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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp told dd my most embarrassing private secret

313 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 02/04/2022 19:16

For some fucked up reason - him trying to be funny, told my dd16 whilst joking about a sexual experience I had when I was experimenting and young.

I could have actually died inside. No one knows, only him. I made light of it snd joked it obviously wasn’t true etc - she knew.

I feel so embarrassed and humiliated and deceived.

OP posts:
Geppili · 04/04/2022 02:37

He is weird and inappropriate and has no sense of boundaries.

wtfwasthatmate · 04/04/2022 04:02

Loads of people have given you advice. Everyone is telling you he is wrong and dodgy and you'd be better off leaving him. No one is going to tell you he's right.

CrumpetStrumpet · 04/04/2022 04:33

So he makes utterly inappropriate sexual comments in front of your daughter and then gets annoyed at your (very justified) anger.

What does this man bring to your lives? Because he sounds like a prick and someone who isn't safe to be around young girls.

CheekyHobson · 04/04/2022 05:38

Seriously, any advice welcome. Every single time he fucks up and upsets me, I firstly calmly explain why I am hurt/upset, I get silent treatment then refusal to discuss, will leave and come back later, then go to bed. All the while I am sat chewed up and upset.

What am I meant to do?

Tell him that his way of dealing with conflicts doesn't work for you.

Say you know that even in the best relationships, there will be conflicts – differences of opinion, people hurting each other unintentionally. However in healthy relationships, when a conflict arises, both partners listen respectfully and with interest/care to what the other has to say (even if it is difficult to hear), acknowledges the other's viewpoint as valid and is prepared to stick with the discussion long enough to find a resolution that both can agree to.

If one partner is getting overwhelmed by the conversation, they can ask to take a break and propose to discuss it again at "X" time but they can't just storm off and refuse to discuss it because they're becoming uncomfortable or tell the other person that their view isn't valid and therefore doesn't need to be considered.

If he can't commit to changing the current dynamic to one that's healthy and allows the two of you to reach resolutions where you both feel at peace, then say you don't think the relationship can continue.

felulageller · 04/04/2022 08:50

The silent treatment now is totally not on.

I'm sorry you carry the shame from your childhood experience. It is so common. But I understand this is hard to let go of.

He sounds creepy and I'd be very aware if there are any other grooming type behaviours, they do this for years before they actually abuse their victims.

IncompleteSenten · 04/04/2022 09:15

"every single time he fucks up"

How many 'every single time's are too many for you?

AmIbeingTreasonable · 04/04/2022 09:31

You seem to be ignoring the massive red flags around your daughter's safety.

NowEvenBetter · 04/04/2022 10:53

Um…you’re still focusing on your gross boyfriend not speaking to you instead of him being sexually inappropriate with your kids? Not too bothered about that? Wow.

NowEvenBetter · 04/04/2022 10:54

Your thread is full of advice, you’re choosing to ignore it.

NdefH81 · 04/04/2022 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Sprucewillis · 04/04/2022 11:56

@NdefH81

The OP is an ostrich parent

It’s a form of child abuse

What are you on? The OP is not an ostrich she's asking for advice? How is it helpful the just troll a post. Do one.
NdefH81 · 04/04/2022 12:25

And she’s focussing on the silent treatment to HER
Rather than potential risks to her DD

NdefH81 · 04/04/2022 12:25

Are you also an ostrich parent?

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 04/04/2022 12:35

@NdefH81 do one.

How can I possibly discuss any concerns I have unless her will speak to me?

A few posters are making out he a potential threat to my dd’s.

I don’t think so. The reasons for this are he has never been inappropriate before. What he said he said in jest, he thought it would be funny, he really isn’t a funny person in the slightest and got it wrong.

You had to be there to understand.

My issue is he told her a very private secret that I am ashamed of thinking it would be funny which it obviously wasn’t. Then went on to disregard my feelings straight after a half hearted apology. Then silent treatment more or less since.

I had my 4th booster on Sunday and feeling pretty shit today and I still get the coldness from him. He thinks he has done nothing wrong and I am overreacting.

OP posts:
NdefH81 · 04/04/2022 12:37

Contradiction

You can’t you can’t discuss any concerns with him

Then go on to say you have no concerns

NowEvenBetter · 04/04/2022 12:39

Oh ffs, you don’t need to ‘discuss concerns’, obviously you tell him he does NOT make sexual remarks to your kids, ever. Be very clear about that. Advocate for your kids. And you tell him if he will not behave in a decent manner, he will get out of the house. Permanently.

Is this not obvious?

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 04/04/2022 12:39

My bad. I explained it incorrectly.

You surely understand what I am try to say though?

Why be so nasty for the sake of it? Are you generally like that with other people in your life or just on here?

Just kick me when I am down why don’t you

OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 04/04/2022 12:41

But he didn't just tell the secret. You said he also created another fantasy that never happened...regarding two sexualised 11 year olds to a 16 year old.

NdefH81 · 04/04/2022 12:44

@Workinghardeveryday

My bad. I explained it incorrectly.

You surely understand what I am try to say though?

Why be so nasty for the sake of it? Are you generally like that with other people in your life or just on here?

Just kick me when I am down why don’t you

No I’m confused

Do you or don’t you have concerns?

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 04/04/2022 12:44

I don’t.

I can’t discuss any concerns over anything at all if he won’t speak to me

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/04/2022 12:45

You say he's not a funny person and that you can't discuss things with him.

And he's said something not only inappropriate but also betrayed your confidence while doing so.

His conflict style is to be defensive, dish out the silent treatment, tell your you're over reacting, storm off out 'as usual' (so he has form) and continue to refuse to talk to you.

Are those really qualities in someone you want to be with for the rest of your life?

He sounds like an immature, unkind and selfish bloke.

NdefH81 · 04/04/2022 12:48

So the “concerns” you want to talk about are nothing to do with your daughters
And all to do with your relationship with him?

As I say - ostrich

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 04/04/2022 12:48

@youvegottenminuteslynn I think so too.

His defensive is that he said sorry, I should just let it go but instead I want to continue talking about it, I am in the wrong

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 04/04/2022 12:52

You don't need a conversation to end your relationship..
Just dump him.
What's to discuss?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/04/2022 13:13

[quote Workinghardeveryday]@youvegottenminuteslynn I think so too.

His defensive is that he said sorry, I should just let it go but instead I want to continue talking about it, I am in the wrong[/quote]
How awful Sad He's showing his true colours. He needs to go,I'd never trust him again.