I just don't understand why he's doing this

[TotallyUninspired]

Just over three weeks ago after months of increasingly distant, cruel behaviour from him I asked my husband (of 14 years - 2 children) what was going on.
In January he had said that he felt unhappy and confused and 'loved me to bits but the spark had gone a bit'. I asked if there was someone else, he said no. I asked if he was still attracted to me, he said yes. I suggested marriage counselling, he said 'I don't know - I can't talk about this any more now'. I spent the next few weeks/months doing everything I could to spend more time together, talk more, sleep together more, go on dates, etc. I could still feel him pulling further and further away and making no effort at all (he was happy to sleep with me). He left rooms as I entered them, shrugged off my touch and it was like pulling teeth to get him to do anything with me.
This time, when I asked him he said that he 'loved me but was not in love with me', and this time, when I asked again, he told me that he was in love with someone else (also married). He then turned it round and blamed the whole thing on me, coming up with completely random instances from the past when I'd annoyed him by, for example, not telling him he was amazing in bed, not riding my bike enough, not wanting to go to a particular holiday destination one time. When I stood up for myself he got nastier and more personal - attacking my personality, telling me I was scared of life and he couldn't be with someone like that, and this new woman offers him things that I don't: 'happiness, joy'. He also told me it was 'none of my business' who it was.
I just don't recognise the version of our marriage he presented me with - to me we have been largely happy with good communication, were sleeping together, got on well, had the same values, had ups and downs of course, but no more than any other long relationship.
I don't recognise this cruel, selfish person as the man I married.
He is sorry for hurting me but doesn't regret it and would rather be single (if he doesn't end up with her) than be with me and our children, so really I have no choice in any of this. I certainly wasn't prepared to beg - it's gone too far - and I didn't.
It's been such a short time - he hasn't even properly moved out yet and I am brokenhearted and endlessly analysing how this happened and why he never talked to me about any of this at any point until it was too late in his eyes.
I'm scared for my future and for the childrens' future, barely functioning, but keeping it together as best I can for them and taking practical steps to sort it out.
What's really messing with my head now is that, while he's quite determined that this is the correct course of action, and even though he's broken all our hearts, he's phoning me up telling me he misses talking to me and spending time with me. I told him that he didn't get to betray me and then enjoy the benefits of my company. He was astonished and said I was throwing away the 18 years of our relationship. I told him that he had done that and I was only prepared to talk to him about practicalities/the children.
I honestly can't stand talking to him right now. Why doesn't he understand how much pain it causes me, and why does he think I would be in any way fine with being his friend 3 weeks after he's detonated our marriage?

So sorry he’s putting you through this.

They always try to absolve themselves by acting the victim, don’t believe him.

You’ll get through this 💐

Why doesn't he understand how much pain it causes me, and why does he think I would be in any way fine with being his friend 3 weeks after he's detonated our marriage?

It's because he's in a state of heavy denial.

In order to pursue his desire for this other woman, he has had to completely cut himself off emotionally from you, mentally manufacture some shaky excuses for why you're actually to blame for his sudden dissatisfaction with his marriage, and see himself as an injured victim when after months of him treating you like a distant stranger instead of his life companion, you start treating him exactly the same way.

A dizzying rush of hormones has him in an extremely narcissistic state right now. His affair partner is probably feeding this intensely by telling him how amazing he is and how he deserves so much more than what he's been getting out of your marriage. He has no empathy for you because allowing himself to have any empathy for you would mean he has to take a long hard look at the reality of his choices.

You haven't said much about his affair partner but if she's not someone he's known well for years, you can have a lot of confidence that this affair will end in tears for him eventually.

Do not allow him to weasel out of any of the responsibilities he chose when he committed to you in marriage and had children. The law is on your side here.

When I read threads like yours OP it just shocks me....do these men get this script imprinted in them at birth? You are going through exactly what many of us have been through. Its carbon copy to the script I had many years ago. This is what I did, I did a 180 degree turn. I gave him what he wanted...his exit from me to be with the OW. I stopped all communication (if you can just keep the communication about the children then thats enough). This phoning you to tell you he misses you is just him keeping you on the back burner in case OW doesnt work out. I would get silent and put the phone down if he starts going on to you either about how he feels you are the cause of the breakdown or if he tells you he misses you. Give him what he wants...his freedom and wave him off. Its very hard OP but never, ever do the pick me dance. Once you get yourself on this track it will be quicker for you to get over him and when he begs you to return to him you wont want anything to do with him. Sorry you are going through this....many of us have had this happen and came out bigger, stronger and happier without these wimps hanging around our necks x

How does the saying go - lose a cheater, gain a life... (Chumplady, I think).

