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Original poster

My DH and the woman from work

334 replies

ettiespaghetti · 03/04/2022 11:50

Almost a year ago my husband told me that a woman at work had progressively been getting more and more flirtatious , that it had started as work banter but escalated to her declaring how much she fancied him
and propositioned him for sex.

When he told me he was wracked with guilt and was upset saying he didn't know what to do.

2 or three times since I've looked at his phone and found either him still entertaining texts back and forth, although not inappropriate and then last week looked and it's obvious messages have been deleted.

I'm in trauma therapy at the moment and it's a thing of mine to bury feelings and avoid them.

I spoke to him yesterday about deleted messages and he said he deleted them as he doesn't want me to worry.

He was out last night on a work do and she was there

All of this I thought I was ok with, but when I actually connect with myself I feel angry.

I was plotting to get his phone and set up my iPad with his iCloud account so I can see the messages but that's not particularly constructive.

I'm not sure what to do - any insight ?

OP posts:
Jonny1265 · 10/05/2022 08:10

Hop27 · 03/04/2022 11:54

He's fucking her. He's told you so he can blame her when he gets caught out. Kick him out now.

That's a bit of a leap. I had a very similar thing happen many years ago. One of my female colleagues and I were a bit flirty but nothing more. Then on a works night out, she declared she loved me and had left her husband for me😮. Needless to say, it made work a bit tricky for a while and I was totally up front with my wife about what had happened. A couple of months afterwards, she told me that her marriage was awful and that it took the fantasy she had generated about the two of us to give her an out. She was glad she left her husband but not bothered that I had rejected her advances as she didn't really want me but wanted out of her relationship.

PriestessofPing · 10/05/2022 08:12

Jonny1265 · 10/05/2022 08:10

That's a bit of a leap. I had a very similar thing happen many years ago. One of my female colleagues and I were a bit flirty but nothing more. Then on a works night out, she declared she loved me and had left her husband for me😮. Needless to say, it made work a bit tricky for a while and I was totally up front with my wife about what had happened. A couple of months afterwards, she told me that her marriage was awful and that it took the fantasy she had generated about the two of us to give her an out. She was glad she left her husband but not bothered that I had rejected her advances as she didn't really want me but wanted out of her relationship.

Show quote history

Read the rest of the OPs updates. He was having an affair with her.

JenniferAlisonPhilipaSue · 10/05/2022 08:21

If she really was harassing him, he would have complained to HR and/or changed jobs. The fact he's still working with her and socialising after work with her means there's more going on.

Pilcrow · 10/05/2022 08:40

JenniferAlisonPhilipaSue · 10/05/2022 08:21

If she really was harassing him, he would have complained to HR and/or changed jobs. The fact he's still working with her and socialising after work with her means there's more going on.

RTFT

GCAcademic · 10/05/2022 08:45

JenniferAlisonPhilipaSue · 10/05/2022 08:21

If she really was harassing him, he would have complained to HR and/or changed jobs. The fact he's still working with her and socialising after work with her means there's more going on.

You realise that there is a whole thread, with updates from the OP? If you can't be bothered reading it, probably best not to post.

WouldBeGood · 10/05/2022 08:48

@ettiespaghetti 💐 It’s just such a terrible feeling. You can get through this though, lots of us have.

simoncowellsdog · 10/05/2022 09:10

Sofacouchboredom · 10/05/2022 06:29

Oh sweetie I know it feels awful.

Trickle truth is utterly predictable in most affairs, the slow trickling out of information, the with-holding, the minimisation. It's an extension of the selfishness and entitlement they have during the affair. They use it to control the outcome, to protect themselves and their interests. Later as they find remorse fear has them withhold information. For many betrayed it's the trickle truth that breaks the relationship completely.

It's utterly devastating and I know you must feel like you've had another dday (discovery day).

I'm so sorry. You need time to decide if this new information is a deal breaker FOR YOU. Space from your husband either physically or mentally is a good idea right now.

There's a technique called the 180 on the surviving infidelity site which helps get some emotional distance. It might help you right now so your poor head can find some peace to make a decision moving forward.

Try to avoid the hysterical bonding, it can feel great at the time but it just builds pain and confusion up.

I don't know how much reading you've done but I can really recommend reading on the surviving infidelity site and watching videos on the affair recovery site.

Your husband is not yet remorseful, regretful yes but not remorseful. That doesn't come overnight and as on the dunes said it may come and you've moved on, but we can't predict that. My husband found remorse after months, he was just so damn lucky I was still prepared to listen.

Forgiveness after infidelity is imho overrated, a very wise man told me once that acceptance is key, not forgiveness. Acceptance that this happened, and a willingness to move on together.

There are books that help you understand what true remorse looks like. 'How to help your spouse heal from your affair' and 'not just friends' being two that are recommended by others.

Only you can decide if this new information is a deal breaker for you. Only you can decide if you believe you have the whole truth. Only you can decide of what he's presenting is worth a chance.

But whatever you decide, you can also change your mind. He has no right to any expectation from you.

Flowers

This.

I swear they've all been on a bullshit training course together.

Exactly the same when my ex cheated on me.

  1. Denial, then when presented with hard evidence:
  2. Blamed it on the OW - she pursued him etc Hmm - even if she did which is highly unlikely, say no you twat.
  3. Tried to shift responsibility to me, apparently he assumed I was shagging around too even though I'd never given any indication that I wanted anything other than a committed monogamous relationship with him AND had full and open conversations with him about not wanting to get hurt/ our relationship and its future etc
  4. When pressed for details, they'd only met a couple of times and 'been for coffee' and kissed once. I tried to forgive but months later it came out that he'd taken her all over the place and it had been much more than just kissing 🤢
  5. Lots of crocodile tears and pretending to be sorry. Sorry he got caught more like.

