My DH and the woman from work

[ettiespaghetti]

Almost a year ago my husband told me that a woman at work had progressively been getting more and more flirtatious , that it had started as work banter but escalated to her declaring how much she fancied him
and propositioned him for sex.

When he told me he was wracked with guilt and was upset saying he didn't know what to do.

2 or three times since I've looked at his phone and found either him still entertaining texts back and forth, although not inappropriate and then last week looked and it's obvious messages have been deleted.

I'm in trauma therapy at the moment and it's a thing of mine to bury feelings and avoid them.

I spoke to him yesterday about deleted messages and he said he deleted them as he doesn't want me to worry.

He was out last night on a work do and she was there

All of this I thought I was ok with, but when I actually connect with myself I feel angry.

I was plotting to get his phone and set up my iPad with his iCloud account so I can see the messages but that's not particularly constructive.

I'm not sure what to do - any insight ?

Hi everyone a few weeks down the line things have moved on a lot but still very difficult

We've had some major breakthroughs in communication and intimacy and it can often feel like the affair can be a catalyst for change in our relationship and maybe being better than ever

But on other hand occasionally the truth of the betrayal cuts so deep I don't know if I can ever forgive

I'm struggling today

I agree with the others they are sleeping together

Sorry just saw update hope you are ok

Please try and stay strong we are all rooting for you & don't undo the brilliant work YOU have done so far no matter how hard You are succeeding You want feel better & You can get through today (sometimes the best YOU can do is one hour at a time! Go for a walk, find a distraction for YOU. Someone else wrote this & it some times helps me its about forgiveness (i dont see it as forgiveness for my husband but for me) here it is - hope it helps
"Forgiveness does not mean that you accept someone’s behaviour.
Forgiveness means you can move fwd without feelings of hatred or anger. Forgiveness means you understand that the actions of others are no longer part of your journey, it is their journey ❤️

I don’t forgive you I forgiveme for not knowing what I never knew so i can move forward I will never forget how u made me feel

Forgiveness is never saying what was done is ok. It's certainly not condoning. It is about choosing to no longer carry around pain in response to the actions of others. Forgiveness is letting go. It creates healing.
You forgive the person, not the actions or bad behaviour. You let go and move on. No more pain, resentment or anger.

Forgiveness is awesome. It's just excruciatingly difficult to do. I've done it in bits and pieces and whenever it happens, it's incredibly freeing.

Forgiveness, that I've experienced, means it's not in your head anymore. Tenseness that you weren't even aware of leaves your body. It's a sliver of peace.

It has zero to do with the other person. And it's more difficult if you have to keep seeing the person. Sometimes, the hardest part is the tiny part that is angry at yourself for being in such an impossible and toxic situation.

We find ways to blame ourselves for everything."
Good Luck & stay strong im sending you a hug 🤗

As long as the changes are better for YOU then that's a good thing. Just don't fall into the trap of making your sole focus improving the relationship for HIM. You don't need to reward his bad behaviour by stepping up somehow so he's not 'driven' to cheat again. I hope he's putting the hard work in to deserve his second chance.

You are worth more than this. You are strong. Don't stay with a man who hurts you and your DC like this. Please don't stay because its easier.

Also I would tell her husband. He has has a life changing cancer diagnosis and should have the right to make his own decisions about how he moves forward with the (hopefully long) time he has left.

It’s not the update I’d have hoped for, but so long as it is all for you, he focus is entirely on you and not him painting himself as some sort of victim, then I admire your strength. I hope you’ve made the right choice and remember, it’s never too late to protect yourself.

We've had some major breakthroughs in communication and intimacy and it can often feel like the affair can be a catalyst for change in our relationship and maybe being better than ever

This sounds like hysterical bonding to me.

Can I please ask for support and guidance

I need strength please

More has come out and I think I'm done

im broken all over again

Whats happening, Ettie?

So much has gone on over the last few weeks I don't even have the energy to detail it

But the crux of it is that tonight I told him that the other women was going to tell me the truth and out comes his full truth

Which is that they had sex more than he said

Went more places than he said

It went on longer than he said

I've told him he is to leave tomorrow morning

But I'm so weak and broken I don't know how I'm going to manage it

I was just starting to stabilise a bit and it's like another wave of betrayal

Holy trinity, all the best

@ettiespaghetti I’m so sorry… I think trying to live with any betrayal like that would be harder to cope with long-term than starting a new, uncomplicated life without that. He’s lied just too much, too often and too easily. Sending strength.

Oh god op, there was always going to be more. What a scumbag :/

@ettiespaghetti

You cannot change what he has done. But you can accept that your life has changed. And that you have the courage to find your new path. You may not see it clearly now, but it is there. You have been through so much in your life and you are still standing. Please understand that this makes you strong, makes you a survivor.

This new knowledge may have knocked you back, but it has not knocked you down. You have people who love you. You have meetings and (I assume) a sponsor who will support you in your sobriety. And if I understood correctly, you have a 'team' that is helping you work through past trauma. Lean on them, rely on them, that's what they're there for.

