I just don't understand why he's doing this

[TotallyUninspired]

Just over three weeks ago after months of increasingly distant, cruel behaviour from him I asked my husband (of 14 years - 2 children) what was going on.
In January he had said that he felt unhappy and confused and 'loved me to bits but the spark had gone a bit'. I asked if there was someone else, he said no. I asked if he was still attracted to me, he said yes. I suggested marriage counselling, he said 'I don't know - I can't talk about this any more now'. I spent the next few weeks/months doing everything I could to spend more time together, talk more, sleep together more, go on dates, etc. I could still feel him pulling further and further away and making no effort at all (he was happy to sleep with me). He left rooms as I entered them, shrugged off my touch and it was like pulling teeth to get him to do anything with me.
This time, when I asked him he said that he 'loved me but was not in love with me', and this time, when I asked again, he told me that he was in love with someone else (also married). He then turned it round and blamed the whole thing on me, coming up with completely random instances from the past when I'd annoyed him by, for example, not telling him he was amazing in bed, not riding my bike enough, not wanting to go to a particular holiday destination one time. When I stood up for myself he got nastier and more personal - attacking my personality, telling me I was scared of life and he couldn't be with someone like that, and this new woman offers him things that I don't: 'happiness, joy'. He also told me it was 'none of my business' who it was.
I just don't recognise the version of our marriage he presented me with - to me we have been largely happy with good communication, were sleeping together, got on well, had the same values, had ups and downs of course, but no more than any other long relationship.
I don't recognise this cruel, selfish person as the man I married.
He is sorry for hurting me but doesn't regret it and would rather be single (if he doesn't end up with her) than be with me and our children, so really I have no choice in any of this. I certainly wasn't prepared to beg - it's gone too far - and I didn't.
It's been such a short time - he hasn't even properly moved out yet and I am brokenhearted and endlessly analysing how this happened and why he never talked to me about any of this at any point until it was too late in his eyes.
I'm scared for my future and for the childrens' future, barely functioning, but keeping it together as best I can for them and taking practical steps to sort it out.
What's really messing with my head now is that, while he's quite determined that this is the correct course of action, and even though he's broken all our hearts, he's phoning me up telling me he misses talking to me and spending time with me. I told him that he didn't get to betray me and then enjoy the benefits of my company. He was astonished and said I was throwing away the 18 years of our relationship. I told him that he had done that and I was only prepared to talk to him about practicalities/the children.
I honestly can't stand talking to him right now. Why doesn't he understand how much pain it causes me, and why does he think I would be in any way fine with being his friend 3 weeks after he's detonated our marriage?

Same happened to me :(
All I can say is, sort out financial, file for divorce quick and take care of the children. My youngest has become anorexic due to the distress it all caused. Of course that's my fault now too, because I'm too soft!

[quote ValerieCupcake]**@TotallyUninspired* I did say to him that I wondered how romantic it would all feel when she was wiping his skidmarks off the toilet.*

Is that for real? He is skanky.

I kicked out my gaslighting bullying rapist husband eventually. He had been cheating too. He married the OW but she left him within 18 months.

He left skidmarks in his underpants and left them in the wash basket. He wanked into his socks and left them there too. I just threw them in the bin. He also came into the bathroom when I was having a bath purposely to do a dump. We had a downstairs loo. There was no excuse.[/quote]
That's disgusting, looks like the OW did you massive favour!

Narc.

You’re better off out of it.

So sorry OP.

Try not to take the criticism and blame personally. It ISN’T your fault. Not cycling enough FFS, how ludicrous. But they always do this. Always. Including the increasing criticism and nitpicking as soon as their head is turned elsewhere. Mine had a tantrum because the lamb was too tough. After moaning that our shopping bills on better cuts were too high. And so it went on…. Until I realised the real story.

They need to blame you because they can’t take responsibility/ handle the guilt.

Just keep your eyes forwards and on your kids.

Stay as strong as possible, good luck.

I've read so many things like this on here over the years OP, but yours really stands out. Why? Because your strength and dignity jumps off the page. You're going to be not just fine without him, you're going to be much much better.
He might not realise it yet, but he's been seriously punching being married to you. Wishing you all the best for the future.

Another one here who was given the script. At the time, you fully believe it's true, but deep down, you know the truth and he is trying to assuage any guilt. I felt I had lost my best friend in the world, we were such a perfect match - apart from in bed, where his performance was shit. Looking back though, I am so much better off without him, emotionally, financially and mentally.
Now, I laugh when I think of what the OW has got on her hands - and at him as she is already lying to him and desperate to get her claws on his money. But he is as tight as a ducks arse, so it won't end well.
Stay strong, you are much better off with just the children and I hope you get good news about this new job.

Another one who has been in your shoes OP. Apparently I put a gun at his head and made him shag her. When I told him I wanted a divorce he asked my why because they didn't want to do anything hasty. These men are truly unbelievable. Anyway, he did me a massive favour, I'm so much happier without him and I don't have to wash the skid marks off his dressing gown (seriously). Make sure you make the most of your family legal advice and get every penny you are due.

You do sound very strong OP and I echo other PPs that you stay angry, find out all your legal rights, never take him back, make him have his children, make him pay for his children, stay in the house and hold your head up, because you're worth 1000 of him!
I'm sorry he's done this to you OP but you are one strong, intelligent woman and I reckon that it'll be onwards and upwards for you and your DC very soon! All the very best and a hug!

Stay strong OP. You are doing all the right things.

