Dp told dd my most embarrassing private secret

[Workinghardeveryday]

For some fucked up reason - him trying to be funny, told my dd16 whilst joking about a sexual experience I had when I was experimenting and young.

I could have actually died inside. No one knows, only him. I made light of it snd joked it obviously wasn’t true etc - she knew.

I feel so embarrassed and humiliated and deceived.

@Workinghardeveryday

Very very half hearted apology.

Probably because he feels bad, instead of ‘making it up to me’, I always get the silent treatment

And yet you continue to stay with the shitbag of a man. Start taking responsibility for your choices.

@Loginmystery

I am so sorry for you. I think it’s awful that he’s let you down. And awful that you were shamed as a child. No wonder you’re such a kind and supportive parent now. In my opinion and what I’d do right now in your situation is I’d take the 16 year old out for a walk and drink/ snack. I’d tell her about the shame you felt as a child and how disappointed and humiliated you feel about what’s happened tonight. I’d just share the feelings openly. You can then discuss how she needs to be kind to her sister. I’d be out for an hour. Then I’d come home and tell the partner how what he said is totally unacceptable and you take this disloyalty very seriously. And tell him he had better stop with the silent treatment when he has done something so wrong. I’m being very specific about what I’d do because I have girls the same age and we do have some issues. If you have a good relationship with your 16 year old I would talk more about it. So sorry that this has happened.

Excellent post.

It really isn’t up to him to decide it “wasn’t that bad” this was YOUR private information.

Someone posted this on a thread the other day from the “my wife leave me because I left dishes in sink” guy and I think it really applies here too:

“The world’s number one marriage killer — I believe — is a sneaky little conversation pattern that I call the Invalidation Triple Threat.

You may participate in this poisonous verbal merry-go-round too, but women are on the receiving end of it far more often than men. This must have happened several times a week in my marriage, and each time it effectively told my wife I didn’t consider her feelings or opinions equal to mine.

Scenario 1: ‘Your Thoughts Are Wrong’

Something happened that led to my wife experiencing pain or another negative emotion — anger, embarrassment, fear, sadness. Say, I made a joke at her expense in front of friends. The first version of the Invalidation Triple Threat involves judging other people’s recollection of events or perception of reality as flawed.

‘But wait,’ I’d say. ‘Everyone knew it was a joke! You’re getting the facts wrong. What really happened was . . .’

If the event didn’t happen the way she said it did, there was no longer any reason for her to feel bad about it or keep making me responsible for her feelings. Problem solved!“

I wonder how he'd feel if you revealed something he'd told you in confidence!

I get it OP. Not only did he reveal something about you that was private and you still have strong negative feelings about, but he had to take one step further, and more (untrue)detail.Make it more than it was,to what end?

And now he's giving you the silent treatment and making it all your fault. You say he has form for this. This relationship is all kinds of shit.

I have gone from embarrassed to angry.

How dare he make out I am over reacting. How flipping dare he!!!

He is a creepy weirdo. It's not homophobic to be horrified that stepdad fabricated an 11 year old child performing a sex act on another child.
I hope you've got the "ick" now and can protect yourself and your daughters. Keep him well away, OP, no good will come of this.

I don’t blame you for being angry. He’s disgusting, perverted and a creep. I would kick him out. 🤮

@NowEvenBetter

Your boyfriend is being dangerously inappropriate with your kids, can you safeguard them? There’s no excuse for him making sexual remarks to kids, surely you see how appalling this is.

This

I would be livid. Also would start to question if he's getting a bit of a perv thing going. Yuk. I know it's absolutely stupid to retaliate but if he's shared stuff e.g:
"ha ha, it was so funny that we groped each other whilst playing rugby and then pissed on each other in the showers after!!! That would only be if we were unlucky not to have the shared bath . . ."
Wanker. That's a very private discussion you shared with him in what you thought was a safe environment - honestly makes me want to punch him in the face on your behalf (even though I'm non violent plus feeble).

