I feel as if I hate my “new life.”

[Daisyonthelawn]

I am an older mum and I definitely thought that being a wife and mum had passed me by. I know some people would have been fine with that but to be honest I never was, I knew I wanted children and I knew that I wanted a family. In my late 30s I had a now or never approach and joined a dating site.

I met DH online, but I lived in a different city at the time. I moved in with him a couple of months before lockdown, but I still had my own place (it’s now let out.) We have a DS who is now 14 months. So life has changed, very dramatically, in the last 2 years I have got married, been pregnant, had a baby, changed cities, home, job.

I do love my DH, and I absolutely adore DS and being a mum. I feel ‘normal’ for the first time in my life. At the same time though, I am struggling.

Before I met DH my life wasn’t great. In some ways it was a bit chaotic. I tended to drift from job to job a lot, and even from place to place (possibly because there was nothing holding me to any particular place) I’d see jobs in different areas of the country and just apply there and move if I got the job, then when I didn’t like it I’d move back. I was lonely a lot - most of my friends had small children - and so if I wanted to do something ‘normal’ like go on holiday I’d have to go myself. This came at a cost and I was also permanently skint.

As I’ve said above I now feel so much more content in many ways. Having two incomes offers a much bigger security - a few months ago my car needed £600 worth of work doing and a few years ago that would have been a disaster but I barely noticed it this time. I do genuinely love DH and as for DS, I adore him. I love where we live and have made friends as well as renewing some old friendships (am more accepted as a mum I’ve noticed which is wrong but I am not arguing.) Work feels more stable than ever before. So far all is good.

But this past week or so I’ve felt so unhappy and have struggled to put a finger on it. and I think the issue is I feel really suffocated by DH. He isn’t a controlling man but he is always here. I never get a quiet minute with a book or a television show to just be and be quiet and just be.

It sounds horrible but I’m sort of longing for my old life which is stupid as my old life was horrible. But I want to get in my car and drive miles to the coast, or to a different city or something.

I don’t want to leave. I just really feel odd, as if I’m living in a bit of a fish bowl.

I’m not ordering you to talk to your DH, OP, and I’m sorry if that’s what you’re taking from it.

I suppose what I’m trying to explore - but it’s pissing you off, so I’ll stop! - is why you think you have to put up with something most other people wouldn’t. Why you have these beliefs about relationships that if you speak up you’ll irreparably damage the relationship or offend the person you love so deeply.

Why you want and need time alone (& a whole thread agrees with you it’s vital, we all want it too) but if your significant other asked you for it, having the conversation in reverse, why you’d feel so unwelcome and rejected.

Can you not book ago working space somewhere abbé go to it every Saturday morning say to spend the time "catching up with marking"
Ie make sure you go out somewhere on your own regularly.
And put a lock on the bathroom so people can't barge in!

Or therapy to make yourself happier with your decision to ignore your needs as you want another child.

I’m wondering what you want from this thread, OP …

You seem to despise MN as a forum - which means you’re not feeling any respect for the advice proffered. Instead you’re impatient with posters and dismissive of pretty much anything that doesn’t simply echo what you’ve written here.

Your description of your earlier life struck such a chord with me, and others are recognising your current domestic life and saying what they’ve done to make it … bearable.

I hardly dare ask if there is some neurological or physical impediment that makes it impossible for your husband to respond appropriately to a polite request. But actually I think the present difficulty is that (like me) the years you spent junketing about have left you ill-equipped for the type of communication necessary for long term domestic harmony. You say:

What tends to happen is that most relationships have people sensing that the other would benefit from some peace and quiet so naturally give it to them,

but how would you know this? What actually tends to happen, as countless posters have related, is that calm conversations are held, where the person feeling hemmed in expresses their need for solitude - and the other person listens and tries to accommodate this. They don’t leave; they don’t assert that it’s their house and they’ll do what they want; they don’t immediately threaten divorce. They just try to make their partner feel happier.

If there is a reason why your husband cannot respond appropriately then your marriage seems - to me - more like a prison than a loving enterprise. And no MN poster can solve that for you.

@Daisyonthelawn I suggested swimming as age appropriate, I don’t think rugby tots starts till 2, other sports after that but the idea is that you present it to dh as “his and dc special regular thing” (and by product is you get guaranteed peace and quiet)

OP - if your son is in nursery full
Time, can you not take a day off work and have the house to yourself until pick up time?

I am genuinely confused ( this is confused) that you can't see that this is a big issue that is going to continue on and on.

The issue is about communication and your DH not compromising his wants/desires to do something that is fundamentally needed in his family unit.

What about the next time you need DH to step up and doing something he doesn't want to, and the next and the next?

You aren't asking much of your DH, to take sole responsibility of his child for a few hours every weekend and take him out the house. He gets this when you take DS swimming but won't do similar for you?

I just don’t think there’s anything anyone on here can tell you to make your situation any better @Daisyonthelawn . My main advice was mediation & organising time for them to go out.

Are you here for a pat on the back for being a martyr, not an actual practical advice then?

My main advice was mediation & organising time for them to go out.

