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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp told dd my most embarrassing private secret

313 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 02/04/2022 19:16

For some fucked up reason - him trying to be funny, told my dd16 whilst joking about a sexual experience I had when I was experimenting and young.

I could have actually died inside. No one knows, only him. I made light of it snd joked it obviously wasn’t true etc - she knew.

I feel so embarrassed and humiliated and deceived.

OP posts:
lljkk · 02/04/2022 20:51

xpost when OP finally gave a specific detail..

If your children thought worse of you for having that experience -- they would be wrong. It shouldn't matter if the DD16 thinks it's true or not.

As for the sexual theme chitchat... I dunno. DH & (now adult DD) fire sexual innuendo at each other frequently (and long have done). He's a wind up merchant & she can't resist upping the ante (any competition she wants to win). They both think it's hilarious, normally finishing with her screeching "GROSS!!" in the sort of tone a child uses when they squeal "Stop tickling me!" They are actually very close & there's a lot of honesty in the relationship.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 02/04/2022 20:51

It was consensual with another 11 year old.

I it a memory I would never share but did with dp years ago. We were caught and shamed for it.

That feeling has never left me. Tonight was reliving the shame.

It isn’t anything a dd16 should or want to hear about their mother.

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 02/04/2022 20:53

It really does depend, was it a careless way of him telling your 16 year old it's perfectly normal?
Eg- "well your mum experimented when she was your sisters age" - in that context, whilst clumsily worded I can sort of see what he was trying to do.
If it was "well your mum did this aged 11 hahaha" then yes it's an issue.

Your 16 year old DD should be reprimanded for being so awful to her sister though - awful and spiteful.

Qazwsxefv · 02/04/2022 20:54

Your updates make it sound like DP explicitly described a sex act to your Dd16. Yeah that’s not ok, changing tack slightly from what I said before about step dads discussing sex, explicit descriptions of acts are not ok. Explicit descriptions of acts designed to make your DD16 laugh at you, humiliate you and him and her have a joke is grooming.

However you need to stop being mortified pretty quick. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you having consentual sexual experiences with another same age female. Nothing. And then get you and your girls away ASAP

The ONLY justification their might be would be if Dd11 had told you she was gay or similar. You and DP were then talking about it and YOU were being homophobic and DD16 hears and is also being homophobic. DP then says “you can bloody talk didn’t you do that thing……..”

However he should have been able to call out you and DD16 without explicit descriptions of sexual acts.

diddl · 02/04/2022 20:55

I don't think that it does depend at all.

SweetSakura · 02/04/2022 20:56

Having read your update I am surprised you are ashamed of this and think I can see why you DH thought it would be helpful to share

EmeraldShamrock1 · 02/04/2022 20:57

Honestly let go of the shame.

You did nothing wrong.

If DD1 brings it up, I'd be open to a point and admit kissing a friend.

Talk to DD2, let her know you experienced feelings at her age, telling her it is natural to be curious and how she is feeling is completely normal.

I would let it go with DH too. Flowers

Eugenieonegin · 02/04/2022 20:57

@SweetSakura

Having read your update I am surprised you are ashamed of this and think I can see why you DH thought it would be helpful to share
It isn’t his information to share.
diddl · 02/04/2022 20:58

@SweetSakura

Having read your update I am surprised you are ashamed of this and think I can see why you DH thought it would be helpful to share
Even if Op wasn't ashamed-how was it helpful to share?
Tilltheend99 · 02/04/2022 20:59

What your partner did was messed up and wrong but if your DD11 is upset or confused about her sexuality and you make a massive deal out of this and ‘go to bed and miss the takeaway and film’ then she will assume you are upset and ashamed about her.

You didn’t want your daughters to know about your past experience and that is your right but not they do know the worst thing you can do is lie about it and appear to be ashamed as DD11 will assume she needs to hide who she is and be ashamed.

I think you need to put your hurt aside until you can speak privately to DP about why it was wrong to break your confidence.

PrincessScarlett · 02/04/2022 21:00

So, did I read right that DH said to you what you did when you were 11 and DD1 happened to be in the same room OR did DH specifically tell DD1 what you did?

Qazwsxefv · 02/04/2022 21:01

OP

I am sorry you were caught. I am sorry you were shamed. The person who did that was wrong.

