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Original poster

Upset by his choice of ring

222 replies

Carat555 · 06/04/2022 13:52

Right....I'm a bit of a lover of jewellery, never had anything nice except for my mum's diamond ring after she passed.
I have had a Pinterest board for years fantasied about having a lovely one maybe one day.
So my boyfriend said he intended proposing but when he did I was very underwhelmed because what he has chosen is not what I had in mind. It's tiny and looks a bit naff on my fat fingers.
He told me he'd spent a grand on it which surprised me and I would have much rather he bought second hand I knew my thoughts on this but said he wanted new.
I saw the receipt and it cost 600 so I felt put out he'd not been truthful.
To be honest I'm embarrassed when people ask to see my ring.
After all this before I get shot down, I love him and accepted it gracefully and have not said anything to him because I know it's about marrying him and not the ring! I'm just disappointed he knows my passion but didn't think about my feelings in this and I have to wear it forever.

OP posts:
Theworldisquiethere · 06/04/2022 16:40

I think the biggest issues here are
1- that he lied about how much it cost (the cost itself isn’t an issue, just the lying)
2- that he ignored your Dd saying you wouldn’t like it

And you’re worried about offending him when he’s happy to lie to you and ignore your preferences! Even if his heart is in the right place, I think you need to raise the issues with him.

tara66 · 06/04/2022 16:41

The traditional etiquette for a man to spend on an engagement ring is 3 months' salary, The average price currently being actually paid is only GBP2100.

yossell · 06/04/2022 16:44

If you wouldn't mind, could you pass this on to your partner:

'RUN!'

Thx.

Fluffycloudland77 · 06/04/2022 16:45

It’s like buying a car, a small car will get you places but it’s nice to have a posh car.

I’m love my dh but I also like my jewellery & he likes seeing me happy.

BellePeppa · 06/04/2022 16:46

@tara66

The traditional etiquette for a man to spend on an engagement ring is 3 months' salary, The average price currently being actually paid is only GBP2100.
That was a lot of nonsense made up by, I think De Beers, to encourage people to spend silly money on a ring. It’s not a tradition steeped in anything but profit.
Silverclocks · 06/04/2022 16:50

There's no way you should be marrying this man IMO.

He lied to you, ignored your wishes and you're scared to talk to him about it.

Silverclocks · 06/04/2022 16:54

@tara66

The traditional etiquette for a man to spend on an engagement ring is 3 months' salary, The average price currently being actually paid is only GBP2100.
It was one month and it was an advertising campaign from a (the) diamond producer De Beers in the 1930s. In the 1980s they increased their "advice" to" 2 months. There's absolutely nothing traditional about it, but it was an astonishingly successful bit of marketing.
Sandra2010 · 06/04/2022 17:03

I'm very much a 'are you marrying him or selling yourself to him' person and I was about to say this but I can see that the value isn't what's not working for you. Maybe you should just tell him you can see it's beautiful, but it just doesn't suit your hands, and could you both go together and choose something that works for you both?

roarfeckingroarr · 06/04/2022 17:04

@AteAllTheBourbons

This is one of those threads that seem out of touch with reality.

A lot of women still give a shit about their engagement rings, just because OP falls into that large group no need to give her grief just because you were happy with a haribo ring because you love your hubby so much.

£600 is a lot to some people and a night out for others.

He could have spent more, ignored OP's daughter saying it was ugly, she has every right to be peeved. No need to beat her up over it.

This is a really great post
SpaceFarce · 06/04/2022 17:05

@SerendipitySunshine

Can you say it doesn't fit and find one you like better at the same price point?
Whyyyy do people always suggest these ridiculous lies? Rings can be adjusted, which would be the obvious answer if OP said this. If she’s marrying the man, she should be able to be truthful.
tara66 · 06/04/2022 17:07

Silverclocks - google is currently saying 3 months - checked today!

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 06/04/2022 17:17

£600 on a ring is not tight!!

What leaps out at me is -
You think he lied to you
You can't talk to him about something very important to you
You are embarrassed by the ring he has chosen for you.

Are you sure you should be getting married?

MisterMeaner · 06/04/2022 17:25

I never really liked my engagement ring. It was a family heirloom from DH's side of the family, and had a flawed diamond. But that was the best ring he could get at the age we were (still in university with no money) so I put up with it. I just didn't think much about it, and focussed on our actual relationship. I've since had nicer rings from him, so choose to wear those instead.

I think if he could have afforded better but chose not to, and if he had lied about the price to try to convince me it was better than it was, I would have felt very differently. I'm not a "LTB" kind of person, but that's pretty disrespectful.

Silverclocks · 06/04/2022 17:26

@tara66

Silverclocks - google is currently saying 3 months - checked today!
It's still marketing bollocks. Who on earth gets to say what should be spent on a ring?
NeverChange · 06/04/2022 17:31

If you can't have an honest conversation with him about it,perhaps he is not the man you should be marrying.

