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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH and the woman from work

334 replies

ettiespaghetti · 03/04/2022 11:50

Almost a year ago my husband told me that a woman at work had progressively been getting more and more flirtatious , that it had started as work banter but escalated to her declaring how much she fancied him
and propositioned him for sex.

When he told me he was wracked with guilt and was upset saying he didn't know what to do.

2 or three times since I've looked at his phone and found either him still entertaining texts back and forth, although not inappropriate and then last week looked and it's obvious messages have been deleted.

I'm in trauma therapy at the moment and it's a thing of mine to bury feelings and avoid them.

I spoke to him yesterday about deleted messages and he said he deleted them as he doesn't want me to worry.

He was out last night on a work do and she was there

All of this I thought I was ok with, but when I actually connect with myself I feel angry.

I was plotting to get his phone and set up my iPad with his iCloud account so I can see the messages but that's not particularly constructive.

I'm not sure what to do - any insight ?

OP posts:
Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 07/04/2022 22:06

Things took a turn today

Firstly husbands grandma died

And my son (18) told me today that he had been using my iPad when this was all going on and the messages from OW to me and DH to me all came through to him

It did give us the opportunity for a good talk and support him but my god , I'm gutted he experienced that shock

I'm on the verge of doing a message recovery thing on his phone

OP posts:
Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 08/04/2022 01:25

I'm desperate to drink I can't take this pain anymore

OP posts:
NameChanged2022 · 08/04/2022 01:47

Hi ettie

I know you are feeling desperate right now and I'm no expert but please be strong. Your children need you and you've worked so so so hard to get to three years sober.

Thanks
mishmased · 08/04/2022 02:10

@ettiespaghetti please stay strong, you can do this without the drink. Hang in there Thanks

Dancer47 · 08/04/2022 03:11

Please, please don't tell her husband. That is just spite. Their marriage is their problem and their business. Please don't do that - cancer is devastatingly awful - poor man. You don't know him from Adam. You don't need to do that - it isn't your job!

FishFingerSandwiches4Tea · 08/04/2022 05:47

@ettiespaghetti please know that strangers on MN are rooting for you. I'm sure you're feeling overwhelmed right now but please take it minute by minute. Go to group and reach out to your AA friends. You can do this. You ARE doing this. Sending love and strength ❤️

LazyDaisy22 · 08/04/2022 06:24

@ettiespaghetti another stranger on MN rooting for you too. You are a strong lady and I can see you are well loved by your friends and family. Please don’t let what has happened end your sobriety. Please come back here to get support if you can’t contact your AA group 💐

Sunbird24 · 08/04/2022 06:48

@ettiespaghetti the pain is at its worst right now, drinking might block it out for a while but you’d still have to deal with it later. You’re doing so well, just keep going, if you can get through this without the drink it’ll get better sooner, and imagine how proud of yourself you’ll feel. Take all the help you need, everyone is right behind you.

Grasping · 08/04/2022 06:54

You have come so far without alcohol and it really will just make things worse. Stay strong lovely lady xxx

How horrid for your son, I’m so sorry this has added to your worry, we always want to protect our children (I never told mine).

Surprisingly, I agree about not telling her DH. It’s one of my biggest regrets that I didn’t tell OW’s DH. I feel guilty he’s living a lie but it was the best decision for me at the time.

Richtea2 · 08/04/2022 07:49

@ettiespaghetti

I'm desperate to drink I can't take this pain anymore
I do think you need to speak to someone about you wanting to drink asap.

It must of been a shock your son seeing that. But it's important to keep your kids out of it all.
I am sorry to hear about you DH grandma.
So much healing needs to done from everything.
Just keep talking to your friends.

girlmom21 · 08/04/2022 07:58

@ettiespaghetti

I'm desperate to drink I can't take this pain anymore
Don't drink for him. You've worked so hard and he's a piece of shit. Don't let him be what breaks your resolve. You deserve better x
AirFireWaterEarth · 08/04/2022 09:22

OP, I just wanted to offer my support and say that I think you are a fucking warrior. Look at you, dealing with all this and staying sober - you're a fucking lioness.

Honestly. I know it often feels difficult to believe people when they tell us how strong we clearly are when we feel weak - it feels like we must just be pulling the wool over their eyes - but that's not it. It's that people see how much has been put on you and how difficult you're finding things and know that true strength is carrying on anyway, even through the periods when you feel that way. And this is just a period of life. You'll come out the other side one way or another as you've come out of every other part of life beforehand.

I'm so pleased you have real life support - use it!

I'll be thinking of you.Flowers

AirFireWaterEarth · 08/04/2022 09:25

And please don't be ashamed if you did drink last night. Reach out to your support and start fresh again today.

