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Original poster

Upset by his choice of ring

222 replies

Carat555 · 06/04/2022 13:52

Right....I'm a bit of a lover of jewellery, never had anything nice except for my mum's diamond ring after she passed.
I have had a Pinterest board for years fantasied about having a lovely one maybe one day.
So my boyfriend said he intended proposing but when he did I was very underwhelmed because what he has chosen is not what I had in mind. It's tiny and looks a bit naff on my fat fingers.
He told me he'd spent a grand on it which surprised me and I would have much rather he bought second hand I knew my thoughts on this but said he wanted new.
I saw the receipt and it cost 600 so I felt put out he'd not been truthful.
To be honest I'm embarrassed when people ask to see my ring.
After all this before I get shot down, I love him and accepted it gracefully and have not said anything to him because I know it's about marrying him and not the ring! I'm just disappointed he knows my passion but didn't think about my feelings in this and I have to wear it forever.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 06/04/2022 15:46

You had better make up your mind about the ring, and not ask others what you should do. If you are the type of person, who is going to be annoyed about it, or eternally fret about it, then speak to your partner about it, and see what he says . He must have thought it was nice when he bought the ring.

Brideandprejudice · 06/04/2022 15:46

What's in the stone? Even a 1 carat diamond is at least 5/6 times what he spent these days.

Femalewoman · 06/04/2022 15:47

Carat555
"I know he can afford more but chose not to just a shame make me feel I'm not worth it"

Shallow, grabby. Are you spending £600 of him as a present? Why is a woman supposed to get a ring from a man, it's not 1800. Equal rights and all. Just shows some woman love to be provided for and still see men as someone to provide/pay for them.

Thatsajokeright · 06/04/2022 15:47

@theprincessofliechtenstein

I think this is quite a bad sign.

Not because I believe only an expensive ring shows love (I actually don't believe in rings for weddings) but because YOU clearly value and appreciate fancy jewellery, and your boyfriend either didn't know you well enough to take that into account, or knew it and then decided not to get one to your taste anyway.

Lying about the value is a very bad sign that it's the latter not the former.

You need to say, nicely, I love you, but I dislike this ring and I would rather have another ring to be my engagement ring to wear for the rest of my life. Can we return this and pick another together?

His reaction to that will be telling. If he loves you and is a nice person, he will be slightly embarrassed and enthusiastic about picking one together. If he gets grumpy, I'd hesitate to spend the rest of my life with him.

This, OP.

Everyone slatting you for being superficial is missing the point.

This man disregarded your feelings/wishes about the kind of ring you want. AND THEN LIED TO YOUR FACE about how much it cost so you'd feel guilty for complaining.

If he makes you feel bad for wanting a different ring I would very seriously be reconsidering the relationship.

His actions are very deliberate here.

SareBear87 · 06/04/2022 15:49

My ExH did this... I ended up buying something (at my own expense) I liked after a lot of huffing from him. I just felt zero effort had been put into finding something just for me, he ignore my likes/dislikes and just went for "that's a deal, I'll have that"

DH on the other hand spent a year hunting, quizzing friends/family, observing my "ooooh that's pretty comments" when we walked past fancy places. The ring he picked is perfect, even down to the ring size.

Call me an old romantic but surely it's not the value of the item, it's the time taken to find something personal?

If you don't feel it's personal, I'd be upset too!

SpidersAreShitheads · 06/04/2022 15:51

My DP bought me my engagement ring without me knowing. I have fat little sausage fingers and said I didn't mind what ring he got me but not a solitaire preferably.

Of course he bought me a solitaire. He's not really a jewellery person so didn't realise/remember. He just saw a ring that was a bit quirky (it's offset) and thought I'd love it.

The quirkiness of the ring is lovely but it's a solitaire, and I don't like solitaires. I also didn't think it suited my fingers. But I never said anything because I knew his feelings would be hurt. And actually when I thought about it, what mattered the most was that he had chosen this ring for me. All on his own. He's never done anything like that before so it was really special, especially as it's not something he finds easy.

My ring was also £600 so I guess by your standards my DP doesn't think much of me either.

Anyway, two years on I bloody love my ring. When I wear a wedding ring, they will go together really well without being too cumbersome or chunky. It took me a while to fall in love with my engagement ring but now I'd never, ever change my ring. And I still adore the fact that he chose it for me.

Whooshaagh · 06/04/2022 15:51

@Dancer47

There's no love in the way you talk about him at all. He went out and got that ring for you so he could propose with it. That's so lovely of him (and traditional) My DH did the same 25 years ago and every time I look at the ring on my hand, I imagine him out shopping on his own looking for the one he wanted, and feel so much love for him.

It's a ring - how bad can it be? Why risk hurting his feelings?

I don't agree.

Most men take their fiancé ring shopping.
Even 40 years ago dh and I chose my ring together.
In 2022 the OP should be able to have a say in a ring she will be wearing regularly for many years.

Would you be saying OP should accept it if it was a skull design.
Also I think this dp is going to be tight with money, not an attractive quality.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 06/04/2022 16:00

£600 sounds a lot to me... but it depends on your incomes I suppose.

