I just don't understand why he's doing this

[TotallyUninspired]

Just over three weeks ago after months of increasingly distant, cruel behaviour from him I asked my husband (of 14 years - 2 children) what was going on.
In January he had said that he felt unhappy and confused and 'loved me to bits but the spark had gone a bit'. I asked if there was someone else, he said no. I asked if he was still attracted to me, he said yes. I suggested marriage counselling, he said 'I don't know - I can't talk about this any more now'. I spent the next few weeks/months doing everything I could to spend more time together, talk more, sleep together more, go on dates, etc. I could still feel him pulling further and further away and making no effort at all (he was happy to sleep with me). He left rooms as I entered them, shrugged off my touch and it was like pulling teeth to get him to do anything with me.
This time, when I asked him he said that he 'loved me but was not in love with me', and this time, when I asked again, he told me that he was in love with someone else (also married). He then turned it round and blamed the whole thing on me, coming up with completely random instances from the past when I'd annoyed him by, for example, not telling him he was amazing in bed, not riding my bike enough, not wanting to go to a particular holiday destination one time. When I stood up for myself he got nastier and more personal - attacking my personality, telling me I was scared of life and he couldn't be with someone like that, and this new woman offers him things that I don't: 'happiness, joy'. He also told me it was 'none of my business' who it was.
I just don't recognise the version of our marriage he presented me with - to me we have been largely happy with good communication, were sleeping together, got on well, had the same values, had ups and downs of course, but no more than any other long relationship.
I don't recognise this cruel, selfish person as the man I married.
He is sorry for hurting me but doesn't regret it and would rather be single (if he doesn't end up with her) than be with me and our children, so really I have no choice in any of this. I certainly wasn't prepared to beg - it's gone too far - and I didn't.
It's been such a short time - he hasn't even properly moved out yet and I am brokenhearted and endlessly analysing how this happened and why he never talked to me about any of this at any point until it was too late in his eyes.
I'm scared for my future and for the childrens' future, barely functioning, but keeping it together as best I can for them and taking practical steps to sort it out.
What's really messing with my head now is that, while he's quite determined that this is the correct course of action, and even though he's broken all our hearts, he's phoning me up telling me he misses talking to me and spending time with me. I told him that he didn't get to betray me and then enjoy the benefits of my company. He was astonished and said I was throwing away the 18 years of our relationship. I told him that he had done that and I was only prepared to talk to him about practicalities/the children.
I honestly can't stand talking to him right now. Why doesn't he understand how much pain it causes me, and why does he think I would be in any way fine with being his friend 3 weeks after he's detonated our marriage?

Sounds like you did the right thing in resigning, @TotallyUninspired .
Also, I feel a vicarious sense of satisfaction on reading that HH's life is horrible now.

Hello @TotallyUninspired, I've just read through your posts and wanted to say how in awe I am of you. I think you're doing amazingly well under the circumstances. This time next year, I hope you will feel proud of how you've got through this.

It's a bit of a bugger that the job didn't work out but you had the courage to leave instead of cling on and let it grind you down. It sounds like you'll be ok with the freelance work for now. Don't stop applying for jobs, you'll find something better paid that suits you.

Hope you can have a lovely weekend.

Thanks @CoalTit and @Gettingthereslowly2020. I really wanted to be a kickass bitch and the extra money would have made a huge difference, but there's not much point if it makes me so stressed I can't even look after the kids or myself properly. On the plus side, getting rid of the job stress has made the divorce stress seem more manageable - a bit like A Squash and a Squeeze!

"When we got back he'd .... done a load of washing, leaving mine and the children's wet clothes on the floor"
For me, this is the reason you must continue to be strong and resist his blandishments. I don't know why, but it makes me more outraged than all the other things he did to you and his children. It's like it's symbolic of all the other things.

