Dp told dd my most embarrassing private secret

[Workinghardeveryday]

For some fucked up reason - him trying to be funny, told my dd16 whilst joking about a sexual experience I had when I was experimenting and young.

I could have actually died inside. No one knows, only him. I made light of it snd joked it obviously wasn’t true etc - she knew.

I feel so embarrassed and humiliated and deceived.

Not only did he breach your trust, he's been creepy and inappropriat and is now giving you the silent treatment. He's the prize that just keeps on giving.

Why is it a problem your daughter knows you experimented with another girl in the past? You’re being deliberately vague and people can’t give proper advice if you’re not willing to say what it was.

I think it also matters if Dd11 came to him with her concerns rather than just saying he’s a perv for taking to an 11 yr old about sex.

Generally stepdads are best not talking to their tween stepdaughters about sex but if she came to him as a trusted adult to talk about something that was worrying her then it’s totally reasonable that he has that conversation with her.

Ideally stepdad shouldn’t need to chat about sex etc with stepdaughters but if he is in the role of dad he might need to - say DD16 is off on a date and he’s dropping her off - reasonable to check she’s ok with how to stop any unwelcome advances and about condoms. I’m sure I died inside everytime my dad dropped me off with “call me whatever time if you need a pick up for whatever reason and don’t have sex but if you do have sex only if you want to and have you got condoms?” But the time I did need to call him I did - I think it’s too simplistic to say stepdads should never mention sex.

Bloody hell OP

Way to show your girls how to feel shame about something that happened decades ago when you were 12

I have no problem either of my daughters knowing I had experiences with a girl when I was younger. It was what dp said, he said something along the lines of me going down on a girl (which I did not in the slightest, nothing like that at all).

Thought it was funny. Now dd16 thinks I did that!

I think it really depends what actually happened when you were 11. If it was a kiss then I can see how he might not realise this would be a huge secret for you. However whatever the situation the silent treatment is not okay.

If my H. thought it was more funny/gross than shameful, I'd be grateful he could see it that way & want to follow his example.

Why won’t you clarify context? There is a world of difference between:

“Your mum snogged a girl when she was 11” and explicit sexual details.

Out of interest, would you have been so mortified if it wasn’t same-sex and at such pains to tell DD1 it wasn’t true?

So he didn't say what you did?
He over exaggerated and over sexualised an 11 year old?

@NdefH81

Bloody hell OP

Way to show your girls how to feel shame about something that happened decades ago when you were 12

Don't be so idiotic. No kid wants to hear about their parent having sex.

He did say and then went on to say the rest that didn’t happened

I can understand why you’re upset if he’s lying or massively exaggerating things and I agree he definitely shouldn’t have told your child that even if it was true, however, you’re not helping matters by getting flustered and immediately denying it to your daughter who is displaying homophobic attitudes, you’re basically just reinforcing that same sex experiences are wrong and shameful. Would have been better to ask him why he’s exaggerating and tell (an appropriate version of) the truth about what happened.

If he revealed abuse, I would be absolutely distraught. If he shared a sexual experience I shared in confidence I would be fuming. There isn't really any scenario when this is ok.

I'm left wondering why you lied which would suggest it's not ok if it was female Vs female (might be more to it I'm sure), so perhaps there are some unresolved feelings for you. If it's something you would like to explore, therapy could be helpful. I had some therapy for sexual experiences which were disturbing but could have been considered to be consensual in some people's view.

Dd11 has no idea about conversation with dd16 obviously

I see no red flags here whatsoever other than your dp being a twat by trying to help but getting it totally wrong. It sounds like he was trying to give context and back up what you were explaining to dd16. You were saying what your dd11 is feeling/doing is fine, he’s saying ‘exactly, your mother did something similar’. You denying it and being mortified about it has unfortunately probably signalled to your dd16 that you actually think it is wrong.
OP, most people experimented as kids. Letting go of your shame over this will certainly benefit both you and your dds.

Also, I don’t really understand why in the beginning of the thread and in the title you say he told a very private shameful secret and now when being pressured to say what it was you’re saying it didn’t happen??

OP I don't want the details however could you clarify if the experience was consensual with someone of similar age or was it abusive?
Context is everything.
I suspect it is number 1.

@Elsiebear90

I can understand why you’re upset if he’s lying or massively exaggerating things and I agree he definitely shouldn’t have told your child that even if it was true, however, you’re not helping matters by getting flustered and immediately denying it to your daughter who is displaying homophobic attitudes, you’re basically just reinforcing that same sex experiences are wrong and shameful. Would have been better to ask him why he’s exaggerating and tell (an appropriate version of) the truth about what happened.

These were my feelings as well.

He shouldn't have broken a confidence and he should have left you to talk to your daughters. But humiliated seems a bit over the top. I'd just explain that you were experimenting, which is perfectly common for children. It sounds like you're more shocked by it than your daughter is.

Why does the context matter though? It's something private that was told to her DP in confidence. He should not have shared it with anyone. Doesn't matter if it's something to feel ashamed about or not. It was private.

I think you need to be having serious words with your older daughter about being mean to your younger daughter for liking girls. That is not on and you denying your own experience only re-enforces that her behaviour is acceptable.

As for your DH, to me it seems like he was just sticking up for your younger daughter (in a kak handed way) by saying her feelings are perfectly normal as you liked a girl in the past.

I wouldn’t want someone like that effectively raising my daughters

The way I read it there was absolutely no need for him to say anything to the 16yr old.

She obviously needed a bollocking for laughing at her sister & that was all imo.

He has no business relating Op's history to anyone in any context at all.

Well, he’s a dick who has given you the ick.

Betrayed your confidence.
Wrong footed you & your kids in a thoughtful conversation about intimate matters.
Does not consider your reaction & respect your concerns.
Now having a sulk.

Your kids are growing up.
Emotional dynamics between couples change as the kids go through puberty & teen years.
He may like to reflect upon what is required of him as the family dynamics change to include teens/young adults.
Peak periods of marriage breakdowns are those with teens in the family.