Don't beg for him to come back.
Don't let him blame you for what's happened.
Don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
Don't discuss anything with him except childcare issues.
Don't entertain the idea of taking him back when she dumps him or their r'ship doesn't work.
Don't analyse what he says / what happened because he's making stuff up to fit his story, and you'll drive yourself mad doing it.

You have better things to spend your time and energy on - you, your children, work, friends, life!!

The Script is written down somewhere (can somewhere link to it?) but it really refers to a pattern of behaviour that so many follow. Also, what does or doesn't happen with the OW is irrelevant. 'my' ow is now married to my ex and they seem happy but it doesn't affect me at all.

@Herejustforthisone

These men all do the exact same thing don’t they? If it wasn’t so shit it would be hilarious. They’re all utterly pathetic.

What is truly awful is that they can all be so incredibly cruel to the women they used to love, just to selfishly allay their own guilt at their own shit actions. The worst bit is their weak minds mean they often believe their own cruel narratives.

This.

They all follow exactly the same pattern, it’s embarrassing.

Op it isn’t you, it’s him. You are doing amazingly well to be able to stand up to his bullshit at this early stage, don’t let him talk you round and keep you as his backup (another thing they all like to do). Let him swan off to his life of blissful happiness with ow without you in reserve. He’ll soon find out that it isn’t all that blissful.

He's been away with the DCs for the last week but is bringing them back today. I can't wait to see the kids but I'm dreading seeing him again. It churns me up so much.

@TotallyUninspired

He's been away with the DCs for the last week but is bringing them back today. I can't wait to see the kids but I'm dreading seeing him again. It churns me up so much.

It will get easier, unfortunately the only way to get over this heart break is to go through it. It will end though i promise

OP

Take it easy. It's so hard and you're doing brilliantly

OP,

You are stronger than you know and you will be one of those women who will look back on this time and be glad he is gone and you didn't waste any more years with him.

It's hilarious he thinks it is unfair you have a solicitor friend. What a dickhead. Cos it's really fair he went off and fucked over his family with an ow?

I would really nail him for this. Let him bleat and whine half truths to his family. Just make sure you and your children are safe from everyone having the rug pulled from under you again. He will do it again given the chance.

Well done on your interview. I really hope something comes of it. Keep us posted. All power to you.

Safe From anyone pulling the rug from under you again is of course what I meant to type.

I am SO angry. Husband moving out tomorrow so I asked him to tell me what times so I could arrange for the children and I not to be there (I have to assume I can trust him not to take anything other than what we've agreed, but I can't be there - it's too upsetting). He was vague but thought probably in and out most of the day after 11am. I started trying to make arrangements.
He then took the kids for a walk, brought them back and said in front of them that he and his friends were coming to load up at 8.30 in the morning and it was fine for the kids to be there - 'They don't mind, do you, kids?' Of course they said it was okay - they're children and want to please him. He knew that I couldn't challenge him on it in front of them. That is shitty behaviour, right? I'm asking because it's hard to trust my own judgement when I'm so angry.

It is shitty behaviour, sadly thats all you'll get from now on in. They agree things and then change it to suit themselves. What you need to always remember is they are no longer the man you thought you were with, or your friend. Sorry you are going through this but it will get better

Yes. Assume he's going to be a shithead from now on.

Don't assume he won't take stuff you haven't agreed on.
I'd want to be there to make sure.
Maybe even move valuable items (jewellery, financial documents, children's passports...?) to a place of safety?
Can you arrange for a friend or relative to be there with you when he comes to collect?

Don't hesitate to take photos of the friends he brings with him.
If they attempt to take anything not agreed, film yourself telling not to take it.
If they continue to remove stuff, ring the police, tell them what is happening and children are in the house.

Don't allow them to remove anything without your agreement.

I'm so sorry he is so awful.

@TotallyUninspired

I am SO angry. Husband moving out tomorrow so I asked him to tell me what times so I could arrange for the children and I not to be there (I have to assume I can trust him not to take anything other than what we've agreed, but I can't be there - it's too upsetting). He was vague but thought probably in and out most of the day after 11am. I started trying to make arrangements. He then took the kids for a walk, brought them back and said in front of them that he and his friends were coming to load up at 8.30 in the morning and it was fine for the kids to be there - 'They don't mind, do you, kids?' Of course they said it was okay - they're children and want to please him. He knew that I couldn't challenge him on it in front of them. That is shitty behaviour, right? I'm asking because it's hard to trust my own judgement when I'm so angry.

It's an early start but If I were you I'd get up and get yourself and the children out of there for the day if that's possible

Update: Got out early for the day with the kids and tried to make the best of it. They are amazing. When we got back he'd left the front door wide open, scratched up a load of paintwork by moving furniture and done a load of washing, leaving mine and the children's wet clothes on the floor. What a class act!
A close friend of his brought me over a dining table (to replace the one he'd taken) and made it very clear that he did not believe or approve of my husband's narrative, and that he's burned a lot of bridges with his actions.
Still haven't heard on the potential job, so it's probably not happening but you never know...

Leaving the front door wide open would have implications for your insurance policy. Communicate to this in writing and request an acknowledgement of his action in writing, to cover yourself for any future events.

With regards to leaving the wet washing on the floor, this sounds like the act of a spiteful individual. Are you sure it was him who did this?

Agree with all the other posters that he is yet another follower of the Script. No, they don't look it up; it's in-built to protect their fragile ego from the damaging effects of guilt.

Prepare yourself for his request to return to you within the year.