@TotallyUninspired how are? Was just wondering about you

Mine did the same, 21 long happy years together then he left for someone younger at work (Her 19, Him 46), Overnight he became a stranger that just looked like him, He started flipping everything about or relationship around, An example: With me he always hated going out for drinks, As soon as he left he was telling everyone I was controlling and he now had his life back, That he wanted to get out there, have a few drinks with mates and make up for his lost life because of me not allowing him to drink!

His list was also pathetic.

He didn't tell me about the other woman btw.. Instead he faked depression for six months as he pulled away from me (as far as getting anti depressants and throwing them away) telling me he left as he wasn't well enough to continue the relationship.

I'm four years on now and never even think of him anymore. The odd time when I do think of it all I sometimes go to his (public) facebook page and have to admit it makes me laugh when I see the pictures of when they first got together, Him sat in a pub with a bunch of 19 year olds looking like he's there dropping his grandkids off for a night out! He dresses like them now, Listens to rap music, the list is as endless as the changes in him.

Been happily single ever since and don't want another relationship.

Don't take him back.. make a new life for yourself and find happiness x

That would make me laugh too @ihtmt !!!

Hope you are doing well, OP :-) keep
rereading that list of ridiculous comments and gaslighting to remind you what you are FREE of.

I think your husband will either convince himself forever that it was your behaviour that ended the marriage to absolve his own guilt and move on, or come to his senses one day and think 'what the fuck have I done?!' But that's of no concern to you. It's really hard but the only way you can get over this is by focusing entirely on yourself and keeping busy.

It's good that you are getting counselling, I think it's impossible without. If you can afford it maybe you can find a different one that is also a couple's counsellor (on your own obviously) because I find they do give advice about making sense of the situation. Not everyone says that's the best way to do counselling but I found it very helpful. I found watching you tube videos about dealing with break ups helped me too. It's not a long term solution but it keeps you occupied until you start to feel better. Then before you know it your life has improved in lots of ways it never would have before. Takes a while though.

The wanting to remain friends witj you is the truth about your marriage, but he just couldn't help wanting to be unfaithful and blow it all up because he is selfish.

I think the more distance you put between you, the clearer you will see and admit the real person her actually was.

You sound like a great woman and mum.

Hi @Yankydoodledandy. Very kind of you to check in. I have just been trying to get on with things. However, at the beginning of this week he turned up on the doorstep and said that he had made a terrible mistake that he would never forgive himself for and that he thought he'd had a mental breakdown. It only lasted with the OW for a couple of weeks, he'd never stopped loving me, we did have a good marriage and he had completely rewritten history. He said the OW still wants to be with him but he wants nothing to do with her (I have investigated that and it appears to be true - she's going around saying she loves him and wants to have a family with him).
Though he wants another chance I don't think I could ever move past what he did and the way he behaved. I don't trust that his feelings are stable now either. I had a joint counselling session with him, which was overall positive, but I think for me it's more with a view to having a better co-parenting relationship. I started another thread about this and the overwhelming response was that I should absolutely tell him to fuck off and that I was mad to consider the counselling session. I think it was helpful, though. We're still separated and I don't foresee that changing.

Oh OP he has followed the scrip to yhe tee....absolutely spot on!!!!

Exact same happened to me came back, all a mistake I took him.back...BIG MISTAKE, trust was gone, 2 years on I detest him and cant wait to kick him out soon

Great that you've checked in.
Just in reading that last post I get a sense you're a little uncertain on your position & you're being very very considerate to your exs position/state. I hear in your post you're still framing the situation from his eyes & listening to how he feels & would like. It is a really hard shift to go from your role as partner & what sounds like his rock, to a place where your needs & wants are priorities.
I think you might need to keep affirming what it is that your wants & wishes are because there's a risk you'll be swept into what his are. If it's coparenting only discuss the logistics of that, if it's divorce only talk about those mechanics. It's irrelevant to hear whether he 'now' decides after his lies & dalliances that he had it good before & wants to come back. (Don't get me started on mental breakdown - that's an insult. Every single step to deceive & unzipping of his flies was not a mental disorder it was a purposeful act he took to disrespect your marriage & convince you that you were the cause)
Just keep reminding yourself that you, your esteem & DC matter more than his regrets. If he wants to chat about them, he chats to someone else. In the meantime you heal & discuss with him only important parenting matters. You're worth ten of him.

