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Original poster

Upset by his choice of ring

222 replies

Carat555 · 06/04/2022 13:52

Right....I'm a bit of a lover of jewellery, never had anything nice except for my mum's diamond ring after she passed.
I have had a Pinterest board for years fantasied about having a lovely one maybe one day.
So my boyfriend said he intended proposing but when he did I was very underwhelmed because what he has chosen is not what I had in mind. It's tiny and looks a bit naff on my fat fingers.
He told me he'd spent a grand on it which surprised me and I would have much rather he bought second hand I knew my thoughts on this but said he wanted new.
I saw the receipt and it cost 600 so I felt put out he'd not been truthful.
To be honest I'm embarrassed when people ask to see my ring.
After all this before I get shot down, I love him and accepted it gracefully and have not said anything to him because I know it's about marrying him and not the ring! I'm just disappointed he knows my passion but didn't think about my feelings in this and I have to wear it forever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Carat555 · 07/04/2022 08:20

I just found it odd that he mentioned at proposal how much he'd spent (no need) and he also said he'd liked it to have been bigger, because I think he knows I would have liked that. I don't care what he'd spent just the fact that a) he knew I wouldn't like it and b) he over egged the price.
I've seen it on the jewellers website so I might mention that I think they charged him wrong as this is not what he said he'd paid and see what his reaction is, but then he'll wonder why I was looking, I actually wanted to see the carat. I was always pointing out rings on auction sites and the jeweller he chose was one he knew I'd used when I had a ring remodelled. I kept showing him rings on their insta dropping hints. I knew he'd had a windfall of 2k recently and he's used part of this to pay for it.
As I've read the posts I just think he lied to make me think he'd spent more than he did, I just wished he hadn't because I am more than happy with his budget just I know I could have got more for that, he wanted to choose it himself which was important to him so I guess I have to accept that.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/04/2022 08:24

Forget the ring for a minute. Is he usually a bit tight with money? I'm not saying that he didn't spend enough, just that he let you think he spent £1000 when he didn't, and actually spent not much more than half of that.

It also sounds as though you think he doesn't value you very highly. Is that right?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 07/04/2022 08:28

@Carat555

I know he can afford more but chose not to just a shame make me feel I'm not worth it
You say this and then say you don't care about the price, you clearly do. If you don't like the ring, tell him, and change it for something you do like.
Original poster
Carat555 · 07/04/2022 08:51

@HollowTalk

Forget the ring for a minute. Is he usually a bit tight with money? I'm not saying that he didn't spend enough, just that he let you think he spent £1000 when he didn't, and actually spent not much more than half of that.

It also sounds as though you think he doesn't value you very highly. Is that right?

I just feel sad he's felt the need to inflate the price or even tell me at all How would you all feel? Am I overthinking this?
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/04/2022 09:11

I think if you can't speak to him about this openly then it's worrying you're going to get married, as you should be able to have this discussion about something that's important to you.

TabithaTittlemouse · 07/04/2022 09:16

@Carat555

I know he can afford more but chose not to just a shame make me feel I'm not worth it
It sounds like you don’t like him much!

He lies, you can’t communicate and drop little hints instead. Think careful before getting married.

Teeturtle · 07/04/2022 09:31

@Tittyfilarious

It's a ring ,I think the important thing here is that he proposed and made an effort to choose a ring for you
So she should be grateful and wear a ring she doesn’t like and doesn’t suit her every day for the rest of her life? You could just as easily say he should be honoured she said yes. I’m glad my now husband respected me enough to think I would want to have a say.

OP, you either bite the bullet and tell him or you wear the ring. I would put it as “I want to talk to you about the ring. It is beautiful, but I don’t think it suits me…”. See how it goes from there.

Thatsplentyjack · 07/04/2022 09:43

I hate it when men is isn't in choosing the ring, it's ridiculous. You are the one who has to wear the bloody thing. When we were looking at engagement rings my dp picked out some absolute horrors. I don't know why because he usually knows me so well. I chose mine myself. He was there but didn't get a say.
Tell him it's not your style and you would like to go swap it. If he's offended by that that's on him. He should have taken your hints on board and actually listened to you, and shouldn't have lied about the amount he spent. That would annoy me more to be honest.

dfendyr · 07/04/2022 09:44

@PurpleDaisies

But …do you really want to marry someone who lies about money to guilt-trip you into accepting something you wouldn’t have chosen?

Guilt tripping the op into accepting it is a leap.

He told me he'd spent a grand on it which surprised me and I would have much rather he bought second hand I knew my thoughts on this but said he wanted new. I saw the receipt and it cost 600 so I felt put out he'd not been truthful.

A liar is a liar - why would he tell OP he spent nearly twice as much as he did?

When someone tells you who they are - listen (this comes up a lot in MN, but it is true)

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/04/2022 09:59

The price of the ring wouldn't bother me as I really don't place value on how much something costs, but I would worry about why he had felt the need to lie and want to have a chat about that.

My engagement ring cost my exh nothing. It was my late grandma's ring that my parents had paid to have reset for me as it was wearing very thin at the back from years of wear.

My ex knew that I would like that ring as my engagement ring so he proposed with that and i loved it. It wasn't flashy and nothing like the rings friends were being proposed to with but it meant so much to me.

Gutted that we are now divorcing and I can no longer wear it but I still have it.

