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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp told dd my most embarrassing private secret

313 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 02/04/2022 19:16

For some fucked up reason - him trying to be funny, told my dd16 whilst joking about a sexual experience I had when I was experimenting and young.

I could have actually died inside. No one knows, only him. I made light of it snd joked it obviously wasn’t true etc - she knew.

I feel so embarrassed and humiliated and deceived.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/04/2022 18:42

The more you try to push him to talk, the more he will push you away. He is telling you he will not be ‘controlled’ in any shape or form, when in fact it sounds as if he is the controlling one.

Please stop trying to smooth it over for your children. You can only control your behaviour. The best thing you can do for them is to show them how to model a strong woman.

You seem too preoccupied with him, perhaps obsessed. This isn’t a healthy. Idk if this is based on self protection but I don’t believe your children will have been that upset not to eat with dad. I think you are projecting your emotions on them. They would have been fine to eat without him. They aren’t babies. It sounds as if you cannot stand his silent treatment and are pretending they cannot cope, when it is you, who is not coping with his behaviour.

I get it. Due to my past, I used to act in this way. Then I got therapy.

Have you spoken to your 16 yo about what he said? I think I’d be tackling that one. I think you should come clean about it, what really happened and that you were shamed for it.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/04/2022 18:54

@Mummyoflittledragon

The more you try to push him to talk, the more he will push you away. He is telling you he will not be ‘controlled’ in any shape or form, when in fact it sounds as if he is the controlling one.

Please stop trying to smooth it over for your children. You can only control your behaviour. The best thing you can do for them is to show them how to model a strong woman.

You seem too preoccupied with him, perhaps obsessed. This isn’t a healthy. Idk if this is based on self protection but I don’t believe your children will have been that upset not to eat with dad. I think you are projecting your emotions on them. They would have been fine to eat without him. They aren’t babies. It sounds as if you cannot stand his silent treatment and are pretending they cannot cope, when it is you, who is not coping with his behaviour.

I get it. Due to my past, I used to act in this way. Then I got therapy.

Have you spoken to your 16 yo about what he said? I think I’d be tackling that one. I think you should come clean about it, what really happened and that you were shamed for it.

Really good post ^^
Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 04/04/2022 19:01

@Sprucewillis @Melsuleenia and everyone else that has been so kind.

I don’t know why I didn’t serve tea when it was ready, suppose I thought it rude not too and just didn’t want the kids to start asking where was daddy like there was a problem.

I can see I should have now and just had it without him.

OP posts:
IAMGE · 04/04/2022 19:02

I’m sorry but tea should only be ruined for him. He sounds like a right charmer not. He controls what you say and do and how you respond. And if you don’t dance to his tune he will punish you and them to bring them into line.
Never pressure anyone to talk or follow them.

But I would be sleeping in my bed and he would be downstairs, is it your house? If so ask him to go.

Never feel ashamed of an experience you had as a child.

NdefH81 · 04/04/2022 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

IAMGE · 04/04/2022 19:03

I thought he isn’t their dad? I must be confused. Have your tea without him.where is x - I don’t know. When he communicates it to me I will let you know etc

NdefH81 · 04/04/2022 19:06

Your children aren’t young.

Surely you see that their father not joining them for dinner would not be the primary cause of what makes them unhappy

Rather fact theirs a horrific atmosphere in the house; a mother banging around in the kitchen over a ruined dinner; a father sending their mother to Coventry; and a father that makes up sexual stories about mother to share with his youngest daughter?

Melsuleenia · 04/04/2022 19:09

To commentators above. Just sit back, pause and reflect.

The OP is being abused. She is tumbling to the fact now. OP is on the FOG.

She deserves help and support and not commendation.

OP have a hot bath tonight. Sleep in a separate room. Gather your thoughts.

I'm certainly thinking of you tonight. You can and you will do this x

IrishMama2015 · 04/04/2022 19:26

OP please put your girls first. In all ways even with tea. Have you considered speaking privately to your older DD and seeing if this is the first time he has spoken inappropriately around her?

TheArtfulBlogger · 04/04/2022 20:23

He is making this a lot easier for you @Workinghardeveryday

Every time he acts like a controlling, abusive arse, your decision gets clearer and clearer

ladydimitrescu · 04/04/2022 21:35

You need to put your girls first. It's really sad that they ended up with beans on toast because you insisted on waiting for your partner. They are 11 and 16 - why would they be upset he was running late and you went on and ate? They're probably more upset that they sat waiting and ended up with beans on toast instead. Stop attaching your self worth and happiness to this man and protect your daughters.
The more you've posted the more obvious it's become that they are growing up in a horrible environment and you need to get them
Away from it. My first post I couldn't see the issue at all, I was so wrong - as the thread has moved on it's so very clear there is something really wrong here.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 04/04/2022 21:41

Ok thank you.

