Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp told dd my most embarrassing private secret

313 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 02/04/2022 19:16

For some fucked up reason - him trying to be funny, told my dd16 whilst joking about a sexual experience I had when I was experimenting and young.

I could have actually died inside. No one knows, only him. I made light of it snd joked it obviously wasn’t true etc - she knew.

I feel so embarrassed and humiliated and deceived.

OP posts:
romdowa · 02/04/2022 20:13

100% this

Porridgealert · 02/04/2022 20:13

So if I understand, your 11yo was talking about same sex relationship feelings and your 16yo started to make fun of her. So to stand up for your 11yo, your husband revealed a same sex experience you had. Ultimately, your husband revealed a secret he shouldn't have told, but he didn't do it to be malicious to you, he did it to make your daughter feel better?

He was definitely out of order and should be apologising. It was a thoughtless and quite a mean thing to do. But most young girls will have messed around with other girls. It's quite normal. I understand it embarrasses you, but it might have helped your children, so as you can't change the situation, if I were you, I'd embrace it and move on.

I don't see this one incident as a red flag or something I'd leave my partner over.

MarshaBradyo · 02/04/2022 20:14

Don’t share more about it on here

But if you put yourself in your dd’s shoes you can see how wrong this is for her too.

diddl · 02/04/2022 20:16

Wtf?

11yr old talking about personal stuff & is laughed at by 16yr old?

11yr old told about an experience of yours to show that what they were talking about is OK?

Christ!

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 02/04/2022 20:16

I suppose I just feel so violated.

He didn’t say it front of dd11.

I am so embarrassed

OP posts:
Bigbonesmeatandgravy · 02/04/2022 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ as it quotes a deleted post. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

NdefH81 · 02/04/2022 20:20

There is absolutely no encounter that you had aged 11 that should even possibly Meade you went to “die inside with embarrassment”

NdefH81 · 02/04/2022 20:21

Maybe as the 11 year old - yes

No decades later

MakingShiteMemories · 02/04/2022 20:21

He absolutely shouldn't have said it in front of DD16. It's not his business to tell anyone else things you have told him in confidence, and it's not appropriate to talk about her mother's sex life in any way, shape or form. Not even childish messing around.

However: I think an awful lot of us did 'experimental' stuff at that sort of age, but have never given it any thought since (I did, and I haven't). Have you made it in your own mind to be something more or bigger than it really was? If so, could you perhaps think of re-framing it in your own head?

He still shouldn't have said anything, though.

IAMGE · 02/04/2022 20:22

This in unacceptable on every level. It’s abusive to you. Not his secret to tell and it’s disgusting that he told children.

You can end your relationship over this if you want, just like you can end it over other things. I once ended a relationship as in the heat of an argument my then boyfriend used against me something that had hurt me in the past. He tried to move past it but for me it was a betrayal too far or using something I have confided had hurt me as a child against me. He apologised and apologised and I could not move past it it wasn’t until a work colleague said to be ‘you don’t have to - boundary crossed you don’t need to review or explain or examine his motivations - you can just say ‘I’m ending this and moving on’ you don’t have to justify it.

I don’t know what you experience is but for a man to be talking about sexual experiences with his daughter, step daughter, adopted daughter is queezy and let’s not brush it under the carpet. It’s inappropriate on every level. You deserve protection as much as your daughters.

Notanotherwindow · 02/04/2022 20:22

The fact that he would say something like that in front of a 16 year old who isn't even his daughter is inappropriate at best and creepy as fuck at worst.

I actually don't think I'd want him around them anymore as he clearly views them as sexual if he is willing to say things like that in front of them.

I was abused as a child so maybe this is just me projecting but I'd not be comfortable with him living with my kids anymore.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 02/04/2022 20:23

It doesn't take a genius to understand what the remark was referring too, no need for intimate details.

As I said above, so what peers experiment more than we know.

I'm straight. I had my first intimate experience with my friend female, I wasn't much older than you ATT.

If DH told my DD he'd die. I don't think he even knows.

He crossed the line.

Qazwsxefv · 02/04/2022 20:23

There’s a whole lot of difference between:

Dd11 “I think I’m gay”

Dd16 “omg your a fing queer”

DP “nothing wrong with being a lesbian- your mum had a girlfriend at 11”

In which case I think you just need to own it. Would it have been better for DP to say “I had a boyfriend at 11” yes but that might not be true. If Dd11 feels able to confide in you and her stepdad (is he her stepdad) about her sexuality then your doing this parenting thing ok. Dd 16 needs a chat on respect.

