Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH and the woman from work

334 replies

ettiespaghetti · 03/04/2022 11:50

Almost a year ago my husband told me that a woman at work had progressively been getting more and more flirtatious , that it had started as work banter but escalated to her declaring how much she fancied him
and propositioned him for sex.

When he told me he was wracked with guilt and was upset saying he didn't know what to do.

2 or three times since I've looked at his phone and found either him still entertaining texts back and forth, although not inappropriate and then last week looked and it's obvious messages have been deleted.

I'm in trauma therapy at the moment and it's a thing of mine to bury feelings and avoid them.

I spoke to him yesterday about deleted messages and he said he deleted them as he doesn't want me to worry.

He was out last night on a work do and she was there

All of this I thought I was ok with, but when I actually connect with myself I feel angry.

I was plotting to get his phone and set up my iPad with his iCloud account so I can see the messages but that's not particularly constructive.

I'm not sure what to do - any insight ?

OP posts:
NoCleverNickname · 10/05/2022 13:53

@ettiespaghetti

You are most certainly not weak or broken!

You are the strongest person I have ever read about!

Three years sobriety is an amazing achievement.

My father was an alcoholic, with cirrhosis, and it took him being on deaths door for him to put the bottle down, so I know how hard it is to stop drinking, having seen that struggle first hand.

I can imagine the horror you felt when you found out about the affair. But, whilst it's true that you're not a silent partner on your marriage, it's also true that when a spouse cheats, it is not a reflection on the other spouse!

Mourn the loss of your marriage, your spouse and the trust that is now lost but don't view the past through rose coloured glasses.

Keep up with therapy and AA meetings. Accept help when it's offered.

Remember, above all else, you will be given the courage, serenity and wisdom to get through this and come out the other side ❤

UniversalAunt · 10/05/2022 14:01

@ettiespaghetti

Really, he should go right now.
For both your sakes, just make it happen.
His stuff can follow on or be dealt with whilst you are out.

But I realise that your DCs are likely as home as well.
So staying overnight elsewhere is not so easy.

The key thing is that you are not in the position where you are so stressed or upset that your sobriety is challenged. The stress of dragging out the last 24 hours of him being at home is not worth is for any of you.

Can you & the DC stay somewhere else until he is gone tomorrow, or can he go right now?

Alcemeg · 10/05/2022 14:08

I know I'm going to get stomped on here... but it sounds as though your husband has always treated you with the utmost respect and kindness, yes?

Is it possible that he didn't like bothering you with sex because it's so traumatic for you, and thought he'd found a clever solution, one that he gradually realised was a terrible idea?

I know it's all kinds of wrong, but what you said about him having done a bad thing without being a bad person rang true for me. You are being advised by MN strangers who call him a complete bastard. Only you can tell.

With regard to his latest avalanche of confession, it's natural that he would have been aiming for damage limitation before, but can't go on playing that game.

Massive respect to you for not hitting the bottle. Flowers

MadeForThis · 10/05/2022 14:44

He's only admitting to the bare minimum. Be prepared for more revelations.

Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 10/05/2022 21:26

Hi I’ve had therapy today and just sobbed for the entire 90 minutes

hes gone

I’m feeling very dark

OP posts:
courtrai · 10/05/2022 21:32

This will pass. You're most probably exhausted and any feelings you may feel are heightened by tiredness. Try to sleep or watch an entire box set. Tomorrow will be easier - if only a little but gradually you'll get there

FridaynightCry · 10/05/2022 21:32

Op I'm so sorry.

Are your children around you at all? Can you lean on them for some support?

Throughthesquarewindow · 10/05/2022 21:41

You are amazing. You have stayed sober through all this - huge respect. I'm 2 years sober so I get how huge this is. Flowers

splishsplashsploshsplish · 10/05/2022 22:15

MadeForThis · 10/05/2022 14:44

He's only admitting to the bare minimum. Be prepared for more revelations.

This. I am so sorry OP

Itstimetoquit · 10/05/2022 22:17

How awful for you op,sending hugs x

ToTheNextChapter · 10/05/2022 23:40

@ettiespaghetti I feel for you, this is vile.
I asked my H to leave last month after discovering he'd been messaging a former work colleague and had met up once (apparently). I begged and begged to see the texts but alas they'd been deleted. That made my mind up and he left the same week.