Tamworth123 · 08/04/2022 11:28

Takes a special level of scum bag to cheat with someone who's spouse has cancer.

Then there's the cheating on someone (cheating on your spouse at all, especially with children involved( let alone when they struggle with an addiction , and an emotional blow could very realistically endanger their recovery.
(And you know about the trauma behind their addiction).

Scum bag all round.

Blaming lack of sex when you were still having sex (oh and plenty of people have little or none for various reasons in marriages, short or long term and don't cheat) but you were still having some anyway.

That's a classic manipulative excuse for I infidelity and it's bullshit.

Its a nice handy one because "enough" sex or "exciting enough" sex is subjective.
It blame shifts, gets the other person on the back foot, defending themselves, and if it works; the cheater can't believe their luck.

One of your most recent podtsxeortoed me that you're moving into "I'm not responsible but I am sort of responsible, fod my half of the relationship .... I'm not without responsibility these things dintvhappejnin a vacuum..... the slippery slope of some infidelity airy fairy bullshit theory.

Listen; you haven't cheated on him, at all.let alone with the husband of a woman who's vern diagnosed with cancer.
Let alone knowing he struggled with an adduction and trauma, and a betrayal like thus could cause destabilisation etc.

Hes a scum bag, you're not.

You're not responsible, he could have left. He chose to do what he did, and quite frankly cheating on his wife and the mother of his kids (who have their own struggles without that being brought into their lives) is equalled in awfulness only by cheating with the spouse of someone with cancer.

Tamworth123 · 08/04/2022 11:36

He obviously thought he might get caught too, because he purposefully deceitful tried to gad light and bull shit you tk.cjver himself.

Unfortunately he's too dumb to even keep.his affair secret from his own kids via technology.

So, a dumb, disloyal scum bag.

And liar.

That really doesn't seem like the sort of person you should be subjected tk would trying to deal ongoing with your background and adduction.

Tamworth123 · 08/04/2022 11:40

*he purposefully, deceitfully tried to gas light and bull shit you to cover himself.

Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 08/04/2022 12:46

I didn't drink last night - unbelievably

I've given myself the get out that I may drink tonight just to lessen the resistance somewhat - I will be going to an aa meeting though.

Yes!! You're right it's the destabilisation- I've literally lost any sense of safety - I don't even feel safe within my own body.

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 08/04/2022 15:24

It’s a terrible feeling @ettiespaghetti 💐

Mix56 · 08/04/2022 17:16

Just remember that the problem will still be there if you give in & drink.
You can do this OP.

Tamworth123 · 08/04/2022 22:12

Could I just add re. his "choice" of affair partner (presuming her husband's diagnosis didn't happen after they started having an affair, in which case anyone with any remaining scrap of decent would have stopped), he's a scum bag because he'd do that to another person going through that, but also because (unless she's a hard nosed, nasty bitch through and through), her husband's diagnosis probably made her a bit vulnerable.
I mean mean someone whose spouse had been diagnosed with cancer started getting close to you, and that closeness started becoming inappropriate, wouldn't you think "they are needy vulnerable, distressed, scared, floundering etc. They are possibly not in their "right" mind .... if they're getting you close to me/dependant on me/escalating to intimate stuff, I need yo back the fk off and do my best to encourage them to get proper support from family, friends, counsellor etc., not 'support" mixed up with sex, which also involves betraying both our spouses". But what did he do instead ... that makes him nor only all round lacking in integrity but also arguably pretty predatory (?)

FredJonesPt2 · 08/04/2022 22:15

I really feel for you. Hope you're aa meeting went well tonight.

Tamworth123 · 08/04/2022 22:15

And maybe he's a little bit predatory in his choice of you for a relationship/marriage too (?) He knows you struggle with past trauma and adduction, it could be seen as vulnerability.

Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 08/04/2022 22:25

We've been together since we were 20 and now both 41

The cancer diagnosis was during the affair

OP posts:
worriedaboutmoney2022 · 08/04/2022 22:29

@Hop27

He's fucking her. He's told you so he can blame her when he gets caught out. Kick him out now.
Totally agree just getting rid
Tamworth123 · 08/04/2022 23:50

@ettiespaghetti

We've been together since we were 20 and now both 41

The cancer diagnosis was during the affair

Well I suppose that makes him less of a predator; but still a married cheater who cheats with a married person, and doesn't stop immediately when their spouse is diagnosed with cancer.

And who cheats on a vulnerable person.

Abd who brings cheating into the lives of hos kids, including s very vulnerable one.

What a sterling character.

The "not getting enough sex" script is just icing on the cake of his shittiness, as well as all the lying, gas lighting, cover story etc.