrassment.

My opinion you met an older single wealthy man, he takes care of you and your child/ren from previous relationship and you are wanting a baby with him and marriage to secure your financial future.

Hes been plodding along maybe he did forget the divorce but you are behaving like a brat and he seems totally over it. Its no loss to him if you don't get pregnant or don't get married. He's probably hiding a lot more I wouldn't be surprised if he has a mistress tucked away somewhere.

For you and your sons sake sort your financial affairs ASAP!

Geppili · 08/04/2022 02:40

He has misled you woefully. But you must look at his behaviour. The bottom line is he is extremely reluctant to marry you. No one forgets that they are not actually divorced and goes ahead with buying a wedding. Go your own way. Be free of him. He does not truly love you. Perhaps because he knows that you don't truly love him. Don't be set on securing his wealth with marriage and baby. Make your own life wealth.

IamTheEvilPea · 08/04/2022 02:55

@Geppili

He has misled you woefully. But you must look at his behaviour. The bottom line is he is extremely reluctant to marry you. No one forgets that they are not actually divorced and goes ahead with buying a wedding. Go your own way. Be free of him. He does not truly love you. Perhaps because he knows that you don't truly love him. Don't be set on securing his wealth with marriage and baby. Make your own life wealth.
Absolutely.
Scouse21 · 08/04/2022 02:57

Did he not know he was still married ? Why? Is he taking this wedding serious. I do feel for you but if you go ahead with wedding and he not divorced the wedding will be void and he could get arrested for bigamy.
But reading other parts of your letter.. you need to put the money side and everyone else at the back of your mind first .. and be honest with yourself and ask yourself is he the man for you x 🙏🏼

TheVillageOfUpperDenture · 08/04/2022 03:21

This is a warning from the future.

What else has he 'forgotten'

Will he forget he is married to you whn he meets the next one?

Egghead68 · 08/04/2022 06:19

Would you want to marry him if he wasn’t rich?

Baggingarea · 08/04/2022 07:52

Op not commenting on your relationship as you didn’t ask about that. If you still want to get married don’t cancel your day. Have a blessing and a party. Then do official business once it’s all sorted.

HangingRock25 · 08/04/2022 07:59

Gees people on here can be cruel. I am so sorry OP you have been so upset by your partner. Two things stand out to me; one is that while in a relationship with you, moving in with you, and getting engaged, he 'forgot' that he was still married. I mean, if he really wanted out of his last marriage so bad, a divorce is the first step he'd make, before even entertaining another marriage. Marriage = divorce. It's not like partners = relationship over. He was MARRIED. He knew this. Yet he took absolutely no steps whatsoever, to terminate his marriage. I can only assume he is A) mentally slow and has serious cognitive/developmental impairment to not know or wanted to have a divorce, or B) truly didn't care that he was still married. I mean, who does that? Who arranges to get married to someone when they have not even bothered to get divorced from their first marriage? It's very, very odd. There is either something truly very wrong with him, or he just doesn't care and takes marriage as just 'a relationship' and doesn't realise it's a LEGAL contract. Either way doesn't auger well for his respect for marriage.

Second is that he had no feelings of compassion to comfort you when you were upset. I cannot imagine my husband being like this. Your partner's cruelty, coldness, and lack of any compassion or basic human decency towards you is a worry. Are you sure you truly want to marry a man who seems to lack basic human emotions?

I don't want to leap to LTB, but I do agree with @IamTheEvilPea . They said it more bluntly than me, but they are 100% right. This man either cannot adult, or even human on any decent level, or simply does not care and didn't even take his marriage seriously enough that he didn't realise it was binding legal arrangement. Also lacks ability to empathise and consider the needs of his partner.

It's two strikes against him already. He does not seem to understand the concept of a legal marriage. He saw it as just another relationship, so why does he want to marry when he has no respect for the solemnity and legality? I'd end your engagement at least, even if you choose to stay with him. At least until he has shown he understands how serious marriage is. It's clear he doesn't understand what he is about to enter into with you.

SnackSizeRaisin · 08/04/2022 08:00

I would cancel the wedding until the divorce is finalised. The whole situation sounds most bizarre but maybe this is how rich people live. If none of you work what do you do all day? Surely it's easy to get along and be happy when you have no money or time pressure whatsoever? Conversely I guess that's how this got so blown out of proportion

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 08/04/2022 08:02

This man has caused you enormous upset over something that was entirely his fault. He hasn't apologised, got angry about the cost, invited his ex round after you asked him not to and then told you to pack your bags. This is not an honest, reliable, supportive man.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/04/2022 08:05

Move the wedding

I get how upsetting it is - uou plan a big day and then can’t get married

Due to covid lockdowns We had our wedding cancelled not once but twice

Should have been married may 2020

That got cancelled in March 2020

We moved it to May 2021 thinking a year later covid wouldn’t be about

Yeah right 🙄🙄😂😂

That got cancelled as well few months before as a week earlier then restrictions loosened

That got moved to July 2021 where we did get married

In the end it’s a date

I wouldn’t do the wedding but not get married

Won’t be your wedding day

Move it to sept if the venue has space @Wouldyoubabys

And have a day you will enjoy

anotherbrewplease · 08/04/2022 08:05

Wow - so much drama.

The divorce company has until June to sort it - it is only April 8th.

Maybe save the drama for a bit later.

HangingRock25 · 08/04/2022 08:06

I am also surprised his wife made no attempts to get a divorce, either. And, as it seems, rather smugly said you realise we are still married? So it seems she doesn't want a divorce much herself.

Why didn't she file? And since her husband/your partner clearly lacks the ability to adult, wouldn't leaving him to file and arrange it be an absolute disaster? Is her ability to adult worse than his? If not, I'd suggest her arrange the divorce. However that make be a mistake because it doesn't sound like she's too eager to divorce.

The whole situation is so very odd. Her smugly pronouncing that she is still the wife, not you and he thinking marriage is just like an ordinary relationship and never even stopped to think it needed to be dissolved, before becoming engaged to you. The more I think about this OP, the more I think this dysfunctional mess was an omen, or a blessing for you rather. And I think you should perhaps take this as you dodged a bullet.

JinglingHellsBells · 08/04/2022 08:07

He's led you a bit of dance, hasn't he?

Not coming clean about the fact he wasn't actually divorced would be the end for me.

No one 'forgets' something like that!

I'd be digging for the reason why he 'forgot'.

To make him more appealing when you met?

LIZS · 08/04/2022 08:10

And bear in mind all this time he is still married, his "ex" would have had prior claim on his estate had he died. You could lose your home and any security for the future. How could he be so blase as to risk that on your behalf? How dare he? You are not his priority and never have been, so why choose to marry him now. If you go through with a not legal ceremony he can stall longer on the legal one. I'm not convinced this divorce agent really is speeding it up, possibly the reverse, but it conveniently offers him someone else to blame.