I just don't understand why he's doing this

[TotallyUninspired]

Just over three weeks ago after months of increasingly distant, cruel behaviour from him I asked my husband (of 14 years - 2 children) what was going on.
In January he had said that he felt unhappy and confused and 'loved me to bits but the spark had gone a bit'. I asked if there was someone else, he said no. I asked if he was still attracted to me, he said yes. I suggested marriage counselling, he said 'I don't know - I can't talk about this any more now'. I spent the next few weeks/months doing everything I could to spend more time together, talk more, sleep together more, go on dates, etc. I could still feel him pulling further and further away and making no effort at all (he was happy to sleep with me). He left rooms as I entered them, shrugged off my touch and it was like pulling teeth to get him to do anything with me.
This time, when I asked him he said that he 'loved me but was not in love with me', and this time, when I asked again, he told me that he was in love with someone else (also married). He then turned it round and blamed the whole thing on me, coming up with completely random instances from the past when I'd annoyed him by, for example, not telling him he was amazing in bed, not riding my bike enough, not wanting to go to a particular holiday destination one time. When I stood up for myself he got nastier and more personal - attacking my personality, telling me I was scared of life and he couldn't be with someone like that, and this new woman offers him things that I don't: 'happiness, joy'. He also told me it was 'none of my business' who it was.
I just don't recognise the version of our marriage he presented me with - to me we have been largely happy with good communication, were sleeping together, got on well, had the same values, had ups and downs of course, but no more than any other long relationship.
I don't recognise this cruel, selfish person as the man I married.
He is sorry for hurting me but doesn't regret it and would rather be single (if he doesn't end up with her) than be with me and our children, so really I have no choice in any of this. I certainly wasn't prepared to beg - it's gone too far - and I didn't.
It's been such a short time - he hasn't even properly moved out yet and I am brokenhearted and endlessly analysing how this happened and why he never talked to me about any of this at any point until it was too late in his eyes.
I'm scared for my future and for the childrens' future, barely functioning, but keeping it together as best I can for them and taking practical steps to sort it out.
What's really messing with my head now is that, while he's quite determined that this is the correct course of action, and even though he's broken all our hearts, he's phoning me up telling me he misses talking to me and spending time with me. I told him that he didn't get to betray me and then enjoy the benefits of my company. He was astonished and said I was throwing away the 18 years of our relationship. I told him that he had done that and I was only prepared to talk to him about practicalities/the children.
I honestly can't stand talking to him right now. Why doesn't he understand how much pain it causes me, and why does he think I would be in any way fine with being his friend 3 weeks after he's detonated our marriage?

[teaandchocolate1]

I am so sorry that he's treating you like this, you deserve better xx

[RoyKentsChestHair]

I’m so sorry but this is 100% The Script. He’s followed it word for word. Have a Google and find the rest of it because it sounds like you can predict every move he makes from now on. It’s tragic how unoriginal these men are.

FWIW they have to pretend you’re the worst wife ever to preserve their own ego, otherwise they’d have to accept what a monumental cheating prick they are. I’m so sorry

[RoyKentsChestHair]

Have a look on the ChumpLady site for some pertinent articles and gather your strength for the rest of the bullshit coming your way.

[Xpologog]

It’s a classic, sorry.
You’ve caught him out, he’s going to blame someone, not take responsibility for his own actions.
If you kick him out or he leaves then his parents, siblings, friends will find out and he wants to shout first—- “ it’s not my fault”
If he dumps the OW can you forgive him? Would you want to stay married? Or better to tell him to go now?

[RoyKentsChestHair]

Sounds like your cheat is at the ‘cake eating’ stage from looking at the links on that site.

[user1471082124]

Another one here who says it’s The Script
Had it from personal experience
Stick to your guns
He’s going to be telling everyone it’s your doing. You know it’s not
You can do this !

[Vapeyvapevape]

I'm so sorry Op , why do men do this ? Are they all so bloody weak and egotistical that they can't just tell the truth, apologise properly and mean it ?

He is absolutely following the script and you can claw back some control. Give him a deadline to move out by, go and see a solicitor and every time he says he misses you tell him to fuck off .

[lemongreentea]

What everyone else said OP. Really am sorry you are going through this but time to find your strength and energy and work out how to move forward in your life despite his bullshit.

Bad news is being lied and cheatded on sucks. It hurts like hell.

Good news is once you are rid of this loser your life will be so much better. I can almost guarantee that.


Get all your paperwork and money in order and be prepared for him to play nasty. Good luck OP. Please do come back to your thread as their are some very wise ladies who have been through this who will be able to advise you.

[TotallyUninspired]

He's definitely going. His parents, siblings, friends know. His parents are very sad but appear to be accepting his narrative that he's been unhappy for a long time, blah blah.
It's gone too far for forgiveness. I want this never to have happened, but it can't be taken back and he's not the person I married.

[Heartbeats0708]

I'm really sorry too OP. I don't often comment on these threads but your situation is exactly the same as mine. No doubt exactly the same as countless other women too- if it wasn't so heartbreaking it'd be laughable how unoriginal it truly is.
He's rewriting history to justify his shitty behaviour - take no notice at all. He needs someone to blame and you're a much easier target than himself. Mine said the same about wanting to 'be friends'- it can't work, and this is the hard bit. You're essentially grieving for someone that hasn't passed away.
Take care and lean on those around you that offer support

[ChiselandBits]

Oh ffs another one. OP I'm so sorry but your post could be a cut and paste from dozens of others. Why do they do it? Because if they were honest it would go 'being a married father is a bit dull compared to when I was 20 and my wife isn't acting like she did when we were first together and expects me to remember and do boring shit like school runs and Wednesday night cooking and there's this AMAZING woman at work who like totally gets me, like my soul mate, new women blows smoke up my arse and I like it. So there. Ner Ner.' doesn't sound great does it?

