I just don't understand why he's doing this

[TotallyUninspired]

Just over three weeks ago after months of increasingly distant, cruel behaviour from him I asked my husband (of 14 years - 2 children) what was going on.
In January he had said that he felt unhappy and confused and 'loved me to bits but the spark had gone a bit'. I asked if there was someone else, he said no. I asked if he was still attracted to me, he said yes. I suggested marriage counselling, he said 'I don't know - I can't talk about this any more now'. I spent the next few weeks/months doing everything I could to spend more time together, talk more, sleep together more, go on dates, etc. I could still feel him pulling further and further away and making no effort at all (he was happy to sleep with me). He left rooms as I entered them, shrugged off my touch and it was like pulling teeth to get him to do anything with me.
This time, when I asked him he said that he 'loved me but was not in love with me', and this time, when I asked again, he told me that he was in love with someone else (also married). He then turned it round and blamed the whole thing on me, coming up with completely random instances from the past when I'd annoyed him by, for example, not telling him he was amazing in bed, not riding my bike enough, not wanting to go to a particular holiday destination one time. When I stood up for myself he got nastier and more personal - attacking my personality, telling me I was scared of life and he couldn't be with someone like that, and this new woman offers him things that I don't: 'happiness, joy'. He also told me it was 'none of my business' who it was.
I just don't recognise the version of our marriage he presented me with - to me we have been largely happy with good communication, were sleeping together, got on well, had the same values, had ups and downs of course, but no more than any other long relationship.
I don't recognise this cruel, selfish person as the man I married.
He is sorry for hurting me but doesn't regret it and would rather be single (if he doesn't end up with her) than be with me and our children, so really I have no choice in any of this. I certainly wasn't prepared to beg - it's gone too far - and I didn't.
It's been such a short time - he hasn't even properly moved out yet and I am brokenhearted and endlessly analysing how this happened and why he never talked to me about any of this at any point until it was too late in his eyes.
I'm scared for my future and for the childrens' future, barely functioning, but keeping it together as best I can for them and taking practical steps to sort it out.
What's really messing with my head now is that, while he's quite determined that this is the correct course of action, and even though he's broken all our hearts, he's phoning me up telling me he misses talking to me and spending time with me. I told him that he didn't get to betray me and then enjoy the benefits of my company. He was astonished and said I was throwing away the 18 years of our relationship. I told him that he had done that and I was only prepared to talk to him about practicalities/the children.
I honestly can't stand talking to him right now. Why doesn't he understand how much pain it causes me, and why does he think I would be in any way fine with being his friend 3 weeks after he's detonated our marriage?

@cleanbreak2022 Thank you for the handhold! I've just read through a couple of your threads and it does sound similar in many ways. It does help to know there are other people going through the same thing - not that I would wish this on anyone. I hope we can both move on and forge better, happier lives.

I don't expect this relationship to last long-term - apart from anything else surely a broke, constantly moaning middle-aged man will start to lose his appeal to a woman in her 20s - and I really want my children kept away from this shitshow as much as possible. I have learned to expect the worst now, though.

the wet laundry thing infuriated me (gawd knows how you must have felt) but it has given you a Gift of a get out clause: ‘Sorry, I didn’t have time‘ to EVERYTHING he asks that you CBA with.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will get over this, it just takes time. You will probably even be grateful. I left my first H due to his constant cheating. It felt like a nightmare at the time - we'd been together for 20 years. This was 14 years ago, and I can honestly say that I'm glad everything happened as it did. I now have a lovely DH who I wouldn't have met otherwise. ExH and I don't speak (his choice), and he just feels like a total stranger to me now. Kids are well over it (in their 20's now).

It's weird about the family though isn't it? ExH parents and siblings never contacted me once, and never spoke to me ever again (after 20 years!!), even though they knew the reason for our split. His very religious parents said

"Well, he was just having a bit of fun, whereas Tortuga is breaking up a family".

So you see, it was me that was the villain of the piece!!

What a load of wankers!

PS. Had he got a good Pension? You will be due half and can take it in cash (from sale of assets).

So did he lie then about OW trying to fix her marriage...of course he did!!!!!!

Yr doing great OP ❤

@TortugaRumCakeQueen It's comforting to hear how far you've moved beyond this. It doesn't feel possible right now! Your ex's family are indeed wankers.
Very up and down this week. After a tortuous phone conversation husband has accepted that I need minimal contact with him (he was angling for friendly chats and being invited in for a cup of tea - 'for the sake of the children'). He genuinely seems to think this is just me being difficult. It really isn't - it's the only way I can cope.
Am waiting to hear back from potential employer on salary tomorrow. Am crossing everything.

My goodness the cheek of him!!! He has left the family home...the OW can make him a cuppa!!!

Hope you have a peaceful weekend

then smirking at me and saying 'no fault divorce, remember'.