MariaDingbat · 06/04/2022 17:40

Jewellery can be so emotive. You seem to attach a lot of meaning to your mum's ring as a way of remembering her (I do the same with my late mums jewellery) and perhaps subconsciously you wanted your own engagement ring to be something that would bring you the same joy and perhaps one day your DD would cherish too. When those expectations weren't meet, it was a disappointment.

While it can seem ungracious to tell someone you didn't like their gift, an engagement ring is a different matter. It's not just a gift, it's a symbol of an agreement to spend your lives together and it's something you will wear every day. Some people are content with the symbol, whatever it looks like, others prefer the symbol to reflect them. Both opinions are completely valid and it sounds like you fall into the latter category. If the aesthetics of the ring is important to you, having a gentle conversation with your fiance may help him realise that you love the symbol but would like something that you felt more of a connection to. You'll be the one wearing it every day, it's better that you love it and wear it rather than put it away in a drawer once you're married.

I don't buy into the 3 month salary nonsense and my husband and I chose my ring together. It's exactly what I wanted and cost about half a months salary. I still adore it and wear it every day 6 years later. It's worth having a conversation with him, if you don't feel you can then perhaps that is something to think about before you get married.

tkwal · 06/04/2022 17:43

I think the bf was the one putting a value of pounds and pence on the relationship when he lied about the ring costing 2/3 more than it actually did.
If you feel so much dislike for the ring I would advise you to be open about it now because, believe me your resentment will show eventually in the heat of an argument and will do much more damage then than a calm discussion now. You could turn it slightly by saying that although it's very pretty your hands don't show it to the best advantage and would he be offended if you look at alternatives?

Getoffmyshoes · 06/04/2022 18:16

Maybe I’m shallow but I would not have been happy with a £600 ring from DP! I’m assuming he could have afforded a better one?

Don’t know why it’s a thing on mumsnet that you must be happy with a £19.99 special from Argos or you’re a grabby bitch! I don’t think it’s grabby to want the one piece of jewellery you’re hopefully going to wear for the rest of your life you be something you love that’s had time, effort and money put into it.

I love my ring, it’s absolutely beautiful and what I love even more is that my DP spent months saving for it, then designing it for me with a jeweller - nothing wrong with that!

beattieedny · 06/04/2022 18:19

I think you need to get better at communicating with each other. The ring isn't the problem, it's more that either he doesn't understand you / listen or you aren't talking straight. Be honest.

EarthSight · 06/04/2022 20:52

There's a few issues here that are important to sort out before you get married.

First of all, how did you get to know how much the ring cost? Did he volunteer this information? Or, after you told him or hinted that you didn't like it, did he then try to qualify the worth or value of this ring by making out like he has spent more on it?

Seems odd that he even said that. If you didn't like it, he could have offered to take it off you and he could have taken it back to the shop to have it refunded and gone about getting you a ring a different way.

I know he can afford more but chose not to just a shame make me feel I'm not worth it

Money seems to be an important factor in how you determine your worth to someone. You could argue that most people can afford more on most things, which leads to a question - exactly how much of his monthly or yearly earnings, in percentage, would he have to spend on you to make you feel valued and loved? 20%? 30%? Would it impress you to find out he had taken himself to the brink of debt to buy you a ring? It's an important question for you to ask yourself.

EarthSight · 06/04/2022 20:55

Also - he lied to you about it. He didn't just add on an extra £100. He added on £400 to the actual price. Seems to me like this won't be the last time that you argue about money.

pinkyredrose · 06/04/2022 20:59

Aren't you more concerned that he lied? Confused

dudsville · 06/04/2022 21:04

I was once married to someone who was offended I didn't like the ring. It was deeply symbolic for him, but I did not want to wear it. Hated wearing it. It was so wonderful that moment I could finally take it off. Don't wait for the divorce announcement. Don't wear something you really don't like. Start your marriage as you mean to continue, with up front honesty and mutual respect. If it can't be found now it won't suddenly appear later.

altmember · 06/04/2022 22:11

@goingtotown

I'd be unhappy being told a lie about the cost. Thats your problem not the ring.
I wonder why he felt the need to lie about the cost though??
Tallisimo · 06/04/2022 22:37

My now ex chose my engagement ring. We’d looked in jewellery shop windows and I’d pointed out the styles I liked - single stone, simple design, not loads of £££££.

What he bought me was nothing like the styles I’d liked and wasn’t a single stone setting. It was also second hand (which I didn’t mind). I was disappointed that he’d apparently ignored all my comments on my preferred style. However, I didn’t say anything and after a while, I actually grew to like it.

In your case, I’d be more worried about the lying over the cost. And if you really don’t like it, then bite the bullet and tell him.

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