There was nothing shameful in what you did. Unless you live in the UAE or similar please try to be open about that experience.

doineedtotoughenup · 02/04/2022 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ as it quotes a deleted post. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

RiverRats · 02/04/2022 21:01

If he lied then he’s a twat

doineedtotoughenup · 02/04/2022 21:01

I mean on here obviously

babywalker56 · 02/04/2022 21:07

I’m very confused

Loginmystery · 02/04/2022 21:08

I am so sorry for you. I think it’s awful that he’s let you down. And awful that you were shamed as a child. No wonder you’re such a kind and supportive parent now.
In my opinion and what I’d do right now in your situation is I’d take the 16 year old out for a walk and drink/ snack. I’d tell her about the shame you felt as a child and how disappointed and humiliated you feel about what’s happened tonight. I’d just share the feelings openly. You can then discuss how she needs to be kind to her sister. I’d be out for an hour. Then I’d come home and tell the partner how what he said is totally unacceptable and you take this disloyalty very seriously. And tell him he had better stop with the silent treatment when he has done something so wrong.
I’m being very specific about what I’d do because I have girls the same age and we do have some issues. If you have a good relationship with your 16 year old I would talk more about it.
So sorry that this has happened.

doineedtotoughenup · 02/04/2022 21:09

@Elsiebear90

Also, I don’t really understand why in the beginning of the thread and in the title you say he told a very private shameful secret and now when being pressured to say what it was you’re saying it didn’t happen??
Oh bloody well leave her alone. Supportive?????

Congratulations on having had a perfect life.

wintersparkle1987 · 02/04/2022 21:09

Maybe he did just think he was being funny and his mouth engaged before his brain. It is a betrayal of trust but if it's the first time he's done that I'd probably let him know I was pissed off but get over it eventually.

AthenaPopodopolous · 02/04/2022 21:09

My Mum let’s things like that out for fun. She told me my dad asked to fart on her face and watch her poo. It’s gross but actually hilarious, however, he doesn’t know. I think they’re both mad!
Is there a funny side to this too OP?
In general men are dirty bastards really.

MangshorJhol · 02/04/2022 21:10

So your DD1 was laughing at DD2. And you told a secret to your DP and it was embarrassing and he made fun of you? And shared it?

This is absolutely not on. From either DD1 or DP. It's horrible to laugh at a small child even if that incident happened years ago. It's downright cruel to laugh at the humiliation of anyone, even if the incident was historic.

I would be upset with DP's consummate cruelty as well as his betrayal.

Equally, you should also know that those who shamed you then were wrong. They shouldn't have. And you shouldn't feel that shame. And so perhaps as others have suggested some therapy might be useful.

nldnmum02 · 02/04/2022 21:11

Highly inappropriate and bordering on creepy

doineedtotoughenup · 02/04/2022 21:13

@IAMGE

This in unacceptable on every level. It’s abusive to you. Not his secret to tell and it’s disgusting that he told children.

You can end your relationship over this if you want, just like you can end it over other things. I once ended a relationship as in the heat of an argument my then boyfriend used against me something that had hurt me in the past. He tried to move past it but for me it was a betrayal too far or using something I have confided had hurt me as a child against me. He apologised and apologised and I could not move past it it wasn’t until a work colleague said to be ‘you don’t have to - boundary crossed you don’t need to review or explain or examine his motivations - you can just say ‘I’m ending this and moving on’ you don’t have to justify it.

I don’t know what you experience is but for a man to be talking about sexual experiences with his daughter, step daughter, adopted daughter is queezy and let’s not brush it under the carpet. It’s inappropriate on every level. You deserve protection as much as your daughters.

Hear hear.

Being jeered at for whatever reason, to make a point, used as evidence to back up an argument or just in order to hurt, is not what someone who has your back does.

I repeat, please do not satisfy the voyeurs by giving details

JustLyra · 02/04/2022 21:17

@Workinghardeveryday

I have no problem either of my daughters knowing I had experiences with a girl when I was younger. It was what dp said, he said something along the lines of me going down on a girl (which I did not in the slightest, nothing like that at all).

Thought it was funny. Now dd16 thinks I did that!

That’s very wrong.

Not only was he out of order breaking your confidence, but to exaggerate it and make it more sexually explicit?

I’d be furious.

You have enough to deal with with your 16yo’s attitude without your DP being weird and shit-stirring in an inappropriate way

Sparkletastic · 02/04/2022 21:23

You have nothing to feel ashamed about. 'D'P on the other hand....Can he piss off to spare room, or ideally another house altogether, for the night?

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