It's good that you've got such a strong support network, look after yourself OP you WILL be ok even if it doesn't feel like it now

He's just one stupid little man, don't let him ruin your life Flowers

Gudbrand · 10/05/2022 09:38

Which is that they had sex more than he said
Went more places than he said
It went on longer than he said

Unfortunately this was always going to be the case. They always minimize what happened.

I've told him he is to leave tomorrow morning

Good and make sure he goes. You deserve better than this

Zonder · 10/05/2022 09:41

So sorry it has come to this.

StooOrangeyForCrows · 10/05/2022 10:06

You need to do whatever will allow you to heal OP.

His doing this while you are so ill is atrocious though.

NamechangeFML · 10/05/2022 10:06

aw listen to @simoncowellsdog OP
bless you. Dont let him destabilise your sobriety! Youll be utterly furious with him and yourself!
use your group, your sponsor!
Hugs. Keep breathing

notanothertakeaway · 10/05/2022 10:23

You will get through this. Stay strong

Tryhard40 · 10/05/2022 11:11

He is absolutely full of shit. Get rid.

Tryhard40 · 10/05/2022 11:12

Oh, sorry just read your update.

Honestly, these men are SO transparent!

whynotwhatknot · 10/05/2022 11:18

so sorry op

so much for hed do anything to make it up to you and he'll change he cant even tell the truth about it all

ValerieCupcake · 10/05/2022 11:26

He's a drip feeding lying arsole. I am sorry but I would end it. You deserve better than this.

takealettermsjones · 10/05/2022 11:26

I'm so sorry OP.

If he was serious about spending the rest of his life making it up to you, he would have told you the whole truth at that point.

He is so far up his own arse. Kick. Him. Out.

springtimeishereagain · 10/05/2022 11:51

I'm so sorry to hear your final update. Your h is following the script: only admit what he has to, only admit things when he has no other choice.

What a bastard.

You are being incredibly strong. You have the dc, you have a great support network, you have AA. You can do this. We're all rooting for you.

SunshineCake · 10/05/2022 11:55

I am so sorry he has been so shitty as to not tell you the truth from the start. Hopefully you do know everything now but tbh it doesn't really matter if there is more. If you have made the decision to separate then nothing more is needed.

Huge well done on not drinking. He isn't worth losing the three years of sobriety that you have already achieved. Keep it up. Treat yourself to some lovely food that you wouldn't normally buy to reward and nourish you.

Recovering from an affair is horrific. It hurts, takes a long time and it not easy by any means. Whether you stay or go it is shit.

You can do this and will do this, you have no choice. He is no longer your friend, your husband, your life or your rock. He isn't on your team. Protect yourself with money, the house, etc and do not trust him with anything. He doesn't get to choice what or how much you get or what happens with the children. It is all for the law and you to decide not.

Stay strong.

Macaroni1924 · 10/05/2022 12:36

What an absolute shit. You can and will do better, stay strong. ❤️

tkwal · 10/05/2022 12:41

You need breathing space from him. His behaviour is threatening your sobriety and your life. If you can find the strength to ask him to move out, at least temporarily do you think he would. Every time you see him at the moment must be a reminder of the betrayal and emotional pain he is causing.
I believe AA often advises against forming new emotional or sexual attachments during the beginnings of sobriety.i believe youthful treat your relationship with your husband as such. You are a different person, and due to the affair, so is he. You have to prioritise your needs, then your children and only then your marriage. Whether it's over or not. I pray you continue in your sobriety 💐

layladomino · 10/05/2022 12:51

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Please stay strong and stand by your request for him to leave. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but I think this will be good for your wellbeing longer term. His cheating and lying and gaslighting can't have been doing your mental health any good at all. Knowing the truth and moving on might be really hard, but you are dealing with facts and taking positive steps to make your life better longer term.

You have your wonderful friends, and family as support. You have your children. You can build a good life that isn't spoiled by cheating and lying and disrespect and gas lighting. Take care of you and your children.

oakleaffy · 10/05/2022 13:11

@ettiespaghetti
Well done for not drinking!
There is never a good time to find out about a husband’s affair.
He will lie.
It’s an emotional rollercoaster, especially with children.
With temptation to drink , just take it by the minute “ I won’t drink for next minute”

&c
You’ll heal faster feeling the pain rather than trying to squash it down.
Best Wishes 👍

bevm72yellow · 10/05/2022 13:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

UniversalAunt · 10/05/2022 13:51

Oh, I wish you all the best @ettiespaghetti , these are very hard times for you & your family to bear, but you can come through this.

Your sobriety is precious to you & your DC, so nurture & care for yourself as best you can. You reach out for help & support which is a great advantage & credit to you.

As an aside, he is not the person you married & you are not the person you were in the marriage as you now have your sobriety & commitment to your personal growth. Your life & relationships were always going to adapt & change as you worked through your earlier trauma.

He is the one left behind, because rather than embracing the change around him & adapting to a positive uplift, he chose the high-risk distraction of a full-blown affair. He has ranked ‘lack of sex’ above the affirmation of your sobriety & more positive, happier, healthier future. He has betrayed you, your DC & his ‘better’ self. He has lost the opportunity to find growth alongside you.

That said, I think that you left him behind some time ago as you embraced change for yourself. So, grieve for what you have lost & hoped for with him, yet embrace that things may not have been so good for some time. Accept that you have more of you than you started out with & that is very good.

So, what is done is done.
He may be devastated at what he lost or just that he was found out, who knows?
He took the risk, placed the bet that you would not find out, & he lost.

Tell the OW husband? Hmm, not sure myself.
Would it be an act of revenge on the OW or to inform him so that he can make his own decisions? Sounds like he has enough on his plate already.

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