Great post.

Just like he rewrote your marriage and relationship to justify his cheating and nastiness, he is now doing the EXACT same thing again to rewrite his recent behaviour.

Mental breakdown my arse, more like mid life surge of lust and selfishness.

OP, please take @tract's advice and start trying to think about yourself.

It might temporarily seem like a second chance is the easier option, it is in fact the much harder one.

You will never be able to trust him again and trust what he says.

I always think when I read threads like this that if it was me, married 30 years, I might indeed get over a fling, shit happens, BUT the ugliness and nastiness of his words and behaviour, justifying himself?

Nope, that I would never forget and get over that.

I would NEVER allow myself for forget THAT behaviour.

You deserve better than him OP.

He doesn't deserve the opportunity to do this again, and I simply would never believe a word out of a man that could be so nasty and inflict so much hurt on his wife.

Whatever he feels for you, it certainly isn't love.

Don't give him the chance to do this again.

Write down what he said, all of it, and read it to remind yourself, when you feel you might weaken in your resolve.

@trackerc You're right in everything you say. At this stage I don't think it would be normal if I didn't have mixed feelings because both paths are incredibly hard and it's only been 4 months since it happened. Honestly, I would just like to go to sleep for a year. I feel so broken.

@TotallyUninspired You're right it is normal. So just remind yourself you're still in early phases of unraveling this awful tale that you have been sideblinded by so don't feel pressured to do anything or serve anyone.
In fact maybe just lay out a little draft timescale for yourself. It might be that you tell yourself you make no big decisions on anything (such as him asking you to take him back) until end of Oct, or Christmas. Give yourself breathing space. And time to watch & see. Take care

I think you might need to keep affirming what it is that your wants & wishes are because there's a risk you'll be swept into what his are. If it's coparenting only discuss the logistics of that, if it's divorce only talk about those mechanics. It's irrelevant to hear whether he 'now' decides after his lies & dalliances that he had it good before & wants to come back. ... Just keep reminding yourself that you, your esteem & DC matter more than his regrets.

I agree with everything trackerc and other PP have said, especially this.

Stay strong, OP. You've started healing. Don't let him drag you back and undo that good work.

@TotallyUninspired when I first read about your situation I felt very sad that you had to experience this but also, if I'm honest, I was intrigued how such a change could have come about in him. Do you have any theories about how this has happened, and what caused him to do the 180? People say 'oh, they realise the grass isn't greener' but that doesn't really explain what's happened nor why it happened does it?

@TotallyUninspired just checking in with you.

So how's it all going? Anymore councilling???

You ok @TotallyUninspired

Get the book Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. There is a blog and Facebook group called Chump Lady and Chump Nation. It will explain eveything and help you. I promise.

Your husband is a dick. What you have written has happened to me. I'm telling you, he had checked out and he won't be checking back in.

Time for you to tell him to fuck off and get on without him. He is a selfish, entitled prick. Let him see what a sad little life he will have without you and you go and rock the rest of your life without his ridiculous, pathetic ego.

💐

OO hasnt been on for a while, hoping she's ok x

@Yankydoodledandy I am okay! Have been away for a few days with the kids, which was hard at times but mostly lovely. The counselling continues and I think it is helping. My overwhelming feeling at the moment is that I deserve better than this weak, selfish man.

@TotallyUninspired so pleased yr ok. I do wonder how you're doing. Sending you ((hugs))

Too right you deserve better than ‘this weak and selfish man’ ! If you have any doubts, reread your first post - he’s not only weak and selfish, but thoroughly unkind, nasty and a cheating liar. You deserve a million times better! 💐

Yep you do deserve better...keep saying that to yourself