[OhSoStranger]

OP this is NOTHING you have done, or could have done differently. He is a cheat caught up in this 'new love' and is blinded by that. To make you out to be the bad one means he doesn't have to look at himself as the problem. Unfortunately MOST men rewrite history... 'we' have all experienced it, the script.

Do not trust this man. You are doing the right thing - only speak to him about the divorce or kids. Get him out of there and start your new life.

[sillysmiles]

He was astonished and said I was throwing away the 18 years of our relationship
While completely believe you, I find it unbelievable* how absolutely dumb and clueless he is about what is going on or the impact his actions have had on others. It really is all about him isn't it?

*can't think of a better word here

[inheritancetrack]

He blamed you, not for the reality of your 'mistakes' but because he isn't man enough to accept responsibility for his actions. So much easier to pile guilt on you and tell other people his lies, because if other people believe what he says, it must be true, right? So ignore it. You did nothing wrong and if he hadn't met another woman he would still be happy with you. Not deliriously in love because it's unsustainable long term, but content. He's now been offered excitement which he wants to take but also to keep the contentment and comfort with you with his 'chatting'.

Well you're doing good so far, but do great by telling him to fuck off next time he calls. Divorce him. Take everything you can get, and make your own life. Do not let him keep a foot in each door. Slam it on him and feel better for it. Fucking men and there, let's stay friends...yea, just in case it doesn't work out and he can persuade you to take him back.

[TotallyUninspired]

Thank you. It helps to hear it!
It hurts so much to hear your whole relationship denigrated and that the person you love doesn't value you or your family unit enough to even try.
I have friends and family supporting me, and I know in the end I will get through it, but it's very daunting at the moment and the future looks empty.

[TotallyUninspired]

@sillysmiles he really did say that and it really is all about him. When I said: 'What about the children?!, he shouted 'I'm just supposed to be miserable for the rest of my life, am I?'
I've had to write down the things he's said to sanity check them with friends afterwards.

[ChiselandBits]

As pp said, many of us have been there I'm sad to say. Its actually quite terrifying that within an incredibly short space of time your best friend, your one person who is supposed to be on your side is completely gone. I raged at my ex, pleaded and begged him to read some stuff on the script and mid life crises etc to not throw our family away but he just couldn't or would hear it. It's a real cognitive dissonance they have going on. Once the reality kicks in for him and you it will get tougher in some ways. You need to remember from right now that he is not your friend or on your side. Start asking him what he intends to do about his half of childcare and parenting. Half, not 4 days a month.

[cptartapp]

[quote TotallyUninspired]@sillysmiles he really did say that and it really is all about him. When I said: 'What about the children?!, he shouted 'I'm just supposed to be miserable for the rest of my life, am I?'
I've had to write down the things he's said to sanity check them with friends afterwards.[/quote]
Not for the rest of his life. But for the next 18 years whilst he cares for his DC 24/7 half of every week, then yes.
Put the wind up him. Ask him which half he wants.

[Herejustforthisone]

These men all do the exact same thing don’t they? If it wasn’t so shit it would be hilarious. They’re all utterly pathetic.

What is truly awful is that they can all be so incredibly cruel to the women they used to love, just to selfishly allay their own guilt at their own shit actions. The worst bit is their weak minds mean they often believe their own cruel narratives.

[Cherrysoup]

Please don’t listen to his bizarre excuses and him playing the blame game. This is entirely down to him, not you. Only allow contact re the dc, no way should you be wasting time having jolly conversations with him. He has absolutely forfeited the right to anything from you, the wanker.

[KirstenBlest]

It's The Script. His head has been turned and he's turned into a shark.
It isn't you or anything you have done or not done.

So sorry for you.
and a big hug

[cherryonthecakes]

It's such a cliché that I saw the end of your post coming. It's part of the cheater's script to rewrite the marriage and create a story where their spouse forced them to have an affair. His excuses are bullshit, please don't dwell on them. My cheating ex came up with his own ridiculous list and one of the reasons was he heard me weeing in the en-suite and couldn't fancy me after that. 🤣

You're going to get through this. You're going to feel the whole spectrum of emotions but you will feel better one day.

[CrazyDiamond30]

I've just been through the exact same thing with my husband of 9 years (and a young baby).

He is turning it around on you so that it's YOU who is ending the relationship at the end - so that he feels no guilt "well, she said she didn't want it any more so what can I do". This is alongside him manipulating you by playing with your emotions. I even nearly 100% guarantee that if you said "let's give it another go" he wouldnt do it (or not straight away) because it's just to see if he has you in his control.

Men can be absolute arseholes and so manipulative and it's really painful. I was exactly the same as you where I thought how am I going to even get through today let alone my future, and I promise you I feel ALOT better. Alot has come to light about how he was and he's showing every true colour now - I'm sure your ex partner will too. You will be fine I promise - time really is a healer.

[user1480097724]

Please feel free to PM me. I'm going through almost exactly the same. I'm heartbroken .

[AryaStarkWolf]

So glad you didn't entertain his BS OP, it takes a very strong person to do that in your place, good for you.