I've had the most awful dark days and have lay awake at night crying. But...a month on I am having some moments of pure happiness and you will too. I can put all my energy into my DD now instead of constantly worrying about why he was clinging onto his phone for dear life.

Sending hugs, you can do this 💐

D1Yer · 10/05/2022 23:51

Leave him

Dancingqueenwannabe · 11/05/2022 00:15

The positive is you went to therapy, you spoke, you cried and you let your emotions out.
it's hard, it will feel dark but with the good support around you then YOU WILL get through this. Please do not let him ruin your sobriety and the hard work you have done to overcome your past x

watchagunado · 11/05/2022 05:11

Op I'm so so sorry you have found your self here. I too was living this nightmare years ago with my childrens father of 11 years . He's 100 percent deleting messages and if not already had sex they are planning it . Kick him out op I know just how terrifying it can be but even tho I was a mess for 6 months I look back now and wish I had done it a lot sooner than believe his lies of ...... it's her she won't leave me alone or I havnt spoken to her im since you said . He left his phone at home and went to work ! I bet when he remembered he shit himself but once there he couldn't leave again 😂 so from him saying he don't speak to her no more because he loves me and wouldn't hurt me again there his phone was pinging away from the girl saying things like I hope you heard the song on the road up I phoned in and put it on for you . And what time are we meeting today !

blueagain · 11/05/2022 05:29

Sending you lots of support OP

Fraaahnces · 12/05/2022 00:24

I think your response in therapy was logical, proportionate and healthy. If it makes you feel better despite the situation, you sound like you have really healthy boundaries compared to so many on here. A credit to you. Spilling it all in therapy is exactly the right place to allow those feelings out safely. They only affect you in there, and no one else. I hope it has turned out to be the beginning of exorcising some grief. It is a process, and it takes time…. But you’re doing it the right way.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/05/2022 01:46

Fraaahnces · 12/05/2022 00:24

I think your response in therapy was logical, proportionate and healthy. If it makes you feel better despite the situation, you sound like you have really healthy boundaries compared to so many on here. A credit to you. Spilling it all in therapy is exactly the right place to allow those feelings out safely. They only affect you in there, and no one else. I hope it has turned out to be the beginning of exorcising some grief. It is a process, and it takes time…. But you’re doing it the right way.

@ettiespaghetti

I agree with @Fraaahnces . You are getting it out in a safe place with people who are trained to help you work through your feelings. Let them help and guide you through this.

Yes, it seems dark right now. But remember it's always darkest before the dawn. You WILL get through this and emerge stronger and wiser. But give it time, don't expect miracles overnight.

Smooshface · 12/05/2022 11:17

You can hold your head up high knowing you've done what you can to save this, but time to end the relationship so you can process and heal from what has happened. Trust is so hard to rebuild, he wasted his chances by not coming clean when he could. You deserve so much better.

Macaroni1924 · 18/05/2022 21:17

You are stronger than you know and will look back in weeks, months then years and feel proud of what you have achieved. Crying in therapy is good, get it all out. You will be exhausted but as the therapy goes on it won’t be as exhausting and will start to give you even more strength. Good luck, you have got this xx

Itstimetoquit · 19/05/2022 18:52

How are you op x

misskatamari · 19/05/2022 19:04

I am so sorry for all you're dealing with @ettiespaghetti

I just wanted to recommend Nicole Sachs' podcast incase it helps with your trauma and long covid recovery. She's amazing and so reassuring and wise, and her work helps people with so many chronic issues, including long covid, and she's also great at helping people who has characteristics like people pleasing etc podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/episode-122-recovery-from-covid-long-haul-with-lieke/id1439580309?i=1000510720985

Might not be your cup of tea, but I wanted to share incase it's any help at all

misskatamari · 19/05/2022 19:13

And I'm wishing you so much strength ❤️

Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 19/05/2022 19:20

As a people pleaser it's difficult to let down an internet of strangers but the night after I kicked him out I had a complete breakdown

Crisis team and medication involved and I asked him to come back as I feel so unsafe without him

OP posts:
Theeyeballsinthefuckingsky · 19/05/2022 19:24

Ah OP Im Sorry

I hope at the very least he’s grovelling & thanking you for another chance

JackieQueen · 19/05/2022 19:30

I'm so sorry op. I hope you get the support you need. 🌻