So true. Be prepared for him to come back with his tail between his legs at some point. Make sure you stay strong and don't fall for this shit because this humpty really cannot be put back together again.

Can you focus on financials and make sure you don't get shafted? Gather all documentation, including the all important pensions, and find a lawyer who knows what they're doing. Your future self will thank you.

Echo what everyone else has said. As he has ended things he does not get to play happy families, can't disrespect you and think he can have it both ways. I'm furious that despite saying he "felt this way" he was still sleeping with you. If you every get a chance in future make sure the other woman knows that, speaks volumes as to character
So practical stuff now - financials etc. He hadn't see the harsh reality of only certain visits with the kids etc. You will get through this. Change is hard and never easy. Hold your head high and know your worth 💐

This often happens when the mum/ wife is such a wonderful wife/ mother, men take them for granted.

First thing you need to do is stop cooking, doing the laundry, mental admin for him and the family members on his side; and tidying up after him or his half of the childcare.

Get legal advice and tell him in an email you will stay in the house, want half his pension and and do fun stuff with your DC and don't invite him.

It's only when reality hits them with bricks that he doesn't actually get to check out of the 'drudgery of family life'.

Make it difficult and expensive for him and see how long it takes before the ow starts washing his pants!

Good luck, keep doing fun things and don't give him the satisfaction of being a doormat to his wishes

It's funny how these things are the things that men often take for granted the wife will do, and when the wife work stops they start to realise the truth.

Too late! Good luck with the next stage in your life which will be great because you are a great person

I have nothing new to add to PPs other than to say you sound so strong already. Hold I got the anger for now. It will help with these first few months

I told him that he didn't get to betray me and then enjoy the benefits of my company. He was astonished and said I was throwing away the 18 years of our relationship. I told him that he had done that and I was only prepared to talk to him about practicalities/the children

Round of applause - OP that's the perfect line to take with him

Just keep on going. Look after your DC and have fun with them. Let out your feelings to a counsellor, stawart friends and on here.

I can’t add anything much either. It’s the Script, it happened to me, it will happen to many more after you and me. They seem to have to rewrite history to justify their own shitty actions.

I think you’re doing so well. Maintaining your dignity, not pretending it’s all ok, not letting him forget this actually isn’t about him, that he has responsibilities to the children and to you. Get some legal advice and personal therapy if you need them to get what you deserve. And take heart, happened to me after 30 years. 7 years on, much happier place, wouldn’t go back.

@OhSoStranger

Do not trust this man. You are doing the right thing - only speak to him about the divorce or kids. Get him out of there and start your new life.

^^ this x 100

I know, I've been there.

I felt sick reading this as this is exactly what happened to me. I didn't have mumsnet when it did and didn't know about this script. But in the 5 years since it happened, I've lost count of the number of these posts. I still don't understand this inbuilt mechanism in cheating men to follow the same story, quite scary really. I'm so sorry it is happening to you but it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

He will turn on you. You won't recognise him. Use the knowledge in these replies rather than what I did, trying to pick through the How's and whys. It took years to accept and lots of therapy.

Sadly, the divorce part was so awful. If that is on the cards, try to get everything sorted in the tiny window there may still be some guilt, after that they can go into full enemy mode.

You are worth 100x better than this deluded tosser OP. You sound like an intelligent, strong woman.
I wish all the best.

There are stories like yours on here every day Op - read the relationships board.

He is totally following the Script. The truth is he has been perfectly happy with you (not to mention enjoying sex with your whilst shagging the OW) but now he has decided to be with the OW (as it's more exciting and she tells him how fab he is in bed obvs) he will blame everything on you. Nothing can ever be these mens fault, so they will find arbitrary reasons and petty instances over the years to justify their behaviour (not riding your fucking BIKE enough?? Was that the best he could come up with?) and he will gaslight and gaslight and gaslight you over and over again until you are twisted in knots trying to work out if YOU are the one who's at fault.
Now you are taking control he's having a bit of a falter and trying to keep his foot in the door with you (as so often happens when they start to think maybe, just maybe the grass isn't quite so green on the other side - probably OW isn't quite as willing to leave her spouse now your dickhead dh has pushed the button). These men don't like not having at least ONE willing woman to have sex with!!

Don't let him back OP. You know this. Get yourself to a solicitor with copies of all financials and get this arsehole in the bin!

He didn't necessarily wish to hurt you or the children but the relationship has run its course. Long term relationships can become tedious and stale and it takes real commitment to sustain them. Some people fight to make their relationships work whilst others bail out honestly or cheat. He has tasted the excitement of a new relationship. Be strong. Find out where you stand financially. Sort out housing/custody etc....it's gonna hurt like hell but you'll get through this.