However if it was more like:

Dd11: Lucy at school saw me kissing Janie and told everyone I’m so embarrassed

DD16 “omg your a fing queer”

DP: that’s nothing, your mum was seen doing xxxx with xxxxx at 11

Then that’s really worrying. Maybe trying to make Dd11 feel better but more him having a laugh at both or your expense and would worry me about the blurring of sexual boundaries in your house. However if DP saw it was wrong and it was a one off and was truly trying to make DD11 feel better and apologied to all of you and you had a big family chat about boundaries and respect maybe forgivable

If it was anything like:

Dd11“xxx touched me in a way that made me feel bad”

DD16 “omg your a fing queer”

DP “it’s normal your mum was abused by xxxx when she was 11 and I still wanted her so that’s ok”

Then you have a big big issue. And I’m so sorry.

BadNomad · 02/04/2022 20:24

Your eldest daughter was trying to humiliate her younger sister so your DP thought it would be funny to humiliate you too. Nice couple of bullies you have there.

WonderfulYou · 02/04/2022 20:24

I don’t know who I feel for more you or your DD.

This is completely inappropriate and wrong.
He should have told anyone let alone your daughter!!!

Sorry but I could not move past this.

BiscuitLover3678 · 02/04/2022 20:25

Something that happened to you when you were 11?!?

BiscuitLover3678 · 02/04/2022 20:26

What happened? Otherwise this feels like troll vibes.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 02/04/2022 20:27

Dd11 very upset because dd16 was making fun of the fact she might like girls.

I talked to her in private and explained it really didn’t matter if you like boys or girls. Dd16 thought this very entertaining and basically laughed at her about it.

I spoke to dd16 this is not okay and very normal. Just after that dp said in front of dd16 and me, well it’s like that time you xyz. Dd16 jaw dropped and looked devastated. I immediately denied it and made it out to be a none funny joke. She went along with it but totally knew.

I have explained to dp that I feel so humiliated and he shared a very private secret to my DAUGHTER! That I feel humiliated and embarrassed, let down he betrayed my confidence to my daughter of all people. I was calm, kind and nice when I said it.

We are not sat in silence, another kick in the teeth

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 02/04/2022 20:27

I think you need to reassure DD2.

He shouldn't have said it but I hope you were positive with DD2 when she came to you.

ThreeRingCircus · 02/04/2022 20:28

We don't need the details, and it's deeply insensitive to nag the writer to divulge them. They're irrelevant to her problem.

I don't think the details are irrelevant to be honest. He definitely should not have shared private information about OP and I would be going apeshit at him about that but without detail all the "red flags and extremely creepy" posters may be right or they may be jumping to conclusions.

Saying "well, you kissed your friend when you were 11" is VERY different to "well you took part in a group orgy when you were a pre-teen." I'm being OTT but the context is important as to whether this is, in fact creepy.

lljkk · 02/04/2022 20:29

Would you want your daughter to feel humiliated if this secret were hers, and you found out about it by accident?

Elsiebear90 · 02/04/2022 20:29

I can’t give any advice if we don’t know what it was, if you kissed a friend when you were 11 then I think YABVU to feel such shame and be outraged that he told your daughter who was being teased for (what sounds like) questioning her sexuality. There’s nothing wrong with experimenting or being gay, and if that’s all it was you’re sending a very clear message to your child and your partner that you don’t think that’s shameful.

However, if it was something very intimate or concerning abuse then you definitely have every right to be as upset as you are.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 02/04/2022 20:29

DD1 needs to get a grip and grow up. She was very mean.

I can see how he said it, not really percy more on DD2 defence.

So what if your 16 y.o knows you had an experience in the past.

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 02/04/2022 20:30

Why were you calm, nice and kind about it? I’d have ripped his head off.

Maybeimpetty · 02/04/2022 20:30

@Qazwsxefv

There’s a whole lot of difference between:

Dd11 “I think I’m gay”

Dd16 “omg your a fing queer”

DP “nothing wrong with being a lesbian- your mum had a girlfriend at 11”

In which case I think you just need to own it. Would it have been better for DP to say “I had a boyfriend at 11” yes but that might not be true. If Dd11 feels able to confide in you and her stepdad (is he her stepdad) about her sexuality then your doing this parenting thing ok. Dd 16 needs a chat on respect.

However if it was more like:

Dd11: Lucy at school saw me kissing Janie and told everyone I’m so embarrassed

DD16 “omg your a fing queer”

DP: that’s nothing, your mum was seen doing xxxx with xxxxx at 11

Then that’s really worrying. Maybe trying to make Dd11 feel better but more him having a laugh at both or your expense and would worry me about the blurring of sexual boundaries in your house. However if DP saw it was wrong and it was a one off and was truly trying to make DD11 feel better and apologied to all of you and you had a big family chat about boundaries and respect maybe forgivable

If it was anything like:

Dd11“xxx touched me in a way that made me feel bad”

DD16 “omg your a fing queer”

DP “it’s normal your mum was abused by xxxx when she was 11 and I still wanted her so that’s ok”

Then you have a big big issue. And I’m so sorry.

100% to this.

But, like I said before, you really don’t need to be carrying shame all these years later - whatever happened. You were a child.