I totally sympathise with you and would also go insane if not left alone regularly. You need to find a way.

@DoItAfraid

OP - if your son is in nursery full Time, can you not take a day off work and have the house to yourself until pick up time?

No because her dh works from home!

I can't believe that you've said you want another child ...... surely if you are this unhappy now having another child will only make it much, much worse.

I do understand... but then I've got a DH who clearly likes doing his own thing and leaves me in peace do my own thing ... and we waited a long time before having a DC to ensure our lifestyles were compatible with having a DC and that he would absolutely do his 'fair share' of raising a DC. And we made a conscious decision to just have one DC.

You admit it's not working now but you want to have another DC? Why?

@TottersBlankly I have said how helpful I find it when people understand and when people relate and sympathise and make me laugh and talk me through it.

I must have said this at least four times now. It is probably the case you wouldn’t find this helpful, which is fine. I do, though.

I can’t take time off work as am a teacher, and although I do have a holiday where ds will be in nursery PT dh is still here, so it does tend to mean I spend the day feeling like I have to be confined to one part of the house.

Oops, I’ve put the same bit twice. I just to want to stress the importance of you taking SOME steps to make your new life easier for you.

surely if you are this unhappy now

But I have said the absolute opposite, @Ragwort.

I have said how helpful I find it when people understand and when people relate and sympathise and make me laugh and talk me through it.

We’re all relating and sympathising. But failing on the ‘talking you through it’ bit, in your opinion, to the extent you’re irritated or upset by it. When you say ‘talk through it’ you mean listen not advise?

I think people are struggling to understand why would you not want to change/improve your situation @Daisyonthelawn .

You should probably know that MN is mostly against the “sit back and take it as it is” attitude when it comes to being unhappy in a relationship.

Sorry if I misunderstood - what I am reading from this thread is that you are unhappy because you don't get any time to yourself as your DH will never leave you alone at home, follows you to the bedroom if you just want to read peacefully and doesn't seem to like going out without you ??

@Daisyonthelawn

Thanks. I unfortunately know if I took myself off to do meditation I’d have both of them barging in and out all the time! I’m hoping that as the evenings get lighter I might be able to persuade DH to venture out occasionally and DS should start sleeping better at some point.

I can't work out whether you're second-guessing that your family would ride roughshod over your boundaries or whether you've actually communicated what you want and they're ignoring it.

But I don't know anyone, not even the most weird extroverted need-to-be-around-someone-all-the-time types, who wouldn't be able to give their partner an hour of space every few days when requested. You can request nicely and/or you can lay down the law and insist, but that time and that space needs to be firmly ringfenced.

They wouldn't barge in and out if you were in a work meeting. They are capable of not barging in and out. If you haven't clearly communicated what you want, don't second-guess their bad behaviour!

I do love my DH and I absolutely adore DS and being a mum. I feel normal for the first time in my life

I now feel so much more content in many ways

DH does have numerous good qualities

I spent twenty extremely difficult years before I met DH where I belonged nowhere and to no one

I do get on very well with DH on a day to day level and I do love him

I’d do those difficult twenty years three times over if I got DS out of it. There is no frustration or sadness or irritation in my life that will live in my longer than the joy he brings, has brung, is bringing

Of course I have quoted very selectively there but still, I don’t think this is indicative of someone desperately unhappy.

But actually I think the present difficulty is that (like me) the years you spent junketing about have left you ill-equipped for the type of communication necessary for long term domestic harmony

Oh this is very perceptive and I also relate. I missed the bit about "sensing" your partner's needs and that might be the heart of the issue. People actually DON'T go through relationships sensing what their partner wants and nor should they expect their partner to just sense what they want. Compromise and a lifestyle both partners like is achieved through actual communication. Hinty-hinty and sensy-sensy stuff doesn't work and just leads to building resentment.

No one is suggesting you don't love the child you have OP but it would be crazy to introduce yet another human being who never leaves you alone, if your problem
Is that you crave alone time and your husband won't give it to you. If he can't come with taking one child out solo, there's no way he's going to do it with two.

Try, ‘I really need to get some work done, could you take DS to see your mum and dad on Sunday?’

That’s not hinty, is it, that’s pretty direct?

At any rate, I think the helpful note the thread started on has run its course so I will hide it now, although I’ll probably look in at some point again today. It would be daft if I spent my valuable bit of alone time arguing with people annoyed that I’m doing life All Wrong

Quite, he won’t do it. I’m certainly not going to change my future plans because a group of women repeatedly insult me

Do you have a car, or a shed? Can you create some private space for yourself?

@Discountclaimed

Are you an introvert? If you need quiet time to recharge, why not talk to your DH. Don’t throw it all away on a whim. You take yourself everywhere you go. I think you need to make peace with yourself

Exactly what I was going to ask. I feel the same as you OP and its simply because I'm an introvert and need time alone. My DH understands this and sometimes takes the children out so I can have quiet time. Once a year (sometimes twice) he'll take them to stay with his parents for a few days. Although I miss them this is absolute bliss! I feel so much better afterwards. You need to understand your needs. If I didn't get frequent time alone I'd be completely frazzled.