Remember, one day at a time and serenity, courage, and wisdom.

Hold tight Ettie, you will be ok, just get through tonight.

I've found this with hysterical bonding, usually for the woman it momentarily eases the pain then shortly afterwards you are left feeling used and ashamed for turning for comfort to the person who hurt you.

Conversations follow, of reassurance of love and men being men have got what they wanted, a bit of sexual gratification and the thought that they may have got you back in the box being manipulated. Their other thoughts are of the ow, as they begin to compare again and you just can't compete with the novelty of a new piece on the side.
That's why he's reeled out this shit.

I'm not saying this to hurt you, just to explain how painful trauma bonding is, but he's off on another planet at the moment and trying to get reason, logic or love is a pointless exercise because he's turned into a grade A cunt.
Not the man you know., he may come back one day but not yet and by that time you may have got him out of your system., that's the thing they become so cock sure of themselves because you are in such turmoil that they become over confident that times won't change but they do and you will become stronger.

You will feel better, but sex at the moment is probably best left till he has shown himself to be utterly repentant, in other words don't have sex to stop him straying.

It's so hard love I know but you need to build your confidence back up and it's not giving him sex that will do that, he needs consequenses.

Time will make you stronger, I'm not sure about forgiveness as the pp said (I'm sure she'll forgive me for saying that). I would think about telling her husband, you may feel a little more in control if the hurt and consequenses are not all yours to bear.

Fight back, don't turn it inwards.
xx

Take care

Just hold on. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One day it will be better than this.

You are doing so amazingly well @ettiespaghetti your strength has amazed me.

When my 1st husband did something similar many years ago, I wasn't given a choice, he just left me with my new born, for her. You do seem to have a choice, please make it with support from rl loved ones that you trust.

Many mumsnetters try to be helpful, but we have our own agendas, even if subconsciously. So I think that I would appreciate our support, but still try to make my (your) own choices. 💐

I'm so sorry about your latest update Ettie!

Utterly horrid to discover the latest wave of shit from your DH... Especially as he was forced into telling you.

You're doing SO WELL!

I guess all of this comes down to what you want to happen long term?

Do you think you can ever trust him again? What is he willing to do to repair this? If indeed this is what you want?

Oh sweetie I know it feels awful.

Trickle truth is utterly predictable in most affairs, the slow trickling out of information, the with-holding, the minimisation. It's an extension of the selfishness and entitlement they have during the affair. They use it to control the outcome, to protect themselves and their interests. Later as they find remorse fear has them withhold information. For many betrayed it's the trickle truth that breaks the relationship completely.

It's utterly devastating and I know you must feel like you've had another dday (discovery day).

I'm so sorry. You need time to decide if this new information is a deal breaker FOR YOU. Space from your husband either physically or mentally is a good idea right now.

There's a technique called the 180 on the surviving infidelity site which helps get some emotional distance. It might help you right now so your poor head can find some peace to make a decision moving forward.

Try to avoid the hysterical bonding, it can feel great at the time but it just builds pain and confusion up.

I don't know how much reading you've done but I can really recommend reading on the surviving infidelity site and watching videos on the affair recovery site.

Your husband is not yet remorseful, regretful yes but not remorseful. That doesn't come overnight and as on the dunes said it may come and you've moved on, but we can't predict that. My husband found remorse after months, he was just so damn lucky I was still prepared to listen.

Forgiveness after infidelity is imho overrated, a very wise man told me once that acceptance is key, not forgiveness. Acceptance that this happened, and a willingness to move on together.

There are books that help you understand what true remorse looks like. 'How to help your spouse heal from your affair' and 'not just friends' being two that are recommended by others.

Only you can decide if this new information is a deal breaker for you. Only you can decide if you believe you have the whole truth. Only you can decide of what he's presenting is worth a chance.

But whatever you decide, you can also change your mind. He has no right to any expectation from you.

id be doubtful theres nothing going on , if a man did this to me and i was married , id bluntly tell him i wasnt interested and block his number , and i probably wouldnt go to any works dos either , odd that he tells you this shit ,but is still texting her no ? its like hes encouraging her , if he didnt want you to worry he would not be messaging her , these lies its so pathetic i hate the fact men take women for such absolute mugs !

oh @ettiespaghetti , I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Take care of yourself and make the best decision for you.

God i’m so sorry, what an absolute bastard he is. I can’t imagine how painful this is for you, but I do know it is possible to survive a deep betrayal by someone you trusted and come out ok in the end. Just take each day as you can and try and do the basics of self-care, whatever you can manage.

A line that stood out for me when i was going through exactly this is : women never forget what they’ve forgiven.

people walk into solicitors to divorce men over affairs that happened 20 years ago apparently, what a waste of a life.

I divorced him by the way, I couldn’t spend my life looking over my shoulder.