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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp told dd my most embarrassing private secret

313 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 02/04/2022 19:16

For some fucked up reason - him trying to be funny, told my dd16 whilst joking about a sexual experience I had when I was experimenting and young.

I could have actually died inside. No one knows, only him. I made light of it snd joked it obviously wasn’t true etc - she knew.

I feel so embarrassed and humiliated and deceived.

OP posts:
doineedtotoughenup · 03/04/2022 09:29

This site can be 100% bullying at times. Making people feel like they are obligated to part with intimate information about themselves in order not to “drop feed”.

IncompleteSenten · 03/04/2022 09:38

So really what happened was he told your daughter his sexually explicit fantasy about you as a child with another child.

And when you told him it was inappropriate, he started to sulk and now he's punishing you for not wanting him to talk like this to or in front of your children.

I'm not sure I would want to stay with someone like this.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 03/04/2022 15:38

How are things today OP?

iCod · 03/04/2022 16:22

[quote Workinghardeveryday]@Bigbonesmeatandgravy sorry, but I really don’t want to share.

It was with a girl messing around as kids, nothing major, just something very private and yeah, wish I had never told anyone ever[/quote]
Until you say what it was this makes no sense

Octomore · 03/04/2022 16:30

An adult man who isn't your DD's dad was talking to her about sex / sexual experiences. This is massively inappropriate, regardless of what he shared with her. You know this kind of thing is a red flag for grooming, don't you?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 03/04/2022 16:39

I hope you have binned him op.
Your dd's don't need such a man around. And neither do you.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 03/04/2022 22:40

Things have been very shit.

We have had an argument and he has stormed off on his car - as usual.

I told him not to bother coming back

OP posts:
NewBootsAndRanty · 03/04/2022 22:41

Here's hoping he doesn't!

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 03/04/2022 22:49

He’s come back, refuses to talk to me and gone to bed. He never goes to bed until after midnight.

I just feel like it’s a form of control.

OP posts:
Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 03/04/2022 22:54

Seriously, any advice welcome. Every single time he fucks up and upsets me, I firstly calmly explain why I am hurt/upset, I get silent treatment then refusal to discuss, will leave and come back later, then go to bed. All the while I am sat chewed up and upset.

What am I meant to do?

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 03/04/2022 22:57

If he was a decent person he would be sorry that he had hurt you. He's not sorry and is now also punishing you.

I think that, ultimately, he is not on 'your side' when it really matters.

st1cky · 03/04/2022 23:04

It sounds like he is gaslighting you, using silence and sulking to throw you off guard.

This behaviour is not acceptable OP, he sounds abusive.

What he has done with regard to telling an intimate secret to your daughter, exaggerating it to make it more explicit and discussing it with your child without your consent, is highly worrying, inappropriate and cause for concern.

I wouldn't normally say this, but I'd end it.

TheArtfulBlogger · 03/04/2022 23:08

@Workinghardeveryday

He’s come back, refuses to talk to me and gone to bed. He never goes to bed until after midnight.

I just feel like it’s a form of control.

Absolutely he is controlling. He has acted disgustingly but rather than resolve it, his coercive behaviour (that includes humiliation) is making you pay for being upset with him.

@Workinghardeveryday I am sorry - you have a much bigger problem than his saying what he did in front of your daughter.

What would you say to DD if her partner treated her like this? Whatever your answer to that question will show you what you must do next x

NewBootsAndRanty · 03/04/2022 23:12

The only honest advice I can give is to leave - he's being sexually inappropriate around/towards your daughter and a total shit to you.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 03/04/2022 23:12

I am so fed up of the silent treatment.

When he is done with it I get a very half hearted apology. Over and over.

I stuck up for myself, followed him to bed and said I wanted to talk, as in clearly saying how dare you decide the conversation is over. He just got up and went downstairs and will sleep on the sofa.

He makes out I am in the wrong for wanting to continue the conversation when he knows I am upset.

I don’t think so. Am I the one in the wrong?

OP posts:
TheArtfulBlogger · 03/04/2022 23:19

Am I the one in the wrong?

Only if you allow this to continue - think of the brilliant example to your dc if you put a stop to it forever in ending the destructive cycle by ending the relationship.

You deserves more than his cruelty, and they definitely deserve more than being brought up thinking this is acceptable behaviour from a man.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 03/04/2022 23:24

You are right. Thank you x

OP posts:
TabithaTittlemouse · 03/04/2022 23:50

You were a young child. You said it was consensual, please do not allow your dp to make you feel ashamed.

He is gaslighting you. Do not let your dd’s think that this is a normal response in a relationship.
My Dh knows so many of my deepest darkest secrets and wouldn’t dream of telling anyone.

Sprucewillis · 04/04/2022 00:04

He has betrayed your confidence. He will never earn it back. He doesn't have your back. He has used your deepest secret for entertainment to score cool points with your daughter.

Now you are in trouble for calling him out on his bad behaviour. Yes he is controlling you. Yes he is coercing you into reactive abuse, so that he can be a victim of your over reaction.

I actually think you didn't react strongly enough. If anyone betrayed a secret like that of mine that would be it for me.

He knew what he was doing.

Try to remember that you haven't done anything wrong. Try to remember that your 11DD is still upset about her own situation. Don't let her see your shame because that's what she will think is the right response. Your 16DD is immature and has not right to judge you. I would sit her down and have a chat with her. Tell her 'so what' you were only 11.

As for the embellishments on the story from DP. I think you know he's not a keeper.

Newestname002 · 04/04/2022 00:11

Sending strength to you @Workinghardeveryday. What you have to do now won't be easy but he's thrown a brick through your relationship and this is affecting yourself and your daughter. How do you come back from this with someone who'll score points by betraying your trust this way? 🌹

IncompleteSenten · 04/04/2022 00:34

What are you meant to do?

Well, if it was me, I'd end the relationship because he sounds like a wanker.

changeyourname11111 · 04/04/2022 00:37

@IncompleteSenten

So really what happened was he told your daughter his sexually explicit fantasy about you as a child with another child.

And when you told him it was inappropriate, he started to sulk and now he's punishing you for not wanting him to talk like this to or in front of your children.

I'm not sure I would want to stay with someone like this.

This
WinterDeWinter · 04/04/2022 00:50

Op, why are you refusing to address the point that many posters have made - that his saying this to his 16yo stepdaughter is creepy and sexualising of her ? You are focusing on completely the wrong thing. You're in denial.

theschitt · 04/04/2022 01:03

Horrific and I would consider this man to be not safe in a house with teenage girls.

He obviously doesn't (or maybe he does?) understand how inappropriate his behaviour is and that why he's trying to gaslight you.

I hope your daughters are ok, and you can keep him away from them.

Monty27 · 04/04/2022 01:15

He has completely betrayed you to YOUR daughter, insensitively on every level and is now in bed because you are upset.
This is such an unhealthy environment for young children. LTB do whatever it takes.
He's a loser. Get rid.