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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp told dd my most embarrassing private secret

313 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 02/04/2022 19:16

For some fucked up reason - him trying to be funny, told my dd16 whilst joking about a sexual experience I had when I was experimenting and young.

I could have actually died inside. No one knows, only him. I made light of it snd joked it obviously wasn’t true etc - she knew.

I feel so embarrassed and humiliated and deceived.

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 02/04/2022 20:00

I honestly hope this is not real and just someone very bored this evening, because as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse this is raising red flags for me. It's very much "we talked about X in public so you can trust me and tell me Y in private, can't you?"

shssandhr · 02/04/2022 20:01

That's really creepy and inappropriate.
It wasn't his secret to tell for one thing. And some things shouldn't be shared with your children anyway.
He's overstepped the mark by a long way here and I'd not be happy at all.

Bigbonesmeatandgravy · 02/04/2022 20:01

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Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 02/04/2022 20:01

And to top it off I am getting semi silent treatment now!

So pissed off

OP posts:
Kirstos1 · 02/04/2022 20:01

It may have been something quite 'innocent', such as "well remember when you were 11 and you kissed a girl?"

Embarrassing for the op but not necessarily red flags for the partner. Just playing devil's advovate.

AskingforaBaskin · 02/04/2022 20:03

He's not their father and is over sharing intimate and private sexual scenarios.

That is a terrifying red flag.

The fact he is now giving you the silent treatment is worse.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 02/04/2022 20:03

@Bigbonesmeatandgravy sorry, but I really don’t want to share.

It was with a girl messing around as kids, nothing major, just something very private and yeah, wish I had never told anyone ever

OP posts:
Kirstos1 · 02/04/2022 20:03

Silent treatment from which one of them?

If it's from him it would annoy me even more that he has the cheek to be mad about your reaction.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 02/04/2022 20:04

I have no useful advice, but I sympathise you, OP.

A close relative told the rest of our family (without my knowledge) an embarrassing secret I'd shared with her in strictest confidence. I remember the horror I felt when another relative brought it up in conversation, laughing about it. I thought no one else knew and I suddenly felt so horribly exposed. I was devastated.

Though I forgave the relative who had told my secret, it did damage our close relationship and I never again told her anything important to me.

I hope you can move past this with your partner (if you want to stay with him), but I think you would have to make sure he really understood what he had done.

Babyroobs · 02/04/2022 20:04

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JustLyra · 02/04/2022 20:05

@Workinghardeveryday

And to top it off I am getting semi silent treatment now!

So pissed off

At best he doesn't get it and he's in a huff.

At worst he knows this is key point and he's testing your reaction.

Over-sharing sexual things is a massive red flag. As is using anything sexual in a humiliating way.

The phrase red flag is massively over-used on here, but this is not an occasion where it's OTT. It's a massive red flag.

It's creepy. It's odd. It's hugely disrespectful.

Lifeismeh · 02/04/2022 20:05

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Kirstos1 · 02/04/2022 20:06

Yeah if he has told your girls that as an 11 year old you were messing around with a friend and ended up having an orgasm or some like that I would be livid, not gonna lie. It's not his place and they certainly didn't need to know.

Maybeimpetty · 02/04/2022 20:06

[quote Workinghardeveryday]@Bigbonesmeatandgravy sorry, but I really don’t want to share.

It was with a girl messing around as kids, nothing major, just something very private and yeah, wish I had never told anyone ever[/quote]
Op it sounds like you have a lot of shame about it and, as you were a child, you should probably let that shame go.

Is there anyone like a therapist you can talk to about this? To help you let it go?

Your dp was out of order telling your daughter.

But, as a totally separate issue, it sounds like this is something you personally haven’t dealt with and that it sounds like you need to. Flowers

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 02/04/2022 20:07

@Workinghardeveryday

And to top it off I am getting semi silent treatment now!

So pissed off

I've just seen this after commenting. This is a disgrace. If he can't recognise what a shitty thing he did, and genuinely apologise, I don't see how you can trust him again. Flowers
Mummyoflittledragon · 02/04/2022 20:07

I think now he has told you what happened, it would perhaps be more appropriate to explain to your 16 yo dd that times have changed since you were 11. Maybe you were exploited or so forth, rather than pretending it didn’t happen. Flowers

As for him, I’d be absolutely disgusted. And yes, on alert.

Walkingalot · 02/04/2022 20:07

It wasn't his story to share, end of. However, since it's out of the bag and if you really are ok about lesbian relationships then you are giving out the wrong message to both daughters.

namechangeanonymous · 02/04/2022 20:07

I would consider how it was said.
Was it sort of said in the moment and then he was in a Oh shit I can't believe I did that I am so sorry or did he consider what he was about to say and still say it? Although not completely affect how I feel it would matter to me.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 02/04/2022 20:09

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Walkingalot · 02/04/2022 20:09

He's still in the wrong though and you deserve a big apology.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 02/04/2022 20:10

Were you 11 when you had the embarrassing experience, if so he is even more of a dick.

BowiesJumper · 02/04/2022 20:10

Holy shit. SO inappropriate! Has he even apologised?

MsDogLady · 02/04/2022 20:11

How dare he betray your sacred confidence. It is sickening that he felt entitled to violate both your and DD’s boundaries. Without a doubt, my respect and trust in him would be plummeting.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/04/2022 20:12

Cross post. I’ve just seen it was a peer experience. How can he think that was appropriate to share? And I agree with whoever said therapy would be beneficial. You were a little girl. Eleven year olds do the dumbest of things. It’s prime headless chicken age. It’s really time to forgive little you. Big hugs.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 02/04/2022 20:13

OP I'd see him in a different light.
So what if you messed around and experimented at a young age with peers, it happens.
What he has done is sinister and pervy.
He is a man and shouldn't make reference to any 11 year old experiences nevermind tell their DC, was he trying to acknowledge 11 year olds are capable of a sexual rush.