You are right I should have left his to warm up. I just didn’t want more trouble for doing so, but you are right, I shouldn’t have let it spoil. I did put a lot of effort into it in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 04/04/2022 21:42

You know, I do put my kids first, dd16, dd11 and ds11.

You might not think so but I really really do.

OP posts:
Sprucewillis · 04/04/2022 21:48

@Workinghardeveryday

Ok thank you.

You are right I should have left his to warm up. I just didn’t want more trouble for doing so, but you are right, I shouldn’t have let it spoil. I did put a lot of effort into it in the first place.

I find the fact you say you would be in trouble for heating through his dinner very worrying OP.

You are so immersed in this abusive relationship you can't see what the rest of us can.

If you get the chance please ring womens aid as soon as you can. I know it's hard to think what to do for the best. Or even where to start. I think a good place would be a discussion with a professional advisor.

In the mean time please look after your girls and yourself. Please don't let him make anymore inappropriate comments to them about you or anyone else. Especially to make fun of or make light of your youngest DC or you.

You really deserve better. Your daughters really deserve better. Good luck OP.

HappyMeal564 · 04/04/2022 22:17

He is very much in the wrong. Set an example to your girls now, they have had their tea put to the side and ruined while waiting on him, and they have been in a very unpleasant atmosphere. They are big enough to not get upset that their dad isn't eating enough but they are still little enough to watch, learn and copy behaviour.

HappyMeal564 · 04/04/2022 22:18

Sorry, kids, I see you also have a boy.

Qazwsxefv · 04/04/2022 22:42

You don’t need to talk to him. He has been sexually inappropriate with DD16. You need to make an escape plan.

Think if the younger DCs went into school and said what they had heard (or even if DD16 did if the teachers were alert) then would they have concerns? I think they would.

You need to all get out. Start making plans. It sounds like DD16 and you are in a difficult place as well - can she stay at her dads or another relative for a bit so she’s safe?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/04/2022 22:57

"My stepdad told me that when my mum was my little sister's age, which is eleven, she (insert his description of a child in a sexual situation here)."

A man who causes this description of home life to be a remote possibility let alone a 100% reality (as you heard what he said to her) is not a man you should remain in a relationship with.

There's a reason that you wouldn't want her to tell a teacher that. I presume you wouldn't want her to anyway. And it's because it's inherently wrong and inexcusable behaviour on his part.

ladydimitrescu · 04/04/2022 23:57

I actually really feel for you op. You sound so defeated and upset. I'm so sorry, it must be a total mind fuck to realise you've been in an abusive relationship without even realising. Thanks

EmeraldShamrock1 · 05/04/2022 00:04

I'm glad things are unravelling for you.

I knew he was abusive from his silent treatment, its difficult to see the control when you're in the relationship.

It's a harsh reality once the cracks get bigger. Flowers

GiantHaystacks2021 · 05/04/2022 04:56

Sorry now but you need to stop doing stuff for him.
He can go get his own tea and other eats, laundry etc.

He obviously has form for this and you should split up with him.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 05/04/2022 07:14

I have done a lot of reading on gaslighting. His behaviour is txt book.

Last night the silent treatment continued, I went to bed, we started txting. I read the txts back, it’s me calling out his behaviour, no explanation from him and him twisting everything around to be my fault then literally saying he didn’t say xyz I am crazy when he just did.

It’s our anniversary today, he has blamed me for ruining it and I ruin everything, I have done it on purpose apparently. He has the day off because we were meant to go for lunch for a treat as we never go out.

I don’t want to be around him never mind go for lunch. Stupid thing is I feel guilty if I don’t, I would have ruined his day off. I feel very confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 05/04/2022 09:43

We talked this morning, I explained it wasn’t fair or ok when he gaslightings.

Ended up with him loosing his temper twice. He has stormed out told me he can’t fucking stand me and hates me and calling it a day.

OP posts:
diddl · 05/04/2022 09:44

Of course you haven't ruined his day off.

He is a nasty abusive prick who gaslights you!

He is ruining it by being silent.

Although I'd take not having to interact with him as a blessing!

He has been sexually inappropriate towards your 16yr old.

He needs to be gone.

diddl · 05/04/2022 09:46

" He has stormed out told me he can’t fucking stand me and hates me and calling it a day."

Well let's hope he sticks to that.