He wanted you to have a new ring - even though you would have liked one from an auction. I assume he didn't choose the new one just to upset you.

Perhaps he wanted to give you one with no possible 'bad' luck or sad story from the past? Perhaps he prefers you having something that is just yours and his and has never belonged to someone else? It might seem 'clean'.

He wanted to give you the ring when you accepted his proposal. It was to be part of the occasion - and so more meaningful than just a ring bought to mark your new status?

What is sad about this is that the two of you have not talked about these things. Talking saves marriages and sometimes even prevents bad ones.

user1473878824 · 06/04/2022 16:02

I was really specific about what I wanted stone-wise but the setting was all clunky and the band too thick. We’d obviously had a chat about it and he wanted me to have what I wanted and liked but I still felt really awkward about saying anything so I totally understand that. I’d say how much you love that he picked something for you but you’re so sorry, you just don’t feel it suits you and it’s something you’re going to wear every day for the rest of your life, could you choose something together?

Deadringer · 06/04/2022 16:03

People who say 'i love it because he chose it' might not have ever witnessed men buying rings for their other half, i have, price is the main concern, then they either ask the assistant which they like, or they pick one at random. Not all men maybe, but a huge number of them.

diddl · 06/04/2022 16:05

All this thought to tip toe around a grown man!

Give him as much thought as he gave you Op-none!

HomeHomeInTheRange · 06/04/2022 16:08

“Oh, it’s so beautiful, I love it. The thing is though, the proportions aren’t quite right for my hand, can we go together and exchange it? I want it to be perfect, every day of my life, and that’s hard to do without the finger being present”.

But I guess you have left it too late for that?

chisanunian · 06/04/2022 16:10

I have had a Pinterest board for years fantasied about having a lovely one maybe one day.

So you have fantasised for years about exactly the sort of engagement ring you'd like, and you have a Pinterest board for just that. Did your boyfriend know about this at all? Because if not, unless he has a crystal ball, how else was he to know what you wanted?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 06/04/2022 16:12

Blimey.
I would say.
"I love you and am so happy that you proposed. I want a ring that I can wear everyday for the rest of my life. This one just isn't quite right and I have been hesitant to mention it. Would it be a problem if we could have another look together?.:

PurpleDaisies · 06/04/2022 16:12

Give him as much thought as he gave you Op-none!

How do you know that? He could have just got it wrong.

Hollyhat · 06/04/2022 16:13

An ex partner spent £100 on a ring for me from eBay. He chose it himself and it turned my finger black. The thought was there though 🤣

NotquitewhatImeant · 06/04/2022 16:19

I get it OP. He’s been a bit thoughtless - it’s not the cost but that you feel like he hasn’t bothered. Maybe you could go choose one together?

Neverreturntoathread · 06/04/2022 16:19

Tricky one OP!

I suggest that after a ‘cooling off’ period if a fee days / weeks, while he gets over his pride at having proposed (men find this an amazing achievement), then say that while you appreciate the ring he chose, you’ve always had a particular design in mind and would it be a problem to swap the ring as this is something you’ll wear every day for a lifetime and you know he wants it to be perfect for you.

If you’re close enough to marry, you can have this conversation. I know someone who changed her engagement ring 4 times!

I also know someone who mattied a millionaire and he deliberately bought her a v cheap (semi precious) ring to celebrate that she wasn’t with him just for his money and because he thinks the stone suits her eyes. She would have preferred a diamond lol but she kept the ring cos it was a sweet thought.

Anyway…

Up to you! But if he didn’t find out what you wanted before proposing then he can’t complain if you need to exchange it.

Congratulations by the way ;)

Bunty55 · 06/04/2022 16:20

Surely a lady chooses her own ring?

roarfeckingroarr · 06/04/2022 16:22

He's both cheap, disinterested in something you care about - and a liar who didn't listen to your daughter. Why are you marrying him?

Fluffycloudland77 · 06/04/2022 16:25

I chose mine. Dh matched all my other stuff he got me to it.

DuchessofAnkh22 · 06/04/2022 16:29

Just a thought re: "secondhand" or "vintage" - diamonds and gold etc don't really devalue, so vintage jeweller of good quality won't be cheaper or better value. Also more likely to wear out, and break as it's older. Can be a false economy.

£600 is not a lot to spend on an engagement ring (clearly people need to spend what they can afford) BUT this will not get you a big stone unless you get something cheaper like garnet, or similar.

While I'm aware the cost isn't the be-all and end-all, it clearly hasn't met your expectations, and gives an indication of what he thinks of you...

Casper001 · 06/04/2022 16:30

Poor bloke. In this age of no fault divorces I'd be seriously questioning why he's bothering. It's not going to end well for him.

Moltenpink · 06/04/2022 16:31

The receipt could be for the balance if he previously put down a £400 deposit

AteAllTheBourbons · 06/04/2022 16:34

This is one of those threads that seem out of touch with reality.

A lot of women still give a shit about their engagement rings, just because OP falls into that large group no need to give her grief just because you were happy with a haribo ring because you love your hubby so much.

£600 is a lot to some people and a night out for others.

He could have spent more, ignored OP's daughter saying it was ugly, she has every right to be peeved. No need to beat her up over it.