I don't want to get married again but if I did, I don't think i'd even bother with a ring. Id' rather spend the money on other things and I'm not a massive jewellery wearer.

sorryforswearing · 07/04/2022 10:14

Why can’t you wear it? Just swop it to the other hand? It’s a family heirloom.

CharSiu · 07/04/2022 10:26

Small ring that’s not to your taste isn’t the issue so much as that’s all about a personal emotional response. What I don’t like is him lying and saying it cost almost twice as much, that you don’t feel you can discuss it with him and that he didn’t listen to your DD.

Original poster
Carat555 · 07/04/2022 10:43

@CharSiu

Small ring that’s not to your taste isn’t the issue so much as that’s all about a personal emotional response. What I don’t like is him lying and saying it cost almost twice as much, that you don’t feel you can discuss it with him and that he didn’t listen to your DD.
I know you are right I think he knew when he bought it but knows I'm not the type to complain and I'd accept gracefully. What bothers me is he didn't really want to please me. If it were me I wouldn't be happy knowing I'd bought something he wouldn't love but because he said I wished it could be bigger he made out he would have liked to have spent more but couldn't, whereas I know if he'd really wanted to he could have but didn't. I'm waffling now!
OP posts:
PussInBin20 · 07/04/2022 10:44

Like you I would have been upset at him telling me the price at proposal. Why on earth did he do that ? And even worse that it wasn’t actually the price he paid.

I would also have been a bit miffed when he said he would have liked it to be bigger because he obviously knew you would have liked it bigger as well but still went ahead anyway and worse that he basically pointed this out!

Also you said your DD told him you wouldn’t like it but again still bought it. I would rather have had a cheaper ring if some actual thought had gone into it and I guess you would too.

Time for an honest conversation I think as it doesn’t bode well for your future.

Original poster
Carat555 · 07/04/2022 10:50

@PussInBin20

Like you I would have been upset at him telling me the price at proposal. Why on earth did he do that ? And even worse that it wasn’t actually the price he paid.

I would also have been a bit miffed when he said he would have liked it to be bigger because he obviously knew you would have liked it bigger as well but still went ahead anyway and worse that he basically pointed this out!

Also you said your DD told him you wouldn’t like it but again still bought it. I would rather have had a cheaper ring if some actual thought had gone into it and I guess you would too.

Time for an honest conversation I think as it doesn’t bode well for your future.

Absolutely....all of this
OP posts:
Original poster
Carat555 · 07/04/2022 10:52

And the fact it doesn't bode well for our future is incredibly sad because I love him so much.
I'm sat here crying and telling myself to pull myself together because I'm being pathetic given what's going on in the world.

OP posts:
YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 07/04/2022 10:52

I too would be disappointed, and hurt by the lies.
The budget for my engagement ring, 48 years ago, was tiny in comparison to what people spend nowadays but we both looked for one that would be special.
It’s not big and flashy but to me it’s unique and precious.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/04/2022 10:55

The worst part is that your DD told him you wouldn't like it but he didn't care. I think with an engagement ring unless your OH really knows your taste/the style of ring you like then they should let you pick your own or he could have at least brought your DD with him when picking it. You do have to wear that ring everyday forever more.

My DH proposed with a cheap ring and then we picked my real one together

FixTheBone · 07/04/2022 10:56

@Wnkingawalrus

But …do you really want to marry someone who lies about money to guilt-trip you into accepting something you wouldn’t have chosen?

Maybe he was embarrassed he couldn’t afford more?

Agree, or maybe the receipt was for the balance, and he'd paid a deposit earlier?
AryaStarkWolf · 07/04/2022 10:58

@YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp

I too would be disappointed, and hurt by the lies. The budget for my engagement ring, 48 years ago, was tiny in comparison to what people spend nowadays but we both looked for one that would be special. It’s not big and flashy but to me it’s unique and precious.
This is the thing, it's not about being materialistic or spending a massive amount, it's about getting a style that you like and that suits you, it's important for something you're going to be looking at for the foreseeable future everyday that you actually like it
clpsmum · 07/04/2022 11:00

@Carat555

True, I just don't want to look like I'm ungrateful. I like it but it just doesn't look right on me.
It is ungrateful though. He spent £600 on it and you're moaning because it's not big enough basically
clpsmum · 07/04/2022 11:02

Ignore my last comment I didn't read properly. Just speak to him. He obviously knew you would be disappointed that's why he lied. Just be honest with him and hopefully he will do the same x

Tittyfilarious · 07/04/2022 11:03

Honestly op if you really really don't like it and really can't see yourself wearing it for many years to come you have to tell him it's better to have a conversation and explain why you want to change it than to be so upset over it

AfterSchoolWorry · 07/04/2022 11:05

@Carat555

I don't want to offend him
He needs to be offended.

Cheapskate!

No way would I wear a tiny, shitty ring on my big hand! Nope.

billy1966 · 07/04/2022 11:06

@roarfeckingroarr

He's both cheap, disinterested in something you care about - and a liar who didn't listen to your daughter. Why are you marrying him?
In a nutshell.

Start thinking about the above and what you have learned about him.

He's cheap.
He's mean.
He's a liar.
He doesn't care about making this special.
He deliberately chose to ignore your daughter telling him that you wouldn't like it.

Do not marry this man and bring him into your daughter's life.

You should be choosing the ring NOT him.
It is to be worn on your finger.

This is a very timely heads up that this man is not honest.

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