Hi OP,

I am so sorry your 'D'P has put you and your daughters in this situation. It is awful for someone to behave your trust like that. I am sorry you feel such shame about something from your past when you were so little and you don't deserve to feel so ashamed, you were a little girl!

I don't mean to alarm you at all I'm sorry, but please please keep an eye out for your daughters and maybe even have another little chat with them that they can talk to you anytime about anything.

Without being alarmist, when I was groomed by my father before he began physically hurting me, little comments were used that I fear may be similar in your case. He talked to me about sexual things to desensitise me to it and he also tried to create the feeling that he and I had a good bond that nobody else understood and sort of me and him against the world kind of thing by turning me against people close to me (mum, sisters, aunts, teachers at school etc).

When I did try to talk to mum here or there over the years, she was in complete denial. It was devastating. Adults can choose situations they are in and have the ability to leave from a situation and relationship if they wish, children are just so much more vulnerable. Please please just keep an eye out for them.

The way he has reacted afterwards and the silence treatment also seem red flags also.

Take care OP x

I don't know how to share @muddypawprints but basically agree. I didn't have same experience but similar and sexualisation of child

Hit post too soon. Sexualisation of children is absolutely in any form is abhorrent. I had so many experiences as a child - family (NOT my father!!!) and my mother was the dismissive one. When I told her of her ONE of the pervy neighbours her reaction was she was my glad my dad didn't know - because he was dead.
You're completely entitled to feel the way you do. He's disgusting.

@NowEvenBetter

Your boyfriend is being dangerously inappropriate with your kids, can you safeguard them? There’s no excuse for him making sexual remarks to kids, surely you see how appalling this is.

I agree too

He talked to me about sexual things to desensitise me to it and he also tried to create the feeling that he and I had a good bond that nobody else understood and sort of me and him against the world kind of thing.
I'm truly sorry you went through that.

The paragraph above were my first thoughts when I read the OP.

Planting the seed. The immediate response from pp's if he is her Dad, then the silent treatment, gaslighting OP for her reaction.

Your advice is very useful. I hope you are doing well now.

Your boyfriend is being dangerously inappropriate with your kids
I think he's DD2 Father if he is involved with DD1 life from 2 years old

Just a reminder that 1 in 20 children are sexually abused, most often by a man, and by a man who knows them. Being a single mother to a daughter, you were already vulnerable, and this male is in your kids house, discussing not appropriate sexualised topics with children, , dismissing you, downplaying his actions, punishing you. You need to get this man away from your kids.

Yeah, that’s unfortunate if he’s a father to a kid. Red flags galore.

Dads, especially step dads who push boundaries, especially around sexual banter are a huge red flag. When I was that age my friends step dad, who'd been with her mum since she was a toddler, pushed boundaries in a similar way. We all thought he was fun and cool. Years later I found out that he was sexually abusing her.
The silent treatment on top of being out of order just raises more flags, it is controlling and aimed at making you feel like you're the one with the problem. I am sorry OP. You do need to be open and honest with your DDs so that they know they can always talk to you about everything as well.

So he betrayed a confidence and embroidered it into something much more than it was so he could tell your 16 year old daughter about oral sex. I don't have daughters but I simply can't imagine my husband saying this sort of thing to them or to my sons for that matter. The fact that he says it wasn't inappropriate and is giving you the silent treatment gives me chills.

@NowEvenBetter

Your boyfriend is being dangerously inappropriate with your kids, can you safeguard them? There’s no excuse for him making sexual remarks to kids, surely you see how appalling this is.

I think that that sums it up.

I hope you get rid of him!

Very inappropriate OP. You best bloody hope no teachers at her school hear, I doubt your DH will want to explain that to safeguarding

Re read the thread again and it’s quite confusing

He doesn’t respect you, OP. It’s horrible when someone reveals that when you’ve trusted them.

As others have said, the sexual element of what he said is worrying. Who talks like that to young girls, and especially about their mother? It’s all gross - not what you did, his elaborating on it and joking about it with your DD. Horrible.