Some brilliant insight and advice on here OP. My ex followed the script to the fucking letter too.

Once the reality of living with Miss Fanny Pelmet 2001 kicked in, he asked to come back. I was heartbroken but he had had an emotional affair prior to her and I could see this was just how he ran his life. I was about to buy him out of our house too. I said no chance and he went back to her. He only stuck it for another nine months and moved into a renter on his own.

You will get over this initial grief and get angry. Keep the anger for as long as you can is my advice. Nurture it and feed it and keep it alive as it will carry you through to the point you are free of him entirely and by that time things will look so different you will wonder why you lifted a finger to try and please him let alone everything else that you did.

You are not the one in the wrong here. The bloom will go off the rose pretty soon with the OW. They have started out as a lie after all. See this as a marathon and not a sprint. Wait and watch and you will see.

Thanks again for all your messages. It really does help when you feel like the stupidest, most humiliated woman on earth to know that it's happened before. A lot. And people survived it.

Financially, we're pretty screwed - we relied on being a two-income household. For now I'm trying to do everything I can to ensure that I can stay in the house with the children for at least the next couple of years. It will have to be sold in the end but I need the time to regroup and work out what to do next.

Bizarrely (I know this sounds like an unrealistic soap opera), I was contacted about a potential job with better money two days after this all kicked off. While all this has been going on I've had an interview on Zoom (on the day he moved out to a friend's), completed a work sample and had a second interview. It probably won't work out but I'm proud that I summoned the strength to do that.

The one massive thing I have in my favour is access to free legal advice from a family lawyer. My husband is petrified of this and thinks it's 'very unfair'.

I haven't talked much about the other woman because it's too painful to think about. As far as I am aware, she is trying to work on her marriage now and her husband is blaming himself completely for the whole thing, with my pathetic husband waiting hopefully on the sidelines. She's a lot younger and childless, but I don't have the energy to waste on her. I did say to him that I wondered how romantic it would all feel when she was wiping his skidmarks off the toilet.

He persists in his assertion that the affair is basically irrelevant and a symptom rather than the cause. The fact that his great unhappiness exactly coincides with meeting her for the first time is being furiously denied.

You have your head screwed on OP. You are going to be so ok, better even.

as far as I am aware, she is trying to work on her marriage now

Ah, Quelle surprise! Don't let him worm his way back in with you Op - because you know he'll try.

You sound really strong and like you're doing very well so far - and best of luck with the job interview. He really doesn't deserve you one bit. He honestly sounds like a right dickhead.

Really excited for you op!! How fantastic you have your lawyer!! That's going to be on the back of his mind from now on 😅 so milk it!!!!

Tell him you are staying in the family home until the youngest turns 18, tell him legal advice is that he will only get 25% of any divorce settlement, say whatever you like it doesn't have to be true because it will get him worrying if it hits men in the pocket or balls enough it will give them erectile dysfunction and no ££ to show off to the ow

Enjoy turning the screws

Hilarious that she's working on her marriage now, your poor poor DH!! So unfair! :p

Fucking hell, another one. Be prepared for him to come crawling back when the OW dumps him.

@HellToTheNope

Fucking hell, another one. Be prepared for him to come crawling back when the OW dumps him.

She already has!

@RoyKentsChestHair

I’m so sorry but this is 100% The Script. He’s followed it word for word. Have a Google and find the rest of it because it sounds like you can predict every move he makes from now on. It’s tragic how unoriginal these men are.

FWIW they have to pretend you’re the worst wife ever to preserve their own ego, otherwise they’d have to accept what a monumental cheating prick they are. I’m so sorry

When you talk about 'the script' and they follow it, do you mean that men look this up? Or is it inherent in them and they instinctively know what to do?

@TotallyUninspired I did say to him that I wondered how romantic it would all feel when she was wiping his skidmarks off the toilet.

Is that for real? He is skanky.

I kicked out my gaslighting bullying rapist husband eventually. He had been cheating too. He married the OW but she left him within 18 months.

He left skidmarks in his underpants and left them in the wash basket. He wanked into his socks and left them there too. I just threw them in the bin. He also came into the bathroom when I was having a bath purposely to do a dump. We had a downstairs loo. There was no excuse.

I haven't talked much about the other woman because it's too painful to think about.

Good. The other woman is irrelevant. He made choices without thinking of you or your family and only thinking of himself. She may well be a symptom - but he is the cause of your marriage breakdown not you.