Not if you file first on the ground of his adultery / unreasonable behaviour

OP "The one massive thing I have in my favour is access to free legal advice from a family lawyer. My husband is petrified of this and thinks it's 'very unfair'."

don't tell him anything about your legal stuff.

i am so sorry this is happening to you. Full disclosure, I'm not married but something similar happened to a close friend. I was so worried about her at the time - but she is happy now and that will happen for you too, no matter how mad it seems now

God so many men want their cake and to eat it too. He’s missing you, the poor dear. Let him crack on with it. Knob.

I got the job at the salary I pushed for! It's very daunting starting something new at a time like this but the extra money is so needed and I hope that having this big thing to focus on will help me (rather than pushing me over the edge).
Haven't even told the children as I don't want it getting back to their father just yet.
Seeing MiL for the first time tomorrow. Not looking forward to that AT ALL.

Huge congratulations on the job and salary. Have only just read your thread and am so sorry you’re having to go through all this. But you sound amazing and are doing so well. Life can only get better.

@Honeypickle Thank you! I really hope life does improve. I wouldn't wish feeling like this on anyone.

I’m so sorry you’re having a rough time but absolute congratulations 🥳 on your new job!

He is paying maintenance for his kids isn’t he? If not, get onto the CSA Monday first thing! Hopefully that’ll help financially. Also check online if you’re entitled to any benefits and make sure you tell the council you’re a single adult household now, you’ll get 25% off your council tax. Every little helps?

100% the script. When it happened to me I didn't know about the script, and wasn't on mumsnet. So I wasn't sure and doubted myself. Wish I'd known then instead of months later. They rewrite history as rubbishing the marriage is how they justify to themselves and family and friends that that's why you broke up. The alternative would be him having to admit to everyone that he's a twat who exited a good marriage to run off with someone else. His parents will believe the narrative as they would be horrified to accept they have a son with a zero moral compass. Stay strong, and know that it isn't you, and that you deserve so much better. It's hard to see past what's happening now as you're at the beginning of the journey, but you will be ok, just hold on in there.

Congratulations

Congrats on the job.

Dont tell MiL anything, not even about the job. Just sit a listen to her. Although shw may be aopalled at her sons behaviour...blood is thicker than water!

@TotallyUninspired How did it go with the MinL?

@Yankydoodledandy I tried to not-very-subtly form a human barricade with the kids to keep her from coming inside after she dropped them off but she barged past us! She didn't stay long and nothing was discussed so that's all good. Phew!

You’re going to have to tell Bargearse Mil to stop next time. Say “No. There is fine…”

Strange she didnt mention anything - blood is thicker than water!

That’s everything you need to know… She is no ally.
And they’re thick.

I always knew she would be no ally - she'd defend him if he murdered me! I am surprised at his father.
Husband is sticking to my request for minimal contact, which is good, but none of the financial stuff has even been looked at because he still hasn't sent back his forms.
I feel like I have PTSD or something. If I sleep I have awful nightmares and then I wake up and reality is somehow worse.
The kids are being wonderful and my friends and family are being so supportive - they really couldn't do a lot more - but nothing can make this better right now.

"The Script" indeed - as people are saying.

The crux of these problems with men as they head towards middle age is that they cannot accept that everything changes - they do, their spouses do, and so does their life together. They live in a dream world where they think that unless the wild passion and excitement of the early stages of a relationship can be reproduced for decades, then their wives must be letting them down or lacking in something. It certainly cannot be put down to their unrealistic (and indeed childish) expectations!

They see someone else who catches their eye - and that person, for whatever reason, reciprocates and away they go - they do not think, this is very immature of me, I should be recognising life as it is and treasuring the years we have shared together and the security of my home - they plunge in and make up their minds that the fault lies with their partner. And in the process they wreck a perfectly normal happy marriage and cause endless unhappiness to their children, shaking their sense of security, which is so precious as they grow up.

And - guess what? - none of it is their fault.

I do believe that porn plays some part in this - sex in all its forms becomes the be-all and end-all of a relationship and they forget that, while they might not be swinging from the chandeliers, they have by their side someone who loves them and supports them, children who look up to them, years of precious shared memories and the prospect of that support into the future.

We all face temptations outside our primary relationship - we none of us stop noticing when someone is attractive - it is what we do about it that shows our real strength and maturity.

I am so sorry that your OH has fallen victim to all this and that you and the children are having to deal with the fallout. It sounds as though you are being very strong and not falling for the flannel; and holding your head up with self respect intact. He will of course blame it all on you, and I admire your courage in being able to resist his script.

@Mischance Yes. What you have written absolutely sums it up. Any attempt I made initially (I gave up as he's a lost cause) to point out what he was losing was met with 'Yes, it's all very sad but I've got to live my life' or 'Do you expect me to be unhappy for the rest of my life?!'